Thursday, April 30, 2009

I Swear This Is Not a Poe- Part I

republican, conservative, prolife, oklahoma, crazy,
This is the Oklahoma (OK!) GOP Platform for 2009. No matter how much of a Poe it looks like, it is real. Seriously. No, really, it is.

I won't review everything, because quite frankly there's only so much I can take for the team, but I will highlight the truly nuclear stupid.

Under Statement of Principles:

4. God is the Author and Creator of life and that all human life, both born and unborn, should be protected. So, no atheists, no abortions, no stem cell research and probably no IVF. This sounds like the statement of principles of a church, not a political group, but Christianity has been conflated with patriotism and politics for a long time, so it's hardly surprising.

5. In traditional marriage consisting of one man and one woman. not much on the equality, either. hardly surprising.

6. It is the private sector and free market principles that best stimulate economic development rather than government subsidies or programs. not liking the stimulus, either. we don't call them "the party of no" for nothing.

7. Taxes collected at all levels of government should be used only for legitimate government functions, and those functions carried out efficiently so that tax rates may be kept as low as possible. I'm pretty sure we can all agree with that one, on its face, but way to claim that position as Republican.

9. It is the right of every parent to act in his or her children’s best interest including choosing the form of education, whether public school, private school, or home school. stop telling my children gays are human, too!

Their "constitution" has its own section just for families, that reads like a statement from om nom NOM.


Traditional marriage, consisting of one man and one woman, is designed to provide for each family member’s physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, and social well-being. Both parents are needed to support and encourage happiness, health, and a good education for their children,creating the next generation of citizens who are constructive members of society. Multigenerational families foster mutual respect and cooperation while providing support for extended family members and forming enduring relationships. We believe God is the Author and Creator of human life and that each individual should be treated with dignity and compassion. We insist that any candidate receiving money and/or support from the Republican Party shall affirm and promote the Pro-Life concept.

Do I really need to mock that for you?

next they make an unintentional argument for removing the government from all marriages, making the government's involvement limited to civil unions for everyone, and marriage an extra thing the religious can choose to add. i doubt they intended to do this.

We affirm the state’s recognition that marriage between one man and one woman is a covenant relationship, instituted by God, does anyone remember god instituting marriage? because i don't. it's not in the bible. god does not marry adam and eve, and while the ten commandmants do forbid adultery, marriage itself isn't mentioned. and they're not interpreting the bible. uh huh. not to be entered into casually are they proposing some sort of test to see who's serious and who's casual? yikes., and is fundamental to our very existence and survival as a nation. um, yeah. okay. Therefore, we strongly support a U.S. Constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman. of course you do.

6. We believe that in order to encourage and protect family values, those promoting homosexuality or other aberrant lifestyles nice. homosexuality is found in nature all over the place, but it's aberrant. i suppose i should feel lucky they didn't use the word "sodomite"., should not be allowed to hold responsible positions over children which are not their own or over other vulnerable persons. wow. that could be interpreted to mean that gays, and people like me who support gay rights, would be barred not only from adoption and foster care, but from working at a day care, a school, a YMCA, a church, a nursing home, a hospital. that's nuclear crazy.

11. We believe marriage should not be entered into casually and should not be dissolved easily.Therefore, we call for states to repeal “no-fault” divorce statutes. back to the good ole days of airing your dirty laundry for all the world to see in order to get a divorce. this from the party of newt.

Wow. I haven't even gotten to Right-to-Life and Medical Ethics yet. This is definitely a multiple poster.


  1. Somebody on ERV Blog I believe, said the Republican platform in Oklahoma has always been this crazy. Because the crazies are the only ones that have the time to sit down and write it all. Just in the past the Democrats controlled legislation and there were Moderate (for Oklahoma) Republicans in control of the Party. Things have changed and now the nutters are running the Legislation and the Nut House they came from.

  2. Just wanted to tell you that I seriously love your blog.

    I was brought up in a Southern Baptist church and have heard practically every "logical" argument you address and refute. I always knew the reasoning of the people around me was faulty but didn't know how to formulate a strong argument to prove it. Additionally, that whole "respect one's elders" deal seemed to conflict with the idea of questioning authority...or at least that's what I was told.

    I wish I'd had your blog to read; it would have made defending my position considerably easier, and I would have been able to bitchslap some people with logic, which would've been fantastic! So thank you for bringing to my attention arguments I've always wanted but have never had and for the daily lulz (I still can't believe some of these people are for real, though I shouldn't be that surprised!).

    One last thing, every time I hear Ray Comfort's name or see his picture, I get these weird soft-corn pornstar vibes, and it freaks me out, and I have to go wash my hands for like five minutes.

  3. the not to be entered "casually" i think was supposed to mean "It's SERIOUS, don't get married unless you are getting married *forever*, and BTW, forever means *FOR-EV-ER* and divorce is bad you know that marriage is serious and you should not ever STOP being married no divorce for you.

    because that works *so* well.

    at least they are starting to be more honest about their misogyny (i mean, the are openly talking about getting rid of no-fault divrces, and we all know that without no-fault divorces, abused spouses can never prove to the court that they are abused *enough* to qualify for a divorce)

    also... gay people could not work in jails...

  4. Does claiming that homosexuality is an "aberrant lifestyle" not count as hate speech these days? What if I were to claim (as the GOP no doubt do behind closed doors) that Islam was an "aberrant faith", or that the Chinese were an "aberrant race"? Do you guys not have laws against that sort of thing?

  5. I... can't... take it!

    Too typical to be believed. This, on the other hand, is alarmingly federalist (and dare I say Democratic?) in its message:

    ...and is fundamental to our very existence and survival as a nation.Loyalists!! They would never stand for this in Texas!

  6. I can't believe this is real!

    But most importantly, this post taught me what a Poe is:

    "Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing"


  7. thank you, miss jones!

    fannie: i am SO bad at determining if something is a poe or not. generally, the crazier something is, the less likely it is to be a poe, it seems.


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