Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Major Lulz from the Sheltered - Chapter 2

Miss Raquel has provided us with the second chapter of the gripping tale of The Slut and Her Punishment Life's Choices. (Chapter 1)

She didn’t even think about having dinner that evening. She felt so used, hurt, and sad that even the thought of food made her sick to her stomach. Or maybe she was beginning to have morning sickness?
Great. She thought to herself. She wouldn’t be able to hide that fact from her parents when it started getting worse. She had had the morning sickness feeling a few days ago. That was the reason that she went to see the doctor. Well, one of the reasons. She had missed her menstrual period the past two months or so and had begun to worry that something was wrong...now she knew what.

Leona, in case you've forgotten (really, Chapter 2 starts with "she"), is three months pregnant. Morning sickness starts well before the second trimester. In fact, generally speaking, most women find that morning sickness eases in the second trimester. (I know, that's not always true.) By this point, Leona should have been puking morning, noon and night for weeks on end. She should also be gaining weight, have tender breasts, be so tired she falls asleep standing up, crying over cheese commercials and, oh yes, missing her period.

Leona goes to the doctor not because she hasn't had a period in 2 months, but because she's been a little queasy. Seriously? Is Leona developmentally challenged in some way? Did immigrant mom drop her on her head? Has she been drunk for the past three months straight?

The next morning, while taking a cold shower, she tried to make a plan in her head. She could go to the abortion clinic today, get the abortion taken care of, and then act as if nothing ever happened. If her parents asked her again, why she had been so down yesterday, she’ll just tell them the truth and that it was all taken care of.

Yes, because abortion providers are like McDonalds. You don't have to make an appointment, meet with a doctor, be examined by said doctor, watch a state-mandated ultrasound, wait the state-mandated 24 hours (depending on what state you are in), you just walk to the corner (there's an abortionist on every corner), open the door and five minutes later, BAM!, no more fetus. Abortions are free, too, did you know that? In fact, liberals will pay you to have an abortion. That's why Leona doesn't have any concern as to cost. Also, on what planet would it be easier to tell your mother that you were pregnant and had an abortion rather than simply "i'm pregnant"?

After dabbing a little makeup on (her eyes were red and swollen from her good cry last night), she called a good-bye to her parents who were eating breakfast in the kitchen and headed out to her car. She turned the key into the ignition and pulled out into the street. She pushed the ‘radio ON’ button and switched through the channels. For some reason, she let the ‘seek’ button rest on a radio station that she had never listened to before.

“God has a plan for every person’s life,” the DJ was saying. “He knows what you’re going through and wants to be there with you; to help you through your hard times. But you have to let Him. He won’t help if you don’t fully surrender your life to Him and make Him the King of your heart.”

Leona’s brain was telling her to switch the channel and forget what that dumb DJ was saying about that God she had heard about before, but her heart seemed to will her to listen more.

Leona "dabbed on a little makeup" on her eyes that were still red and swollen from her "good cry" the night before? Do you have any idea the level of hysteria an 18 year old would have to reach to have eyes still swollen 8 hours after crying? A little makeup would not fix that. I doubt Raquel has ever used makeup before, not even lip gloss.

That "dumb DJ" talking about "that God" person she's heard about somewhere before! At this point, we're in a Chick Tract, in which people use obscenities that aren't and nearly pass out in surprise from hearing about that Jesus fellow.

"To everyone who is listening out there,” he continued. “I want you to know that God has a plan for your life. You may not know Him as your personal LORD and Savior, but He knows you. He knows everything about you. There’s nothing you can hide from God. Surrender your life to Him today.”
Just then, a commercial came on, talking about the Lewis County Pregnancy Center. They were offering counseling sessions and were inviting women to come for a ‘heart-to-heart talk’ with one of the Center’s counselors.
What could it hurt? Leona found herself thinking. She saw the Pregnancy Center just up ahead. She could stop in really quick and if she couldn’t find a solution to her problem, she could just head on over to the ‘clinic’.

Well, isn't that a coincidence! Leona's pregnant, on her to way to receive her complimentary abortion and pedicure, and while passing by the Misinformation and Manipulation Pregnancy Center, she hears an ad for the Pregnancy Center. Wow. Miss Raquel is to subtlety what Stephanie Meyers is to feminism.

Next we have Lukey and Sarah in the Pregnancy Center. I won't bore you with the incredibly pointless conversation, but notice how children and Christians are described in loving detail while we don't know the slightest detail of our heroine's appearance.

She pulled into the Center’s parking lot and climbed out of her car. When she reached the glass front door, she saw a child on the other side of the door looking out at her. It was an adorable little boy, with curly blonde hair and big hazel eyes. She smiled at him and when she reached the door, slowly pushed it open, so as not to hit him.

. . .

Sarah smiled again. Leona noticed that whenever she did, her whole face lit up with a beautiful shine. Her blonde hair and green eyes were beautiful too, and she looked so much like Luke that Leona guessed she was his older sister. She looked to be about sixteen; two years younger than Leona.

Oh, Leona! You're in a pregnancy center, yet you assume that the teenage girl could not possible be his mother? Abortion is no big deal to the average liberal, but teen mothers are so shocking as to be unthinkable. Yeah. And those Christians, with their shining beauty. If I convert right now do I get blonde hair, green eyes and a beautiful shine?

Amazingly, Leona can correctly identify the age of everyone she sees. It's a gift!

Leona was just about to ask her how you could ‘qualify’, when a door on the opposite side of the room opened and a young girl, who looked to be about thirteen, stepped out with an older, kind looking woman following close behind.

“I’ll see you next week, then, Melissa,” the older woman said to the thirteen-year-old.

You know damn well Miss Raquel only put that in to shock everyone with the- DUMDUMDUM - pregnant thirteen-year-old.

Then Leona meets the "counselor". (Keeping in mind that pregnancy centers are not generally staffed by trained mental health care professionals, but rather prolife zealots who have no ethical limits when it comes to keeping pregnant women pregnant.)

“Mrs. Black,” she started again. “Listen, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. To be honest, I was on my way to the abortion clinic and was flipping through the channels on my radio and came across that local Christian station. I heard your guys’ commercial and...I don’t even know why I stopped in. I mean, how can you guys help me? There’s nothing you can do to get a rid of this baby or...or make me go back to before I was pregnant.” Leona’s voice began to break and before she could prevent herself, the tears once more started to flow. She felt humiliated to be crying in front of a woman who was a total stranger. She covered her face with her hands and the sobs overtook her.
She felt a kind arm wrap around her shoulders and she peeked through her fingers to see Mrs. Black kneeling next to her chair.
“Can I give you a hug, Leona dear?”
This only brought forth a new burst of sobs from Leona and she couldn’t respond. But Mrs. Black seemed to get the message and soon Leona was enveloped in Mrs. Black’s kind arms. She felt safe - for the first time in months. She felt loved - by this woman who she met only a few minutes ago. The tears flowed freely, and Mrs. Black’s soothing voice slowly calmed her down. Over the noise of her own sobs, Leona heard only a few of the words that Mrs. Black was muttering, “Jesus, help Leona...Show her love.”. Leona slowly raised her head from her hands and was met with Mrs. Black’s kind smile.
“How about we try talking about this, okay sweetie?” Mrs. Black said encouragingly.
Leona only nodded and began her story.

Aw, she felt safe- for the first time since she started having sex. Because sex outside of marriage automatically makes one feel unsafe. In fairness, since Leona and Jerry clearly weren't using any form of protection (and I really doubt Miss Raquel even knows what I'm referring to), maybe she should have felt unsafe. I guarantee you Miss Raquel won't bring it up, but Leona needs to be tested for every STD, stat.

Betcha $20 that Chapter 3 is the big, dramatic conversion scene!


  1. Oh ho ho... Chapter 1 wasn't all that bad, but here if completely falls away from any semblence of decent writing. This is almost Left-Behind worthy.

    Don't you love how the DJ on the radio is able to pronounce the capital letters in "LORD"?

    Also in the same paragraph: unnecessary half-quotes around the word 'clinic', just to make it absolutely clear that what you should be reading is: "Innocent Baby Murdering Plant."

  2. This stuff really is so bad, it's good. Keep us posted, PF!

  3. ..........................


  4. "Mrs. Black," she started again. “Listen, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. To be honest... wait..." Leona's eye's narrowed. "Are you broadcasting subliminal mind control messages through the radio?"

    For a moment an expression of panic passed across Mrs Black's face, to be replaced with a strange blank smile. She wandered across to her desk.

    "Now what would make a delightful young lady like you ask a silly question like that?" she said, reaching across the desk...

    Leona thought about it. It was a silly idea, really. She wondered why she had even thought it in the first place. Some small part of her mind was desperately trying to get her attention, but Mrs Black's voice was so comforting, so nice, so kind... yes, that was the word. Kind. It seemed so silly that she could have thought anything bad about these kind, wonderful people with the car noise muffled and a radio in the corner quietly playing...

    The radio.

    Her mind cleared with an icy chill, and she saw with sudden clarity Mrs Black's finger repeatedly hitting a hidden button on the underside of the desk. She stood abruptly.

    There was a series of loud clicks as a mob of black-clad, sunglass-wearing guards tumbled through the door, pointing an arsenal of automatic weapons at her back. Mrs Black turned around, a cruel smile on her face.

    "She knows," Black stated simply. Her smile widened as she pulled a glock out of her jacket. "Take her alive. I'm sure the re-education centre will be very happy to see her."

    Leona mentally berated herself as the suits moved in. She hadn't even brought in her pistol. Oh well... she'd just have to improvise.

    Spinning, she kicked the chair into the men's faces, making them stagger back. Pulling her cellphone out of her pocket, she continued the spin and flung it with full force at Mrs. Black.*

    The phone smashed into her nose as Leona ran at her, shoving her to the side and diving to the other side of the desk. Mrs Black shouted and fires a few shots, triggering a hail of bullets from the gun wielding mooks as Leona shelted behind the heavy desk. She cursed the inexorable advance of technology: an older phone would have knocked the woman out-cold. As it was she'd just given her a nose bleed and made her angry.

    The gunfire stopped, and Blacks voice, muffled by her holding her nose, came from the other side of the bullet-damaged desk.

    "You've got nowhere to run, Miss Leona. Give up now, and we will let you live!"

    "Oh yeah?" Leona shouted back, her arm feeling around on top of the desk for a weapon, any weapon. "What guarantee do I have that you'll keep your end of the bargain?"

    "You misunderstand, Miss Leona. This is not a bargaining. You have nothing to bargain with. This is an offer of mercy."

    "Uh huh," returned Leona, her hands closing over something thin. She pulled it down in front of her eyes. It was a ball-point pen. "Well in that case, let me respond with a counter offer..."

    She stood up behind the desk, her narrowed eyes taking in the arsenal of guns pointed at her torso. Slowly, her rage infusing the small office with an air of anticipation, she raised the pen in front of her, and clicked the pen. the sharp click as the point came out was the only sound in the room.

    "Get out of my way, or die."

    Mrs Black stared at her for a moment, and said quietly. "Such a shame." She turned to the small army of mooks. "Fire."

    -End of Chapter 2-

    * You've got to admit, "Mrs Black" is an awesome villian name.

    Authors notes: Ooh! Cliffhanger ending! How will our pregnant hero get herself out of this one?

  5. Damn it, I've committed more than a few cardinal sins of writing in the above.

    In my defense, it's a first draft (not that there'll be a second, if we're lucky).

    And remember kids: always proofread, because I didn't!

  6. Venial sins at worst, Quasar. Saying two Hail Shakespeares should cover it.

  7. Quasar -

    sometimes, sins were made to be committed.

    please commit more!!!11111

  8. uggggh yeah i remember that crap... it sounds chain-letter worthy.

    for the record though, some people don't have any pregnancy symptoms at all throughout their pregnancy other than a missed period, baby kicks, and a rotund tummy, and even then there can be random light spotting so women can think that they just had a period when they really didn't. morning sickness returned for me in the third trimester after suffering through it in the first as well, but some people don't have it at all. (grrr lucky bitches)

  9. Thanks guys. It's encouraging to delude myself into thinking not writing stuff like that just for own amusment. :)

    Just to share the mental image, I'm picturing Mrs. Black as Von Pinn (from Girl Genius).

  10. ... except less sympathetic, more evil.

  11. Iktomi;
    i actually KNOW a woman who *didn't know she was pregnant* until she had a false labor at 8 1/2 months.
    she was fairly overweight [and so her doctor? told her that was the ONLY reason she didn't know] and even though she was 22 [i think] when she got pregnant, she'd only ever had *5* periods in her entire life - she had 1 every 14 ish months. she never gained weight, she never had morning sickness, etc, etc.

    so i KNOW you can go months without knowing :) hell, the time i got pregnant, i didn't know i was pregnant until i started dying. [because i have porphyria, and porphyria+pregnancy=death]. sigh.

    Quasar: now i can picture NOTHING ELSE. sheesh :)

    i like your story, much MUCH better, and i simply adore the thought of Our Heroine defeating a force tatamount to an ARMY with a BALL POINT PIN.

    the DEFINITION of a BAMF [mad ass motherfucker] :D

  12. But we already knew that research was not fundies' strong point.

  13. Just a little factual note: If I go to sleep before my eyes have recovered from even a mild cry, they *will* be swollen really badly after 8 hours of sleep. More swollen than they were when I went to sleep, that is. Don't ask me how or why, but that's the way it works in my case. So it is, in fact, completely possible.

    Other than that: Go you!


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Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.