A Day in the Life of a Liberal (just for you, kissyface)

Keep the requests coming, people! This is for Kelley R, whose avatar seems to want some sugar.

A Day in the Life of a Liberal (as written by a person from Mars, apparently.)

Here's the story I wrote the other night. Please excuse the 1am typos and all the misspellings. Enjoy!
[and if you're easily offended, pass on this one...]

I can't be bothered to review and edit my "story", and if you're not laughing, it's because you have no sense of humor, not because I'm an idiot!

Your day as a liberal begins at the crack of dawn with early morning yoga followed by a quick bite of dried seaweed breakfast before hitting the road to attend your latest "peaceful demonstration." On your way home, you're sure to stop and hug a few trees before jumping back on your 100% smog-free bicycle (complete with the "I break from beached whales" sticker). After a delicious lunch of tofu and egg beaters, you must pause to meditate, worship mother earth, and re-contemplate the effects of hairspray on the depleted ozone layer.

Actually, I wake up before the sun to go to my job as a legal secretary. I do not do yoga, though it's a fantastic exercise, nor do I eat seaweed, because I'm a liberal, not Japanese. I can see how easy it is to confuse liberals and Japan, but really, where did you get this list of stereotypes, 1985? I do like me some trees, I don't hug them, asshat. I do not own a bicycle, and "I break from beached whales" implies that I split in half due to beached whales. English, try it. I do occasionally eat tofu, but egg beaters? Liberal doesn't necessarily mean having high cholesterol. Egg beaters are made, at least partially, from eggs, so if I were morally opposed to eating eggs, which I am not, I wouldn't eat egg beaters. I do not worship anything, and that hairspray thing was beaten to death by 1989. The 21st Century, feel free to join it.

The soft jingling of the windchimes outside your recycled-bottle windows remind you it's time to go, and you quickly undress for your PETA anti-fur protest. You pick up your can of lead-free red paint and head out the door carefully avoiding your "Obama is my Homeboy" sign planted on the front, pesticide free, lawn.

I despise windchimes, but when did windchimes become a liberal stereotype? Recycled-bottle windows? They make those? I have those double-paned windows to help keep the heat in. They're really nice, but I don't think they're made out of recycled bottles. PETA people protest naked? I'm not in PETA, so I wouldn't know. My lawn is pesticide free, but that's mostly because of the large number of animals and children that play in it. Apparently, being conservative means poisoning your younger relatives for the sake of your lawn. "Obama is my Homeboy" is making me think you may be racist as well as stupid.

After a long (chilly) day of paint-throwing, you finally sit down in the comfort of your own home only to realize that the fung shui of the room is off!

So, what, I just moved in? I don't think feng shui is one of those things you just notice. I don't buy into that sort of thing, but people who do are really meticulous about it.

After re-arranging several "happy planet" pictures,

wtf are you talking about? I bought awesome art with my tax return last year, from ebay and art.com. I have this one print by Picasso which involves a goat. It's so cool.

you glance at your potato-powered clock

I just realized I don't actually own a clock. We use our phones or the clock on the stove. I guess I'm just not all that concerned about the time.

and realize that you're late for your coffee shop concert!

Dude, I'm a liberal, not a hipster.

You throw on your socks and birkenstocks,

Does anyone wear those anymore? I certainly don't. I am currently wearing awesome knee high black boots over my jeans, and I like to think I look like a pirate.

hop in your hybrid,

Excellent gas mileage is for fools! You should be lining the pockets of countries that hate us if you want to be a patriot!

and pull away very slowly, taking care not to create any excess gas emissions by going too fast. Your concert goes well- another payday at last! You pocket the $20, and head home making sure to stop by your local organic grocer on the way. A bag of all-natural pita chips and hummus later,

Eating well is for fools, too! You should be eating as many preservatives and hormones as possible! Seriously, pita chips and hummus are amazing.

you're on your way when all of a sudden, Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio!

Because my radio is tuned to that station why?

Outrage quickly arises in your mind as the blasphemer sarcastically discusses the "imminent dangers" of global warming. You disgustedly search through radio stations until you hear an assuring, familiar voice, "That depends on what your definition of 'is' is..."

Seriously, did you write this in the 1990s?

Finally home, you turn on your energy-efficient light bulb

Saving money on electricity is for fools! Every penny of your income should be supporting the salaries of business executives, not the needs of your family!

and begin preparing a tantalizing dinner of free-range chicken and edamame.

Wait, wasn't I a member of PETA this morning? I mean, I protested naked against fur and now I'm eating chickens? It's like you don't even know me.

You feed your dogs, cats, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, parakete, hampster, iguana, ant farm, emu, and ferret (using organic, naturally grown and unprocessed pet food, of course),

Pets are a liberal thing now?

before stumbling exhaustedly into your solar-power-heated room and collapse onto your recycled cotton bedsheets.

Solar power is for fools! Why aren't you supporting the electric/gas company? Also, I splurged on 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets a few years ago (tax return), and I gotta tell you, I have never made a better purchase. $60 on overstock.com for queen size. So worth it.

Awakened suddenly at 2:30am to find a masked intruder standing over you, you grope around your nightstand for a weapon to defend yourself only to realize there are none in your house! Barely reaching the phone, you dial 9-1-...

Ah yes, the myth that gun owners are never the victims of crime. The fact that a gun in a home will most likely be used to accidentally harm or kill someone living in that home is entirely irrelevant. Anyway, I own both a 12 gauge shotgun and .22 rifle, but I don't keep them loaded under my pillow. And, why would I reach for a gun if I don't keep a gun in that spot and indeed do not own a gun? Spleen weasel.

And everything goes dark. Guess the police didn't get there in time afterall. Too bad you willingly sacrificed your Constitutional right to assured protection. Maybe the Second Amendment really did mean individuals instead of a militia... Hmmm...

Not owning a gun is not sacrificing my Constitutional rights. I also have never refused to quarter soldiers in my home, is that sacrificing my Constitutional rights? Dumbass.

Oh well, your good karma will ensure that you'll come back as a higher life form anyway, right? And if not, don't all pathways lead to God? Guess you'll find out pretty soon!

HAHAHAHAHA! You're dead! That's so hilarious! I'm a psychopath! Seriously, I don't believe in god or karma, but I don't delight in the deaths of others. Unlike sarabeth, who is not only trapped in the last century, but apparently believes anything Rush Limbaugh tells her.

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It's Not Revolutionary to Be An Asshole to the Working Man

I really hate it when people get all "Whoo! I'm a culture warrior!" about being rude to some poor customer service agent/waitress/secretary.

Let me give you an example. When I worked at the Fleet Bank call center (back when there was a Fleet Bank), we weren't allowed to say anything when people sneezed, not "bless you", not "gesundheidt", nothing. The rule was enacted to keep us from offending anyone, and ruthlessly enforced. That just about killed me, because personally, the compulsion to say "bless you" when I hear someone sneeze is so strong, that were I being tortured to death, I would probably say it to the person torturing me.

Anyway, most callers would sneeze, pause a second, realize they weren't getting blessed and keep talking. Some people, however, would launch into a tirade about how rude I was and how dare I and blahblahblah. Hello, I'm not getting fired because you sneezed. Get over it.

My point is, the person who answers the phone is not the person who makes the rules. Ever. Don't yell at them for company policy, they're just trying to pay the rent and put food on the table. They may well agree with you about the policy, but they can't say it or they will lose their job. Just let it go.

Unless you're a Christian, in which case you should torment Census workers and brag about it.

dirtdartwife left this as a comment:

I filled in our census form and mailed it in. I made sure to put "American" for the race of all in my family. We got a call over the weekend to "verify that the information is correct". My husband ruined my good fun because he was asked if anyone was black or latino and he says "No" and then the person asked "so you're white" and my husband responds "yes". ugg... I wish I had answered the phone. Than again, he said the person couldn't read the script he was given because he was told "Thank you for your precipitation."

Please feel free to leave your stories here. Maybe we can gather them for a book. . .Chicken Soup for the Census, anyone?

Look, you know as well as I do that "American" is not a race in this situation. Just leave the poor script-reader alone. He's making a little over minimum wage to talk to assholes like you all day long. He doesn't make the rules concerning the Census. As for "Thank you for your precipitation", let me tell you something, jackass. When you say the same thing over and over and over again, all day, 5 days a week, you don't even know what you're saying anymore. When I answer the phone at work, it's a vague approximation of "Good morning/afternoon, law offices". I never get the time of day right. Sometimes I've heard myself say "paw officers". Some people think it's hilarious to tell me it's not afternoon yet- yeah, whatever, you're a comedian. Asshole.

So, I guess we'll know the Christians by their love- of being mean to people on the phone.

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More on the Tea Party Asshattery

tea bag, tea party, teabag, teabagging, conservative, liberal, obama, bush, spleenweasel, asshat, stupid,
The Washington Monthly as an excellent look at another part of the tea party silliness that has been bothering me: these spleenweasels weren't mailing anyone bags of Lipton when Bush was spending money and driving the US government into a deficit (not to mention taking away civil liberties, starting wars and ordering torture).

Now we're less than 3 months into the first black President's term and spending money is BAD! Taxes are BAD! Civil liberties are GOOD!

Seriously, bite me.

Outside the Beltway's Alex Knapp, a libertarian, took a look at some of these events and came up with some important observations. Knapp noted, for example, the fact that most "Tea Party" participants will get a tax cut from Obama, so it's kind of difficult to believe them when they say they feel put upon. For that matter, "Tea Party" cheerleaders didn't mind excessive government spending when it was going to an unnecessary war in Iraq. He concluded:
Let's call the "tea party" and "going Galt" nonsense what it is: unprincipled partisan hackery. If these were truly principled protests, they'd have been around all through the Bush and Republican-controlled Congress years, too.

Quite right. It's no doubt inconvenient for this crowd, but a Republican Congress and Republican White House worked together to increase the debt by $5 trillion, expand the size of government, increase spending, increase the tax burden on the middle class, and expand the powers of the executive to undermine civil liberties. The some people attending "Tea Parties" not only cheered these GOP policymakers on, but voted to keep them in office as long as possible. (Indeed, many condemned those who disagreed, accusing liberals of "treason" for failing to support elected leaders during a crisis..)

Literally just two months into a Democratic administration, far-right activists are now holding public protests? They're mad about deficits and a loss of "liberty"?

I almost feel sorry for the folks who get conned into believing this nonsense.