Thursday, May 7, 2009

Date to Save

jesus, dating, christian, religion, bible, crazy,
Hat tip to Beamstalk for tipping me off to this!

While there is the possibility that Date to Save is a Poe, I'm going to approach this as if it isn't, because frankly, it's more fun that way.

Hello, my name is Tamara! As you can probably tell, I'm a Christian woman who loves Jesus Christ and cares for all humans, even the wicked. this is the first paragraph on the main page. how the fuck could i possibly tell that? I'll grant you "woman", since "Tamara" isn't generally a man's name, but the rest? What you probably don't know is that I'm hot. good for you. My picture below isn't really that good. yeah. I want to use my beauty for GOD, and want to encourage Christian women (my sisters in Christ) to do the same, according to the Great Commission. apparently, i missed that part of the bible.

So, I created this web page for information regarding the calling of Missionary Dating. You know what the first thing I thought was, right? you should. honestly, i cannot hear the word "missionary" without having a really graphic fantasy about [censored]. where were we? First of all, it helps that you're good looking. i am? thanks! Romans 12:1 says "to offer your bodies as living sacrifices." ummm . . . Since our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor. 6:19), it makes sense that we should use our beautiful bodies to glorify HIS name, the Holy Spirit will work the strongest since He's in our body, right? frankly, that whole passage was distracting. and possibly sexually explicit. That's the best position to be in! that's what she said!

Not only can we date hot guys (as only hot Christian girls could do what?), but hopefully we can lead them to God and help them get saved them from the burning fires of Hell. O_o I've outlined a few tips to help you get a date off to the right start, step-by-step. is this the leading to a really weird porno? Jesus saves through hooking up with cute heathen guys! jesus hooks up with cute heathen guys? i think i may need to reread the bible.

10 Christian Dating Tips for Effective Missionary [censored] Dating

1. If he tells your that you are hot...Tell him God made you hot. i usually go with "thank you" (the proper way to take any compliment), although "you're hot" is generally a lame compliment. honestly, you can't think of one thing in particular to compliment me on? you can't come up with one interesting adjective?

2. If he wants to hold your hand...Give him a Bible. not hot.

3. If he tries to get closer...Tell him the Holy Spirit is wooing him. this wins non sequitur of the week award.

4. If he asks to pay for dinner...Remind him that Jesus also paid a debt He did not owe! no, this wins non sequitur of the week award.

5. If he reaches his arm around you...Tell him that nobody will ever be as close to you as Jesus is.(or ask him if you instead could "lay hands" on him in prayer) apparently, this guy likes crazy chicks, because if he stuck around through 1, 2, 3 and 4, and then tried to put his arm around you, he's either way into the crazy, or he's planning on dropping a roofie in your drink later.

6. If he tries to kiss you...Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.(and you're not ready to "speak in tongues") first off, really bad pun. secondly, no a kiss did not kill jesus, though that kind of thinking is sure to kill your sex life. a kiss betrayed jesus, crucifixion killed him. (assuming the story is even vaguely true.)

7. If he asks to come inside... O_o Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart. thank you for making me picture the most disgusting sex act imaginable, involving your savior.

8. If he tells you he loves you...Tell him that Jesus loves him. i love the fact that you respond in ways that are only tangentially related to the conversation. it's like the crazy eights of conversation!

9. If he gets angry that you won't put out...Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean "Who would Jesus Do." and then suggest some serious therapy. hello, i'm clearly batshit insane, why would you want to fuck me?

10. After you dump him...Tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake him. because it's dating for christ, not treating other people with dignity and respect for christ. basically little miss hottie's strategy is to break her victims through emotional torture and general insanity and then, when they've finally given up all hope and are reduced to mere shells of their former selves, introduce them to jesus.


  1. Batshit insane might actually be putting this lightly. If this is not a Poe, I'd be shocked, as well as dismayed. Seriously, who the heck would put up with that on a date? I would end that date in 5 minutes. I go (or went i should say) on dates to meet people I'd like to get to know and possibly have a relationship with. Nobody goes on dates because they are totally excited to be preached at.

  2. I do suspect a Poe, but if not, this is just sheer nuttiness.

  3. Yes I thought a Poe also, but damn they are selling their garbage. Who knows anymore.

  4. I want to add the idea of missionary dating is real. It is not usually considered a good thing, not because of how you would treat the person, but because it might change the Christian instead.

  5. Is there a way to find someone who has been "missionary dated" (you would not believe the thoughts that sparks off for me) and ask them about the experience?

  6. Yes I do because I am sure they are similar to my own.

    No clue, there was one atheist blog that came up in the google search of missionary dating. They don't say it happened to them though.

  7. Dammit. Why must you pick sites that are blocked by my company's proxy server? I totally want to get this chick's number.

    I'm pretty sure it will give me a full row in my crazy girl bingo card. And I don't know what other reason there is to spend time with crazy girls if you're not going to try to win crazy girl bingo.

  8. This has to be my favorite "gotta be a Poe" moment:

    Doesn't God look down on missionary dating and tells us to not be "yoked with unbelievers"?
    I looked up yoked, and the dictionary says it's a "A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together." I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date... I think the thing that is more important is that we should use our talents for God. If you're really good at dating, or just really really good looking, then you should use that to bring souls to God.

  9. Did anyone else get the image and voice of Paris Hilton when they read this? I think it was the word "hot" that did it for me.


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