That's how I used to feel about Meanboss. (He's the German Shepards, I'm the cat.)So, there I am listening to him freak the fuck out on Lady Lawyer, practicing being calm. {breathe normally, his anger is not my problem, i am calm} It was working well enough, though I don't have any idea how to control my heart rate*. Then Meanboss smashed the handset of his phone down onto the base so hard the handset shattered- and I had a moment of perfect clarity.
I wasn't afraid, I was annoyed. I felt exactly the same way about his behavior as I do about a small child throwing a temper tantrum. It was absolutely ridiculous that this grown man was acting in a manner I wouldn't accept from a toddler. I wasn't panicking, I was embarrassed for him.
Then I realized something else. Meanboss is nicety nicenicenice in front of clients, which means that he knows this behavior is unacceptable and he is perfectly capable of controlling it. This increased my annoyance. Clearly, I am unworthy of controlled, sane behavior. I am unworthy, in his eyes, of the simple respect of politeness- something I extended to the drunk homeless man who barely missed puking on my shoes Friday night while I waiting for the bus**. ("Would you like a napkin to wipe your mouth?" He did.)
So, we'll see. Meanboss wasn't yelling directly at me, which made achieving perspective easier, but it was definitely a success. I've spent years having panic attacks every time Meanboss twitches, so it was a big success.
Meanboss comes back from his trip today, and his returns are usually worse than his leaving, so we'll see if one success begets more successes.
Calm, I am calm.
*I frequently have episodes of tachycardia anyway, so I'm good at ignoring it.
**Had he actually puked on my shoes, I'm not sure I would have been so polite. I'm not a saint.
