I Don't Even Want to Know Where This Is Going

I just noticed something, at about 10:30 last night, that conservatives seem to have a very disturbing plan. I can't figure out what it is, but I'm sure it's not good. Let's review conservative goals as shown through activism and (proposed) legislation:

no birth control
no abortion
no WIC
no food stamps
no welfare
no education*
no art/music*
no unions
no healthcare
no social security
no euthanasia

Birth to death in a neat little list and I can't quite figure what it means. I can see the results, more babies to more women who can't afford to feed them. Those children will grow up hungry and ignorant. They will have low paying jobs with little protection and if they get sick, they will die. They will work until they die and they'd better hope it's quick, because they won't have the option of cutting a painful, lingering death short.

Oh.

I guess the Confederacy lost, but the dream of owning slaves is still very much alive.




*Schools have become nothing but centers for teaching to the test. My niece is going into middle school next year, at which point she will have music as a class for the first time. She won't get art until high school, assuming they don't cut it before then. She gets science half the year. That's not an education.

The Future Is the Past

New York City circa 1965? Nope. Tehran. Yes, that Tehran.

[Note, this post inspired by the latest Cosmocking by Holly Pervocracy. Express written consent was given. Read it! Cosmocking is something that, when I see the link for it, I squeal! It's that good! ]

Rowdy has a theory that this "it's normal and funny to despise all exes" attitude comes from a particularly limited view of monogamy, in which it isn't enough to only love one person--you have to only love one person ever. In order to maintain retroactive monogamy, you must declare that all previous relationships were false loves, and thus despicable.

My own theory is different. My theory is that a breakup hurts, so (if you're a little perspective-deficient) you see the person who broke up with you as an attacker causing you pain. Never mind that the only way to avoid this pain is to date one person your entire life--they're still a jerkface for making you unhappy, and concepts of "painful for him too" or "painful but necessary" don't enter into it.

I actually think Holly and Rowdy are both right about exes.

If your breakup was one sided or, for whatever reason, turned especially ugly, it colors the entirety of the relationship.

If the breakup was mutual and not based in angry feelings, then you may simply be telling your new partner "Oh, I never felt this way before!" to make them feel special.

Part of it is the emotional distance of memory, as well. If I ask you about a pain you are feeling right now, you'll give me adjectives aplenty: searing, fiery, electrical, tearing, ripping, broken, etc. If I ask you about a pain you felt one year ago, I'll get "it really hurt". Memory provides distance.

It's the same for love. If I ask you about the love you feel at the moment, I could be listening to your reply for an hour. If I ask you about the love you felt a decade ago, I'm likely to get "Oh, I loved zie with all my heart" delivered in a rather neutral tone of voice. So today's love, by virtue of its immediacy, might very well feel like the specialest love ever.

But the thing is, the way monogamy is set up in our culture for women, it's risky to tell men your real "number", and it's risky to tell men you every really enjoyed sex before them or that you were ever really in love because orgasms and love are for one man and one man alone. And if you don't believe me, watch movies (Twilight), read books (fucking Twilight) and watch some TV. I love you, I have always loved you, I have loved no one other than you as if love were oil rather than wind energy.

Which is funny, because my mother, back in the 80s, used to write for Harlequin's Second Chance at Love line, which were romance novels in which both protagonists had been in love and married before, happily, at least for a period of time. The stories were about people finding love again, presented in a natural "of course you can love more than one person in a lifetime" tone.

And prior to Prop 8, I don't really remember such open frothing rage about gay people. I'm not saying everyone in the country was attending gay pride events, but it definitely seems more out in the open now.

And this abstinence only thing? I got comprehensive sex ed in high school. I was forced to put a condom on a banana more than once. Meanwhile, all of my nieces and nephews got religiously motivated speeches about crumbled up cookies and licked lollipops delivered rather pointedly at the girls in the room.

Abortion was a given when I was in high school and college. It was a right. You didn't send out abortion party invitations, but nobody questioned that it was an option. These days they're trying to defund Planned Parenthood.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that though nobody seems to be noticing, we are, as a society, getting more conservative, in a religiously motivated way. The numbers of atheists and nonchristians might be growing in our country, but the fundamentalists are, to a large degree, winning. They're shaping the culture and shaping our minds. To such a point where admitting your have loved before, truly and deeply, is a dangerous admission to make.

And before you dismiss my concerns, consider one thing: Prior to 1979, Iran was a forward thinking, happening place. It's a little different there now.

Please Remove Your Wallet from Devvy's Vagina

This is Devvy. She is surprisingly calm for having everyone's wallet in her vagina.

"In lobbying for defeat of a congressional plan that would cut off taxpayer support for the abortion business' leading player, Richards claimed: "If this bill ever becomes law, millions of women in this country are going to lose their health-care access ­ not to abortion services ­ to basic family planning, you know, mammograms." But Live Action workers who called 30 Planned Parenthood business locations across the nation said "every single one admitted they could not do mammograms."

I will never have a mammogram, but having one is a personal decision and expense. The Outlaw Congress has NO authority to steal the fruits of your labor to fund abortions or mammograms.

Devvy apparently wants to find out about her breast cancer when it's difficult to impossible to treat, because that's how she rolls. The rest of us, however, are not looking forward to radical mascetomies, radiation and chemotherapy.

Here's the thing Devvy, and I'm sure it's hard to listen to facts and logic with even one wallet in your vagina, let alone 300,000,000 wallets in your vagina, it is far cheaper to pay for cancer treatment in the earliest stages than in the later stages. And here's another thing: unless you want to cut off all health care access to the poor, which you probably do, eventually that person is going to end up in the ER and then they will run up an enormous bill everyone gets to pay for.

Would you, Devvy, find it to be a better idea to change your brakes when they start squeaking, or after you cause a ten car pileup on the highway? One costs, what, $250 max, the other hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions if you end up killing someone. Now, changing the brakes when they squeak is like giving out free pap smears. The ten car pileup is not giving out free pap smears and instead treating women with end stage cervical cancer in the ER.

Ignoring, of course, that "poor women should die preventable deaths so that my taxes can be 0.8% lower" is sociopathic and appalling on every level.

Having a test for cervical cancer is a personal expense.

One I certainly can't afford, but I don't think Devvy cares. As far as she is concerned, another person's cervical cancer should impact her exactly as much as another person's hair style and she cares just as much. Probably less, actually, as she doesn't have to look at anyone else's cervix.

That's not a political position, that sociopathy. I'd mention that, again, it's not good economic policy, either, but I really think that the police should be checking her yard for human remains every so often.

"How many times have we heard female politicians bleat about "women's issues" during elections? How many times have we heard the old chant about "empowering women" from female members of Congress? The feminization of Congress and our state legislatures is destroying constitutional government, running America into oceans of unpayable debt and breeding generations of helpless women, whining for mother government to take care of them and their every need.

Cancer is not a woman's iss-

Fuck it.

There are 10,000,000 more unemployed people than there are jobs. And they want to cut off unemployment benefits and lower taxes even further on the wealthy. 1 in 7 Americans experience food insecurity and food prices continue to rise, so let's cut food stamps. More than 40,000,000 Americans have no health insurance and a person without healthcare is 50% more likely to die of cancer than a person with health insurance, but health insurance is a privilege to be enjoyed by the few. Our bridges are crumbling and occasionally collapsing, but investing in infrastructure is wasting money that could be given back to the rich in the form of more tax cuts. GE paid no taxes last year. The banks crushed our economy by securitizing mortgages, but let's deregulate the market and bail them out with taxpayer money.

Do you see the disconnect here? What we are doing is not working. It is not working. What language do I have to say that in before people understand?

The GOP is, at this point, like a person pouring gasoline on a fire to put it out and, as the fire climbs higher and higher, insisting that if they just put enough gasoline on the fire, eventually it will work. Oh, and it's the country that is on fire.

Just for fun, here's the wallet-vagina line:

Get my wallet out of your vagina because you have no constitutional right to steal the fruits of my husband's fixed retirement to pay for your abortion.

She's bitching that her husband's social security is being used to pay for abortions through Planned Parenthood. Now that is some performance art quality irony right there.

You Shall Know Them By Their Love

The Rapturites were asked to define the Conservative Christian lifestyle- a request that had me cackling with glee right here at my desk before I even saw the responses.

I was wondering this today. What would make the Conservative Christian lifestyle stand out?

Things like no tv or movies, or nothing like that?

Honestly, I'm confused, too. I hope the Rapturites can clear this up for us.

The obvious answer to me is to put "Christ-honoring" things in your life, as opposed to things that satisfy the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life.

Of course, as far as I'm concerned, Conservative Christians tend to stand out from the crowd anyway, in that the things that matter most to the world, matter not to us.

Yeah, like CCs don't care about taxes or immigration or money or politics or owning stuff or status symbols or . . . um, yeah.

John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Yeah. CCs totally love everybody- except for gays, muslims, brown people, atheists, democrats, pacifists . . . everybody . . . who is just like them. It's love, I tell you!

The fruits of the Spirit.

Mangoes? It's mangoes, isn't it!

No one likes us because we hold to the Bible being true and the Word of God and it can be taken in literal context and no one likes us............

I don't like you because you used that smilee. Others may feel differently.

Obedience to God's will.

Dedication to daily prayer and Bible study.

Following Matthew Chapter 5.

Really? All of Chapter 5? That's interesting. Here's Matt 5:3-10, you may recognize it:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

The meek, the merciful, the peacemakers and the poor in spirit, huh? Really? That's who you think you are? Fascinating.

My idea of a conservative or fundamentalist Christian believer is not seeing or hearing or doing anything that our Lord and Savior would not want you to do.Jesus is right by our side.Should you be listening or watching or doing what you are doing with Jesus sitting by you?That can mean sacrificing alot of things that others around you are doing. But it will be well worth it when you meet Jesus face to face.

So you never urinate, defecate or bathe? Because I certainly couldn't do any of those things with some guy sitting right next to me*.

+1 Love. All the things you do and don't do on account of the love that is in you. Each of us is a unique creation, we weren't punched out with the same shape cookie cutter. We'll be different and do or not do different things, but it is God's love that is a common link and denominator among His children.

God's love . . . of hating brown people and socialism? Although, I would like the Underpants of +1 Love. That'd be awesome.

I would add: show and share the peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the worst of times. Show the JOY that that only come from God. Live by example. Of course flee all appearance of evil.

God does not want us to put on any kind of a show. He wants us to be a witness of what having the one true God in our lives can do. No other faith or religion has what we have. That is what stands out.

Show and share the peace that surpasses all understanding, but don't put on a show. Be a witness, but don't be all showy about it. Does mutually exclusive mean nothing to these people?

Well, the OP actually seems to have found wisdom in that mess, I'm just as confused as I ever was.

*Bathroom time is alone time. I cannot stress this enough.

Are We Sure Andy Schafly Is Not a Poe?

This is the list of Greatest Conservative Songs from conservapedia.

[WARNING: viewing the list below may cause side effects which may include, but are not limited to, aneurysm, spontaneous combustion, brain death, significant loss of IQ, possession by Satan and the raising of Cthulu. This blog takes no responsibility for any injury, death or world ending apocalypse the reading of this list may cause.]

The list is 86 songs long (so far!) and includes:

Fast Car, by Tracy Chapman. Self-help, free market, division of labor, and a criticism of alcohol

Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road, by Elton John. The same message as the Prodigal Son: look objectively at our own lives, and realize that "I should have listened to my old man."

Stand By Your Man, by Tammy Wynette. Don't expect feminists to like that one! Or Hillary Clinton!

Andy, do you mean the same Hilary Clinton who stood by her man after he was nearly impeached for sexual relations with another woman? Also, Tracy Chapman and Elton John?! WTF?

"Gotta Serve Somebody" by Bob Dylan. "It may be the devil or it may be the Lord."^[2]

Bob fucking Dylan wrote the 22nd greatest conservative song. Don't think about that one for more than 5 seconds, your head will explode.

"Neighborhood Bully" by Bob Dylan. Israel's right to exist and defend itself.

And number 35.

Takin' Care of Business" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The work ethic and promoting self-employment.

Has Andy heard any of these songs?

Walking Contradiction by Green Day. Though a vocal critic of the Bush Administration, here Green Day mocks the often self-contradictory and inconsistent liberal ideologies, hence the term "walking contradiction".

Let's just give Billy Andy's address and watch the fun happen!

Staying Alive, by the Bee Gees. Pro-people and pro-staying alive, and this: "We can try to understand; The New York Times' effect on man."

I . . . what?! Is that . . . tentacl- Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

A Day in the Life of a Liberal (just for you, kissyface)

Keep the requests coming, people! This is for Kelley R, whose avatar seems to want some sugar.

A Day in the Life of a Liberal (as written by a person from Mars, apparently.)

Here's the story I wrote the other night. Please excuse the 1am typos and all the misspellings. Enjoy!
[and if you're easily offended, pass on this one...]

I can't be bothered to review and edit my "story", and if you're not laughing, it's because you have no sense of humor, not because I'm an idiot!

Your day as a liberal begins at the crack of dawn with early morning yoga followed by a quick bite of dried seaweed breakfast before hitting the road to attend your latest "peaceful demonstration." On your way home, you're sure to stop and hug a few trees before jumping back on your 100% smog-free bicycle (complete with the "I break from beached whales" sticker). After a delicious lunch of tofu and egg beaters, you must pause to meditate, worship mother earth, and re-contemplate the effects of hairspray on the depleted ozone layer.

Actually, I wake up before the sun to go to my job as a legal secretary. I do not do yoga, though it's a fantastic exercise, nor do I eat seaweed, because I'm a liberal, not Japanese. I can see how easy it is to confuse liberals and Japan, but really, where did you get this list of stereotypes, 1985? I do like me some trees, I don't hug them, asshat. I do not own a bicycle, and "I break from beached whales" implies that I split in half due to beached whales. English, try it. I do occasionally eat tofu, but egg beaters? Liberal doesn't necessarily mean having high cholesterol. Egg beaters are made, at least partially, from eggs, so if I were morally opposed to eating eggs, which I am not, I wouldn't eat egg beaters. I do not worship anything, and that hairspray thing was beaten to death by 1989. The 21st Century, feel free to join it.

The soft jingling of the windchimes outside your recycled-bottle windows remind you it's time to go, and you quickly undress for your PETA anti-fur protest. You pick up your can of lead-free red paint and head out the door carefully avoiding your "Obama is my Homeboy" sign planted on the front, pesticide free, lawn.

I despise windchimes, but when did windchimes become a liberal stereotype? Recycled-bottle windows? They make those? I have those double-paned windows to help keep the heat in. They're really nice, but I don't think they're made out of recycled bottles. PETA people protest naked? I'm not in PETA, so I wouldn't know. My lawn is pesticide free, but that's mostly because of the large number of animals and children that play in it. Apparently, being conservative means poisoning your younger relatives for the sake of your lawn. "Obama is my Homeboy" is making me think you may be racist as well as stupid.

After a long (chilly) day of paint-throwing, you finally sit down in the comfort of your own home only to realize that the fung shui of the room is off!

So, what, I just moved in? I don't think feng shui is one of those things you just notice. I don't buy into that sort of thing, but people who do are really meticulous about it.

After re-arranging several "happy planet" pictures,

wtf are you talking about? I bought awesome art with my tax return last year, from ebay and art.com. I have this one print by Picasso which involves a goat. It's so cool.

you glance at your potato-powered clock

I just realized I don't actually own a clock. We use our phones or the clock on the stove. I guess I'm just not all that concerned about the time.

and realize that you're late for your coffee shop concert!

Dude, I'm a liberal, not a hipster.

You throw on your socks and birkenstocks,

Does anyone wear those anymore? I certainly don't. I am currently wearing awesome knee high black boots over my jeans, and I like to think I look like a pirate.

hop in your hybrid,

Excellent gas mileage is for fools! You should be lining the pockets of countries that hate us if you want to be a patriot!

and pull away very slowly, taking care not to create any excess gas emissions by going too fast. Your concert goes well- another payday at last! You pocket the $20, and head home making sure to stop by your local organic grocer on the way. A bag of all-natural pita chips and hummus later,

Eating well is for fools, too! You should be eating as many preservatives and hormones as possible! Seriously, pita chips and hummus are amazing.

you're on your way when all of a sudden, Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio!

Because my radio is tuned to that station why?

Outrage quickly arises in your mind as the blasphemer sarcastically discusses the "imminent dangers" of global warming. You disgustedly search through radio stations until you hear an assuring, familiar voice, "That depends on what your definition of 'is' is..."

Seriously, did you write this in the 1990s?

Finally home, you turn on your energy-efficient light bulb

Saving money on electricity is for fools! Every penny of your income should be supporting the salaries of business executives, not the needs of your family!

and begin preparing a tantalizing dinner of free-range chicken and edamame.

Wait, wasn't I a member of PETA this morning? I mean, I protested naked against fur and now I'm eating chickens? It's like you don't even know me.

You feed your dogs, cats, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, parakete, hampster, iguana, ant farm, emu, and ferret (using organic, naturally grown and unprocessed pet food, of course),

Pets are a liberal thing now?

before stumbling exhaustedly into your solar-power-heated room and collapse onto your recycled cotton bedsheets.

Solar power is for fools! Why aren't you supporting the electric/gas company? Also, I splurged on 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets a few years ago (tax return), and I gotta tell you, I have never made a better purchase. $60 on overstock.com for queen size. So worth it.

Awakened suddenly at 2:30am to find a masked intruder standing over you, you grope around your nightstand for a weapon to defend yourself only to realize there are none in your house! Barely reaching the phone, you dial 9-1-...

Ah yes, the myth that gun owners are never the victims of crime. The fact that a gun in a home will most likely be used to accidentally harm or kill someone living in that home is entirely irrelevant. Anyway, I own both a 12 gauge shotgun and .22 rifle, but I don't keep them loaded under my pillow. And, why would I reach for a gun if I don't keep a gun in that spot and indeed do not own a gun? Spleen weasel.

And everything goes dark. Guess the police didn't get there in time afterall. Too bad you willingly sacrificed your Constitutional right to assured protection. Maybe the Second Amendment really did mean individuals instead of a militia... Hmmm...

Not owning a gun is not sacrificing my Constitutional rights. I also have never refused to quarter soldiers in my home, is that sacrificing my Constitutional rights? Dumbass.

Oh well, your good karma will ensure that you'll come back as a higher life form anyway, right? And if not, don't all pathways lead to God? Guess you'll find out pretty soon!

HAHAHAHAHA! You're dead! That's so hilarious! I'm a psychopath! Seriously, I don't believe in god or karma, but I don't delight in the deaths of others. Unlike sarabeth, who is not only trapped in the last century, but apparently believes anything Rush Limbaugh tells her.

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Stupid Parables Are Stupid

Jason, who both pleaded and flattered in a way I could not resist, pointed me to this little parable concerning the difference between liberals and conservatives. I've seen it before, and I always mean to deal with it and never do, so the time is now. Carpe stupid parables!

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so

many others her age, she considered herself to be a very Liberal

Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in Favor of

higher taxes to support more government programs, in other Words

redistribution of wealth.

Did she also have a terrible understanding of CapITaLiZatioN?

Contrary to poorly capitalized beliefs, liberals are not in favor of random government programs or higher taxes for the sake of higher taxes. Am I in favor of children eating? Yes. Am I in favor of health care for everyone? Yes. Do I think society means sometimes you have to pay for things you don't personally use for the benefit of everyone instead of buying a second Beemer? Yes, yes I do. And so do you, unless you'd like to start paying a toll for every single street you drive on instead of just paying an overall tax every year. Spleen weasel.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch

Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the Lectures that

she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she

felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to

keep what he thought should be his.

Um, no. All liberals have conservative family members and vice versa. We might be frustrated with one another, but I've never known anyone to be ashamed of it. Nor do I think my conservative family members harbor "evil, selfish desires". I'm a liberal, not Stalin.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to Higher

taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The

self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to Be the

truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by Asking how

she was doing in school.

"self-professed objectivity"? lulz. or perhaps Be LuLz.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and

let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that She was

taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which

left her no time to go out and party like other people She knew. She

didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many

college friends, because she spent all her time studying.

Why was she taken aback? Isn't "how is school going" a fairly normal question?

Her father listened and then asked , 'How is your friend Audrey

doing?' She replied, ' Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are

Easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She Is

so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited

to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for

classes because she's too hung over.'

Huh. Apparently that's why conservatives hate liberals: we're the life of the party! We're the blondes to their mousy brunettes! We're the cheerleaders to their nerds! Good to know.

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's

office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your

friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA, and

certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.' The

daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired

back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really

hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard

work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played

while I worked my tail off!'



The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to The

Republican party.'

See, this is how conservatives see the poor, the unemployed, the sick, the suffering. The economy imploded and took 9,000,000 jobs with it, but people who need their unemployment insurance extended are like slutty teenage party girls who deserve everything they get. 45,000 people die in this country every year, deaths that were entirely preventable with access to health care, and health care reform is death panels and oh noez! the taxes. Food stamps and WIC are payments to greedy, greedy children who want to eat. Bastards.

After the story comes these little couplets:

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great
test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.

If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

It's not that anyone doesn't like guns, it's that I don't think you need a grenade launcher to go hunting. Nor do I think that people who have displayed a propensity for violence with arrests for domestic violence and assault should have access to more efficient ways to hurt people.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat..

If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for

everyone.

Dude, that's just stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah PETA, but they're not representative of liberals, they're representative of PETA. Oh, and me refusing to eat meat in your presence just to make you comfortable is not some kind of sermon, get over it.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.

If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

Three words: privilege denying dude.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.

A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

Before I start frothing at the mouth, let me just point out that conservatives don't turn down unemployment or disability or social security, so why don't you STFU and STFD?

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.

Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

So conservatives can boycott Pepsi for being okay with a little gay, but boycotting Glenn Beck is just beyond the pale? Really? How do you live with that level of cognitive dissonance?

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.

A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

(Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)

DIAF. I'll provide it for you. I expect this nation to obey the FIRST FUCKING AMENDMENT to that Constitution you people like to fap to, it's not persecution.

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Republican Sex & Marriage Advice

Do you have questions, Republican questions, about sex and marriage? Well, you're in luck! Chip Womack, whose extensive business expertise qualifies him as a thera- wut?

Chip Womack is a lifelong Republican and businessman. Chip founded a thriving fiber optic cable business dedicated to unlocking the potential in neglected forestland, and he is a consultant to municipalities on issues of strategic recreation and/or the reuse of reclaimed mines. In his spare time, Chip applies commonsense business solutions and golf principles to couples in distress and in doing so has developed a reputation as a community leader.

What the hell is wrong with Republicans? Why do they believe that business experience qualifies you for absolutely everything? "Hi, I founded ebay, I'd make a great President!" "I ran a fiber optic cable business, therefore I am automatically qualified to give psychological counseling." "Sure, you could go to a neurosurgeon, but I worked at Lehman Brothers, I got this." Honestly.

So, let's see what sort of "distress" experience in fiber optics qualifies you to handle.

The 3rd kind of sex. I'm not entirely certain what the first two kinds of sex are, but the "3rd kind" is anal. And it's wrong.

My wife wants my son to learn science. It's not the Republican way.

I have pain during sex. Because when one is experiencing a medical issue, one should ask a businessman, not a doctor!

and, while it isn't the answer to a question, watch Chip encounter hip hop decades after the rest of the world.

Seriously, Republicans, if you're going to mock yourselves, what will I have left to do?

Poor People Are Smelly

Republican candidate for Governor of New York Carl Paladino has solved the problem of poverty, or at least worked out the equation:

+dysfunctional families

-hygiene

+?????

-----------------

Poverty!

His solution?

+poor people

+hygiene

+work camps

+prison guards

--------------------

End to Poverty!

I couldn't make this shit up.

Instead of handing out the welfare checks, we'll teach people how to earn their check. We'll teach them personal hygiene ... the personal things they don't get when they come from dysfunctional homes."

You have to teach them basic things - taking care of themselves, physical fitness. In their dysfunctional environment, they never learned these things."

Paladino cites the positives of moving poor people into prison dorms — they have access to "basketball courts, bathroom facilities, toilet facilities.

Yes, what's lacking in my life is a bathroom. And a toilet. If I only had a bathroom- and a toilet- I wouldn't be poor anymore. I had no idea Section 8 housing did not come with toilets.

Btw, this is not a new idea. It's an old idea. Poor houses were tragic, but apparently some people can't learn from the past.