Vaginal Metaphors- Criticism and Review*

[trigger warning: rape after "The Match". Please enjoy this delightful otter instead]

I'm a fan of similes and metaphors. I use them all the time. It's my thing. Unfortunately, similes and metaphors can be a bit like using a rocket launcher in an enclosed space, it'll get the job done, but you're going down, too. And you'll forever be remembered as that idiot who used a rocket launcher in a bathroom.

Today, I'm addressing metaphors for virginity preservation. They are legion, and they are, to a one, Teh Stoopid.

The Present

Your vagina is a present and no one wants a regifted present. Any sexual activity, including kissing, is like unwrapping the present. You can't ever get that wrapping paper to look as nice again.

First of all, I'm sure a collector of first edition books would be thrilled to get a book somebody else owned. Secondly, people are not objects and your breasts feel the same no matter how many people have touched them.

Thirdly, this displays a rather appalling lack of manners. Sure, I like wrapping presents and I like unwrapping presents, but wrapping is only there to give you an extra moment of "oooh, what could this be?" If someone hands me an unwrapped gift, I receive it with no less enthusiasm, and anyone who does deserves an angry badger stuffed down their pants.

Really, I wonder if these people realize they are implying that first time sex is the only sex worth having. I mean, even if you're married, that gift is unwrapped. It's pointless and unspecial now.

*****TMI ALERT******

You're about to learn something about me you may not wish to know.

*****TMI ALERT******

First time sex is never the best sex, and I'm not even talking about virginal sex, which tends to be awkward, embarrassing and involves a lot of "oh, sorry about that". For example, I've read enough erotica to know nipples are supposed to be where it's at. Maybe I'm a freak of nature, but my nipples aren't that sensitive. You know what is? My collarbones. You know how I found that out? (It's not like touching my own collarbones does anything for me, though I can tickle myself.) By making out with a guy who had a thing for chomping on collarbones. If not for that dear, dear man, I may never have known that.

And that's why first time sex is never the best sex. It takes time and experience to figure out what works for you. Sex is like a book printed 200 years ago: it's only getting better with time.

The Cow

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because women aren't farm animals and sex is not the point of marriage, or it shouldn't be, anyway. I'm sure that might work out for a few months, but eventually you'll have to talk to one another. You might want to have something in common other than a raging libido. Just a thought.

The Cookie

This is a favorite of Mormons. A group of children are asked if they would like a cookie. Being children, they agree enthusiastically. Then a plate of crumbled, soggy cookies is brought out and those children are told that if they have sex, they're like those cookies- inedible. I'm not sure why anyone would wish to be attractive to cannibals, but whatever.

The vagina is not a cookie. The penis is not a cookie. They do not get worn out or crumbly or soggy or loose. Breasts do not develop permanent hand prints if touched too much. Neither do asses. Even if they did, why would having lots of sex with one person be different in that matter from having lots of sex with lots of different people? C'mon now.

The Match

This applies to making out before marriage, but may be the most disturbing of them all. Why light a match if you don't intend to start a fire? (To light a candle, to provide a brief moment of light, to light fireworks?) Why make out if you don't intend to have sex?

If you think about this for more than 5 seconds, you realize how very steeped in the rape culture this analogy is. Think about this for 10 seconds and it gets frightening. Kissing leads to touching and touching leads to sex, so don't kiss anyone if you don't intend to fuck them right there on the spot. All kissing must lead to sex. All kissing, touching, making out is only a prelude to sex, so don't start anything you don't intend to finish.

Look, I know you said "no" when he ripped off your pants, but you were kissing him. You let him touch your breasts. Why would you light a match if you don't intend to start a fire? Slut.

Yeah, that got rapey right quick, didn't it? That's because obsession with virginity is all part of the rape culture. The one you're living in right now. Cows and presents and cookies? Those are all devices of the rape culture, too. Just so you know.

*Someday, I'm going to get a PhD. This will be the title of my thesis.

A Woman Is Only as Praiseworthy as Her Uterus

Apparently, a youtube video poking fun at some of the cliches surrounding pregnant women in American culture is causing a stir. (A youtube video causing a stir? You don't say!) Anyone who doesn't think pregnant women can get a bit smugtacular apparently has really awesome family, friends and acquaintances, because the next person who tells me I'll never know what love is until I have a child is getting hit with a chair.

Let's be honest about something here. I get it. Having children is awesome and I support your decision to do so. I get that you're uncomfortable and experiencing a certain level of risk in pregnancy, and I respect that. If you're happy about it, I am thrilled for you. If you want to complain to me about nausea and constipation and back pain, I am all ears. However, you are doing what almost every mammal on the planet does on a regular basis, and what humans have been doing for millions of years. Try for a little perspective on this, okay?

Not this perspective, however.

The song resonates because some of us are just plain jealous, says Georgia Witkin, a New York psychiatrist and obstetrician.

"A lot of people who aren't pregnant have some pregnancy envy," she says. She treats a lot of women at her fertility clinic, Reproductive Medicine Associates of New York, who desperately want children but can't reproduce.

What? If I don't treat pregnant women with the same reverance and amazement I would . . . really, no one . . . it's cuz Ai Haz Da Jellusy? Really? News flash, those kids in middle school weren't jealous of you, either.

This perspective takes it to a whole new level of Things That Make Me Stabby:

Yet, among the chorus of "so true," some worry that poking fun of a proud pregnant woman will discourage expectant moms from revelling in the extra attention they deserve.

"Deserve"? For what? Doing something almost every mammal on the planet can and does do on a regular basis? They're not curing cancer or ending poverty.

Women only get that kind of limelight while pregnant, so by all means let them enjoy it, says Andrea O'Reilly, founder of the Association for Research on Mothering at Toronto's York University. Teasing mothers who bask in the glory of pregnancy tends to send a negative message, she says.

Women only get that kind of limelight while pregnant. I somehow think Secretary of State Hillary Clinton gets a little more limelight now than she did while incubating Chelsea.

However, perhaps for the average woman that is true. That's pathetic. That's not something we should support, it's something we need to address right now. That means that women are only as praiseworthy as their uteruses. Sure, you could run a Fortune 500 company or write a best selling novel or make a serious run at the presidency, but what's really important is your reproductive status.

You know what that's like? It's like when a small child shows you a picture that could only possibly be a representation of the asexual reproduction of amoeba and you say, "That's the best horse I've seen!" You say that because they are a small child and there's no reason to crush their spirit. The world will do that for you soon enough.

Seriously, heaping that much praise on a person for reproducing is condescending. Wow! A sperm and your egg combined inside your body! That's amazing! You've really accomplished something . . . that trillions of creatures accomplish every year. Good for you. Well, you are a woman, what more could you accomplish? Good thing you have a working uterus, otherwise you'd be worthless.

"I'm sure there are some quirks and people who take it too far ... but to make it into a stereotype or caricature thing bothers me," she says. "Then any type of woman will say, 'Oh God, I don't want to be that.' "

Yes, women are such sad, silly creatures that if people weren't falling all over themselves with praise for a biological act (you converted starches into glucose? you're amazing),they wouldn't bother to reproduce at all, and we'd be doomed. Pat the poor girl on the head so we continue to exist.

Gah!

Some Things Make Me Stabby

Family Security Matters staffers researching the issues.

stabby, feminism, misogyny, curie,science, family, security, matters, asshat

So, fresh off of burying the local FBI office under a mountain of paperwork, I ran into something else to make me stabby.

Family Security Matters published a "study" comprised entirely of misogyny and anecdotal evidence on why teh wimminz getin' teh edumacashun will lead to the downfall of Western society. (Shorter me: fuck it, let it burn.)

Less visible is how this influx of women has shaped what might be called the “style” of knowledge creation and dissemination, and here the news may be less welcome. To be blunt, burgeoning feminization typically emasculates males and their resulting flight from education is a huge though almost invisible national loss. This is an awkward to discuss phenomenon and statistical evidence sketchy, so explication must be largely anecdotal. Still, the appalling potential consequences of feminization warrant discussion.

"While statistical evidence of the recent upswing in child molestations commited by Family Security Matter's employees is sketchy, and explanation will therefore be entirely lies, the appalling potential consequences of the child molestations commited by Family Security Matter's warrents further discussion."

File that under games you don't want to play with me today.

Next up, we get a description of a classroom run by a sociopathic football coach:

Let’s begin by distinguishing two educational “styles” – masculine and feminine – as they might emerge in classrooms, conversations or a meeting. The masculine style (and many women certainly embrace this approach to knowledge) exhibits the following general characteristics.

First, finding the objectively correct answer drives inquiry and that truth exists is axiomatic.

Second, social niceties – being tactful, not interrupting – are subordinate to the quest for truth. Bruised egos, put-downs and the like are just tolerable collateral damage.

Third, forceful give-and-take is not to be viewed personally. The model is the friendly pick-up basketball game – roughness washed away by post-game beers.

Fourth, not all views are equal, demonstrable expertise is central, and some comments are not worth hearing. “You’re ignorant of the facts, so stop talking,” is a legitimate rejoinder in a masculine-style debate.

One can certainly imagine a group of physicists arguing about an experiment – a heated debate, snide rejoinders, claims and counter-claims of special expertise, even some table pounding, all followed by a clear outcome on how to proceed. Then a friendly lunch. This style, obviously, hardly guarantees The Truth but few can deny it has proven remarkably effective in advancing knowledge, especially in technical fields.

Actually, if that's what's really going on when physicists get together, I think we could argue that advancing knowledge has occurred despite the table pounding and general nastiness. Really, this asshat is arguing that men are incapable of comporting themselves with a modicum of decorum- and that's a good thing.

Then we have the "feminine style" of education, in which apparently everybody discusses whether or not 2 + 2 = 5, and there's hugs all around no matter what your answer is.

Now consider what we shall deem the feminine approach (and certainly many men embrace it).

First, the quest for some hard-edge objective truth, while outwardly affirmed, is subordinated to social etiquette. It is impermissible to cut off speakers, belittle their facts, roll eyes, or otherwise demean participants.

Second, knowledge emerges from consensus building not strong arguments demolishing the weak via sharp confrontations. Masculine discourse is authoritarian; the female version democratically flavored. In the latter one “shares” information (and is always thanked for sharing) while speakers eschew making incisive points to destroy opponents.

Third, arguments must be subdued lest they undermine personal relationships far beyond the immediate agenda. Ongoing friendships cannot be checked at the door so proper diligence must be exercised. While combative men may wash away ill-feeling immediately afterwards, women may use perceived slights to build new long-term alliances while junking old ones.

Finally, the feminine style subordinates time constraints to satisfying social needs. Discussions, no matter how seemingly pointless, may ramble to collective exhaustion. Everybody gets their say. The parallel is shopping – men want to get in, buy and get out as quickly as possible; women see shopping as a total “experience” to be extended, if possible, to socializing with friends,

That's right: women can't determine truth or make scientific discoveries because we like to shop. Notice also his apparent love of violent interplay: "destroying opponents . . . demolishing the weak." Why on earth would anyone think that "destroying" and "demolishing" are words that should ever come up in connection with education?

To repeat, the feminine styles, merits aside, emasculates men, pushes them out of the classroom and thus deprives Western Civilization of the very brains and energy that made it all possible.

First of all, I don't believe for a second that consensus building is why there are fewer men in college these days. Secondly, what do you suppose Western Civilization could have accomplished if women had been allowed to participate from the start? Madame Curie, anyone?

Ugh, well that's enough volunteer stabbiness for one day- I need to get back to getting paid to be stabby.

Things That Make Me Stabby

liberal, gay, religion, christian, alien, stupid, conservative, asshat, stabby

Every now and then, I only need to see a title to know it's going to make me all stabby.



From the Rapture Ready message boards, we have this:



CakeDecorator: What are Liberals? What do they believe in?

(1) it would be helpful to not ask a roomful of ultraconservatives that question.

(2) liberalism is not a religion. we don't "believe in" things.

Sorry, I just need some light into this. I was listening to Rush Limbaugh oh dear. the other day and he was talking about how many people that voted for Obama "don't get" what being a liberal is i can tell you right now Rush doesn't "get" what a liberal is, nor what rational thought is, or reasoned debate, or compassion or human decency, i could go on and what it means.I didn't vote for Obama but am wondering, what is it exactly that Liberals believe in? Othern than being in pro of abortions and gay marriages and such, what else can you tell me? sigh. that's right. that's all liberals are about.



Sari gives an illuminating response: ...everything opposite of what we beleive "i" before "e", except after "c" and words that rhyme with "neighbor" and "weigh". and no, i am NOT prorape, prochild molestation, procrime, etc.



A MattR of Time suggests something truly horrifying: Liberals believe in liberalism. that's like telling a visitor from mars that christians follow the teachings of christ. great, who was christ? Their god is liberalism headdesk and a nanny state government. WIC and healthcare for all is Teh Evul! I suggest you read the book "Godless" by Ann Coulter. i suggest you rip our your eyeballs with your bare hands before you read that.



I doubt that Bryan4Christ is a real, rapture-believing Christian: Liberal is a subjective term. By some of the standards held by people here, I would be classified as a "liberal" despite the fact that I am a right-leaning centrist by my own definition/admission. If someone doesn't agree with you (and by you I mean anyone in general, not specific to anyone in this thread), if you call yourself a conservative then they are a liberal and if you are a liberal, they are a conservative.There are clearly threads/ideas that resonate within liberal circles just as there are with conservative circles but labeling one person based on a single stance is dangerous. One person could oppose abortion yet support a socalist agenda.



But if all people saw were the socalist agenda, that person could be a "liberal" despite the fact that said person could be a Born Again Christian and lives a personal life that reflects the virtues Christians are told to uphold within the Bible.



Democrat does not mean Liberal and Republican does not mean Conservative. People are too busy throwing labels around and trying to classify people due to their own insecurities, shortcomings or paranoia and the problem falls on both sides of the divide.



Most Americans are not Conservative nor Liberal, they are centrists who lean in a particular direction. Unfortunately all we, as average people, are subjected to are what the media companies throw in our face versus what actually is reality.

so true, Bryan

Ron4Jesus brings the board back to earth: They are the stupid of the country who believe the professors in the Universities to hate America. wait, who's stupid again?They are usually anti-GOD and Pro-abortion and Pro Gay and anything that feels good at the moment. abortions feel good? They are the dumb of the dumb. the what? The dumb and dumber !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! flagrant exclamation point abuse. They also believe in evolution that every thing exploded and everything is the way it is because of it. lulz You and I came from the sea and eventually grew arms and legs and became man and woman. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA In other words they don't believe in a GOD. This is what we have running our country today. The usurper President who is Muslim his name sounds like bin Laden's! is destroying our country and the dumb put him in office the majority dumb, don't forget and now he is tired because he likes to party. what? This has to be the dumbest leaders we ever had in office. my dog is smarter than W. I could go on and on but I am getting sick to my stomach. well, thank you for that.

Well, we're no closer to what liberals actually are, but at least we've established what they are not.