Privilege Displays in 140 Characters or Less

Even David Bowie is at a loss to describe your fail.

The world had better hope I don't take it over right after reading stuff like this, because that's not going to end well for anyone.

@RealKidPoker: I'd be the WORST at Price is Right! Brought 20k to buy a monitor, it was $350. @MandaLeatherman can vouch for how clueless I am with prices

.

Wow. It must be awesome to have so much money laying around that you bring $20,000- cash, apparently- to buy a fucking monitor. Here, let me show you my superpower: Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix is $0.44/box at Walmart, $0.48/box at Redners and $0.50/box at Redners. I didn't look up those prices, I just know that. I know, to the penny, what everything costs at every store in the area because I have to. Fucking douchebag.

@babesmcphee: OMG i was saying how i couldn't afford the gas to fly daddy's jet to the riviera this summer, and this barista totally rolled her eyes at me.

That better be a joke, or I'm going to have pin a prize on the barrista for not jumping over the counter and pummeling this woman. If it's not a joke, what do you want to bet she tipped her a nickel?

@tonywright: I wish I had a USB port in my head. Then I could download and transfer knowledge to others so they could actually converse with me.

Pretentious, party of this guy.

@brettschulte: I gave my cleaning lady a raise today, even though she didn't ask, as my own little contribution to fighting the recession.

On the one hand, can you pay the person who has access to your toothbrush and your toilet enough? Probably not. On the other, "cleaning ladies" are generally poor, because why else would you clean someone else's toilet, so this guy is doing exactly what the government can't figure out: putting money into the hands of people who need to spend it. So, it's a wash on how I feel about this.

@joshuabaer: fan belt light came on in the 911 so now I'm driving the Cayenne Turbo S - the backup, backup car. Trying not to think about the Tesla...

So . . . your penis is -1" long?

@denisejoyce: How do you write thank-yous for off-registry wedding gifts? "Thank you for adding something else to my to-do list" doesn't seem polite.

Well, now I know what to do to both appear polite and be obnoxious at the same time the next time someone invites me to some 3 day wedding extravaganza. Someone who makes 100x what I do, has owned their own home for 5 years and yet had 3 different wedding registries. I'm a little bitter.

@SonaliT: Watching a LOT of fashion mistakes go past whilst waiting for the bus. This is why I don't use public transport.

I'm so sorry my lack of fabulous wealth does not please you, can you ever forgive me?

@ozskier: Great, now any douchebag with 199 can say they have a MacBook Pro. Not backing this.

Find another status symbol, asshole.

@labur: All I want is just one day a year when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties.

We're so sorry. You just tell us what day that is this year and we'll all stay home.

@ughman: A woman ordered a breakfast sandwich with sausage and bacon, while I had a whole-grain blueberry muffin. Am I justified in feeling superior?

No, no you are not.

@suzannegolden9: We WALKED to the grocery store this morning. We are ADORABLE. And green.

Oh, I'm ADORABLE and green? I thought I was just poor. Silly me.

@seanochoa: Is it strange to think that I was called by God to point my co-workers to the Hope and Love of Jesus Christ in this uncertain time?

Yes, yes it is.

@jc: Ladies, if you tell me your favorite restaurant is a franchise, we're probably not going to get along.

Yeah, well, I figured we probably weren't getting along anyway. Note: On my budget, Olive Garden is awesomely fancy.

@ezrabutler: Omg. They tried to give me a cappuccino in a paper cup. I could die.

Is there some other way to get a cappuccino? I has confusion.

@davidrankin: When I visit people's houses for the first time, I examine their bookshelves when they go to the bathroom. I'm rarely impressed.

You know what that reminds me of? The episode of MTV Cribs wherein Moby said the same thing about other celebrities' homes and claimed not to own a mirror. Moby shaves his head, but he doesn't own a mirror? This was followed by Moby showing off at least $1,000,000 worth of recording/music gear. Mmm-hmm.

And for the ultimate in twitter etiquette:

@labeet: Keep forgetting to say hello to all new followers. If I'm not following back it's because I found your stream uninspiring - at best.

Reminding us all that "unfollow" is as easy to click as "follow".

At Least They're Honest About Their Hatred of the Consumer

So, I had a little Christmas money yesterday, and some seriously ragged hair, so I thought, "well, how much training or talent does someone need to trim 1/2" off the ends, anyway?" As it turns out, not much, the haircut went fine, but what led up to the haircut makes me think naked capitalism isn't always a good thing.

This was one of those low end strip mall hairstyling chains people work at for the first year or two out of beauty school. They have names like . . . Awesome Eddies, shall we say. A shampoo, haircut and blowdry is $17.99. (Keeping in mind that they have to wash your hair because it's easier to cut hair wet and whatever leftover styling gunk you had in your hair would dull their scissors, but whatever.)

Yesterday, December 26, in Pennsylvania, the receptionist asks me if I want the $9.99 special. Hey, I like saving money as much as the next person so I ask what the $9.99 special is. A wash and haircut. No blowdry. In December. In Pennsylvania. It was 22F (-5.6C) without the wind chill. Yeah, I'll be happy to pay $8 for you to blow dry my hair.

Seriously, I can see this as an option in the summer, though not for my supreme frizziness, but midwinter? That's like prefacing surgery by asking someone if they'd like to save $500 by not having the wound sewn shut. It's like some sort of evil marketing ploy to make me beg the hairstylist to charge me an outrageous sum of money for 5 minutes of blow dryer time.

No, wait, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it is.

No Female Atheist Leaders- What Am I Doing Then?

Okay, I don't consider myself the equal in fame and fortune to Hitchens and Dawkins, but I'm . . . um, prolific. And an atheist. And a woman. I have 90 91 followers*, that's got to count for something. And I'm on twitter!

But no, according to Ms., the atheist "movement" is sexist, you see. PZ Myers is a man, and therefore . . . misogyny! He engages women equally and is as in your face about feminism as he is about atheism, but . . . misogyny! He also actually thought about this for longer than the Ms. writer did:

The New Atheism is really dominated right now by senior academic types, which means that we are the lucky survivors of the old all-pervasive sexism that we're seeing so well-represented in the senior cohort now, but it's shifting, have no fear — the next generation is going to be where the women in charge, as I can see by looking at the younger faces behind this movement now.

Well, duh. Atheism has always been dominated by scientists and philosophers, and academia has always been dominated by men. It's the patriarchy, stupid. But don't count me out. And don't count out our sisters on my blogroll, proud women all. We stand to be counted, we encourage others with our words, we are atheists and we are leading the way. And Ms. of all people shouldn't be ignoring our contribution to the movement. Atheists sure don't.

*Thank you, 91!

God Told You What?

It's really too bad you can't see me going through my google reader. I'm sure it's quite entertaining, as I mutter and curse, throw my hands up in the air, smack a fist into a palm, slap the desk, and, occasionally, tilt my head to that quizzical angle dogs use when they're politely trying to indicate they don't actually speak any language, just give them the bacon.

This "explanation" of being a Mormon left me wordlessly tilting my head to the right, as if 25˚ to the right would make the following words understandable to me.

I have a new baby now. A girl. She came out of me layered in softness. I breastfed her religiously until one day I had a revelation that I was supposed to move her to the bottle. Not a bottle with breast milk, my breast milk, but a bottle of formula. I fought with this revelation for weeks. I prayed, I debated, I went to the temple. I ignored the whole idea until one day I was at Costco deciding which container of powdered formula to buy. That was the day I decided that God loves formula. I watched as the expectations I had known about me as a mother shatter and fall to the floor on the baby aisle at Costco.

What? In what way does that make sense? Why would god, presumably the same guy that gave you breasts that make milk just for your baby, tell you to buy formula at Costco?* Does god have stock in Costco?

I thought at first that she was having trouble breastfeeding (it can become very painful), or was just tired of breastfeeding (a little person on your body all the time, it happens) and looked to god to support her decision, but, if she is a reliable narrator, she did not want to formula feed, she wanted to breastfeed. God told her no. In Costco.

Even if I were willing to believe that god direct dialed your brain in the formula aisle at Costco**, why doesn't god give parenting advice to people who actually need it? Why doesn't god tell people who beat their children to stop? Why doesn't god tell people who starve their children to buy some damn food? God wants your baby to have formula instead of breastmilk, and it was so important you couldn't disobey, but god doesn't care at all about children being beaten, starved, raped and killed?

What makes you so fucking important?

*This is not an indictment of people who feed their babies formula. I support, fully, whatever decision you make regarding the feeding of your child.

**I'm not.