Friday, December 10, 2010

A Day in the Life of a Liberal (just for you, kissyface)


Keep the requests coming, people! This is for Kelley R, whose avatar seems to want some sugar.

A Day in the Life of a Liberal (as written by a person from Mars, apparently.)

Here's the story I wrote the other night. Please excuse the 1am typos and all the misspellings. Enjoy!
[and if you're easily offended, pass on this one...]

I can't be bothered to review and edit my "story", and if you're not laughing, it's because you have no sense of humor, not because I'm an idiot!

Your day as a liberal begins at the crack of dawn with early morning yoga followed by a quick bite of dried seaweed breakfast before hitting the road to attend your latest "peaceful demonstration." On your way home, you're sure to stop and hug a few trees before jumping back on your 100% smog-free bicycle (complete with the "I break from beached whales" sticker). After a delicious lunch of tofu and egg beaters, you must pause to meditate, worship mother earth, and re-contemplate the effects of hairspray on the depleted ozone layer.

Actually, I wake up before the sun to go to my job as a legal secretary. I do not do yoga, though it's a fantastic exercise, nor do I eat seaweed, because I'm a liberal, not Japanese. I can see how easy it is to confuse liberals and Japan, but really, where did you get this list of stereotypes, 1985? I do like me some trees, I don't hug them, asshat. I do not own a bicycle, and "I break from beached whales" implies that I split in half due to beached whales. English, try it. I do occasionally eat tofu, but egg beaters? Liberal doesn't necessarily mean having high cholesterol. Egg beaters are made, at least partially, from eggs, so if I were morally opposed to eating eggs, which I am not, I wouldn't eat egg beaters. I do not worship anything, and that hairspray thing was beaten to death by 1989. The 21st Century, feel free to join it.

The soft jingling of the windchimes outside your recycled-bottle windows remind you it's time to go, and you quickly undress for your PETA anti-fur protest. You pick up your can of lead-free red paint and head out the door carefully avoiding your "Obama is my Homeboy" sign planted on the front, pesticide free, lawn.

I despise windchimes, but when did windchimes become a liberal stereotype? Recycled-bottle windows? They make those? I have those double-paned windows to help keep the heat in. They're really nice, but I don't think they're made out of recycled bottles. PETA people protest naked? I'm not in PETA, so I wouldn't know. My lawn is pesticide free, but that's mostly because of the large number of animals and children that play in it. Apparently, being conservative means poisoning your younger relatives for the sake of your lawn. "Obama is my Homeboy" is making me think you may be racist as well as stupid.

After a long (chilly) day of paint-throwing, you finally sit down in the comfort of your own home only to realize that the fung shui of the room is off!

So, what, I just moved in? I don't think feng shui is one of those things you just notice. I don't buy into that sort of thing, but people who do are really meticulous about it.

After re-arranging several "happy planet" pictures,

wtf are you talking about? I bought awesome art with my tax return last year, from ebay and art.com. I have this one print by Picasso which involves a goat. It's so cool.

you glance at your potato-powered clock

I just realized I don't actually own a clock. We use our phones or the clock on the stove. I guess I'm just not all that concerned about the time.

and realize that you're late for your coffee shop concert!

Dude, I'm a liberal, not a hipster.

You throw on your socks and birkenstocks,

Does anyone wear those anymore? I certainly don't. I am currently wearing awesome knee high black boots over my jeans, and I like to think I look like a pirate.

hop in your hybrid,

Excellent gas mileage is for fools! You should be lining the pockets of countries that hate us if you want to be a patriot!

and pull away very slowly, taking care not to create any excess gas emissions by going too fast. Your concert goes well- another payday at last! You pocket the $20, and head home making sure to stop by your local organic grocer on the way. A bag of all-natural pita chips and hummus later,

Eating well is for fools, too! You should be eating as many preservatives and hormones as possible! Seriously, pita chips and hummus are amazing.

you're on your way when all of a sudden, Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio!

Because my radio is tuned to that station why?

Outrage quickly arises in your mind as the blasphemer sarcastically discusses the "imminent dangers" of global warming. You disgustedly search through radio stations until you hear an assuring, familiar voice, "That depends on what your definition of 'is' is..."

Seriously, did you write this in the 1990s?

Finally home, you turn on your energy-efficient light bulb

Saving money on electricity is for fools! Every penny of your income should be supporting the salaries of business executives, not the needs of your family!

and begin preparing a tantalizing dinner of free-range chicken and edamame.

Wait, wasn't I a member of PETA this morning? I mean, I protested naked against fur and now I'm eating chickens? It's like you don't even know me.

You feed your dogs, cats, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, parakete, hampster, iguana, ant farm, emu, and ferret (using organic, naturally grown and unprocessed pet food, of course),

Pets are a liberal thing now?

before stumbling exhaustedly into your solar-power-heated room and collapse onto your recycled cotton bedsheets.

Solar power is for fools! Why aren't you supporting the electric/gas company? Also, I splurged on 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets a few years ago (tax return), and I gotta tell you, I have never made a better purchase. $60 on overstock.com for queen size. So worth it.

Awakened suddenly at 2:30am to find a masked intruder standing over you, you grope around your nightstand for a weapon to defend yourself only to realize there are none in your house! Barely reaching the phone, you dial 9-1-...

Ah yes, the myth that gun owners are never the victims of crime. The fact that a gun in a home will most likely be used to accidentally harm or kill someone living in that home is entirely irrelevant. Anyway, I own both a 12 gauge shotgun and .22 rifle, but I don't keep them loaded under my pillow. And, why would I reach for a gun if I don't keep a gun in that spot and indeed do not own a gun? Spleen weasel.

And everything goes dark. Guess the police didn't get there in time afterall. Too bad you willingly sacrificed your Constitutional right to assured protection. Maybe the Second Amendment really did mean individuals instead of a militia... Hmmm...

Not owning a gun is not sacrificing my Constitutional rights. I also have never refused to quarter soldiers in my home, is that sacrificing my Constitutional rights? Dumbass.

Oh well, your good karma will ensure that you'll come back as a higher life form anyway, right? And if not, don't all pathways lead to God? Guess you'll find out pretty soon!

HAHAHAHAHA! You're dead! That's so hilarious! I'm a psychopath! Seriously, I don't believe in god or karma, but I don't delight in the deaths of others. Unlike sarabeth, who is not only trapped in the last century, but apparently believes anything Rush Limbaugh tells her.

10 comments:

  1. Shorter sarabeth: "I have never met an actual liberal in my entire life, let alone spoken to one, but I feel qualified to describe their lives and habits because Rush Limbaugh told me what they're like."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Roy Zimmerman (an actual liberal) did this much funnier and better:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3qgiNPVpSM

    ReplyDelete
  3. @ BeamStalk - that was a funny video. I was listening to NPR and there was a segment about comedy. It seems that conservatives and liberals tend to enjoy two different kinds of humor. Conservatives like a joke with a straightforward punchline to it. Liberals tend to enjoy satire.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Actually, I thought that was pretty funny. Reminded me of Stuff White People Like.

    There's always a room for a little satire.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You could write this for any group of people and it would have the potential to be cleverly funny, horribly offensive, or stupidly forgettable.

    This was the third.

    ReplyDelete
  6. that was... disturbing. the inherent contradictions were painful. not to mention The Stupid.


    but that video was awesome! great song :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Umm aren't all bikes 100% smog-free?

    I don't get the gun thing obviously. This guy should consider that in other countries people don't have this guns = protection weirdness. And we're doing just fine. Unless you're a hunter you don't have a gun in NZ. Our police don't even have guns. Someone should whack that bit of knowledge on that guy. We've only just got tasers and there's only like three of them in the whole country so last time we had to use one the crim had to wait patiently while we flew the taser from the South Island to the North Island. Nobody died.

    ReplyDelete
  8. And by 'this guy' I mean the chick who wrote that crap.

    ReplyDelete
  9. The second amendment's purpose is to give people the ability to fight back against the government, not just people who break into our homes. Besides, if I was a burglar and I knew that everyone kept weapons in their houses, I wouldn't bother to bring one of my own when I go out robbing. I'd reach under their pillows before they wake up and use the weapons on them.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You never fail to astonish me with the depths of stupidity you stumble across. You really should write a book. Call it "An evisceration of internet fucktards" or something similar. You have a rarefied sense for the very finest vintages of worthless, idiot, assholes. I salute you.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

I am attempting to use blogger's new comment spam feature. If you don't immediately see your comment, it is being held in spam, I will get it out next time I check the filter. Unless you are Dennis Markuze, in which case you're never seeing your comment.

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Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.