Back Away From the Keyboard, Ma'am

I don't often get outraged. It's just not something I do. It takes a lot of energy for one thing, and I like to save mine for fun stuff, and I have a bizarre sense of humor, so you're more likely to amuse me than outrage me. So, maybe I just don't understand this post because I have an abnormally low sense of outrage. (Like a low WBC count or something.) Or, maybe some people need to back away from the keyboard and take a few Xanax before their heads explode.

The backstory to this is, and honestly I don't even know if this is true, because I don't really care, is that on passports, parents will be listed as "Parent 1" and "Parent 2"* rather than "mother" and "father". Now see if you can reconcile this minor wording change with the vitriole it engenders:

I'm outraged by this. I am not either "parent one" or "parent two" to my beautiful daughters. I AM THEIR MOTHER. And I have the legal right to be recognized as such by every national, state, and local agency that ever has the authority to collect any such information from me.

I'm actually not sure you have a defined legal right to have agencies refer to you as "mother". I actually asked my boss. He laughed, shook his head and walked away. I did a quick check in the Constitution. Nothing there.

Anyway, wtf do you care? Does this person think that, due to a wording change on an official document, our entire society is going to stop using the word "mother"? Does she think motherhood itself will disappear and possibly also her children?

Look, here's reality. We're living in it, whether you like it or not. (Frequently, I do not.) There are people raising children who do not fall into the role of mother and father. Hey, I was one of them for years. My husband and I raised my niece for a number of years**. We were not "mother" and "father". We were parental figures, to be sure, just not mother and father. But that's not what our friend is so outraged about. Can you guess what it is she so outraged by?

If two gay men are raising one or the other's biological child or a child they've adopted, or a child they paid a reproductive prostitute to manufacture for them, they can call themselves the child's "fathers," plural, until the cows come home. The child still has one father. And if two lesbians are raising a child as stated above, they can also insist on being "Mommy One" and "Mommy Two" to the poor child they are raising. The child has one mother--either one of them, or a woman who gave the baby up for adoption, or a reproductive prostitute who was paid to manufacture a child for them. No human being on the planet has more than one actual father and one actual mother; no human being has ever been born as the result of the genetic combination of two sperm cells or two egg cells.

Ah, Teh Gai. Feel the Christian love, so indistinguishable from hate. Watch as it drips down your screen like maggots from a bloated corpse. Luffly, isn't it? Here's the thing: I could buy her argument that adoptive gay parents are not mothers and/or fathers, except that I guarantee you she would say no such things about heterosexual adoptive parents, who are also, technically, not mothers and/or fathers to their children. Adoptive heterosexuals are mothers and/or fathers, adoptive homosexuals are not.

And god(s) forbid anyone mistake her for a gay person, which, in her bizarre world, could possibly happen with the new Parent 1 and Parent 2 designations. I have a suggestion, oh hateful one: carry around pictures of your children emerging from your vagina, as well as a picture of you and your husband having sex. Show them to everyone who sees these passports so they do not mistake your for a homosexual person. Have "I am not a faggot" tattooed on your forehead so the rest of us, who have no reason to see your childrens' passports, will know as well. Quite frankly, I would appreciate knowing exactly who to stay the hell away from.

*Who did not immediately think of Thing 1 and Thing 2? I want to be Parent 1 or Parent 2 and I want my passport photo to clearly show the special sweater I will buy for just that occasion. See, I'm amused, not outraged.

**Proudest Parent 2 moment: my niece texted me during the Eagles game yesterday (yes, I am still weeping bitterly) to beg me to update her on the game because her mother had changed the channel. I love that kid.

I Have a Vagina- There Is Some Maintenance Involved

vagina, schick, bush, catholic, outrage

In case anyone missed it, I have a vagina. And labia. And a clitoris. And pubic hair. But not an appendix.

I prefer to keep my pubic hair trimmed down, though not entirely shaved. I like the way it looks, I like the way it feels, and since it's my body, I can do what I want with it. What anyone else chooses to do with their pubic hair (male of female) is entirely up to them. I can understand not wanting to discuss your own, or other people's, pubic hair, but we all have pubic hair. There's nothing dirty or vulgar about pubic hair, any more than there is something dirty or vulgar about toenails or eyelashes.

Unless you're Patrick Archbold and a group of Catholic commentors, in which case a harmless Schick ad (above) is the END OF THE WORLD. If you can't view the ad, women walk by topiaries, and as they walk by, the topiaries go from overgrown to neatly trimmed in a variety of shapes. It's not the slightest bit vulgar, and I can't believe a child would have a clue what that was about. I really can't imagine a less offensive way to promote a product designed to be used to trim pubic hair. (A product I now want, because I gotta tell you, sharp scissors have their risks.)

The UK ad is a little more suggestive, though I wouldn't consider it vulgar, and no resident of the UK would, either. (They're a little more . . . open across the Atlantic.)

Patrick, however, is left boggled.

The US version of the ad, while slightly less explicit is in the same vain. I saw this ad during prime time on a cable channel. It boggles the mind how any network would accept an ad like this during prime time, or any time for that matter. This one is called "Bushes."

Women are obviously the target audience for these vulgar and disgusting ads. I highly recommend that if you are currently a Schick customer that you immediately cease purchasing their products and that you let them know why. Ads like this have no place on television. If you see one of these ads, I also suggest that you contact the network responsible and complain.

Women, and their dirty, nasty vaginas, are the target audience! Their dirty, disgusting, filthy vaginas that should never be seen or thought of. Ever!

Oh, and in the same vein.

Patty-kins channels me in the first comment: Ewwwww. Just the suggestion of those icky women's naughty parts! Yucky! Now I'll never be able to pretend my wife is the highschool quarterback tonight.

NC Sue overuses the sarcastiquotes: Our "culture" isn't very cultural at all, but crude. Yes, the ads are offensive, and yes, I will steer clear of Schick. For one thing, if it's a quality product, it can be sold without resorting to ads like this. For another, I'm simply tired of vulgarity. And finally, as you say, ads like this have absolutely NO place on prime time. Nor does nasty language or thinly veiled sex on our sitcome.

Susan doesn't use that razor. That particular razor.: This just reaffirms my decision to not have TV service. And I'm glad I don't use that razor.

Scott W apparently knows the location of the mouth of Hell: Solution to television crassness:

1. Unplug TV.

2. Load TV into suitable vehicular conveyance. a fucking car, dude?

3. Drive to mouth of Hell.

4. Drop TV in it.

5. Never look back.

Maurisa may be suffering from swine flu (because there's nothing nauseating about topiary): Ewww! I actually may not have caught onto the American version of the ad until seeing the British one. Makes my stomach churn.

Arthur may have missed the point (especially considering where cute little babies come from): We're not allowed to get pro-life ads showing cute little babies on television but they can put ads on about trimming their nether regions into heart shapes? not to belabor the point, but how on earth could i trim my labia into a heart shape? you trim the hair, dude, not the region.

I understand that some people will be offended by anything, but I would like to point out that all women have vaginas, labias and pubic hair. There is nothing offensive, vulgar or disgusting about women's (or men's) bodies, nor in the upkeep of said bodies. Morons.