Damaged Goods

[Note: click the link if you want to confirm that I am not making this up, but if you comment on this girl's post, please be positive and not confrontational.]

The back story on this is that a 16-year-old fundamentalist girl married an 18-year-old she barely knew and hadn't even been in the same room with alone before. Unsurprisingly, things turned bad very quickly.

As soon as 2 days after the wedding, Jon was a different person. He was
quiet, mopey, irritable. I was confused. Why would he be like this only 2 days
after our wedding? He was verbally abusive, putting down everything that I did.
Nothing I did pleased him. No matter how hard I tried, nothing was good enough.
Soon enough, the verbal abuse turned into physical abuse. I will spare you of
most of the details of that- he was pinning me to walls and floors, even going
so far as to head to the closet for a gun.

. . . .

I held it all inside. I told everyone that we were doing wonderfully. But
mom knew that something was wrong. She would ask if I was ok, and I would assure
her that everything was fine. I would always come up with one excuse or
another.
Eventually, I couldn't take it any more. I told mom. Everything. She
was very concerned and upset, and advised me to talk to the church elders so
that Jon could get help. A meeting was arranged.

This man is threatening his teenage wife with a gun so the answer is to meet with church officials? I can't tell you how much fundys piss me the fuck off sometimes. If you are being abused, you need to leave. If your loved one is being abused, you need to help them leave, as quickly as possible. A meeting with the church elders isn't going to fix anything, but the time spent waiting for the meeting could mean injury or death for the victim.

Some people told me that I wasn't even abused. That they treated
their own wives this way. The first year of marriage is hard for everyone- every
couple goes through this exact same thing. There are so many problems in the
world- did I really think I had something to complain about?

Be a good little fundy wife and submit, submit, submit until I stop hitting you. You know how I know Jesus isn't coming back? Because he hasn't come back yet to put a stop to the horrors carried out in his name. Also, somebody used the starving kids in Africa argument as a reason to suffer abuse? What is wrong with people?!

He has since admitted to the church session that he lied about his virginity.
Finding this out was just as hard as the abuse. To have trusted someone so
completely, and then to find that nothing about them was as you thought, is
heartbreaking.
Deuteronomy 22 states this as a reason for a biblical
divorce. Matthew 1:19 also states that Joseph was a just man and was going to
divorce Mary. Our church session agrees with this. The church has given me
grounds for a biblical divorce. Everything was finalized 2 weeks ago.

So, threatening your wife with a gun is not a reason for divorce, but lying about being a virgin is. Well, good to know what's important in life.

A few people have made the comment that I am now, "damaged goods." I do not feel
this way at all. I do not feel impure. I did nothing wrong. I was married- if,
down the road, I get married again, a good, godly man will see no wrong in what
I did.

Sweetie, there is no such thing as human damaged goods. You are not damaged goods. You are a human being as deserving of love and respect as any other human being. You married the wrong person (hardly surprising considering that you were 16 and hardly knew the man), you suffered horribly and now it is over. Experiences, good and bad, make us who we are, and that is never damaged goods. If you had prostituted yourself for drugs, you still wouldn't be any less worthy of love and respect.

Please, just give yourself a hug for me.

I hate religion for things like this. A girl- not a woman, a girl- suffered terrible abuse, abuse that was helped along and supported by religion, and now that she is out of that situation, she is made to feel bad for saving her own life. Because escaping abuse makes baby Jesus cry.

Ugh.

Christianity Gets a Little More Disturbing To Me

misogyny, feminism, feminist, religion, christian, christianity, atheism, atheist, courtship, asshat, stupid, sex, sexism, sexuality, orgasm, clitoris
I have to thank the Slacktivist for giving me this link, though I'm sure this isn't what he had in mind. Yeah, well, I gotta be me.

The Courtship Path . . . to the Love of Your Life

by Alex S. Leung

[this post is from a book, 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life (ed. Alex Chediak. Th1nk Books, 2005.)]

The Courtship Path
Definition

Courtship is the active, involved authority of the young woman’s father (or head of the household) in the formation of her romantic attachments leading to marriage. in other words, daddy chooses whom you will marry. your sole involvement is basically to show up at the church on time and submit for the rest of your life.

Distinctives

Courtship is not egalitarian because it believes in a female submission to a male head of the home. well, duh.

If there is an absence of headship, either because of neglect or a literal absence, young couples should seek out advice from their church on how to continue their courtship. This will probably result in an assignment of surrogate parents. because we can't possibly let people just pick whom they will marry by themselves- that might result in, oh, i dunno, happiness or something.

Physical involvement when courting should be completely avoided. you wouldn't want to find out if you were sexually compatible or anything. wait, what am i thinking, women aren't supposed to have fun with their vaginas. if they were, they would have clitorises and be able to achieve orga-- wait, i'm confused. After the couple is engaged, it should be limited to holding hands, brief kisses, and hugs. tongue, or no tongue? and is that special kind of hug that homophobic guys practice wherein you lean forward and only touch at the shoulders, keeping the genitals as far away as possible?

The will of God is rarely an acceptable excuse to conduct courtship in a self-defined way, such as a man pursuing a woman who has repeatedly rejected his interest in her. rarely? the fact that "the will of god" is ever an acceptable excuse to continue to pursue a woman who is not interested in you is appalling. really, how is this different from arranged marriage?

Platonic relationships are a myth apparently, i should be looking for unicorns over here, because i'm living in a myth! and are not an excuse to spend one-on-one time with a member of the opposite sex outside of courtship. we wouldn't want the poor girl to actually get to know a man, now would we?

Key Verses

Numbers 30:3-5 When a young woman still living in her father's house makes a vow to the LORD or obligates herself by a pledge 4 and her father hears about her vow or pledge but says nothing to her, then all her vows and every pledge by which she obligated herself will stand. 5 But if her father forbids her when he hears about it, none of her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand; the LORD will release her because her father has forbidden her.

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Okay, the Numbers quote sort of has something to do with matter at hand, but wtf do the Genesis quote and the Psalm quote have to do with courtship? Do they think we won't look these up? And, if we're following the mating rituals of bronze age desert nomads, why aren't we following any of the other customs of bronze age desert nomads? Why are we eating shrimp and wearing clothes made of more than one fabric?

Key Benefits now that's an odd use of that word

Love develops within a supportive, protective, and encouraging environment. but not an environment that would actually allow one to get to know a person that well. well enough to say, decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

Sexual purity is more realistic and attainable. please stop obsessing over other people's vaginas. it's weird.

Trust in the relationship results because intentions are more obvious from the get-go. yes, desperation is the most honest policy, isn't it?

Baggage occurs less often because all aspects of the relationship are more intentional. how could you possibly get to know someone well enough to incur any baggage in this situation? also, baggage isn't necessarily a bad thing, if you learn from your mistakes.

Courtship creates an environment for obeying God by honoring one’s parents. well that's my biggest concern when picking the person i will spend the rest of my life with.

Potential Problems

Courtshippers may become overzealous to the point of forcing their method on others. um, how?

Parents may become domineering and manipulative, using the authority of courtship to make unwise, ungodly decisions in all areas of their children’s lives. what about using the authority of courtship to make unwise decisions in the area of the courtship? hello?

Couples may claim they are courting to appear Christian but may ignore the real principles and make up their own unhealthy rules. like touching one another?

funny how the fact that you couldn't possibly get to know someone well enough to decide whether or not to spend the rest of your life them isn't a potential problem. the inherent misogyny of a father choosing his daughter's husband isn't a problem, either.

The above is not the blogger's opinion, this is all from a book he is reviewing. What follows is the blogger's opinion, and it is scary.

In my humble opinion, this path so far seems to be the most biblically complementarian. And thus, for those of us who are not egalitarian and rather proclaim ourselves to be complementarian, it would be rightly appropriate for us to “court”. To say that we believe in the male headship in the family and the church, and yet do not exercise this in the way we are involved in our children’s romantic life is hypocritical; to not seek the lady’s father’s authoritative validation for a relationship would be Pharisaical. not being a misogynist is a one way ticket to hell!

What more, is that in a postmodern what does that even mean? culture where much such? many? physical expressions of love are acceptable, the high standard of absolutely no physical involvement is very difficult to adhere to. The benefits for sexual purity to be more realistic and attainable is certainly a big plus, not having any idea what you're doing in bed, and all but assuring that your wife never has an orgasm are pluses? big pluses? but considering how scarce it is for any human being to be wired for no physical involvement, and why would you want to be married to that person? this is definitely the boundary that is hardest to stay within. I am humbled i'm am weirded out by Wilson’s call to zero physical involvement, for I know that it is an area I most struggle with. This is the area where disciplined holiness and self-control is most trying for men. that's right, kids. men are uncontrollable beasts and good girls don't ever want sex. if this asshat could read my thoughts right now, his head would explode. i'm surprised i'm not catching on fire. (If you give a mouse a cookie, he will soon ask for milk!) at least he didn't go for "if you can get the milk for free, why buy the cow?"

Lastly, I take heed of Wilson’s call for us to stop making excuses to spend one-on-one time with a member of the opposite sex outside of courtship. cause you wouldn't want to view members of the opposite sex as people, would you? (given my interests in sports and video games, and my general blunt . . . um . . . earthiness, i generally get along better with men than women. i don't, nor do i usually want to, fuck my friends. i know, it's just mind blowing.) This is a part of my life that I am currently re-evaluating to see what true intentions there are in my heart for those friendships in which I do spend significant amounts of one-on one time, in person, over the phone, or on the web. you're kidding. internet interactions, which carry no risk of sex at all, are out, too? wtf is wrong with these people? it's like they operate under the assumption that if you like it, you shouldn't be doing it. I do not think that Wilson is saying that they are completely unacceptable, but simply that we should not be hypocrites and nor be lying to ourselves that we are just friends when one or the other has wishes for more. according to what you posted above, he said they were completely unacceptable.

Heck, if this approach to relationships really brings less baggage to the table, I’d be all for it! because it's really annoying that the women i meet aren't still factory fresh in the original packaging. the fact that i have to deal with their emotions and personalities is just beyond annoying.

well, that was enough naked misogyny for one day, don't you think?