Traditional Gender Roles and You

asshat, tradition, traditional, feminism, feminist, masculine, masculinity, prop 8, byron, greek, conservative, stupid,
This made me stop and stare. Apparently, defining masculinity by the example of Tim "the Toolman" Taylor is still popular in some circles. (Apparently, we need to revise the Feminist Agenda, because it's not working. Please send your suggestions via email to your local Secret Feminist Council prior to March 3, 2009. All submissions must be properly formatted, according to Paragraph 135, subsections a-j.)

In the interests of full disclosure, my marriage works thusly (and works quite well, thank you very much): me: cleaning, laundry, baking, repairs; hubby: cooking, dog walking, heavy lifting, decorating. Hubby is helpless with a hammer, I would end up with the kind of living room you call HGTV to save you from.

Based on my love of home repair, video games and football, am I not a woman? What about my hubby? He loves video games and football, but he's a great decorator, enjoys cooking and asks directions- is he less of a man?

In case you're having trouble with this one- no. I am a woman, my hubby is a man. It's silly to suppose that simply because we have the freedom to reject traditional gender roles that I am not feminine and my husband is not masculine. (By the way, if a smart, strong, capable woman makes you feel like less of a man- the problem is you, not her.)

From our friend who abuses the corpses of ancient Greeks:

I woke up this morning marveling at the decline of the masculine ideal in our country. wow. really? i wake up confused as to what planet i'm on. though, apparently, so does he. I'm an average kind of guy. a manly manly kind of guy. look how manly he is. so very manly. i bet his penis is SO HUGE! (just as a clue, the more you tell women how manly you are, the smaller she assumes your penis is. unless she's 18 and very naive. which probably explains why some people are all about the virgins.) I like shooting really big handguns. penis standins. not just handguns (which i enjoy as well, or did back when i could), REALLY BIG handguns. handguns almost as big as his penis. I watch movies with lots of explosions in them. wow, me, too. Cotton is the only material I'll wear. seriously? you're such a manly man that you check the tags on all garments before you buy them- and you can tell cotton from synthetic at a glance? not a talent i possess. (You could say that wearing Levi's is in my jeans. that was clever, like 50 years ago.) I grunt when? and burp everyone does and scratch at awkward times and in awkward places. so now i have the very unfortunate picture of Mr. MYDICKISSOOOOOOBIG scratching his balls in church at a funeral. thanks. I like spicy food. so do millions of people, male and female. I never ask for directions when I'm with my wife (gotta keep up the image) so rudeness makes your dick bigger? really, this poor woman is forced to follow you in willful lostness for no good reason? get a GPS. You know - man things. not one of those things are man things. some of them are rude, and a couple are just gross, but none of these things will make you a man. (don't try this at home boys!) And yet, there isn't any place in this country for men. yeah, you can take your grunting and ball scratching at church someplace else. Here's what I mean:

Have you noticed that men's voices are getting higher pitched? no, i have not. i tried to find research on this, and couldn't. so, SHOW YOUR WORK. (Women's voices are getting lower pitched, by the way - a reverse effect. again, show your work. i will say this: my hubby's voice is so low that he has to deliberately pitch it up when talking on the phone, or the phone won't pick up the sound. phones have a very limited range.) Johnny Cash, with his deep and resonant Man Voice you know, i never thought Cash had a small penis. has been replaced by the likes of Clay Aiken. apparently, Mr. Reallybigdick forgot about the 50s, during which male singers with very high voices were quite popular. Shia LeBeouf's that is a mispelling, it is LaBeouf voice is about an octave higher than Harrison Ford's. and that proves what? Harrison Ford and Mark Hammil were in Star Wars together, and Mark Hammil's voice is at least an octave higher than Harrison Ford's.

Metrosexuals are "in." nope, metrosexuals are back out. retrosexuals are in. get with the times, dude. It's the latest thing to show off how sensitive you are as a man by dressing in Abercrombie "rugged" wear and having your long-fought for chest hair mercilessly yanked out with wax. either you grow chest hair, or you don't, nobody fights for chest hair. (What some call the lost-wax process, but what I call stupidly painful. actually, i agree on that. waxing is amazingly painful. though, waxing your chest cannot have anything on waxing your genitals.) Metros would rather work more on their hair and spray tan than work for a living. really? what proof do you have of that? most metros I have known were young men with careers. And would they go to a sports bar to actually watch the sports? Pu-leeeez! yeesh. i go to sports bars to watch sports. does that make me a guy?

The other day, I sat down with a group of men (in one of our secret Man Meetings but do you have an agenda?) and we got in a discussion about our wives bad form, that. Inevitably, one of the men mentioned that his secret to getting along with his wife was in two little words, "Yes dear." Another joined in: "The secret to a happy marriage is to decide what you want to do, then do exactly as she says." first of all, i'm guessing these guys were joking. the secret to a long lasting relationship is (a) compromise or (b) marry someone whose self esteem is so low, they'll cave to your every request. (note that i said "long lasting" not "satisfying".) The discussion was really uncomfortable to me. how can i have a really BIIIIIIG dick if i compromise with my wife? Why? Because, it seems, men can no longer think well of themselves, have a healthy esteem, without resorting to self-deprecation when it comes to women. no, now you're allowed to have self esteem that doesn't involve oppressing the little woman and scratching your balls in church. i suppose you don't have to . . .

So what happened to men and masculinity? wait for it Women obtained equal rights in this country, with voting rights, then gaining equal economic footing with men. vaginas. vaginas ruined men and masculinity. my vagina is a more powerful weapon than any really big handgun. I'm all for equal rights for women. as long as they know their place and don't try to read a map. Women and men must be allowed to participate equally in our economic system - to go as far as talent and drive can take us. at home? women have slightly more input than the dog. However, within the feminist movement, there arose a new definition of woman. Rosie Riveter! Margaret Meade! Hilary Clinton! Feminism highjacked equal rights to recreate the country in the image of the Über-Woman. what does that even mean? (I am Woman, hear me roar. so much louder than before! why is that bad?) What was the result? Hilary Clinton is Secretary of State- oh, wait, this guy probably thinks that's a bad thing. The lie that women are better than men no, we're equal to men, though infinitely better at gestating babies. top that.; women can and should compete on every level with men yes, we can and should; women are in control of their own bodies my vagina, not yours, regardless if there's a baby parked in there or not no uterus, no opinion.; all men are pigs and don't deserve any respect just because you are a pig, don't involve all the other men; if you want something done right, ask woman. depends on what it is and what women and men are available. (Why is the idea that women are better than men a lie, you ask? Because the truth of the matter is that men and women are different from each other. no, really? Neither is "better" than the other. but women shouldn't try to compete with men. that's just wrong. did a woman become department head instead of you, buddy? That men were better was the lie of the old patriarchy. That women are better is the lie of the new feminism. funny, i bet you don't spend a lot of time actually interacting with feminists, or you'd know we don't say that. try feministe. it will be quite . . . informative for you.)

Feminists deprecate men no, we don't. we like men. just not pigmen. and men turn around and fall into the trap of self-deprecation. humility is a virtue, Mr. Reallybigdick. With no respect and no cultural place for men as men i don't see why we need a cultural place for oppressing women and ball scratching in public. (except as the brunt of a joke), men have abdicated their self-respect and have turned into something not quite man, not quite woman. oh, puh-lease. either you're referring to teh gayz, or you're just an asshat. Metrosexuals and homosexuals are created out of this system. Booyah! that's right- homosexuality did not exist until feminism. Lord Byron, anyone? Ancient Greeks, like the one he named himself after? This guy is a history professor, mind you. I do not advocate a return to the old patriarchy where men dominated the world and women were treated as little more than chattel. we just shouldn't compete with you. Respect, honest respect not deranged by feminism out of control vaginas for everyone!, should be the order of the day. In the meantime, I search for others of my kind. ball scratching in private is just too much for you? Men who understand that being a man isn't the Great Evil of the day. That, and someone to go with me to shoot really big handguns and watch movies with lots of explosions in them. that would be me, asshat, if you weren't such an asshat.

Raping Euripides

In case you're not a big fan of the ancient Greeks (makes you the wierdo), Euripides was a Greek playwright who lived in Athens in the 400s BCE. I enjoy Euripides because he portrayed strong, believable female characters (the standard then, as now, was for either shrieking shrewish villainesses or sweet, vacuous nothings) and intelligent slaves. He also enjoyed satirizing the gods.

I find it odd that this asshat would choose Euripides for his nom-du-interwebs, because (a) Euripides was obviously against bigotry, as proven by his portraying women and slaves in a positive light, and (b) Ancient Greeks really enjoyed their homosexuality. I can't decide if asshat wants to impress us with his knowledge of Ancient Greek names, or if he is unaware of the irony. (Call Alanis Morissette, she'll tell you all about it.)

So, we have the Curmudgeon Before My Time Top Ten:

10. is a rant on Hollywood and how the movies suck, blahblahblah (I've watched some very enjoyable movies lately) and then we get this bit of unintentional irony:

also activist actors who think that just because they make a gazillion more dollars than any of the rest of the world, they should express their opinions about fairness, and you have one shining example of Dumb and Dumber.

really, aren't you expressing your opinion right now? aren't I? doesn't everyone have the right to do so, and with the interwebs, the means? hey, you think nobody should be sharing their opinion, i think you should start with you.

9. Microsoft Vista. I agree.

8. Federalized Education. I'm not really sure what that means, but he seems to be raving against the No Child Left Behind Act. I agree.

7. Duplicitous Politicians. (Redundant. Once one says "politician", one need not add "duplicitous".) Oh, wait . . . And by duplicitous, I mean lying. Why yes, that is the definition of "duplicitous". Thanks. Oh, I see, he's pissed that a politician might actually fight to keep a minority's rights from being trampled by the majority will. I'm pretty sure that's the point of politicians. One recent poster child of politicians is Jerry Brown, former governor of California and now the California Attorney General. When Prop 8 passed this past year in California, he at first said he would defend the choice of the people. But on reflection, no doubt mirrored by his desire for reelection, he filed a brief with the California Supreme Court arguing that the Court should not accept the vote of the people. Because, if we allowed these things to go to majority rule, blacks might still be slaves, and women sure wouldn't be voting, but since asshat is no doubt a white male, i'm sure this wouldn't bother him at all.

6. Planned Parenthood = baby killers. Planned Parenthood gives poor women access to basic women's health services (pap smears, etc.) and to BIRTH CONTROL. If you actually want to prevent abortions, you would be interested in preventing unwanted pregnancies. If you aren't, then just admit that you want to punish poor women for being poor and women and get it over with.

5. Keanu Reeves. I like Keanu Reeves. Oh, that's right, he's bi.

4. Reality TV. The reason I rarely watch TV anymore. (No, I don't read, I play video games.)

Admire this gem:

3. The Gay Agenda. THERE.IS.NO.GAY.AGENDA. There is a liberal agenda, and whoever it is who keeps leaving it where conservatives can find it had better stop.

I know. I know. Simply everyone insists that there is no such thing as the gay agenda. yeah, cause there isn't. if you believe or see or hear a thing that nobody else in the world does, it's YOU! get some thorazine.

and now we segue into a completely unrelated story that has nothing to do with gays, agendas, or anything.

Years ago, Steve Martin starred in one of those vacuous Hollywood films I warned you about, entitled The Jerk. (I'm sorry to say that I suffered through about a half hour of it once.) oh, you poor baby! did you watch 1/2 hour of a bad movie? you should sue. The only thing remotely funny in the film was the scene with Steve Martin leaving his family and insisting he didn't need anything. For those of you spared this film, I've quoted it here:
Well I'm gonna to go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this.[picks up an ashtray] And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

here's how asshat attempts to connect the nonexistent gay agenda to an old Steve Martin movie:

Here's the crux of the gay agenda. They insist that all they want is to be left alone. Well, to be left alone and have tax breaks. He means the same tax benefits that married people receive, which gays can't receive, because they can't marry. So, what gays want is EQUALITY. To be left alone, have tax breaks and medical privileges He just used the words "medical privileges" to describe health insurance. married people can share their health insurance with each other. gays can't, because they can't marry. Ever watch someone die because they didn't have insurance? I have. Again, what the gays want is EQUALITY. To be left alone, have tax breaks, medical privileges and be allowed to marry EQUALITY. To be left alone, have tax breaks, medical privileges, be allowed to marry and openly teach gay sex in school nobody wants to teach gay sex in school. we don't currently teach hetero sex in schools. in fact, with the whole abstinence fiasco, we don't teach anything at all about sex in school....This is just like Steve Martin's agenda, only not funny. I didn't particularly find that spiel funny.

2. Gay Pride Parades. After you go off on a spiel about the nonexistent gay agenda, it's unnecessary to inform us that you dislike gay pride parades.

Now, asshat manages to pull off 2/3 of a hat trick and hit two of my hotbuttons:

1. Evangelical Atheists

Disclaimer: I find Richard Dawkins as annoying as everyone else does and I find evangelical atheism a mixed message at best. However, I do not enjoy the comparison between atheists and totalitarian dictators. Once more with feeling: atheism doesn't kill anyone, some atheists do kill, as do some christians, some hindus, some jews, some muslims, and doubtless a few shintos (shintoists?).

These are atheists who just can't leave God alone. actually, they can't leave belief in god alone. you can't annoy the nonexistent. if it turns out that i can, i will give up blogging and dedicate my life to pissing off the easter bunny. Evangelical Atheists live with the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may actually believe in God. no, evangelical atheists have just been pushed a little too far by the rampant bigotry against atheists in this country. admit you're an atheist in public, and get death threats, vandalism and fired. congressman rail against us, ray comfort makes it his life's mission to destroy us all. welcome to being me, asshat. keep your god, like your penis, to yourself. And they are willing to spew the gospel of atheism at the rest of the world as long as they can hide behind the shield of "tolerance." like you spew the gospel of bigotry at the world while hiding behind the shield of the first amendment? Interestingly enough, Evangelical Atheists share a venerable tradition with some of the most notable people of the 20th Century: Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini, Mao Zedong, and Pol Pot. i think the word you're looking for is "notorious". don't rape the english language while you're raping euripides' memory. The only difference is that these five individuals not only preached the gospel of atheism, but they set themselves up as gods in an attempt to replace the one, true God. no, the difference is they were murderous psychopaths who got way too much power for anyone's good. but, if you confuse bigotry with intelligence, i guess that's an easy mistake to make.