I Guess There's No Avoiding It

[trigger warning: sexual assault]

A university in Georgia, Valdosta State University, has released "tips" for avoiding rape that are so WTF?! inducing, I think it may be satire. Satire in exceedly poor taste, but surely no one is this stupid. Right?. Let's review:

The three main reasons women make easy targets for random acts of violence are:

Lack of awareness (you MUST know where you are & what's going on around you.) Don't ever get lost, ever, for any reason.

Body language (keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up) swing my arms?

Wrong place, wrong time (DON'T be walking alone in an alley, or driving in a bad neighborhood at night) don't leave the house ever, for any reason. you may end up lost or alone. women have no reason to go anywhere anyway, what are you thinking?!

Always take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone.) actually not the alone part that is the problem, but if you decide to walk a flight of stairs instead of wait for the elevator, it's your own damn fault!

Do not get on an elevator if your instincts tell you that something is wrong (Remember, bad men don't always look bad). fear all men!

Do not stand back in the corners of the elevator, be near the front, by the doors, ready to get off. because rapists can't touch you if you're within 18" of the door. trufax.

If you get on the elevator on the 25th floor, and the Boogie Man gets on the 22nd, get off when he gets on. well, hell yeah, if the monster from my childhood nightmares gets on the elevator I am definitely getting off, but i thought bad men don't always look bad. pick one.

If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS run! if the "predator" has a gun, i would say I am, by definition, under his control.

POLICE well known to be the greatest marksmen on the planet only make 4 of 10 shots when they are in range of 3-9 feet. This is due to stress. well, since sociopaths don't experience stress, maybe we need a new hiring policy at the police.

The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN! define "vital", asshole. I'm fairly certain I don't have a torso mostly filled with packing peanuts, so i'm guessing any gunshot anywhere is potentially very dangerous.

Women are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT, it may get you raped, or killed. it's your fault for always being so nice. and having a vagina, but i suppose you can't do anything about that.

REACT IMMEDIATELY: If he abducts you in a parking lot, and is taking you to an abandoned area, DON'T LET HIM GET YOU TO THAT AREA. * If you are driving, react immediately in the situation, and crash your car while still going 5 MPH. * sure. i'll drive into a wall going 5mph. at that speed, it'll totally kill him, but leave me free to run away. If he's driving, find the right time, and stick your fingers in his eyes. when is the right time for that? plus, i'm a little over 5', with accompanying arm length, so how am i supposed to pull that off? any attempt would result in me flailing a hand in his face, nothing more. i am not a master of jijitsu. He must watch the road, so choose an unsuspecting time, and gouge him. It maybe your ONLY defense. While he is in shock, GET OUT. (This sounds gross, but the alternative is your fault if you do not act.)

RESIST: don't go along with him: run, if you are able: Yell statements Help me," "Rape," or "I don't know this man." * You DO NOT want to get to crime scene # 2. DON'T EVER GIVE UP! so i should attack when my GPS announces "crime scene, 0.2 miles ahead"?

GET A CELL PHONE.
There are packages for $19.95 a month that allow you to program only 911 or 5555 (The VSU Emergency Number) into the dialing out program (this is for parents who say it is too expensive for their kids to have a cell phone.) if you're too poor for a cell phone, you deserve to be raped. "excuse me, Mr. Rapist, I just need to dial 9-1- hey, gimme back my phone!"

BREAKDOWNS: (avoid this by ALWAYS keeping your car in good working order how many times will they say that poor women deserve to be raped?)

If your car breaks down, you better have a cell phone to call for help, and lock your doors.

Keep a blanket, and a pair of warm clothes and boots, and a flashlight in your car always for emergencies. boots scare off rapists?

If you don't have a cell phone, shame on you at least one more time, apparently.

If it's noon on a business day, you MAY want to put your hazards on and walk to safety. If it's 2 a.m. and you're close to a populated and well lighted area, go there ASAP. Otherwise, your best bet is to stay in your vehicle. why do women keep leaving their houses? will they never learn?

If you are walking alone in the dark (which you shouldn't be stop. leaving. the. kitchen. bitches.) and you find him following/chasing you:

Try to get to a lighted area, preferably a populated area.

If he's following you, cross the street. like witches and running water, rapists are stymied by streets. If he follows you, turn around and look at him. He will know that he can now be identified and that he has lost the element of surprise.

If he chases you, yell for help and run! my word, run if i am being chased? that's amazing! Too bad I literally cannot manage more than a quick, limping walk.

Find an obstacle, such as a parked car, and run around it, like ring around the rosy. This may sound silly, but statistical data shows that this has SAVED LIVES. statistical data gleaned from Warner Bros. cartoons?

Never let yourself or anyone that you know be a in any type of business (bar, store, restaurant, gas station). I think they mean "an employee". maybe they mean "go into any establishment without male accompaniment. you know, like Saudi Arabia.

Sign up for VSU R.A.D. course. It's a self-defense course for ladies. do you have a self defense course for me?