My Lips Are a Veritable Cesspool

What is the most important thing about me? Is it my generosity, my kindness, my intelligence, my patience, my sense of humor?

What is the greatest gift of myself I could give another person? My time, my loyalty, my love?

I actually called my husband and asked him these questions. He declined to pick any one thing out of the first list (that is kind of a minefield of a question), but for greatest gift he listened to the three options and said, "Yes."

So then I asked him if my first kiss, had I not recklessly squandered it at age 15 on a boy named Jake, would have been better.

His reply: "Will you stop reading those fucking fundy blogs? A kiss lasts, what, five minutes if you're really pushing it, you've been with me for how long? Going on 14 years now? I'd say putting up with me for that long is better than some kiss!" long pause "Not that you're bad kisser or anything. Your kisses are great! I gotta go." click

His greatest gift to me is probably putting up with those sorts of phone calls, but I digress.

What my husband values most about me are not physical qualities. Which is a damn good thing, because let me tell you, the view from 35 is getting a bit wrinkly.

So why is it that the fundamentalists, who are so much more moral than you and I, value most the physical? Why is the most important thing about a woman whether or not her lips have ever touched another's? Why is that the greatest gift?

I have kept my lips pure. I have never kissed another guy – besides my dad and brothers (and those are only on the cheek :) – and I don’t plan to, either…until that special moment at the altar. After we say ‘I do’…after the pastor says ‘You may kiss your bride’…and after my husband raises my veil. Then, and only then, am I going to give that man one of the greatest gifts I have.

Honey, that's really sad. I know I heartlessly mocked your "fictional", but you have so much more to offer than your "pure" lips. You are a person, with ideas and dreams and qualities so much more valuable than that one moment your lips become diseased, polluted cesspools of impurity. (Might I suggest Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush lip gloss in Mega Melon to deal with the disgusting lips you will have after that? During the Semi Annual Sale, it's only $1.75!*)

I just . . . sweetie . . . there is so much more to you than whether or not your lips have contacted a man's lips. I find you thoroughly obnoxious and I can see that. Why can't you?

I would encourage you to remember – and I guarantee this! – that your husband will delight in your kiss even more, knowing that no other man has touched your lips. That he is the only one who has known the delight of your kiss. And that he is the only one who will ever have that privilege.

Well, she guaranteed . . . I called my husband back and asked him if he would have delighted in being the only one who had ever delighted in my kiss (wow, she is a terrible writer) and after he got done working that one out, he said, "No, what do I care what you did before you met me?" So, Raquel, what do I get? Your guarantee was invalid for spouses equal to mine, so what now?

If I was part of the ‘dating scene’ – always having a new boyfriend, not having my parents involved in my relationship(s) and letting my boyfriend have too much freedom in touching me – what would happen to the sweetness of keeping myself for my husband? It would be…hurtful…sad…and could even lead to marriage problems. The same goes for him. If he and his girlfriend took too much freedom in expressing their ‘like’ for each other, how would that make me feel? Put yourself in that story…

Well, for values of spouses equal to my husband and me, the story's okay. But thanks for assuming that our relationship is a morass of pain and problems due my rank, tainted, revolting lips. 14 years in August, honey, call me back when you've been married that long.



*That comes off like I'm getting paid, but no, I'm just really excited about getting great lip gloss for less than $2.

Major Lulz from the Sheltered - Chapter 7

Yes! Chapter 7 of Life's Choices has arrived. (Chapter 6, previous chapters) This is the last chapter we will get to see because the author has decided to prevent her work from being stolen by emailing the final chapter upon request. I doubt she's going to indulge me on that one.

Sunday morning dawned bright and beautiful. Leona lazily rolled over in bed and the sunlight caught her face and made her squint with its brightness. Then she suddenly remembered! Today, the Jackson family was going to church - for the first time, as a family, in years. This made her excited and she quickly jumped out of bed and headed for the shower. She didn’t take long bathing because she wanted to spend a while dolling herself up. She chose a nice, long dress that she thought wouldn’t be too fancy for church, tried to do her makeup perfectly, and pulled her hair up in a very becoming fashion. She was all jitters when she practically skipped down the stairs into the kitchen where her parents were having their morning coffee.

Yay! Church. Um, woohoo. Do new converts really feel this way about church? I suppose it's possible.

“My, my!” her mother said, upon her daughter’s entrance. “Aren’t we up and ready early!”
Leona laughed cheerily and planted a kiss on both her parents’ cheeks, then glided to the counter to prepare herself some breakfast. English muffins didn’t appeal anymore because of her pregnancy tastes, so she fixed herself a bowl of cereal and strawberries, instead.

". . . because of her pregnancy tastes"? "Laughed cheerily"? "Glided"? Miss Raquel* is convinced someone is just dying to steal her work. Perhaps she saw that Stephanie Meyer's IP address visited her blog? Also, if Leona has been in the habit of eating english muffins for breakfast, why do they have fresh strawberries for cereal and strawberries? Is it even the right time of year for that?

“How are you feeling, daughter?” her dad asked.

He calls her "daughter"? Why? I'm really starting to wonder about breakfast's at Raquel's house.

“I’m doing good,” she said. “Too excited to notice my occasional nausea.”

Sure. Because the urge to puke up your socks is something you can just ignore if you wish to.

“If you’re feeling nauseous, maybe you should stay home from church,” her mother suggested.

BWAHAHHAHAHAHA! "Nauseated" is the feeling of having to throw up. Something that is "nauseous" makes one "nauseated". I don't like Leona either, but I don't think I'd describe her as nauseous. Her own mother!

“Nope!” Leona said, cheerily. “Nothing is holding me back from church today! Especially since we’re going to Peter and Sarah’s church. I can’t wait for you both to meet them! You’ll just love them! A little Luke too. He’s a doll!”

The previous night, the Jackson family had stayed up very late, talking and catching up with each other. It was almost like they hadn’t seen each other for the past several months, even though they lived in the same house. Leona had told them all about Peter and their talks together…and how much she thought of him. Mr. and Mrs. Jackson were anxious to meet him.

Try to keep in mind that Leona was dumped by her baby daddy two weeks ago. Two weeks ago! Why are her parents so very happy to hear about her and yet another man, while she pregnant, no less? I also enjoy that apparently Raquel thinks that nonfundy families are like ships passing in the night, living in the same home, but never communicating. Without Christ, conversations are impossible.

The family quickly finished their breakfast and, following the directions from Peter, arrived at the little church a bit early. But a lot of the congregation was already assembled - as was Peter, Sarah, Mrs. Black and Luke.
Leona and Sarah hugged for almost a full minute. They hadn’t seen each other since that day Leona has stormed out of the Center.

Count to 60, slowly. By the time you get to 15, this hug has already gotten creepy.

"Will you please forgive me, Sarah?” Leona whispered in her friend’s ear. “For everything that I ever said to you that day.”

“Oh, Leona, yes! Yes, I do forgive you,” Sarah hugged her tighter. “All your sins are forgiven by the Creator...why shouldn’t I forgive you too?”

*headdesk* Go to any Christian message board, blog, etc. Christians get angry, Christians hold grudges, Christians are human, too. I don't even find this to be a very convincing reason to forgive someone. "Hey, I know you're having a hard time right now, don't worry about it" is one thing, "Well, if Jesus says so" is quite another.

They pulled away from each other and smiled. “You look beautiful, Leona,” Sarah said. “There’s a shine about your face that is so beautiful.”
Leona laughed. “That’s funny,” she said. “I always thought that about you.”

Jesus makes you shiny. I suggest astringent.

The song soon finished, and they all sat down. The pastor prayed and then started in on his sermon of God’s love and forgiveness. It was a wonderful sermon for Leona to hear as a new believer. It touched her heart and made her swell with unexpressible joy to know that Jesus loved her and forgave her of all her sins. It wasn’t a long sermon, but filled with so much feeling and love for God that Leona could’ve kept listening for two more hours. After service, the church had fellowship downstairs. The Jacksons hadn’t brought anything to share in the meal, but they made a mental note to remember to bring something next Sunday.
Next Sunday, Leona thought. Wasn’t it special to look forward to coming to church next week?

Did her heart grow two sizes that day?

Fellowship ended too soon, it seemed, for the Jacksons, but they were already looking forward to next Sunday. Leona hugged Mrs. Black and Sarah, and kissed Luke on his cheek before allowing Peter to help her into her parents’ car. She rolled down the window and said good-bye to him. Peter smiled and said good bye, then turned to shake her parents’ hands before they left.
“That Peter fellow is a very nice young man,” her dad remarked on their drive home.
Leona flushed, without meaning to.
“Oh yes!” Mrs. Jackson exclaimed. “He’s very sweet. And such manners too!”
“Yes,” Leona agreed. And I love him.

"And such manners, too!" Either this book is set in 1792 or we're discussing a dog. "You should totally marry him! I know you hardly know him and you just broke up with your baby daddy, but he says 'please' and 'thank you'! You can't possibly do better than that!" Leona, I don't think your mom really likes you if she thinks that's the best you can do.

Since we're not getting the official final chapter, perhaps we should write our own. I'm thinking something along the lines of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As I recall, Mrs. Black is running a child labor ring and Peter owns a brothel outside of Las Vegas. Surely we can do something with that. (denelian: you did say you were bored . . .)

*It's a bit of thing amongst a certain set of stay-at-home-daughter bloggers to call themselves "Miss So and So". Unless they are nobility, I'm calling shenanigans.

Major Lulz from the Sheltered - Chapter 6

Continuing the dramatic, if highly unrealistic, tale of Leona, the soon-t0-be single mom (Chapter 5 below) is Chapter 6- Electric Bugaloo.

Leona has, of course, found god. (He was behind the curtains all along!)

Leona was saved that day by the lake, with Peter holding her hand and praying with her. She felt like a new person. She felt clean - almost the way she felt after taking a nice, long shower...except that the cleanliness was inside of her.

For some reason, every time I read this sort of description of god, jesus or the holy spirit, I can't help but see sexual innuendo. It's probably the implication that I must be dirty inside, and well, it's all downhill from there.

No one could understand this feeling, unless they, themselves, are saved.

Well, that has to be the most obvious author preach I've seen in a while. Miss Raquel isn't even trying to be subtle there. But how am I supposed to be saved if I don't understand? Eh, I guess I'll just stay dirty.

She was so excited and wanted to share her joy with her parents, but wasn’t sure if they’d be as happy. Yeah, they had claimed they were Christians, but that was a few years ago. They hadn’t attended church in a long time.

Whoever isn't with me is against me? I'm not sure why they'd care, really. What's hilarious is that Leona has to tell them that she converted to fundyism and that she's pregnant. She's worried that they'll be upset about her conversion.

“Peter,” Leona said, after she had stopped crying her joyful tears. “I need to go home.”

Crying her joyful tears? As opposed to crying someone else's joyful tears?

Then [Peter] did something that Leona didn’t expect. He reached out a hand and, hesitantly, touched Leona’s cheek. She didn’t move; just kept a steady gaze on his face.

Much like a deer or rabbit might in this situation. That's a really creepy picture of physical affection between two adults, one of whom we know has had sex.

“Bye,” he said, abruptly and turned and walked to his car.
Leona stood where she was for a minute. Her heart was fluttering with a joy that she couldn’t express. She had stopped herself from hurting her baby...she was now a child of God...and Peter had just made his first sign of affection to her. She didn’t doubt that she herself had been growing fond of him. She almost...loved him. She smiled to herself and got in her car. She and Peter honked to each other and started off in their own directions.”

First of all, [s]he had stopped herself from hurting her baby sounds like she was going to shake it quiet but didn't, aren't we all children of god and Peter's still creeping me out a bit. She didn’t doubt that she herself had been growing fond of him. Dear Phillip K. Dick, Miss Raquel needs to read something written in the last 50 years. That is so awkward. And weird. Leona didn't doubt her own emotions that she is currently feeling? Um, what? I would accept that perhaps Leona doesn't know how she feels, but that's an awkward way of putting it.

Also, I'm going to have to argue with the pacing of this "fictional". Leona's baby daddy dumped her the day she found out she was pregnant. As far as I can tell, it's been two weeks, at most, since then. This relationship with Peter seems sudden, too soon and a bit ill conceived.Really, let the corpse of your prior relationship cool a little before starting a new one.

Ooh, wait! Maybe this is a way better story than I think it is and Peter isn't the nice, Christian man led by God to love the damaged girl, maybe he's a scumbag who trawls the pregnancy center for frightened young women with no place to turn in order to fill the beds at his brothel outside of Vegas. This explains his awkward face touching. He's really just testing to see if Leona can remain calm while a strange man . . . well, this probably is not that story.

She wished she had more time to think of what she was going to tell her parents, but the drive home was short. She saw both her parents’ cars in the driveway and was surprised that her dad was off work so early. She shrugged, thinking nothing of it and parked next to the house.

well, no. she did think something of her father being home. also, don't bring up a detail like that unless it's going to be important later. As someone far wiser than me said, if you're going to introduce a flirtatious Jägermonster in Act 1, he'd better damn well be on his way to getting some by Act 3. Or something like that.

“Mom? Dad? Where are you guys?” she called out as she entered the house.
“In the den, honey!” she heard her mother call.
“Okay, God,” Leona breathed. “I need Your help right now.”
She entered the den and saw her mother watching TV and knitting and her dad, with his usual newspaper in his hands, but his attention was diverted to whatever his wife was watching. Leona walked over to the TV and hit the ‘power’ button.

No, he was not diverted by whatever "his wife" (who refers to their mother that way?) was watching, he was watching TV. plus, unless Leona's father is in the habit of carrying a newspaper around every waking moment, you can't refer to him holding a newspaper when he's at home instead of being at work where he should be as "usual". I'm also fairly certain Leona turned off the TV, rather than hitting the "power" button.

“We need to talk,” she said.
Her parents exchanged glances and her mother said, “All right, dear.”

Leona was a bit nervous, so remained standing and paced the room as she tried to find the right words to begin with. Her parents followed her movements - which made her even more nervous - but finally, she began:

“I know that we’ve...” she stopped. “I’ve never really been open with you two, but I need to tell you...a lot has been happening in my life these past few months. I haven’t told you about...something - that I’m going to tell you right now - because,” she took a deep breath. “Because I didn’t know how you guys would take it. You see - ”
Her dad interrupted her. “You’re pregnant.”

Go dad!

Leona’s head shot up and she looked at her dad, then her mom, and back to her dad.
“You know?” she asked, shocked beyond words.

She is not shocked beyond words if she is speaking!

Her parents only nodded.
“How?” she asked.
"Jerry,” her mother said.
“Jerry?” Leona asked, puzzled. “How...When did you talk to him? When did he call?”
“A couple weeks ago,” her dad said. “He wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t like the tone of his voice and the way he demanded that I hand the phone over to you. I knew something was wrong between you two. I asked him and he...spilled the beans.”

So, for two weeks you've been waiting around to see what would happen? Does that make any sense at all? Keep in mind, for all Miss Raquel keeps telling us Leona's parents don't care about her, up until now they've been asking her where she goes when she leaves and have been concerned about her continuing nausea. It's like these people had a personality transplant since Leona first threw up.

This does bring up another problem, as well, one that I'm guessing Miss Raquel will gloss over. That's Jerry's baby, too. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with Leona to assert his parental rights if he wants them. The courts in the US do lamentably give preference to women over men when it comes to custody, but he'll at least get partial custody of the baby if he wants it. I'm not sure how aware of all this Miss Raquel is.

So, anyway, Leona's parents are totally cool with Leona having a baby, let's see how they take her being a Christian.

“But, even though that is one of the best things I wanted to tell you...the greatest thing of all is...I’m a Christian now.”
“You what?” her mother asked, surprised.
“I’m saved...from my sin. God saved me today.” New tears filled her eyes and ran down her cheeks.
“Welcome to the family of God, my child,” her father said and got up from his chair and went to stand next to his daughter. He put his arm around her shoulders and she looked up into his face. She saw tears in his eyes, too.
Her mother came to her, also, and stood on the other side of her daughter. “Yes, dear, we’ve been praying for so long.”
“You have?” Leona asked.
“Yes.” They both nodded.
“I know...” her dad began. “That we might not have been very good Christians - not a very good testimony to you. I know we haven’t been going to church, but...we didn’t like going without you. We did a couple times, but were embarrassed when people asked where our daughter was.”
“I’m sorry.” Leona felt so ashamed to have put her parents in such a situation.
“Don’t be, dear,” her mother said, hugging her. “We should’ve cared more about your spiritual walk when you were younger, and not waited till you were a teenager to start ‘preaching’ to you.” She used the word ‘preaching’, because that was what Leona had called it when they had tried to get her to go to church with them. “We worship God here at home on Sundays.”
“But now,” her father said. “We’ll go to church- as a family.”

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Secretly they were fundys all along! Fundys who were totally cool that their daughter was having sex with her boyfriend! Fundys who knew she was pregnant but weren't the slightest bit concerned that she might have an abortion!

Wow. That's totally amazing! I'll have to say, I did not see that twist coming.

Which makes me wonder: will Jerry convert as well? Will there be a showdown for her affections between baby daddy Jerry and Christian DJ Peter?

Major Lulz from the Sheltered - Chapter 5

I can't believe I missed Chapter 5 of Life's Choices when it went up. So today, I have the pleasure of reviewing Chapter 5 and tomorrow I will work on Chapter 6. (Previous Chapters)

When last we left our heroine, Leona, she was . . . um, pregnant. I forget. But it's hardly important, I'm sure we can figure this out.

actually, i had all this great snark written and then I got to Leona's adventures in Planned Parenthood. It's so utterly clueless and offensive, I erased the snark to concentrate on this.

Leona pushed the thought out of her mind and made her decision. She was going to the Planned Parenthood Clinic right now and get this whole thing over with. She would never have to tell her parents, and if Peter or Sarah asked her, she could just tell them that she had a miscarriage.
She grabbed her purse and dashed out to her car before she could change her mind. Why was she afraid that she would, though?
She arrived at the clinic ten minutes later and walked in.
“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked.
“I’m here for an appointment,” Leona said.
“Did you have it scheduled?” the woman asked, looking through her desk calendar.
“No,” Leona said. “I just now decided. Is it possible to get...it done really quick?”
“Why don’t you have a seat in the lobby and I’ll see if we have a doctor free.” The woman waved to the lobby room and then disappeared through a door.

no. just no. you need an appointment to get an abortion. walk-ins are not welcome. first of all, they have to confirm that you actually are pregnant. this is so ridiculous, and it just gets worse.

Leona began to feel nervous. There were a few other girls in the lobby, but Leona suddenly felt alone and almost scared.
“This your first time?” a girl sitting near her asked.
“Yeah,” Leona mumbled.
“You seem kinda nervous,” the girl stated.
"I am,” Leona tried a wobbly grin. “A little.”
“Well, don’t be,” the girl said with a wave of her hand. “It’s nothing, really. Just try thinking of it as getting an overgrown toe nail removed. That’s pretty much what it’s like. I mean, it’s something not alive. Almost like a fungus.” The girl seemed to emphasis ‘it’ a lot.

Really? First of all, I think the "girl" means "ingrown" toenail, not "overgrown" toenail, because I remove overgrown toenails myself with nail clippers.

Secondly, this cavalier portrayal of abortion? Bullshit. Abortion is not a decision that is reached lightly. It is reached after much weighing of facts, consideration of alternatives and soul searching. It is beyond offensive to state (I was going to use "imply", but this is more than implication) that women who have abortions do so after less thought than they would expend on a new hair color or manicure.

Leona was shocked. All this time she had been calling ‘it’ a baby...but was it really just what the girl had said? Like an overgrown toe nail?
“Anyway, you’ll get used to it after a while,” the girl said.
“Get used to what?” Leona questioned, with puzzled look.
"Get used to coming here,” the girl laughed, almost freakishly. “This is my fifth time.”
"Your fifth time getting an abortion?” Leona was shocked.
“Well, yeah, what did you think I meant?” The girl laughed again.
By this time, the two other girls who were in the lobby were listening in on Leona’s and the other girls conversation. One of them piped in, “It’s my third time here, actually. And my friend here has been here once before.” She waved to the girl sitting next to her.
Leona felt herself sink deeper into her chair as her mind swirled with so many different thoughts. How could these girls talk of this procedure so lightly? Didn’t they ever think of what they were losing?

First of all, very few teenage girls get abortions anymore and very few people get multiple abortions. Planned Parenthood also offers birth control services, you see. Which you would know, Miss Raquel, if you bothered to use google instead of simply restating a prolife pamphlet.

A more realistic representation of who would be there for an abortion:

Eighteen percent of U.S. women obtaining abortions are teenagers; those aged 15-17 obtain 6% of all abortions, teens aged 18-19 obtain 11%, and teens under age 15 obtain 0.4%. Women in their twenties account for more than half of all abortions; women aged 20–24 obtain 33% of all abortions, and women aged 25-29 obtain 24%.

So, if there were 3 people besides Leona in that waiting room, it's unlikely any of them were "girls". Leona is 18 (we think), so everyone else in that room should have been 20 or older.

About 61% of abortions are obtained by women who have one or more children.

So, yes, Leona, if that waiting room were filled with the people who really do get abortions, they would know exactly what "they are losing", from personal experience, unlike you, you judgmental little twit.

Forty-two percent of women obtaining abortions have incomes below 100% of the federal poverty level ($10,830 for a single woman with no children). Twenty-seven percent of women obtaining abortions have incomes between 100-199% of the federal poverty level.*

That's why they're willing to "lose" it, Miss Raquel. These women already have at least one child and are making less than $10,830 a year. A year! That's not even poverty, that's one school lunch away from starvation. So why don't you stop writing "fictionals*" and do something to help these women if you're so concerned about the little babies?

So, even in a Planned Parenthood that does provide abortion services, of the women in the room, not all should be there for abortions (the rest would be there for yearly exams, etc.), and the one other woman there for an abortion should be in dire poverty, over 20 and have at least one child.

Fail, Miss Raquel, fail.

*She describes this dreadful little story as a "fictional". Yes, she nouned an adjective.

Major Lulz from the Sheltered - Chapter 4

In today's exciting chapter in Life of a Teenage Slut, God steals an ipod! (Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3)

Wednesday morning dawned bright and cheery. Leona made her way down to the kitchen where
she heard her parents already eating breakfast.

Which leads me to the belief that Leona's parents eat with their mouths open, making what she heard a lot of slurping and gulping. Ew.

“Hello, dear!” Mrs. Jackson looked up from her bowl of cereal and grapefruit. “Sleep well?”
“Hi, Mom,” Leona answered. “Yeah, I did...hi, Dad,” she added, seeing her dad sitting across the small breakfast table from her mother.

This is a style criticism: the story is told from Leona's point of view in what's called Third Person Limited Viewpoint. We see everything through Leona's eyes and through the bias of her perspective. Why would Leona think of her mother as "Mrs. Jackson"? Also, she heard her "parents" eating, why does she just now notice dad, especially considering that he's probably at most two feet away from mom.

“Good-morning, Leona.” He looked up from his newspaper. “Where did you go yesterday? We hardly saw anything of you.”

That is really archaic language, probably caused by the fact that good fundys don't read any fiction written after Jane Austen's works. (What exactly they think Jane Austen wrote about is whole 'nother post.) The problem with using archaic words or structure in a modern story is that it jars the reader right out of the story. You want your reader to be absorbed, not stopping to say things aloud to see if they sound any more normal when spoken aloud.

Leona halted in making her English muffin. Since when had her parents been interested in her activities?

WAH! Sorry, her parents still sound like really nice people to me. I think Miss Raquel is trying to paint them as neglectful secularists, but they just seem . . . nice. Leona, on the other hand, is a whingey, spoiled brat.

“Oh, I had a few places to go,” she said, as nonchalantly as possible. She willed her muffin to hurry
its toasting.
“What was that book you brought home?” her mother asked.
Leona’s back went rigid. How did they know about the Bible that Peter had given her yesterday? She turned to face them. “How did you know about that?”

So, that's weird. That's weird on a lot of levels. Bibles are very distinctive books, and I cannot believe that Leona's parents wouldn't be able to identify one easily, unless they just arrived on this planet yesterday. Secondly, why is Leona so upset that her parents know about her Bible? She's acting like her parents found her stash of porn, and it's extreme furry BDSM at that.

“I saw it on your night stand, dear,” her mother explained. “After you came home last afternoon, you just fell into bed to rest. I went up to check on you and saw that you had been reading it. I was just curious.”

These people talk like aliens. It's like the book is set in 1850.

She rushed out of the kitchen and headed up to her room. She closed the door behind herself and reached for her purse. She needed some music to calm her before she started crying again. She sifted through her purse in search of her iPod, but couldn’t find it.

okay, so set in the modern day.

Where did it go? She wondered, then thought of a possibility. When she had gotten her wallet out at the Pregnancy Center, she had set her iPod on the counter, and couldn’t remember if she had put it back in her purse or not.
Great! She thought to herself. I wasn’t planning on going back to that place any time soon. I guess this calls for an unscheduled appointment.

Or a phone call. Is this some alternate reality 1850 in which people have ipods but not phones?

She went downstairs and quietly headed out the front door. She didn’t want her parents nosing into her business again and ask her where she was going.

Yes, those horrible people that don't care about her at all. But always ask her where she's going. Exactly like people who care.

Ten minutes later, she pulled up at the Center. She saw Sarah at the receptionist’s desk through the glass door.
“Hi, Leona!” Sarah called out, as Leona entered the building.
Leona was a bit surprised that Sarah remembered her name. “Hi,” she called back.
“In for another chat?” Sarah asked with a smile.
“Um, no,” Leona answered. “I think I left my iPod here yesterday by accident.”
"Oh, was that yours?” Sarah asked, coming around the desk. She walked to a drawer cabinet by the side exit door and reached into one of its drawers. “Here it is!” she pulled out Leona’s green iPod and handed it to her.
“Thanks,” Leona said, with a small smile. She stuck the iPod back in its rightful place.
“Don’t mention it,” Sarah responded. “We’re glad to have it back to its rightful owner. We were wondering whose it was.”

So, yeah. More confirmation that everyone in this story will speak in exactly the same voice, all the way through. Look, I know it's hard to give characters distinct styles of speech separate from each other and from your own, but at least try. Here, let me show you how it's done (altered text in purple):

Ten minutes later, she pulled up at the Center. She saw Sarah at the receptionist’s desk through the glass door.
“Hoy, Leona!” Sarah called out, as Leona entered the building.
Leona was a bit surprised that Sarah remembered her name. “Hi,” she called back.
“In for anodder chat?” Sarah asked with a smile.
“Um, no,” Leona answered. “I think I left my iPod here yesterday by accident.”
"Oh, vas dat yous?” Sarah asked, coming around the desk. She walked to a drawer cabinet by the side exit door and reached into one of its drawers. “Here it is!” she pulled out Leona’s green iPod and handed it to her.
“Thanks,” Leona said, with a small smile. She stuck the iPod back in its rightful place.
“Dun mention it,” Sarah responded. “Ve’re glad to hef it back to its rightful owner. Ve vere vonderink hooz it vas”

See, you can tell Sarah from Leona now. And, quite frankly, I think this story is vastly improved by transforming Sarah into a Jaegermonster. (And now I'm considering rewriting A Tale of Two Cities so that every major character is a Jaegermonster. It might even be readable when I'm done, which is more than I can say for the original.)

Just then, the bell over the front door tingled as someone entered the Center.

That's obviously a typo. I'm sure she meant to say that the door "tinkled". However, the idea of the door tingling is pretty amusing.

“Sarah!” a male voice called out cheerily.

*headdesk* This is a pet peeve of mine, along with "his eyes rested on the floor". (His "gaze" rested on the floor. If his eyes rested on the floor, something terrible occurred that I don't really want to know about.) A male voice did not and cannot call out, cheerily or otherwise. Someone can call out in a male voice, but let's just say "a man called out, 'Sarah!' ".

“Peter!” she answered. “What are you doing here?”
The two hugged each other and then Sarah remembered that Leona was still present.

Ouch! Perspective switch whiplash!

“Oh, Leona,” Sarah turned to her. “Meet Peter Gunn.”
Peter and Leona were both very surprised to see each other again.

And again! "Peter looked as surprised to see Leona as she felt at seeing him again."

“Oh!” Leona exclaimed.
“Why, Leona Jackson!” Peter grinned widely. “I’m sorry; I didn’t see you. How extraordinary that we meet again!”

Peter is apparently a refugee from Sense and Sensibility.

Peter quickly explained how he had met Leona yesterday evening. Leona felt herself flush with embarrassment to know that Peter now knew why she had been crying when he had first met her. Why else would she be at the Pregnancy Center?

This rings true. I can definitely see an 18-year-old girl feeling very embarrassed by this.

Leona wanted to change the subject desperately and said the first thing that came to mind. “So, you two are married?”

That's the first thing that comes to mind? Remember, Leona isn't from Miss Raquel's world, in which people marry young and members of the opposite sex don't touch unless they are married or blood relatives. Leona is from our world, in which it is in no way odd for a man and a woman to greet each other with a hug. "So you guys are friends?" would be a believable question from Leona, but "Are you married?" is bizarre.

Sarah and Peter both laughed.
“Goodness no!” Sarah said with a smile. “Peter’s my brother.”
“Oh,” Leona said again. Why did she feel relieved?

Dude. You are 2 or 3 months pregnant by a guy who dumped you yesterday. Maybe another man isn't what you need right now.

“I’m not married,” Sarah said simply.

Why? Why does she say this?

“Uncle Petey!” Leona saw Luke exit from the back toy room and rush up to Peter. Peter lifted him up in the air and Luke giggled with glee.

So, yesterday Leona is enraged to see a woman threatening her daughter's life with a possibly cold cup of coffee, but today a toddler in a room by himself is no big deal. Okay then.

“Come see car I make,” Luke said, in his progressing English.
“Okay,” Peter said and followed Luke’s direction to the back room that he had just exited.

How many back rooms are there?

"Uncle?” Leona asked, puzzled.
“Yes,” Sarah said. “Luke is my son.”
“But...” Leona was confused. “You said - ” Then she stopped. What right had she to be asking Sarah why she had a son if she wasn’t married, when she herself was pregnant out of wedlock? Leona’s face turned red and she ducked her head to hide her embarrassment.

Nearly 4 in 10 babies are born to unmarried parents in the US, but Leona just can't even wrap her brain around the idea that Sarah is a single mom? Nobody out here in the real world is the slightest bit surprised to meet someone who had a child out of wedlock. We just aren't.

“That’s how I qualify,” Sarah stated simply.
“I beg your pardon?” Leona asked.
“That’s how I’m able to counsel. Because I know what the young woman is going through.” Sarah said this with a kind look. “I was once like you, Leona, except a bit younger. I got pregnant when I was 14.”
Leona was shocked. Not necessarily at how old Sarah had been, but...she would never have guessed that this happy, beautiful girl could ever have gone through the same circumstances that Leona herself felt and was experiencing.

See, now we would be surprised at the age. Being pregnant at 14 will make the rest of us moralize about babies having babies and such. Also, now you know exactly what qualifications the "counselors" at pregnancy centers have.

“I didn’t want to tell my parents. I was afraid that they would kick me out of the house...disown me. My boyfriend was...well, let’s just say, ‘not involved’. I was so scared! Scared for myself, scared for the baby. Even as young as I was, I knew that what I carried in me was a life. I couldn’t bring myself to go to the abortion clinic. I had to try to find a way to keep the baby and myself alive.

Yes, Sarah, the children's agencies in the state you live in would have done nothing to protect you had you contacted them. There are no foster homes, no schools for pregnant teens, no adoption services, nothing. You were totally on your own.

I didn’t have the nerve to tell my parents, but I did tell Peter.” Sarah paused and smiled. “As you might’ve already guess, we’re very close to each other, even though he’s four years older than me. I told him that I was pregnant and he was...to say the least, shocked. But, he didn’t yell, he didn’t tell our parents - because I asked him not to, and he knew that he needed to help me. He was a Christian already - before me, and he knew about this pregnancy center and brought me here. That’s when I first met Miranda - Mrs. Black, as she’s known around here. She ‘took me under her wing’, if you want to say.”

"Mrs. Black, as she’s known around here."? Is "Mrs. Black" an alias? Is she known as Professor White somewhere else?

Let's confront something important to this story because it keeps coming up. In this story, it's the nonchristian parents who kick out their pregnant daughters, but the Christians do nothing but support their wayward children. Bullshit. I know lots of people who got pregnant in high school. Their parents weren't happy about it, but they did support them. The two girls from fundamentalist Christian families weren't nearly so lucky, which is how I know about state services for pregnant girls kicked out by their parents.

Sarah moved from her chair and sat in one next to Leona. She put her arm around Leona’s shoulders and said, “I’m guessing that my story is a lot like yours.” It was more a statement than a question.
Leona could only nod. “I don’t know what to do, Sarah,” she finally managed to gasp. “If my parents find out, they’ll....they’ll kill me. I wouldn’t know what to do or where to go. It would be impossible to have a job to support myself and the baby. My boyfriend ditched me - doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have a sweet, older brother like you do, and I’m sure Mrs. Black doesn’t want another daughter. Oh, it’s just impossible, Sarah! I can’t do this!”

I'll say it again. We have seen no evidence that Leona's parents would kick her out for being pregnant. None. They are presented as perfectly nice people who love their child. Yet I'm supposed to believe they are horrible people who will leave their only child to freeze in the snow.

“You can, Leona,” Sarah said, firmly but gently, with a squeeze on Leona’s shoulders for extra measure. “With God’s help, you can.”
Leona stiffened and shrugged off Sarah’s arm. “I don’t have God like you do. I don’t believe that He would let something so bad happen to me - an innocent bystander. It’s not fair! People say that He loves everyone and wants to help them. Well, why would He let something this bad happen to me? No, Sarah, don’t start telling me about God. He can’t help me. Anymore...anymore than you can!” With that, Leona, now flushed with anger and frustration, stood up from her seat and walked to the door.
“Leona,” Sarah called.
Leona stopped and waited before turning and looking at Sarah.
“God gave you that little life for a reason. It’s a precious gift. Don’t do something you’ll regret.”
Leona glared at her for a second, before walking out the door. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Peter leaning against the doorframe of the play room, watching her leave.

$5 says Peter and Leona get married by the end of this story.

Major Lulz from the Sheltered - Chapter 3

And the lulz just keep on comin'! (Chapter 1, Chapter 2)

In today's episode of Slut-Shaming for Dummies Life's Choices, our most improbably named 18-year-old mentally debates adoption and single motherhood and meets a proselytizer with a porn name in a parking lot*.

Two hours later, Leona emerged from the counseling room of the Lewis County Pregnancy Center. Mrs. Black hugged her before she headed out to her car. Sarah waved at her and called a good-bye from behind the receptionist counter and little Luke added his own version good-bye.

You mean waving goodbye? Children under the age of 1 can handle that amazing feat. Luke is supposed to be 3, I believe.

Leona smiled to herself as she got into her car. The people she had met at the Center were so cheerful and sweet...made her feel welcome and wanted. Her day felt brand new.

Christians can cleanse not only souls, but days, too!

She decided to stop by her favorite coffee shop and grab a latte. She hadn’t had one for a while and thought she needed the treat.

Because that's what liberals do, right? They drink overpriced coffee-based beverages, yeah, I think.

As Leona sipped her hot latte,

ahem. speaking as an official liberal drinker of overpriced coffee-based beverages, I can tell you that lattes are assumed to be hot unless specified otherwise. "Hot latte" is a weird phrase to someone who actually does visit coffee shops on a regular basis. (Well, mostly Dunkin' Donuts. And I don't generally get lattes, but still, the point stands.)

she thought back to her conversation with Mrs. Black. The woman made her feel as if she had known her all her life. It was so easy to talk to her...to tell her what her life was like. She was able to tell her about Jerry and how he had left her after finding out that she was pregnant. Mrs. Black seemed to really understand what Leona was feeling and sympathized with her. But even after her talk with Mrs. Black, Leona still felt that she wouldn’t be able to keep the baby. It wasn’t fair to him or her that they should grow up with just one parent - never knowing their biological father.

Full stop. Your average, normal, liberal teen would never think this. Maybe 1 in a 100 might possibly, I suppose, but no. It is assumed in this day and age that teen mothers will raise their own children, probably without the equally teen father around to help. And who thinks "biological father" like that, anyway? Why not just "father"?

When she had asked Mrs. Black for other alternatives, the older woman had given her several. Carry the baby to full-term and keep him/her or give birth to him/her and then the baby up for adoption or foster.

That's actually not several alternatives, that's two, and only one of those is an alternative to keeping the baby herself. (I really fail to see the difference between "foster" and "adoption" in this instance if Leona doesn't want to consider raising the baby without the father who has already left her.)

Leona was sure that it would never work to keep the baby. And she wasn’t sure about the whole adoption process. At least she could make sure that the baby would go to a better home. But...hadn’t she been thinking all along that the baby shouldn’t have to grow up not knowing his or her father? Why would she want to give her baby away and for it not to know both of its parents?

Well, yeah, actually. Good point. Never gets addressed.

Abortion seemed like such an easy choice. She wouldn’t have to worry about telling her parents, or about the whole adoption procedure, or even have to have a huge belly in front of her for 9 whole months! How embarrassing would that be - having to tell everyone, who asked her, that she was a single mom?

Um, is Leona an elephant? She's already 3 months pregnant, so why would she have a pregnant belly for 9 more months? 6 more months, absolute tops. Also, while everyone who sees you will forget etiquette and normal social rules and quiz you endlessly about the baby, nobody will ask you about the father. Especially not if you look young. Except for really judgmental religious types. They'll jump right in with the slut shaming.

So then some woman is careless, well, not really at all**, with her child and Leona screams at her and then realizes- gasp!- she was about to kill her own baby, so how can she complain if someone else lets their baby play in traffic! So then she runs out to her car and cries and then some nice (probably Christian) boy asks if she's okay, and we get this:

She wasn’t sure if she should roll down her window or not. He might be one of those lunatics that always wandered around large parks. But he seemed harmless enough and genuinely concerned. Besides, he didn’t look loony. His dark hair was combed neatly and he had on a nice polo shirt and slacks.

Yes, large parks (which is not where Leona is, btw) are always mobbed by the mentally ill/psychopathic killers. It's hard to even find a place for a picnic anymore, what with with all the crazies taking up the space. Nothing like insulting the mentally ill in the middle of your slut shaming.

So, the not-obviously-a-serial-killer (who is?) is Peter Gunn (a porn name if I ever heard one) who hands her a Bible. Then we learn that if two people in one day tell you about this Jesus fellow- who's that?- it must be true.

Leona tossed the Bible onto the passenger seat of her car and started the engine. She had one of those at home, but never read it. Why was God suddenly coming into her life? Sure, she had heard about Him at that Sunday school that she used to go to before she had decided to stay home from church altogether. Her parents sometimes talked about Him, but when she had told them to lay off being preachy to her, they had. They didn’t go to church anymore either.

I guess our family just sort of got bored with it, she thought to herself.
But first that DJ on the radio station and now this guy that just happened to stop at her car and hand her this Bible. This was too much.

Why was her life changing so fast?

Wow, a DJ on a religious station and some guy in a parking lot both talked about god on the same day- it's too much! Why, god, why?!

*I bet you anything this is the plot to an actual porno, and the name is something like "Parking Lot Pussy 5".

**If you haven't had children what happens might come across as extreme carelessness, but as someone who has raised a small child, I can tell you that no matter how careful you are, children get hurt. It's what they do. They also eat dust bunnies, shove pennies up their noses and trip over chalk lines. All in the 24 seconds it takes you to pee.