Blogging on the Fly- Outdoor Weddings

Just a quick update before the internet cafe kicks me out.

Outdoor weddings are quite beautiful, and what could be a better metaphor for a new life together than abundant, lovely nature? So, I totally get why people have outdoor weddings, but I'm allergic to bees*, and below is my entire memory of last night's ceremony (which I'm told was quite touching):

bee?bee!BEE!BEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!isthatafrog?it'ssocu-beebeebeebeebeeBEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

and I think I may have said that bit about the frog out loud.


*as in swell up and die, exactly the sort of behavior one does not wish to engage in at someone's wedding.

I Do Know My Limits

Starting today there will be a notable pause in posting as I go to the Wedding Extravaganza Amongst the Beautiful People(tm) (hereinafter referred to as "Wedapalooza"). Wedapalooza stretches over 2 days, is 4 hours away from me, will require 3 wardrobe changes. Day 2 will start with a lovely array of sporting events to choose from, in the South, in June, and will end in a "cocktail dress" reception. I'm sure you can imagine how very thrilled I am to attend.

From a financial standpoint, Wedapalooza is particularly cruel to the poor in the family, as it requires hotel stays and three new outfits per person, not to mention the traveling, but that's not what I'm blogging about. What I'm blogging about is what I will endure as a chronically ill person: that special ability the able have wherein they are better qualified to discern my physical state, needs and limits than I am.

If you are disabled/chronically ill, you know exactly what I am talking about. The gluten allergic person who refuses food that will make them violently ill is accused of being rude to the cook. The pain patient who excuses themselves to lie down after a too-full day is being lazy or rude to their companions. The person with social anxiety who needs to separate from the crowd in order to stay calm is being ridiculous and needs to get over it.

I live in this body. I have for over 34 years. I am not new to this illness. I know what I need. I know what I need better than anyone else. I know my limits and I sure as hell know when I've gone past them. If I say that I need to rest, that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with you. I am not being rude, I am not being lazy, I am not being selfish. I am doing what I have to do to maintain my health.

I'm sick of being told that I am "no fun" or "ridiculous" or "jeez, it's always something with you!" Yeah? You think it's rough being related to me? Try actually being me. Try it for 5 minutes, I dare you.

Try to imagine, if you will, that you are on a car trip, as a passenger. You have to pee. You tell the driver that you need to pee, please pull over at the earliest opportunity. Imagine that the driver tells you that you are being ridiculous and rude and you need to get over it. That's what I feel like.

So, trust me, I know how I feel, I do know my limits, and you need to respect that.

Stalking God

I just don't get prayer. I never did. Even as a child I found it a bit odd that an omniscient god would need me to tell him anything. Shouldn't he know what I need or want? Shouldn't he know who's in trouble and who needs help? It's really quite illogical. Congratulatory prayer is bizarre, as well. Why does an omnipotent being need anyone to tell him how great he is? I mean, I need people to occasionally say nice things to me, but that's because I'm human and I get a little down sometimes. God should not be having the same problem.

Anyway, I don't think even fundys really understand prayer.

When we pray I know we are suppose to pray with out ceasing, keeping knocking. Pray of course God's will be done. Praying until you receive some kind of a breakthrough or/and answer.

I have also heard some people say they pray once and leave it at God's feet and leave it at that. That once you have said the prayer God knows and in his timing the answer will come. I have heard that some people will write down the prayer on paper, say a prayer, then but it in a box and when they receive an answer they take that prayer paper out because it was answered.

I believe we are suppose to be consistent with our prayers, keeping asking (within HIS will, not ours). To be in constant prayer and thanksgiviing and praise.

What do you believe, keeping praying until breakthrough or one time prayer and leave it at God's feet.

That was just a whole mess of crazy right there. Omnipotent god doesn't hear you unless you constantly repeat yourself? Now I'm starting to think that hurricanes and earthquakes are caused by prayer, because if somebody were doing that to me, I would lose my shit right quick.

Well, it depends on the issue.

I pray for the unsaved every day, and I will not stop.

If I lose something, I might ask God to help me find it, and then leave it at that. I think some things bear repeating, like asking God to protect evangelists and open the hearts of the unsaved, but some don't. It just depends on the issue.

I had a very old cat. He was diabetic. I told God I was worried he would slowly decline and I wouldn't know when to make the choice. I just asked once. God heard me and set it up, when it was his time, to make it a very easy choice.

Oh, for crying out loud. How many millions of children are sold into sexual slavery every day, but god helped this woman out with her diabetic cat? Can we say "self absorbed"?

GOD WANTS US TO STALK HIM.

Nothing makes Him happier than us yakking away at him, all day long.

. . . stalking [is] "the wilful, malicious and repeated following or harassing of another person that threatens his or her safety". Typical stalking behaviour includes the intrusive following of a ‘target’, for example, by placing one’s self in front of the target’s home. Stalkers most often persecute their targets by unwanted communications, like frequent telephone calls, letters, e-mail, graffiti, notes or packages.

Ignoring whether or not you could do that to god, um, I don't think one should be malicious and threatening towards an omnipotent being. That hardly seems safe.

It's funny cuz I was just reading 1 Kings and something that jumped out at me was when Elijah warned King Ahab that rain was coming. When Elijah told him this he then went alone to pray. He would pray for rain, then ask his assistant to look out over the ocean and tell him what he saw. 6 times the assistant came back to Elijah telling him that he saw nothing but on the 7th time he saw a small cloud coming up over the sea.

I read this particular story and saw that even Elijah, a well respected prophet had to ask the LORD 7 times to produce rain. The impression I got from this story was that GOD wants us to always be consistant with our petitions to him.

So, yeah, it's totally inexplicable that after praying for a long period of time, a single raincloud appeared. Because it never rains anywhere.

Clearly, We Have Angered Thor

And he has loosed his wrath upon a 62' tall statue of Jesus.

Monroe fire officials set damage at $700,000 after lighting struck and burned down a 62-foot-high Jesus Christ statue and an adjacent amphitheater at Solid Rock Church late Monday.

Church leaders are vowing to rebuild the iconic "King of Kings" statue - also dubbed "Touchdown Jesus" - which alone was valued at $300,000

.

Touchdown Jesus!

Man Was Not Made for the Sabbath

The Slacktivist has inspired me again, as he frequently does, with his third post on Sex & Money.

You should read the entire post, well, the entire series- fuck it, the entire blog! (we'll wait)- but here is the money quote for me:

I've been describing this as an evangelical Christian dilemma because that's who I am and where I'm coming from. But this is a human failing, not a peculiarly evangelical one. We all have this tendency and temptation to approach whatever we regard as holy writ as though we were paralegals, compiling citations and precedents for a moral indictment of other people. Every religion or ethical framework ever known has had some variation of the Golden Rule, and the adherents of every such system have at some point been tempted to regard that imperative as insufficient and inadequate, seeking and finding additional rules until those rules eventually come to conflict with and supersede that central principle.

"Love is the fulfillment of the law," the Bible says. When love is perceived as a violation of the law, something has gone horribly amiss. When the rulebook is telling you that more affordable, decent housing for seniors is wrong, then something is wrong with the way you're reading the rulebook.

Yes. Of course. If you're an atheist, you go a little further: if the rulebook really does tell you that, ditch the rulebook entirely.

Rules exist for a purpose, to guide and protect the people who live under them. 25mph isn't arbitrary, it's the fastest speed that safely allows one to traverse neighborhood streets. We don't punish driving while intoxicated because we are killjoys, but rather because innocent people die when others choose to drive under the influence. Rules are a good thing, I agree. Utter anarchy only serves the wealthy and well-armed, so I'll suffer a few misapplied rules. What I will not suffer is the worship of rules over people, the very definition of fundamentalism.

The reason I can't be a fundamentalist is that the rules will never mean more to me than the people. "No abortions ever!" they cry, and I weep for a raped 9-year-old, impregnated with twins, saved from certain death by an abortion. "It says right here that gay is wrong!" they rage, but all I can see is a gay man prevented by lack of marriage from seeing his love of 40 years one last time before he dies.

I don't understand you, fundamentalist. I don't. I try, harder than you can realize, I really do, but your rules, your words on a page, will never- not ever- mean more to me than the people they affect. You see principles, I see people. You tell me I am evil, and I wonder what part of love for my fellow man is evil. The further I move from faith, the more I understand that the greatest of these is love.

Starting the Week Off with a Bang

[warning: I'm going to be discussing sex, genitals, masturbation, orgasms, et al. If that's not for you, might I recommend the Daily Squee?]

Every now and then, I hear a woman say, "I've never had an orgasm" or "I think I've had an orgasm", which is the same thing, because if you have had an orgasm, you'll know all about it.

This statement confuses me. I finally figured out why about five years ago when I asked, "You mean you've never had an orgasm with another person, right?" I asked this because it is a lot easier, as a woman, to figure out how to make yourself climax than it is to work that out with another person, at least until you learn to speak up about what works for you. At which point I discovered that, apparently, either most women don't masturbate, or would sooner set themselves on fire rather than admit it to another person. I think it's the former, because if you're fully ready to admit that you've had lots of sex that never really went anywhere for you, why would you be shy about masturbation?

Look, it's not hard for women to have orgasms, but it requires some pretty specific touch in some pretty specific spots, and everyone's a little different. Therefore, if you would like to have orgasms on a regular basis- or ever- and trust me, you do, you're going to have to (gasp!) touch your own body. Yes, that's right, it's your body, freakin' touch it. (Oh, and take a look at it, too. The sheer number of women who have never seen their own genitals is bizarre. Get out a mirror and take a good look.)

Religion, of course, has it's own special take on anything fun and naked:

I too have a 4 yr old . . . and he fondles himself all the time. Honestly I don't believe he knows he is doing anything wrong. It is not a consientious searching for release, but exploring. I persoanlly believe in little children it is not wrong per se. Crude and a habit to be broken yes (or it could lead into perversion) but at this age they have no clue about those feelings. For an adult/teenager the "m" is a conscientous thing of seeking release from something other thantheir wife. it is a perversion and that is why it is wrong. But in a child, they just do not have those desires. As to how to break it, right now, I am trying to keep him busy, and when I catch him at it reminding him it is ugly. I have heard of some parents putting pepper on the child's hands (but as that area is especially sensitive and pepper will burn the area I believe this to be abuusive) Once it has been made clear to the child that this is inappropriate, than I start spanking when I catch him at it.

Wow, there's so much wrong there, I don't know what to say. None of the people in these thread can even say "masturbation", the closest they get is "m". I'm pretty sure spanking at the first sign of genital touching is a good way to give someone a kink and a half. (There's nothing wrong with enjoying consensual spanking, but I'm guessing that's not what this woman had in mind.) Yes, pepper to the genitals is abusive. That probably qualifies as torture.

Here's what we did. First, we taught our children the medical names for all their parts. It was our way for showing respect for their bodies. Then, we discussed how marvelously they were made. We talked about the hand and how it moves. We made a life-sized poster of the digestive tract. We bought picture books that showed the anatomy of the eye and talked about how the brain took in information. Mixed in with all of this was a frank discussion on what private parts were and what purpose they served.

Then, we talked about how Satan likes to take what God has made and pervert it. We talked about addictions to things that God meant to be used for good -- drugs and foods. We talked about how the enemy wants us to miss the best God has for us by perverting natural use into an unnatural use. It is in this context that we talked to the boys about the "m" word. We pointed out how that this can become a lifelong habit that imprisons those who give themselves over to it. It didn't take many trips in public for our boys to spot grown men who unconsciously grab themselves. That was enough to convince them of the truth of our words.

"Unconsciously grab themselves"?! Where the fuck is she taking these children? I really hope she's describing "adjustments*", not parading her children around the red light district. Besides that, I'm pretty sure once you've described touching a penis in connection with Satan and perversion, you've ruined all hope of a healthy sex life for your child.

With boys it helps to put them in denim jeans or overalls - they just don't think about it, and the access is limited. Boxers rather than underwear also help. With the girls, fitted spandex or knit shorts over their panties at all times helps keep the matter "under wraps."

Also, in an unemotional, brief, and frank way, say, "No, it's wrong to handle yourself there other than just washing and wiping. If you do, you will be "corrected" for it. Do not disobey me."
This does not darken sexuality - just the misapplication of it. Follow her around, keep her with you, check on her continually, and correct for disobedience. Keep life moving and interested. Make sure boredom is not a factor. Kids are foolish sometimes and correction will help them overcome that foolishness before it becomes a sinful habit. But remember - it is not yet a sinful habit, just foolishness.
Also pray for protection and rebuke the Devil.

Sure, it doesn't darken sexuality at all to imply that your sexual organs have no sexual purpose, and then to follow someone around constantly to make sure they don't ever, ever, ever touch their genitals through 5 layers of clothing. That's not gonna leave a mark on anyone's psyche.

Seriously, can you just picture the fundy wedding night? Two people who, if we are to believe their parents, have never so much as briefly fondled themselves and certainly haven't even kissed another person fumbling around trying to figure out what goes where, and, having been taught that genitals are for urination only, probably don't want to touch anyone else's genitals? Yikes.

My little girl was good for exploring herself in the bath tub, but we had to explain to her that she can't do that. She needs to wipe herself when she goes potty, wash in the bath tub, but playing with herself can cause her "privates" to hurt. She can get an infection or scratch herself. My "Goose" responded well the the rationality that we need to take care of our body and doing that can hurt it.

That is so mean! "Yeah, honey, I'm sure that feels good, but YOU COULD GET AN INFECTION AND DIE! Hands off, now." Oooh, I bet her sex life is gonna be peachy someday.

*Not having an outie, I'll take guys' words for it that this is sometimes desperately necessary.

You Shall Not Pass

And you know what they say about angering wizards . . .