Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Does It Jiggle? Be Ashamed!

My breasts defy your rules!

I am quite thin. As in jutting collar bones and clearly discernible hipbones thin. Yet I am still a woman and when I move, things jiggle and bounce. My breasts bounce, my rear wiggles, my thighs jiggle a bit. It's part and parcel of being a woman- your body gets jiggy whether you do or not.

So when I read this (below) about body parts jiggling and strapping them down with extreme prejudice, I had to both laugh and fume. Laugh because I don't care how much duct tape you use, jiggling will occur, and fume because the female body is what is and I'm sick to death of being told all the ways I should be ashamed of it, and all the effort I should put into hiding it. If someone's not mocking my hair, some other asshat is advising multiple bras to keep my breasts from being breasts. Hello! They're fat and glands held in by nothing but skin, what do think is going to happen when I move? Oh, and nipples? Yeah, they happen. Get over it.

The congregation I attend has congregational dancing on Shabbat These are the guidelines for modesty while dancing. :D As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion (modesty) Proverbs 11:22

Or has breasts and dares to leave them untaped!

(I'm just hitting the highlights of this ridiculous list. It's much longer than what appears here.)

Shirts/Blouses/Dress Tops Must not cling to reveal or accentuate the roundness of your breasts, or the curvature of your figure.

How on earth, where on earth, do I find a top that doesn't "cling", "reveal" or "accentuate" what is sticking out from my ribcage? Think about that for a second. During the winter, I frequently wrap a pashmina* around myself, and even with a big swathe of fabric loosely draped around my shoulders, you can still see my breasts exist, and I'm hardly busty. This would be impossible for a woman with even average size breasts.

Well, I suppose I could buy a burqa.

Skirts/Dresses & Pant suits a. Must not cling to the hips, thighs or buttocks to reveal or accentuate the curvature of roundness of them.

Again, hips and bottoms stick out. This is just, I dunno, anatomy, physics, three dimensionality. Again, the burqa is the only logical solution.

And here's the money commandment:

c. Proper Support should be worn. Applicable body parts should be anchored at all times while dancing. (May require sports bras, additional bras, control top pantyhose, etc.) General Rule of Thumb: If it jiggles or bounces, even slightly strap it down. To ensure modesty, a bra that is fiber lined will prevent unwanted protrusions from being visible under blouses.

As I mentioned above, even I jiggle and bounce. A woman of healthy weight much more so. This is a direct command to be uncomfortable, unhealthy and ashamed. Seriously, "additional bras"? I'm not even sure how one wears more than one bra at a time unless they are suggesting a sports bra on top of a regular bra, and then I don't see how anyone is breathing. Control top pantyhose? Ever worn those**? Again, no breathing. "Unwanted protusions"? Oh, right, erect nipples.

I have a solution. The burqa. It's clearly where you are going, just stop tormenting your female congregants with control tops and multiple bras and go with the burqa.

Really, who wrote this out? And how much fapping interrupted this screed?

Who may ascend into the hill of the L-rd? Or who may stand in His Holy Place? He (she) who has clean hands and a pure heart. Psalms 24:4

And duct tape around their breasts.

*My boss' wife picks out the nicest Christmas gifts!

** I have no idea why anyone makes control top pantyhose in my size, but they almost all are control top.


  1. Damn God and his alluring design...

    To all the rib bones out there: resist the urge to feel ashamed of how hot you are.

  2. God: Hmmm . . . you know, I'm gonna make this version all jiggly- and then tell them to be ashamed of all the jiggliness.

    Satan: What do you even need me for, anyway?

  3. God: I need you to make men think jiggling is sexy.

    Satan: Well... maybe if we covered everything so it seems forbidden...

  4. God: Ha! I'll just make them find jiggling sexy as part of their nature- and then forbid them to like it.

    Satan: Again, what exactly is my place in all this?

  5. God: Well, if they're going to worship me, they need someone else to blame.

    Satan: What the hell... why is it hot in here all of a sudden?

  6. "(May require sports bras, additional bras,"

    Oh. My. God.


    Since I need new work clothes, my shopping list is now as follows:

    duct tape, lots of duct tape
    sports bras
    additional bras
    pantyhose (*shiver*)
    a girdle
    more duct tape-

    Oh fuck it, I'm quitting my job and never leaving my house again.

  7. A rule of thumb I was told, quite seriously, was that clothing on a woman can curve out, away from the body, but not back in. So a well endowed woman would have her dress go straight down from her nipples to the floor I guess. Certainly a step on the modesty spectrum towards a burka.

  8. Let's just negate everything that is associated with femaleness. Men are the default human beings, we must never forget this.

    Good grief.

    (Just for good measure, I should point out that my seriously observant Orthodox pal wears the most attractive clothing. She's got this classic hourglass figure and I think if anyone ever told her it was shameful, she would laugh at them and then hit them.)

  9. Much simpler solution: blindfolds.
    On the men.

  10. \

    atheists, we're gonna cut off your heads...


  11. Maybe this is passive-aggressive homo-erotica for men...

  12. The author of this piece would never be able to become an artist. Normal artists draw the body shape first to get proportions and pose right and then layer clothing and detail over the top of it. This person would be forced to start with an amorphous blob, and then... no wait, that's actually an accurate description of their version of "modesty."

    It sounds like they want to go back to the old victorian girdle, but rather than putting it around the waist and making it hard to breathe, they'd rather see it directly around the lungs. Because if she's not suffocating, she's a tramp...

    And as for the hips: it's not even possible to hide those. The pelvis is made out of bone, people, and the hips are wider than any other part of your body, on men as well as women. If your clothing doesn't "cling" to your hips, your bloody pants fall down. And, shot-in-the-dark here, I'm guessing Mr/Mrs Modesty doesn't encourage that.

  13. Uzza - YES!!! blindfolds for perverts!

    that should SO seriously be a movement!!!

    so; this is why i had to stop dancing. i was GOOD at ballet, jazz and tap [i HATE modern]. but... there isn't a bra in the WORLD that will make my balloons not bounce. i wear a FF, people! when i was dancing, i was 5'8", 125 pounds, and wore a 32FF bra. half my WEIGHT was on my CHEST! there is NOTHING, not even a BURKA, that will hide it. i know - i've TRIED.

    but FUCK "hiding" it. didn't someone say "don't hide your light under a bushel"? more importantly, i'm pagan. i worship nekkid. duct tape is STOOPID, as are bras and panty-hose, at worship.


  14. I've been thinking about this post, trying to figure out why people this repressed want to dance in the first place, and trying to picture just exactly what they would actually do on a dance floor.
    Not a pretty sight.

  15. Remember Darlin' Clementine and her herring boxes (on her feet)? A colorful, and nicely lined corrugated box should fit the bill for a top, with a flowing undercurtain of loose fabric for the bottom.

    By the way, I have to laugh when considering the image of certain 300 lb (~ 150 Kg) men whose adiposity overlaps the belt buckle. What kind of trusses have been identified as proper attire for those poor dancin' fools?


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