Does It Jiggle? Be Ashamed!

My breasts defy your rules!

I am quite thin. As in jutting collar bones and clearly discernible hipbones thin. Yet I am still a woman and when I move, things jiggle and bounce. My breasts bounce, my rear wiggles, my thighs jiggle a bit. It's part and parcel of being a woman- your body gets jiggy whether you do or not.

So when I read this (below) about body parts jiggling and strapping them down with extreme prejudice, I had to both laugh and fume. Laugh because I don't care how much duct tape you use, jiggling will occur, and fume because the female body is what is and I'm sick to death of being told all the ways I should be ashamed of it, and all the effort I should put into hiding it. If someone's not mocking my hair, some other asshat is advising multiple bras to keep my breasts from being breasts. Hello! They're fat and glands held in by nothing but skin, what do think is going to happen when I move? Oh, and nipples? Yeah, they happen. Get over it.

The congregation I attend has congregational dancing on Shabbat These are the guidelines for modesty while dancing. :D As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion (modesty) Proverbs 11:22

Or has breasts and dares to leave them untaped!

(I'm just hitting the highlights of this ridiculous list. It's much longer than what appears here.)

Shirts/Blouses/Dress Tops Must not cling to reveal or accentuate the roundness of your breasts, or the curvature of your figure.

How on earth, where on earth, do I find a top that doesn't "cling", "reveal" or "accentuate" what is sticking out from my ribcage? Think about that for a second. During the winter, I frequently wrap a pashmina* around myself, and even with a big swathe of fabric loosely draped around my shoulders, you can still see my breasts exist, and I'm hardly busty. This would be impossible for a woman with even average size breasts.

Well, I suppose I could buy a burqa.

Skirts/Dresses & Pant suits a. Must not cling to the hips, thighs or buttocks to reveal or accentuate the curvature of roundness of them.

Again, hips and bottoms stick out. This is just, I dunno, anatomy, physics, three dimensionality. Again, the burqa is the only logical solution.

And here's the money commandment:

c. Proper Support should be worn. Applicable body parts should be anchored at all times while dancing. (May require sports bras, additional bras, control top pantyhose, etc.) General Rule of Thumb: If it jiggles or bounces, even slightly strap it down. To ensure modesty, a bra that is fiber lined will prevent unwanted protrusions from being visible under blouses.

As I mentioned above, even I jiggle and bounce. A woman of healthy weight much more so. This is a direct command to be uncomfortable, unhealthy and ashamed. Seriously, "additional bras"? I'm not even sure how one wears more than one bra at a time unless they are suggesting a sports bra on top of a regular bra, and then I don't see how anyone is breathing. Control top pantyhose? Ever worn those**? Again, no breathing. "Unwanted protusions"? Oh, right, erect nipples.

I have a solution. The burqa. It's clearly where you are going, just stop tormenting your female congregants with control tops and multiple bras and go with the burqa.

Really, who wrote this out? And how much fapping interrupted this screed?

Who may ascend into the hill of the L-rd? Or who may stand in His Holy Place? He (she) who has clean hands and a pure heart. Psalms 24:4

And duct tape around their breasts.

*My boss' wife picks out the nicest Christmas gifts!

** I have no idea why anyone makes control top pantyhose in my size, but they almost all are control top.

Brutally Honest and Operative Words

Apparently, my hair looks like this today.

I truly hate the brutally honest. They're always so proud of their honesty, as if "honest" were the operative word in that phrase.

Hey, I like honesty. I certainly don't like being lied to, and I have enough short term memory loss to make lying an activity I can't reliably engage in, but not all honesty is necessary or desirable. I'm not even talking about theoretical Jews in hypothetical attics, I'm talking about hurting someone's feelings for no benefit.

Look, if a friend of mine modeled a low cut blouse that they were very proud of and then mentioned they were wearing it to a job interview, I would tell them, gently, that while the blouse is fabulous and they look fantastic in it, not appropriate for a job interview. That's beneficial.

There is absolutely no benefit to walking up to someone having a bad hair day and loudly asking "What did you do to your hair?!"

It's curly hair, it's humid, the results can be a bit unpredictable. And large. I don't get days off for bad hair days, I can't wear a baseball hat, so there it is. I left the house telling myself it wasn't that bad, don't worry about. Then I get this:

What did you DO to your hair?!

WHAT did you DO to your hair?!?!?!

WHAT did you DO to your HAIR?!?!??!!?!?

I patted my hair a bit, not that patting is likely to help, and muttered something. I may actually have muttered "asshole", but old lawyers don't have the best hearing.

WHAT?!

"I'm having a bad hair day," I explained, unable to look up from my desk. Like prairie dogs of humiliation, several of my coworkers had popped up over the tops of their cubicles to look.

"Oh, I thought it was a new style. Are you sure you didn't stick your finger in a light socket?"

Really, I did not think it was that bad, but there's the rest of my day. Shamefacedly trying to hide my hair by staring at my desk or my feet, because if I can't see anyone else, I can't see them seeing me.

So do me a favor. If you can't think of something nice to say, don't fucking say anything, because the operative word in the phrase "brutally honest" isn't "honest", it's "brutal".

pic link

Whatever You Do, Do Not Click On That

I have got to stop clicking on trending topics on twitter. Seriously. I already know how stupid people can get in 140 characters or less, I don't need another object lesson. So of course I clicked on #whatdowomenwant.

First off, in case you can't figure out what women want, we're not a fucking alien species. We're people. We want what people want. Just remove anything you want concerning your penis and you know what women want. It's not like trying to figure out what a stingray wants.

Here are a long list of things women do not want, as brought to you by people for whom 140 characters are just too dangerous:

A mirror n perfect position so she can watch herself get pipe'd dwn

I honestly don't know what that means, and I'm okay with that.

well if they like me...another fine ass woman lol!

Um, okay then. Really, I'm totally past this LEZBOS R HAWT!!1!! (but those gay guys need to die) thing.

what they can't have

Women say they want nice guys and then they dump me for someone else! It's almost like I'm not nearly as nice and sane as I think I am. No, it's totally the women. The crazy, crazy women.

Love & Effection . lmao sike! more like Money & Purses

Yes, we're gold-digging whores! All of us! We want money and things to put money in! HAHAHAHAHA.

Although, upon reflection, I certainly don't want "effection", whatever that is.

every GYATDAUM thing....sheit!!!!

Dude, how about spelling? If you're going to be a misogynistic asshole, at least spell properly. (And please, do not tell me what "GYATDAUM" means.)

a wedding

Here's a fire. Die in it.

to make ppl believe they don't suck guys off

What? When did oral sex become unacceptable behavior for women? Did I not get the memo? Not that I want to give this guy any.

what every other woman has :)

We're greedy. Greedy, gold-digging whores. Who lie about oral sex. And like weddings.

Kitchen gloves and a iron board.

Whatever would one do with an iron board? Now, an ironing board, sure.

To be like Kim Kardashian. Not work n date celebrities.

I now officially hate humanity.

The Difference Between Tragedy and Not

Today, Christianity taught me the difference between a tragedy and an ignorable event: Christians!

Chuck Colson, Out of Sight, Out of Mind, Dead

I am personally outraged over the media’s inattention to what’s really happening in Iraq. And you ought to be as well.

I am outraged! All those dead Iraqis, it's shameful we in America aren't hearing more about it. There have been 1,421,933 Iraqi deaths as a result of our invasion. When was the last time you heard that number on the nightly new- wait, that's not what Chuck's outraged about? Oh.

On Sunday, October 31st, Islamic terrorists set off a car bomb and then took dozens of worshippers hostage at Our Lady of Salvation Catholic Church in Baghdad. A few hours later, at least fifty-eight people were dead.

Oh, 58 Christians. Well, I'm certainly not in favor of killing Christians, but, Chuck, that's not even half a percent as many Iraqis as we've killed. I suppose maybe Chuck's upset that nobody's heard about these deat- oh, wait, we have?

Most of the news reports, at least here in the United States, treated it as just another instance of Iraqi-on-Iraqi violence. It wasn’t, and we shouldn’t permit it to be interpreted that way.

Iraqi on Iraqi violence is fine, really. Who cares if the Muslims kill one another? Who cares if we kill Muslims? Muslims killing Christians, on the other hand, is a tragedy and we better all be weeping.

What is also clear is that if all you knew about the attack was based on American news sources, you wouldn’t know that Christians were being specifically targeted. As columnist and media critic Terry Mattingly noted, news reports, at least initially, didn’t even identify what kind of Christian church had been attacked.

Even when they named the church, they missed the part about Christians being in the crosshairs. They used words like “standoff” and “hostage crisis” as if they were describing a bank robbery gone sour.

First of all, "standoff" is an appropriate way to describe a standoff. And if someone's taken hostages, it's a hostage crisis. There's not some separate set of words to describe violence done to Christians, though clearly Chuck would like there to be- you know, so we're aware people who matter are being killed as opposed to those vermin who can die any way they like for all Chuck cares.

And what the fuck difference would it make what kind of Christian church was being attacked? My guess would be because Chuck could sleep just fine if it were a Catholic church, but I fail to see what difference it would make to the rest of us.

So, just to be clear, Chuck, 1.4 MILLION dead Muslim Iraqis is no big deal. 58 dead Christian Iraqis is a tragedy of epic proportions. Good to know.

I Has a Sleepy

Apparently, someone secretly sleeps on the couch.

Revealing Your Own Privilege

You may not be aware of it, but every time you make a (generally unasked for) suggestion to someone, you may be privileging all over that person. Thankfully, I have made a quick guide of privilege-revealing phrases for your review.

"You can get that way cheaper if you just drive up to Walmart/the Farmer's Market/the Flea Market/the Consignment Shop and get . . . "

Wow. That would be awesome, if I had a car. You got time tomorrow to cart me all over?

"You can get that on ebay for way less."

Neato, but not everyone has internet access.

"You're buying prepaid VISA cards to buy things online? That's such a rip, just use your PayPal/debit card."

Wow. That would be awesome, if I had a bank account. Which I can't have because of things like garnishment.

"Allergies? Just buy hypoallergenic soap and laundry detergent."

Twice as expensive and hard to find.

"Just make your own bread and make lentil stew. It's healthier and cheaper."

How much time do you think I have on my hands? And that's assuming I have access to the ingredients (move into a poor neighborhood, then check out the grocery options within walking distance) and the materials needed to do such a thing.

That's the short list, btw, of the privilege spewed on the heads of the poor every day. If those things come out of your mouth, either shut up or give up your car, your job, your bank account and your good credit and come live with us. You might even learn something.

Three Words Went In, Only One Came Out

One of these men is probably my boss.

This conversation actually happened.

60 year old partner at a law firm: "There" is spelled t-h-e-i-r. You keep misspelling it." *Points to sentence that beings There are . . .*

Me: "That's one way of spelling it, sure."

60 year old partner at a law firm: *Gives me a weird look and walks away.*

It took me several minutes to realize that my boss clearly thinks that their, there and they're were involved in a Highlander/Thunderdome style deathmatch, in which three words went in, but only one word came out. And that victorious word was "their".

He gets paid 1,000 times what I do.