Thursday, February 5, 2009

Traditional Gender Roles and You

asshat, tradition, traditional, feminism, feminist, masculine, masculinity, prop 8, byron, greek, conservative, stupid,
This made me stop and stare. Apparently, defining masculinity by the example of Tim "the Toolman" Taylor is still popular in some circles. (Apparently, we need to revise the Feminist Agenda, because it's not working. Please send your suggestions via email to your local Secret Feminist Council prior to March 3, 2009. All submissions must be properly formatted, according to Paragraph 135, subsections a-j.)

In the interests of full disclosure, my marriage works thusly (and works quite well, thank you very much): me: cleaning, laundry, baking, repairs; hubby: cooking, dog walking, heavy lifting, decorating. Hubby is helpless with a hammer, I would end up with the kind of living room you call HGTV to save you from.

Based on my love of home repair, video games and football, am I not a woman? What about my hubby? He loves video games and football, but he's a great decorator, enjoys cooking and asks directions- is he less of a man?

In case you're having trouble with this one- no. I am a woman, my hubby is a man. It's silly to suppose that simply because we have the freedom to reject traditional gender roles that I am not feminine and my husband is not masculine. (By the way, if a smart, strong, capable woman makes you feel like less of a man- the problem is you, not her.)

From our friend who abuses the corpses of ancient Greeks:

I woke up this morning marveling at the decline of the masculine ideal in our country. wow. really? i wake up confused as to what planet i'm on. though, apparently, so does he. I'm an average kind of guy. a manly manly kind of guy. look how manly he is. so very manly. i bet his penis is SO HUGE! (just as a clue, the more you tell women how manly you are, the smaller she assumes your penis is. unless she's 18 and very naive. which probably explains why some people are all about the virgins.) I like shooting really big handguns. penis standins. not just handguns (which i enjoy as well, or did back when i could), REALLY BIG handguns. handguns almost as big as his penis. I watch movies with lots of explosions in them. wow, me, too. Cotton is the only material I'll wear. seriously? you're such a manly man that you check the tags on all garments before you buy them- and you can tell cotton from synthetic at a glance? not a talent i possess. (You could say that wearing Levi's is in my jeans. that was clever, like 50 years ago.) I grunt when? and burp everyone does and scratch at awkward times and in awkward places. so now i have the very unfortunate picture of Mr. MYDICKISSOOOOOOBIG scratching his balls in church at a funeral. thanks. I like spicy food. so do millions of people, male and female. I never ask for directions when I'm with my wife (gotta keep up the image) so rudeness makes your dick bigger? really, this poor woman is forced to follow you in willful lostness for no good reason? get a GPS. You know - man things. not one of those things are man things. some of them are rude, and a couple are just gross, but none of these things will make you a man. (don't try this at home boys!) And yet, there isn't any place in this country for men. yeah, you can take your grunting and ball scratching at church someplace else. Here's what I mean:

Have you noticed that men's voices are getting higher pitched? no, i have not. i tried to find research on this, and couldn't. so, SHOW YOUR WORK. (Women's voices are getting lower pitched, by the way - a reverse effect. again, show your work. i will say this: my hubby's voice is so low that he has to deliberately pitch it up when talking on the phone, or the phone won't pick up the sound. phones have a very limited range.) Johnny Cash, with his deep and resonant Man Voice you know, i never thought Cash had a small penis. has been replaced by the likes of Clay Aiken. apparently, Mr. Reallybigdick forgot about the 50s, during which male singers with very high voices were quite popular. Shia LeBeouf's that is a mispelling, it is LaBeouf voice is about an octave higher than Harrison Ford's. and that proves what? Harrison Ford and Mark Hammil were in Star Wars together, and Mark Hammil's voice is at least an octave higher than Harrison Ford's.

Metrosexuals are "in." nope, metrosexuals are back out. retrosexuals are in. get with the times, dude. It's the latest thing to show off how sensitive you are as a man by dressing in Abercrombie "rugged" wear and having your long-fought for chest hair mercilessly yanked out with wax. either you grow chest hair, or you don't, nobody fights for chest hair. (What some call the lost-wax process, but what I call stupidly painful. actually, i agree on that. waxing is amazingly painful. though, waxing your chest cannot have anything on waxing your genitals.) Metros would rather work more on their hair and spray tan than work for a living. really? what proof do you have of that? most metros I have known were young men with careers. And would they go to a sports bar to actually watch the sports? Pu-leeeez! yeesh. i go to sports bars to watch sports. does that make me a guy?

The other day, I sat down with a group of men (in one of our secret Man Meetings but do you have an agenda?) and we got in a discussion about our wives bad form, that. Inevitably, one of the men mentioned that his secret to getting along with his wife was in two little words, "Yes dear." Another joined in: "The secret to a happy marriage is to decide what you want to do, then do exactly as she says." first of all, i'm guessing these guys were joking. the secret to a long lasting relationship is (a) compromise or (b) marry someone whose self esteem is so low, they'll cave to your every request. (note that i said "long lasting" not "satisfying".) The discussion was really uncomfortable to me. how can i have a really BIIIIIIG dick if i compromise with my wife? Why? Because, it seems, men can no longer think well of themselves, have a healthy esteem, without resorting to self-deprecation when it comes to women. no, now you're allowed to have self esteem that doesn't involve oppressing the little woman and scratching your balls in church. i suppose you don't have to . . .

So what happened to men and masculinity? wait for it Women obtained equal rights in this country, with voting rights, then gaining equal economic footing with men. vaginas. vaginas ruined men and masculinity. my vagina is a more powerful weapon than any really big handgun. I'm all for equal rights for women. as long as they know their place and don't try to read a map. Women and men must be allowed to participate equally in our economic system - to go as far as talent and drive can take us. at home? women have slightly more input than the dog. However, within the feminist movement, there arose a new definition of woman. Rosie Riveter! Margaret Meade! Hilary Clinton! Feminism highjacked equal rights to recreate the country in the image of the Über-Woman. what does that even mean? (I am Woman, hear me roar. so much louder than before! why is that bad?) What was the result? Hilary Clinton is Secretary of State- oh, wait, this guy probably thinks that's a bad thing. The lie that women are better than men no, we're equal to men, though infinitely better at gestating babies. top that.; women can and should compete on every level with men yes, we can and should; women are in control of their own bodies my vagina, not yours, regardless if there's a baby parked in there or not no uterus, no opinion.; all men are pigs and don't deserve any respect just because you are a pig, don't involve all the other men; if you want something done right, ask woman. depends on what it is and what women and men are available. (Why is the idea that women are better than men a lie, you ask? Because the truth of the matter is that men and women are different from each other. no, really? Neither is "better" than the other. but women shouldn't try to compete with men. that's just wrong. did a woman become department head instead of you, buddy? That men were better was the lie of the old patriarchy. That women are better is the lie of the new feminism. funny, i bet you don't spend a lot of time actually interacting with feminists, or you'd know we don't say that. try feministe. it will be quite . . . informative for you.)

Feminists deprecate men no, we don't. we like men. just not pigmen. and men turn around and fall into the trap of self-deprecation. humility is a virtue, Mr. Reallybigdick. With no respect and no cultural place for men as men i don't see why we need a cultural place for oppressing women and ball scratching in public. (except as the brunt of a joke), men have abdicated their self-respect and have turned into something not quite man, not quite woman. oh, puh-lease. either you're referring to teh gayz, or you're just an asshat. Metrosexuals and homosexuals are created out of this system. Booyah! that's right- homosexuality did not exist until feminism. Lord Byron, anyone? Ancient Greeks, like the one he named himself after? This guy is a history professor, mind you. I do not advocate a return to the old patriarchy where men dominated the world and women were treated as little more than chattel. we just shouldn't compete with you. Respect, honest respect not deranged by feminism out of control vaginas for everyone!, should be the order of the day. In the meantime, I search for others of my kind. ball scratching in private is just too much for you? Men who understand that being a man isn't the Great Evil of the day. That, and someone to go with me to shoot really big handguns and watch movies with lots of explosions in them. that would be me, asshat, if you weren't such an asshat.


  1. I know that it doesn't accomplish anything, but I still had to post this:

    " define a man someone who likes to "shoot really big handguns and watch movies with lots of explosions in them," and yet you claim that it's the feminists who deprecate men? You're a joke."

  2. Oh, I love you!

    That was pretty much my feeling on it. Hey, if strong, capable, independent women make you uncomfortable, the problem is not with the women.

    I especially loved the theory that homosexuality is caused by feminism. Homosexuality is mentioned in in the bible, does this HISTORY PROFESSOR think that the tribes of the ancient Israelites were filled with feminists? Seriously?


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