Vaginal Metaphors- Criticism and Review*

[trigger warning: rape after "The Match". Please enjoy this delightful otter instead]

I'm a fan of similes and metaphors. I use them all the time. It's my thing. Unfortunately, similes and metaphors can be a bit like using a rocket launcher in an enclosed space, it'll get the job done, but you're going down, too. And you'll forever be remembered as that idiot who used a rocket launcher in a bathroom.

Today, I'm addressing metaphors for virginity preservation. They are legion, and they are, to a one, Teh Stoopid.

The Present

Your vagina is a present and no one wants a regifted present. Any sexual activity, including kissing, is like unwrapping the present. You can't ever get that wrapping paper to look as nice again.

First of all, I'm sure a collector of first edition books would be thrilled to get a book somebody else owned. Secondly, people are not objects and your breasts feel the same no matter how many people have touched them.

Thirdly, this displays a rather appalling lack of manners. Sure, I like wrapping presents and I like unwrapping presents, but wrapping is only there to give you an extra moment of "oooh, what could this be?" If someone hands me an unwrapped gift, I receive it with no less enthusiasm, and anyone who does deserves an angry badger stuffed down their pants.

Really, I wonder if these people realize they are implying that first time sex is the only sex worth having. I mean, even if you're married, that gift is unwrapped. It's pointless and unspecial now.

*****TMI ALERT******

You're about to learn something about me you may not wish to know.

*****TMI ALERT******

First time sex is never the best sex, and I'm not even talking about virginal sex, which tends to be awkward, embarrassing and involves a lot of "oh, sorry about that". For example, I've read enough erotica to know nipples are supposed to be where it's at. Maybe I'm a freak of nature, but my nipples aren't that sensitive. You know what is? My collarbones. You know how I found that out? (It's not like touching my own collarbones does anything for me, though I can tickle myself.) By making out with a guy who had a thing for chomping on collarbones. If not for that dear, dear man, I may never have known that.

And that's why first time sex is never the best sex. It takes time and experience to figure out what works for you. Sex is like a book printed 200 years ago: it's only getting better with time.

The Cow

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Because women aren't farm animals and sex is not the point of marriage, or it shouldn't be, anyway. I'm sure that might work out for a few months, but eventually you'll have to talk to one another. You might want to have something in common other than a raging libido. Just a thought.

The Cookie

This is a favorite of Mormons. A group of children are asked if they would like a cookie. Being children, they agree enthusiastically. Then a plate of crumbled, soggy cookies is brought out and those children are told that if they have sex, they're like those cookies- inedible. I'm not sure why anyone would wish to be attractive to cannibals, but whatever.

The vagina is not a cookie. The penis is not a cookie. They do not get worn out or crumbly or soggy or loose. Breasts do not develop permanent hand prints if touched too much. Neither do asses. Even if they did, why would having lots of sex with one person be different in that matter from having lots of sex with lots of different people? C'mon now.

The Match

This applies to making out before marriage, but may be the most disturbing of them all. Why light a match if you don't intend to start a fire? (To light a candle, to provide a brief moment of light, to light fireworks?) Why make out if you don't intend to have sex?

If you think about this for more than 5 seconds, you realize how very steeped in the rape culture this analogy is. Think about this for 10 seconds and it gets frightening. Kissing leads to touching and touching leads to sex, so don't kiss anyone if you don't intend to fuck them right there on the spot. All kissing must lead to sex. All kissing, touching, making out is only a prelude to sex, so don't start anything you don't intend to finish.

Look, I know you said "no" when he ripped off your pants, but you were kissing him. You let him touch your breasts. Why would you light a match if you don't intend to start a fire? Slut.

Yeah, that got rapey right quick, didn't it? That's because obsession with virginity is all part of the rape culture. The one you're living in right now. Cows and presents and cookies? Those are all devices of the rape culture, too. Just so you know.

*Someday, I'm going to get a PhD. This will be the title of my thesis.

I Think There's an Amendment for That

this was nothing to be proud of

A.GuyMaligned has added more to his theory on the virgin bridegroom v. the virgin bride. (One is good the other is bad, guess which is which!) He has actually managed to be more offensive with Part III. How?

Too much anxiety causes pre-ejac, which causes the worst kind of shame and virtual disgrace. She feels compelled to encourage him with well-meaning sympathy, but even bridal softening still registers as near-disgrace in front of his most valued possession. [emphasis mine]

A chair is a possession. A painting is a possession. A woman is not a possession. One cannot own another person. I can't even express how offensive that is, or how very sorry I feel for his slave wife.

It's not even logical, if he truly does belief a wife is a possession. I really treasure my xbox, really, really treasure it, but I don't feel humiliated if it sees me trip over the rug or spill my drink all down my front. Because it's a thing, an object, just like all possessions are. If you truly regarded your wife as a possession, you wouldn't care what she thought of you.

Really, what's worse? Thinking of another human being as a thing that you own, or failing at it?

pic link

Early Marriage

marriage, young, christian, virginity, divorce,
Apparently, fundys have caught on that people have sex. Abstinence training is a dismal failure (not that fundys are ever going to abandon that one), so it would seem that they should just accept that people, including teens, have sex and deal with it.

Oh, c'mon now, people, that would involving dealing with reality, and we all know fundys just don't go there. They've got another solution: marrying young "early". That will solve the problem. We'll just marry the kids off before they manage to have sex outside of marriage.

In "The Case for Early Marriage," sociologist Mark Regnerus of the University of Texas in Austin argues that far too many American evangelicals have attempted to deal with sex without understanding marriage. In particular, he asserts that the "prevailing discourse of abstinence culture in contemporary American evangelicalism" has run aground. While not devaluing abstinence, Regnerus explains that his research has led him to believe "that few evangelicals accomplish what their pastors and parents wanted them to do" -- which is to refrain from sexual intercourse until marriage.

...

Regnerus's proposal is not to devalue sexual abstinence, but to address the fundamental issue of marriage. As he explains, "I've come to the conclusion that Christians have made much ado about sex but are becoming slow and lax about marriage -- that more significant, enduring witness to Christ's sacrificial love for his bride."

On the one hand, yes, if you marry the kids off young enough, they may indeed be virgins when they marry. On the other twenty hands, marrying young early causes a whole host of other problems I would think the fundy community would rather avoid, such as divorce. Marrying young, I'm sorry, "early", is a well-recognized risk factor for divorce, as is knowing one another for a short period of time before marriage (which goes hand in hand with marrying young, unless you're marrying a childhood friend).

Basically, the fundys have decided to trade nonvirginal brides and grooms for divorcees. We'll have to stop by in another 5-10 years to see what their solution to that is.

How to Have Sex- Advice from Virgins

homosexual, sex, lust, marriage, christian, virginity, religion, jesus, god, humor,
Next up, a physical virgin (you tell me, what does that mean?) gives us advice on having great sex. (My advice would be, if you're planning on sex in the great outdoors, bring a blanket. And check for poison ivy. And don't attempt to have sex against a newly planted, $500 Japanese Maple. Other than that, as long as you're enjoying it, who cares if it involves a wiffle ball, a skein of yarn and a clown with a violin?)

First, let me say that I am a proud physical virgin seriously, what does that mean? and I plan on remaining one until my marriage. spiritually, he's a slut? i can't figure this out. I cannot give firsthand experience. then you probably should not be giving the rest of us advice about sex then, should you. What I can do is refer you to the top sex expert out there. that crazy german lady? she is awesome. The One I am talking about is very serious about sex - He invented it! not the crazy german lady then. I am of course referring to God. shoulda seen that coming If you had a problem with your computer, you would likely look to the manufacturer for help. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. apparently, someone's never called their manufacturer for help with broken computer. good luck with that. Please don’t take my word on anything of significance wasn't really planning on it- look to God and His word. wasn't planning on that either. here's a clue for the clueless: sex- if it feels good and everybody's happy, you're doing it right.

Sex was God’s idea. God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:28) cause after making 2 people, he couldn't possibly make more. He also said(Genesis 2:24) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” that always gives me a horror movie image of two people melting into each other- ew! This means many things other than physical care to name them?, but you cannot deny the physical implications. God made man in the garden of Eden, but He knew that it was not fit for man to be alone. His solution? To form a woman out of Adam’s side. because he couldn't just make adam and eve at the same time, or make a million people all at once. genesis is a weird story. Before sin Adam and Eve did not see their “nakedness” - or shame. they would have to see their nakedness, if they were capable of seeing at all. they may not have particularly perceived it, anymore than my dog does, but they certainly saw it. I do not believe that God supernaturally had Adam and Eve’s eyes lie to them and believe they were wearing clothes, *sigh* but rather since they were originally morally pure, they did not have shame in any way. i doubt it's their "moral purity". it was ignorance. hello, adam and eve were newly made. they may have physically been adults, but mentally they were infants. my 7 month old niece doesn't see anything wrong in nudity, either. Adam and Eve as the first life partners could have enjoyed unlimited intimacy and pleasure. sex, everywhere! sex, as far as the eye could see! sex, sex, sex all the time! dude- get laid.

Then they were deceived to sin. really? i'd say they were tempted into sin by god's extremely unkind placement of the trees of life and knowledge of good and evil. if god really didn't want anyone eating from those trees, why didn't he just put them at the top of a mountain? or make their fruit singularly unappealing? Do you realize how much we have missed out on? sexy sex sex, all the time, apparently. The absolute best that God had for us in the garden - intimacy with Him and with each other in an unshamful fashion - was torn. dear salvador dali this guy has issues. When disobedience entered into the picture, Adam and Eve were seperated by the feeling of dirtiness they had. please give me a bible quote for that one. adam and eve were said to notice their nakedness, there was nothing about dirtiness. i think i just learned more about the writer than i ever wanted to know. The first husband and wife felt the need to form makeshift coverings from fig leaves (Genesis 3:7). which mormons recreate today! Then the couple hid from God (Genesis 3:8). The intimacy with God and each other was put on hold. Later, the Creator Jesus would restore that connection to those who will turn from their selfish life to one of faith in Christ. wait, so if i convert, i get hot sexy sex sex sex all the time? well, sign me up then!

Physical intimacy is wonderful. how would you know? It is so great that in today’s society a great multitude want to jump the gun and have sex before they are ready. again, how would you know? maybe they are ready. God invented water, but I do not recommend drowning in it. that's a freudian analogy in my opinion. water=wet=well, you know. In the same way, you need to use sex in the right way. is this the instruction manual for my blow dryer or something? First, it should be within the confines of marriage. cause nothing's sexier than two virgins nervously fumbling about. 1 Corinthians 7:2 gives us a problem and solution scenario. The problem is sexual immoraity. The solution is relations between one man and woman. wait for it . . . The verse says “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” because married people never, ever, ever cheat on their spouses. ever. in the history of time. Obviously the Bible tells us that the morally pure way to have the best sex ever no actually, the bible says absolutely nothing about "best sex ever", just religiously acceptable sex. those are two entirely different concepts.- sex the way the sex designer made it - is within marriage. When you wait until marriage for sex and build up that relationship with your future spouse, you are growing in intimacy. I don’t have to tel you that the peak of physical imtimacy for a couple - sex - is very peasureable. since you're a "physical virgin", apparently i need to tell you that. However, it is nothing to compare to the connection we will have with our Savior Jesus in Heaven. how would you know? The Christian who enjoys marital sex is going to have his mind blown away by the joy of Heaven. oh. dear.

More coming soon: lust and homosexuality. It's gonna be like christmas!

Love, Sex and Valentine's Day

hymen, virginity, valentines, romance, love, marriage
Valentine's Day pisses me off. Everything about it pisses me off. Diamonds piss me off. Teddy bears for grown women piss me off. "Oh, no, I don't have a date for Valentine's Day, I will die alone, a pathetic, shriveled cat lady" really pisses me off.

*conversational whiplash alert*

I've done some posts on the idiots who think that the greatest thing a woman brings to a marriage is her virginity, and her most valuable contribution to the marriage is giving her husband sex whenever he wants it, no matter what she wants. Here and here.

So, let's talk about romance and love and what committed relationships really need.

I have nerve and joint damage, some of it severe. I have to be very careful about not "overdoing it", which usually translates to not walking for more than 1 hour in a day, not trying climb more than one flight of stairs in 5 minutes, not sitting in one position for more than 20 minutes at a time, taking breaks while blow drying my hair, not lifting more than 10 lbs . . . yeah, my life does feel like one giant restriction sometimes. For the most part, the price I pay for overdoing it is enough to inspire me not to.

What does this have to do with Valentine's Day and romance and love? Well, my hubby has really severe allergies. (I don't mean he sneezes or gets stuffed up- I mean it affects his sleeping cycle in a major way, which sets off a host of other problems.) One of the best things you can do for someone with allergies is remove all carpeting and put down some sort of hard flooring. (Carpets trap allergens in the carpet itself and underneath the carpet where you can't clean.)

So there I was this weekend helping my hubby completely redo his studio (aka the basement). Not something I should have been doing, but he's got balance problems and can't get on a ladder, so that was me doing all the upper portions of the painting- on a 400 sq ft room (that is a LOT of wall space, trust me.) Before that, I spent 5 hours in a car to and from ikea to buy a coffee table, rug and lamp. For $82.

Today, I am unable to raise my arms over my shoulders. I'm walking with a limp. For some reason I can't imagine, I can't really feel my tongue. And tonight, I will lay laminate flooring.

Not to brag or anything, but really, isn't that better than teddy bears or hymens?

It Is Officially Misogyny Monday

The Artificial Virginity Hymen just went on sale. Yeah, you heard me. It's an articifical hymen made out of albumin, medical use inflation element and water-soluble base medicinal preparation, so, uh, egg whites and . . . stuff.

Look, this is so disturbing, I don't know what to say. Trust me, women aren't doing this for themselves. I don't know a single woman whose first time wasn't painful and/or scary and/or icky and/or outright humiliating. Sex is not something most people just know how to do well. Badly, anyone can manage. This is why women are way more into sex at 36 than at 16. By 36, you know exactly what you want and need, and exactly how to get it. (Or you should. If you don't, we should talk.)

Suffice it to say, I would not want to repeat my first time.

A few more facts people may not be aware of:

1. The hymen is not in the vagina. It is attached to the vulva, the outer portion of the genitalia.
2. Most girls are born with the hymen mostly open. Some girls are born with it completely gone.
3. Most girls' hymens are gone by 13, due to bike-riding, other sports, tampon insertion, etc.
4. Most women do not bleed the first time from hymen breakage, they bleed from tearing in the vulva and vagina caused by lack of lubrication. Since most young women don't have lubrication problems (though allergy medications are a common cause), this is caused most frequently by fear and lack of foreplay.

What is it about virgins that turn men on? Hell, the men I've asked don't get it. As my dearest friend said, "What the hell do I want with a women who doesn't know how to fuck? I don't have that kind of time!"