My Lips Are a Veritable Cesspool

What is the most important thing about me? Is it my generosity, my kindness, my intelligence, my patience, my sense of humor?

What is the greatest gift of myself I could give another person? My time, my loyalty, my love?

I actually called my husband and asked him these questions. He declined to pick any one thing out of the first list (that is kind of a minefield of a question), but for greatest gift he listened to the three options and said, "Yes."

So then I asked him if my first kiss, had I not recklessly squandered it at age 15 on a boy named Jake, would have been better.

His reply: "Will you stop reading those fucking fundy blogs? A kiss lasts, what, five minutes if you're really pushing it, you've been with me for how long? Going on 14 years now? I'd say putting up with me for that long is better than some kiss!" long pause "Not that you're bad kisser or anything. Your kisses are great! I gotta go." click

His greatest gift to me is probably putting up with those sorts of phone calls, but I digress.

What my husband values most about me are not physical qualities. Which is a damn good thing, because let me tell you, the view from 35 is getting a bit wrinkly.

So why is it that the fundamentalists, who are so much more moral than you and I, value most the physical? Why is the most important thing about a woman whether or not her lips have ever touched another's? Why is that the greatest gift?

I have kept my lips pure. I have never kissed another guy – besides my dad and brothers (and those are only on the cheek :) – and I don’t plan to, either…until that special moment at the altar. After we say ‘I do’…after the pastor says ‘You may kiss your bride’…and after my husband raises my veil. Then, and only then, am I going to give that man one of the greatest gifts I have.

Honey, that's really sad. I know I heartlessly mocked your "fictional", but you have so much more to offer than your "pure" lips. You are a person, with ideas and dreams and qualities so much more valuable than that one moment your lips become diseased, polluted cesspools of impurity. (Might I suggest Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush lip gloss in Mega Melon to deal with the disgusting lips you will have after that? During the Semi Annual Sale, it's only $1.75!*)

I just . . . sweetie . . . there is so much more to you than whether or not your lips have contacted a man's lips. I find you thoroughly obnoxious and I can see that. Why can't you?

I would encourage you to remember – and I guarantee this! – that your husband will delight in your kiss even more, knowing that no other man has touched your lips. That he is the only one who has known the delight of your kiss. And that he is the only one who will ever have that privilege.

Well, she guaranteed . . . I called my husband back and asked him if he would have delighted in being the only one who had ever delighted in my kiss (wow, she is a terrible writer) and after he got done working that one out, he said, "No, what do I care what you did before you met me?" So, Raquel, what do I get? Your guarantee was invalid for spouses equal to mine, so what now?

If I was part of the ‘dating scene’ – always having a new boyfriend, not having my parents involved in my relationship(s) and letting my boyfriend have too much freedom in touching me – what would happen to the sweetness of keeping myself for my husband? It would be…hurtful…sad…and could even lead to marriage problems. The same goes for him. If he and his girlfriend took too much freedom in expressing their ‘like’ for each other, how would that make me feel? Put yourself in that story…

Well, for values of spouses equal to my husband and me, the story's okay. But thanks for assuming that our relationship is a morass of pain and problems due my rank, tainted, revolting lips. 14 years in August, honey, call me back when you've been married that long.



*That comes off like I'm getting paid, but no, I'm just really excited about getting great lip gloss for less than $2.

Words Have Meanings: Unique

This is the most joyous creature on earth. Starting now, I am the founder of a religion that promises each truly true believer their own sloth.

Unique: Characteristic of a particular category, condition, or locality: a problem unique to coastal areas.

In fairness, the above is the third definition of unique, because that is the way it is being used in the post I am snarking on. I am all about the fairness.

As used above, "unique" denotes something that can only be applied to the thing in question. Hurricanes are problems unique to coastal regions. Hurricanes don't form over land, so you won't see hurricanes in Indiana or Iowa, for example. (Um, Germany?, for the Europeans.) This is important, because if you say certain characteristics are unique to a specific group or place, you can't use characteristics that can apply to anyone or anywhere. If you do, I can only assume that either you don't know what "unique" means, or that you have a rather odd view of other groups. I'm going with the latter.

The Unique Characteristics of a Godly Woman:

Here are some characteristics of a godly woman--check off the ones that describe you:

• Gracious

I'm an atheist and I'm gracious! [checks definition of "gracious"] Well, at least some of the time. We'll give that one a half check.

• Virtuous

No. I'm not that, not by the stretch of anyone's imagination.

• Sober

Yes, actually. Drinking alcohol while taking Vicodin is a good way to end up with liver failure.

• Chaste

BWAHAHAHAHA- um, no.

• Prudent

I am probably the most practical person you know. In fact, that is why I did not major in philosophy. I love philosophy, but I am simply too practical to really engage a discussion of whether or not the real world is the really real world.

• Discreet

Well, it's not like I have sex in public, except that one time, in the park . . . okay, no.

• Peaceable

Fuck yeah! Seriously, I think pacifism is the solution to a lot of humanity's problems. I'm just too practical to think it's a workable solution.

• Patient

That I most definitely am.

• Kind

Yes. I am kind.

• Faithful

To what? God? No. My friends, my beliefs, my principals, few as they are? Yes.

• Joyful

Overall, yes.

• Good

Now I'm getting all kinds of offended. Only Christian women are good? How rude!

• Merciful

I haven't set anyone on fire yet. Considering the provocations, that's damn merciful.

• Pleasant

That's really a question for people who interact with me.

• Ready

O.o

• Honorable

Yes. I'm not sure the writer would accept my personal sense of honor as such, but she didn't define "honor" for me, so I'm giving this one a check.

• Benevolent

You know, that's an odd word to describe a person with. Usually you see "benevolent" used to describe dictators or gods.

• Keeper at Home

Typing this at work, so, no.

• In Subjection

To what?

• Quiet Spirit

If my spirit were any louder, you'd all be deaf.

• Modest

What definition? How she is no doubt defining "modesty", purely on the basis of skirt lengths and such, no, but what about the real definition of "modest"? I had a heck of a time saying "yes" to any of this stuff, and it's all positive, or meant to be, so . . . another half check.

• Obedient

To what? The laws of the US? Yes.

• Loves husband and children

Who the fuck doesn't love at least their children? That's got to be the most insulting thing I've ever read. Only Christian women love their husbands and children? Fuck you!

• Teaching the younger women

Doing so right now, asshat. As we speak. So, ha!

Inside a Man's Mind: Modesty, Part II

Taken from here. Part I of my fisk here.

In my last post I described how I went from being completely oblivious to the issue of modesty to completely awestruck with how significant of a principle it is. I was "awestruck" for a number of reasons.

QUOTATION MARKS ARE NOT DECORATIONS.

First of all, I wondered how I could have lived 21 years of my life without once considering whether or not there was a right and wrong when it came to dress.

No, you did not. I imagine you knew that some items of clothing are considered appropriate to some situations where others are not. Stop lying.

Secondly, I was amazed by the beauty of it all.

Can we say "fetish", children?

As you may recall, in my last post I recounted my first encounter with my future wife and her sister sitting across the room from me at a scripture study and what my initial reaction was to their appearance. In my ignorance, I could not conceive of any rational reason that would drive two young ladies to show up to a college scripture study in ankle length, floral pattern jumpers.

Neither can I. There are so many ways to be modest without resorting to something that hideous, if the Muslim women in my area are any guide.

Not only had I never seen anyone don such apparel,

or "wear jumpers"

I honestly didn't know if I ever cared to see it again - not because it was displeasing to my eye, but because it was displeasing to my heart. Why you ask?

I just assumed it was because jumpers are tragic.

Look, I went to Catholic schools growing up. I wore jumpers in blue plaid, jumpers in grey plaid, jumpers in brown plaid and jumpers in green plaid. They're horrid items of clothing, uncomfortable and unflattering. If there is a dress code in hell (assuming hell exists, of course) it involves jumpers.

Seeing them "set apart" in their dress made me uncomfortable - more uncomfortable that I cared to admit at the time. I was used to the short shorts, the tight tops, and the form fitting everything else. I had become much too well acquainted with this sort of revealing dress and if I would have been honest with myself, I would have confessed that it had done nothing but aid in the development of many of the vile affections that then abided in my heart.

Bitches always tempting me! I am a man, I should not be held responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions, damnit!

Scanning the room that night, my eyes came into contact with something that absolutely shook the foundations of my pitiable understanding concerning the issue of dress.

I can just imagine that moment. Don't you feel like this is what happens when Tim Gunn sees the perfect dress made of garbage bags and dead sewer rats? ("This week, you'll be making a business suit using only broken dreams and empty promises.")

As it was, however, I quickly took shelter in counsel of my heart (not the safest place to be) and reemerged from this cellar like nothing had ever happened.

Dude, you know, I love me some clothes, but wtf is wrong with you? I've seen less overwrought descriptions of visions of Hell.

To be sure, I could not deny that there had been an earthquake, but it hadn't phased me. Strange that it even shook me at all. And so, I settled myself by allowing a single word to characterize what I had seen - weird. Case closed. Back to the real world.

It was strange that an earthquake shook you?

Fast forward almost a year later and I was to discover that this earthquake had aftershocks like you wouldn't believe. Passing through the room of this same scripture study, I spotted one of these young ladies (Caroline in this instance) sitting meekly in the corner and the words came to my mind so clearly, "That is the sort of woman you ought to marry."

Meek: Easily imposed on; submissive. Yeah, aren't you just a pleasant fellow.

I had come a looooong way - from "weird" to to wedlock. Now, what I would have you to understand is that I wasn't contemplating marriage on account of what Caroline was wearing, but how she wore it. Her clothing was modest, yes, but more importantly, she was modest. This was what I had but dimly apprehended at the first. My wife was not wearing jumpers because she liked them (she didn't and still does not)

That is so sad. I can understand having standards of dress. I can understand having difficulty finding clothes you like, or that fit or that you can afford. But to where clothes you hate when you could be wearing clothes that make you happy- it's like eating only cream of wheat and never anything with flavor, on purpose.

or because she believed them to be particularly fashionable (they passed out of vogue, oh, some 30 years ago), but because she felt that they were accessory to a modest spirit (that, and they were all her mother could sew at the time, it being very difficult to find anything in the department store agreeable to modest deportment.)

Couldn't she or her mother find another pattern, or visit another store? I see plenty of modestly dressed women during my day and not a one of them is dressed in a jumper. There's no reason for that other than to mark yourself out as being loudly modest.

Here follows a very long, very ignorant discourse on why jumpers are good, but hijab and plain are bad. If you can make heads or tails of it (other than "things I like are good, things I don't like are bad") please let me know.

Then comes this:

After meeting Caroline and her family, I was introduced to quite a few other ladies who were careful and considerate of their appearance - not too be revealing with the clothing they wore. Not all of them were modest. The one's that were the most modest in their dress were, in many instances, the least modest, if you follow me.

It's not enough to put on a jumper and assume you're good enough for me! You're going to have to work harder than that!

I could go on and on about why I think this is, but I shan't, for the Modest Mom says I should draw this post to a close.

When the meekly meekest meek woman tells you to shut the fuck up, you really need to shut the fuck up.

I hope you will not take my comments as license to dress like everyone else for they are in no way intended to encourage such a course, for although it is possible to be truly immodest while modestly dressed, it is impossible to be immodestly dressed and truly modest.

I think they may require some sort of chart to follow.

No, my post is intended to encourage the cultivation of a modest spirit and all that it implies - and yes, this process involves taking a good hard look at your standards of dress and adjusting them if necessary (whether you dress modestly or not).

So . . . if I'm dressing modestly, I need to adjust my manner of dress until I am modest? lolwut?

In the end, modest clothing does not the Modest Mom make, but they are an appendage unto her.

What kind of appendage? An arm, a leg, oooh! Is it a tail? Wing? Are wings appendages?

If it were merely modest clothing that adorned my wife when first I met her, I would have dismissed her taste in clothes as sadly misinformed by some obscure, puritanical interpretation of scripture. As it was, however, she wore a meek and quiet spirit which was, and is, of great price in the sight of God, and it had the blessed effect of drawing me nearer to my Savior.

Ugh. I would hope you found your wife special. You did marry her, after all.

Inside a Man's Mind: Modesty, Part I

(sigh. I already wrote this post and then blogger killed it, so, you know.) A man's view of modesty:

I wanted to rehearse for you how I first became acquainted with the principle of modesty, how it radically altered my perspective concerning women in general, and how it has continued to shape my interaction with them.

"Rehearse"?

To be brief, my first exposure to modesty (not sure those two words are comfortable in the same sentence)

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

was upon seeing my future wife and her sister sitting across the room at a scripture study at college. I was 20 years old and I believe I can honestly say that the issue of modesty had never crossed my mind - ever. I hadn't, up to that moment, paused to consider if there was a right and a wrong when it came to dress, much less the behavior which endues our appearance with a particular spirit.

Really? You never considered if there were a right and a wrong when it came to dress? Not ever? So you felt perfectly free to wear saran wrap to a wedding, huh? C'mon now.

So, there they were, meekly

Get used to that word, "meek(ly)". He likes it. A lot.

seated across the room from me, completely separate in their attire from every other young lady in the room, very nearly glowing in their probity, and I had the thought come to me, "Those girls are just plain WEIRD."

". . . glowing in their probity"? You know, I have a permanent crick in my neck from looking sideways at this sort of writing, as if it might help to view them from a 45 degree angle. It doesn't.

Perhaps not the epiphany you were expecting. Something significant, though, had happened to me, something which set the stage for the cluster of revelations which were to come regarding this issue - I had actually seen modesty, and everything it implies, with my own eyes.

Dude, it's a woman in a jumper, not the Ark of the Covenant. Calm down.

Strange as it was to my carnal mind at the time, it was undeniable in its distinctiveness - that is, there were definite, purposeful motivations driving the young ladies to dress as they did, and in the nearly abandoned, certainly neglected center of my heart, I knew it.

Or they have no sense of style. Pick one.

It would take me another year or so to acknowledge this and summon the courage to ask at least one of the young ladies - WHY?

WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FREAK?!*

If I shared all of what transpired on this little journey of my mine, it would make for lengthy reading.

Considering the length of the two posts he wrote on the subject, I can only imagine what he considers length- long. Long is a fine word. I never met an adverb I didn't like and you're pissing me off.

Suffice it to say that only God could have arranged matters in such a way that a year later, I found myself the head of a small group study with a certain young lady assigned as one of my "students."

Yes, because in a small city with a limited number of people meeting your definition of Christianity it is absurd that you would run into her again. The odds were like, what, 95% that you would? Had to be god. Also, the sarcastiquotes around student make me uncomfortable. "Oh, yeah, she was quite a student, yes she was."

I expect it is rare when a teacher learns more from his student than she from him, but such was my experience over the course of the next few months.

No, this is a fairly common sentiment among teachers.

I am not ashamed to admit this, but I sat at my future wife's feet that semester and was schooled in the ways purity.

Is there any part of this story that isn't going to sound like poorly written BDSM erotica?

She never would have done this had I not been so inquisitive. By this time, the thought in my heart concerning her appearance had greatly matured from "strange" to "I absolutely must know why this lovely young lady dresses, no, more than dresses, IS the way she is! What scriptural exegetic is she tapping that drives her to live thus?!" I was transfixed by her "way of life" and I absolutely had to get to the "why" and "what for" behind it. Her answer came with a gentle and quiet confidence, "It's really quite simple..."

And it is, and always will be.

Look, I'm not going to question what attracts one person to another. You may look at a square-jawed, clean shaven GQ sort with neatly cut hair and think "Hot!" while I'm salivating over the guy with the stubble and the unkempt hair and the dirty jeans and that's okay. There's no right or wrong to it.

So I don't care that jumpers turn this guy on. More power to you, buddy. What does bother me, among other things, is this apparent assertion that his turn on is a commandment from god we should all be following.

You see, as I scheduled a curious number of group "discussions" that semester,

Was it 7? I've always thought that 7 was a particularly curious number.

I took the opportunity to probe Caroline

LOL!

concerning the decisions she had made concerning her walk with God. Nearly all of her decisions could be viewed as accessory to her decision for modesty.

So I guess she wasn't helping the poor or comforting the sick, huh?

In other words, her decision for modesty governed her decisions in many other areas of Christian import. Having said that, modesty itself is an appendage to femininity and femininity to godliness.

Hee! I'm so feminine, I'm lucky I haven't transmogrified into Barbie and I'm an immodest atheist. But thanks for the diesel dyke reference there.

Caroline never came right out and said this, (would never have even thought it) but what I kept hearing throughout our discussions was, "I am a woman, made in the image of God, and if you were a true man of God, you would treat me, with all dignity and honor, according to the rights and privileges afforded to me by my Creator."

The right to wear ugly clothes and the privilege to be submissive to men.

This was completely new to me. I just thought that, well, I'm not sure what I thought about women. With a few notable exceptions (my mother, grandmother, precious few church women) seeing women aspire to and attain unto every role men traditionally displaced was all that I had ever known.

Fucking bitches, thinking they can be doctors and lawyers and mow the lawn and fix the leaky toilet! How dare they? I have a penis, damnit, and I should get to be superior to half the population just by an accident of birth. Why should I have try at things and earn people's respect and praise? Whores!

Even most of the dwindling number of housewives in my experience looked and acted like feminine men with slightly longer hair.

Given that men and women are both human, what exactly is the difference other than that, really? I mean, what do you want? Oh, right, jumpers. Submission. Meek.

Yet here I was was talking with a woman who hadn't the slightest desire to look, act, or compete with, me. And bless God, it affected her appearance (for the better I might say ; ).

Hur! Ugly feminist lesbos, hur!

Side note: remove "or compete" and what he said was "look or act with me". Okay then. I can see why you wouldn't want me in the game with you. I'd trounce you in the first five seconds and spend the rest of the time making fun of your shirt.

That's really what it is, what all this boils down to, isn't it? He knows he's not the smartest person around, not the most accomplished, probably a bit lazy, and it just grates on him, all those women outshining him effortlessly. Don't they know he's better than they are? Don't they know that having a penis is supposed to be an automatic win? Sluts.

Now, hear me, I have no desire to disparage any of the other young ladies that I attended the scripture study with for I believed, and still believe them to be sincere in their devotion to Christ and they blessed me in many ways.

But they are ugly and probably lesbians.

When I think of my wife, however, in chastity, virtue, and yes, modesty, my heart can only borrow the words of King Lemuel's mother, "...but thou excellest them all." It was on account of these undeniable qualities which my eventual wife exhibited that completely captivated my heart, and I, with much trembling, resolved to win her.

It proved only to be the beginning.

Read that last line in movie guy voice. It's awesome.

Wait until I snift? no. fist? no. oh, fisk, that's right. Part two. Most of it is a bizarrely ignorant rant about Muslims and the Amish. Yes, the Amish.

*Sorry, I'm eating falafel in a pita as I type this, which apparently makes me a bit shouty. OM NOM NOM NOM.

I Will Victimize You With This Post

[trigger warning: modesty, rape. please enjoy this immodest, nonrapey otter instead.]

I just victimized you. Just now. Look at the picture of my boobs again- and I victimized you twice in 10 seconds.

Of course, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you've seen them before, and you don't consider seeing my boobs to be an aggressive move on my part. Your reaction was probably "meh", "nice!" or "Oh, c'mon, again?"

If you were raised in the fundamentalism subculture, however, as millions of Americans were and are, you would see my choice of clothing, the way I move, my body itself as assaultive towards you. Assuming you are a man, of course. (Since women have no sex drive and only have sex in exchange for shelter and food, men can't assault us with their sexiness.*) Men are not responsible for their own actions, and lust is a sin, which creates a situation where, if a man finds a woman vaguely attractive, it's because she is a WHORE and she is flaunting her WHOREisness in front of the innocent mens.

This creates some frightening beliefs and attitudes, btw. Some of these men are angry, which makes sense, really. If you believe that lust is evil and that women are responsible for your thoughts and feelings and actions, you would be constantly angry. You would be angry at every woman in a tank top, every woman in a short skirt, every woman whose breasts bounce** as she moves, every woman whose hips sway as she walks**- in other words, every woman.

And you would be angry at the fact that you can't control it at all. You can't control how women dress or move. You can't control where they walk in those low cut shirts and short skirts.

Here are some comments that reflect that anger from the modesty survey at Rebelution:

Saddened; disappointed; sometimes angered. They're distracting good men, dishonoring God and marriage, and offering themselves cheaply---which makes me desire even more strongly a girl who is modest, who is valuable. I would be disingenuous if I didn't concede that these kinds of girls are a temptation. But I always remind myself that if a girl flaunts herself before I marry her, she'll do the same thing afterward. As a husband, that would make me pretty mad.What would make me happy is dedicating all my energy to loving a young woman who reserves herself for me.

It's not their body to flaunt. It belongs to Christ and their future husband. How dare they flaunt something that God did not permit them to flaunt? How dare they write a check the Bible doesn't allow them to cash? When a girl purposely flaunts her body, she is almost immediately ruled out for anything beyond acquantenance in my eyes.

Yes, you can turn me on, but don't expect me to respect you. Yes, I might find you attractive on the outside, but that won't make me think of you as attractive on the inside. Sure you might get my attention, but it will be negative attention.Men are easily stimulated visually. It doesn't take rocket science to figure that out. But this leads to lust - not love.Love is a commitment. In order to get a commitment from a guy, he needs to perceive you as respectable and of immeasurable worth. Flaunting your body communicates that you don't have a lot of self-worth. God made women and by flaunting their bodies, they are insulting the creator and cheapening his invaluable creation.

It's not my body to flaunt. It's God's body, it's my (future) husband's body, but it's not mine. I just live in it.

So, how many steps do you suppose are between that and rape? One, maybe two? I mean, it's not my body and I'm hurting every man who can see me, so . . . let's teach me a lesson, huh? I mean, I am flaunting and dishonoring my (future) husband and GOD and cheapening myself so I must want to fuck every guy in the world and men aren't responsible for their actions and . . . rape.

Funny thing, Rebelution, sexual assault is higher in countries that do control what women wear and where they go, like Saudi Arabia***. You won't see anything of a woman but her eyes, no bouncing, no swaying, nothing but black fabric broken only by a tiny mesh window. And sexual assault is far more prevalent than in the US.

Why is that? Because the entirety of Saudi Arabia has bought the lie that women are responsible for how men feel and act and that men carry no responsibility for their feelings and actions, which sexual assault is always whose fault? I'll give you a hint: not the one doing the assaulting.

Look, I'm not feeling bad for rapists, and I'd like pictures of the men who gave those comments so I know whom to avoid, but I feel bad for them, too. According to their upbringing, they are constantly being victimized. They are the victim of virtually every woman they see. That must really suck.

Psst . . . guys! Yeah, you. Feminism can help you. No, really. Once you understand that feelings are okay and you are responsible for your own actions and that women's bodies belong to the women and nobody else, you will stop being a victim. You'll feel so much better, I promise.

Well, I doubt any of those guys saw that, but let's keep saying it. Eventually someone stuck as an eternal victim will hear it, statistically speaking or something. At the very least, our children will hear it and that's a start.

*HAHAHAHAHAHA!

**These things are unavoidable. The construction of breasts, the way they are attached to the chest, their composition, makes bouncing and bobbling unavoidable. As to hips, I honestly don't know how not to sway a bit when I walk. I mean, my hips are 11" bigger than my waist, I think swaying is also unavoidable given that build.

***Official statistics put Saudi Arabia at the lowest per capita, with a rate of .003 per 1,000. This is because fornication is punishable by death, and rape counts as fornication. Private, anonymous surveys show that as many as 80% of women were sexually assaulted in some way at some point in their lives.

Promoting Modesty in Toddlers

This is not sexy. I feel dirty even pointing that out.

If you spend any amount of time in fundyland, even just as an internet tourist, you know how obsessed fundys of every religion are with the female body and how it should be covered. There is no end to it. (Even the Catholics are back to arguing over head coverings in church- for women, of course.) And here is the natural progression of that obsession: concern over whether or not toddler girls are sufficiently modest.

Anyone who has spent any amount of time with small children knows two things: 1) Toddlers find no shame in the naked human form, and 2) most children prefer to be naked. I can't say I blame them, to be honest. Most clothing is constrictive and itchy to me*, it's probably at least as uncomfortable for small children with their sensitive skin and inability to communicate effectively.

Toddlers are not sexual in any way, shape or form. Toddlers masturbate because it feels good, not because they want to have sex. Toddlers get naked because that feels good, not because they want to entice anyone. Should we teach toddlers to keep their clothes on, at least in public?Absolutely. But only for the same reason we teach them not to hit people and to pee only in certain designated areas- so they can interact properly in society. Not because they might entice people to lust.

Here is a question for you. How do you promote, encourage and even enforce modesty in your toddler girl?

Some of us are born with girls who have no problem keeping their clothing on and even don't care whether you put them in a dress or a jogging suit.

Some are born with girls who are fashionistas at birth and have very strong opinions about what to wear, even if it's just fairy wings.

Some have little girls who can't seem to keep clothing on! Or at the very least, they have no problem lifting up their dresses or shirts to show off tummy or more! And there's always the potential for a dripping wet streak out of the bathtub, or the fanny flash off the potty training toilet.

A part of me thinks that they're just 2 (or 1 or 3) and they have no idea. They're just babies, so who cares about their nudity. Another part of me knows that modesty must start somewhere and there are just way too many perverts out there, or even people who simply do find it some form of a stumbling block. [emphasis added]

Anyone who finds a naked toddler to be a "stumbling block", i.e., a turn on, is a pedophile, as in the aforementioned "pervert". Pedophiles are sick and they don't need a fanny flash to get turned on. The rest of us look at a child streaking through Walmart naked** and think, "Man, I do not miss those days." Never mind the fact that she's only concerned with female toddler nudity, as if pedophiles are solely attracted to girls. They are not. (See: pretty much every molestation accusation concerning Catholic priests.)

Seriously, your religion is making you sick if you think of nude toddlers in terms of sex. You are beyond sick if you think the problem is with the toddler.

*I think my increasing sensitivity to everything is just an outgrowth of the chronic pain, but it's gotten seriously obnoxious to have to put back 90% of clothing that fits me (which is hard enough to find) because it's scratchy or constrictive, knowing full well I'm the only person on Earth this irritated by it.

**Trufax, this happened to me. I turned my head for 20 seconds in the frozen foods aisle to find the pizza we like and turned back to see a pile of clothes where my 2-year-old niece had been.

Does It Jiggle? Be Ashamed!

My breasts defy your rules!

I am quite thin. As in jutting collar bones and clearly discernible hipbones thin. Yet I am still a woman and when I move, things jiggle and bounce. My breasts bounce, my rear wiggles, my thighs jiggle a bit. It's part and parcel of being a woman- your body gets jiggy whether you do or not.

So when I read this (below) about body parts jiggling and strapping them down with extreme prejudice, I had to both laugh and fume. Laugh because I don't care how much duct tape you use, jiggling will occur, and fume because the female body is what is and I'm sick to death of being told all the ways I should be ashamed of it, and all the effort I should put into hiding it. If someone's not mocking my hair, some other asshat is advising multiple bras to keep my breasts from being breasts. Hello! They're fat and glands held in by nothing but skin, what do think is going to happen when I move? Oh, and nipples? Yeah, they happen. Get over it.

The congregation I attend has congregational dancing on Shabbat These are the guidelines for modesty while dancing. :D As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, So is a lovely woman who lacks discretion (modesty) Proverbs 11:22

Or has breasts and dares to leave them untaped!

(I'm just hitting the highlights of this ridiculous list. It's much longer than what appears here.)

Shirts/Blouses/Dress Tops Must not cling to reveal or accentuate the roundness of your breasts, or the curvature of your figure.

How on earth, where on earth, do I find a top that doesn't "cling", "reveal" or "accentuate" what is sticking out from my ribcage? Think about that for a second. During the winter, I frequently wrap a pashmina* around myself, and even with a big swathe of fabric loosely draped around my shoulders, you can still see my breasts exist, and I'm hardly busty. This would be impossible for a woman with even average size breasts.

Well, I suppose I could buy a burqa.

Skirts/Dresses & Pant suits a. Must not cling to the hips, thighs or buttocks to reveal or accentuate the curvature of roundness of them.

Again, hips and bottoms stick out. This is just, I dunno, anatomy, physics, three dimensionality. Again, the burqa is the only logical solution.

And here's the money commandment:

c. Proper Support should be worn. Applicable body parts should be anchored at all times while dancing. (May require sports bras, additional bras, control top pantyhose, etc.) General Rule of Thumb: If it jiggles or bounces, even slightly strap it down. To ensure modesty, a bra that is fiber lined will prevent unwanted protrusions from being visible under blouses.

As I mentioned above, even I jiggle and bounce. A woman of healthy weight much more so. This is a direct command to be uncomfortable, unhealthy and ashamed. Seriously, "additional bras"? I'm not even sure how one wears more than one bra at a time unless they are suggesting a sports bra on top of a regular bra, and then I don't see how anyone is breathing. Control top pantyhose? Ever worn those**? Again, no breathing. "Unwanted protusions"? Oh, right, erect nipples.

I have a solution. The burqa. It's clearly where you are going, just stop tormenting your female congregants with control tops and multiple bras and go with the burqa.

Really, who wrote this out? And how much fapping interrupted this screed?

Who may ascend into the hill of the L-rd? Or who may stand in His Holy Place? He (she) who has clean hands and a pure heart. Psalms 24:4

And duct tape around their breasts.

*My boss' wife picks out the nicest Christmas gifts!

** I have no idea why anyone makes control top pantyhose in my size, but they almost all are control top.

Unnaturally Revealing

It's like there's some sort of cycle when it comes to flaunting my breasts on this blog. Nothing will come up that demands it (I refuse to simply flaunt for no reason. Hell's a classy place, after all.) , and then several things in a row will force me to splash my breasts all over the internet.

Take for example, a new survey on modesty:

Administered by a Christian website, the survey questions were submitted by “Christian girls” who wanted to know what “Christian guys” think is modest. 1,600 guys then answered the survey, offering both quantitative and qualitative answers.

95% of those guys agree or strongly agree that modesty is an important quality in a future wife. How do they define modesty:

Something that is immodest is something that is designed to arouse lust within me (male, age 24).

Something that is immodest is something that is unnaturally revealing (male, age 20).

Something immodest draws attention to a girl’s body (male, age 28).

"Designed to arouse lust"? What does that mean? What if the clothing is not "designed" to arouse lust, but it does anyway? Does that count? How is that my problem, anyway? "Unnaturally revealing" is even worse. What is naturally revealing? "Draws attention to a girl's body"? As in . . . clothing?

Something attractive draws you toward them. It makes you respect the person. Something immodest is usually unattractive. It makes you think less of that person, thinking of them as an object… (male, age 16).

Actually, I shouldn't have to "make" you treat another human being with respect. You should be able to treat anyone, dressed any way with respect.

My responsibility is to not treat women as objects for my satisfaction, even if they dress and act like it. It devalues them, and makes me a user of people… (male, age 26).

Translation: I have to treat sluts like ladies, even if all they deserve is a gang rape in an alley. I'm not feeling generous.

So, to get more specific so we can ensure that male, age 16 and male, age 26 are treating us with respect, a breakdown of what is and is not unnaturally revealing:

Haltertops: 75% say are immodest

Miniskirts: 93% immodest

44% say decorative stitching on the back pockets of jeans are immodest

19% say a pocket on the chest of a shirt is immodest, 25% aren't sure whether that pocket is immodest or not.

Purses worn across the body are immodest to almost half of respondents. Seriously, you're calling for a burqa at this point, boys.

Tights with designs on them are too much for 39% of respondents.

Amost 50% feel a shirt with a design across the chest is immodest.

So, yeah, burqas.

But there's more. Modesty isn't just a matter of a loose, plain t-shirt, a long skirt and nonpatterned tights, it's behavior, too. A mental burqa, if you will.

An immodest lady is loud, proud, and dresses in a way that communicates such an attitude (male, age 24).

Something becomes immodest when the person wearing it has an attitude of carelessness (male, age 17).

If you are dressing to get attention from a guy, then anything you wear can be immodest (male, age 13; my emphasis).

Loud and proud are immodest. Carelessness is immodest. Anything at all is immodest. (Though to be fair, that last one is the opinion of a boy at an age where a blank sheet of paper can cause an erection.) Still, proud? Proud? Pride is immodest?

Walking, bending over to pick something up, stretching, breasts bouncing as you walk (mine do that, and they aren't big. this basically requires that women not move.), are all immodest. Why are you moving, girl?! What possible reason could you have for being so immodest? Get inside and stay there!

Check out this definition of immodesty:

Immodest: Screams that her body is different than mine. Attempts to manipulate me. Forcefully offers to trade what I want (in the flesh) for what she wants: attention (male, age 30).

Who wants to bet me $5 that this male, age 30, is a virgin and REALLY REALLY REALLY needs to get laid? Screams. Manipulate. Forcefully. Flesh. I don't need Freud to tell me what his problem is.

The bottom line here is simple. Despite Christian men's lip service to the idea that their lust is their problem, they put it on the women. Can you imagine trying to be modest according to the above rules? No pockets, no decorative stitching, no purse straps across the body. Walk modestly, if you drop something it is gone, and bind down your breasts with duct tape lest they bounce while you walk. Don't be loud, don't be proud, don't be anything at all.

Fuck that noise. You can't handle my immodest breasts and their normal reaction to gravity? Don't look.

Bathroom Signs: You Must Obey

Apparently, this is the men's bathroom.

And. . . this is the bathroom for the black Power Ranger?

The dog is holding on for now* so I thought I'd share this little bit of inanity about why women should wear dresses, even though the Bible says nothing about dresses due to the fact that dresses didn't exist in Biblical times (neither did pants):

Does it matter how we dress?
Yes! The Bible gives us several verses about how to dress. I Timothy 2:9 says that we are to dress in modest apparel. Deuteronomy 22:5 says that women should not dress in men’s clothes and men should not dress in woman’s clothes. I have heard again and again that these are girl’s pants. But ask the bathroom door to see whose clothes are whose. You could go anywhere in the world and go to the correct bathroom. Because the stick figure that wears pants is the boys, and the stick figure with a dress is the girls!

Yes, I know the stoopid burns, you should already have some aloe if you choose to visit hell. But it got me thinking: what do bathroom signs look like in cultures where men don't wear pants and women don't wear dresses, specifically any number of places in the Middle East? Turns out, you can google anything.

In the pictures above, from Qatar, the top picture is the symbol for men, the bottom symbol is the picture for women. According to our friend's "logic", we all need to put on head coverings and masks, because the bathroom sign has spoken.

*At this point, we're fighting age. Dogs' digestive tracts respond to any insult with diarrhea, which causes dehydration and eventually malnutrition. The problem with older dogs is that it's harder to get the diarrhea to stop once it really takes hold. After IV fluids, my puppy is still alert and responsive, though very tired, so the vet assures me we're not causing unnecessary suffering by intervening. For right now, we're trying Pepto Bismol. And yes, using a turkey baster to shove Pepto Bismol down an 85 lbs dog's throat is exactly as fun as you think it might be.

Bra Straps and Worse

buy a fucking burqa already!

I will preface this by saying that I know mentioning visible bra straps guarantees a certain amount of righteous anger, from the religious and nonreligious alike. I personally view bra straps the same way I view shorts: not appropriate for work and similar occasions, but on informal occasions, or when it's 95˚ outside (35˚ C), you're lucky I'm wearing clothes at all. Or unlucky, depending on how you feel about it. Bra straps are not, no matter what the writer I'm snarking on thinks, the equivalent of tattoos.

This message is only to those who want to find out more about being modest, and to those who are sincerely concerned about the amount of immodesty around us. If you basically do not believe that modesty is beautiful and that it goes hand in hand with dignity and protection, you need not read further. This article may not be what you are looking for. It is not addressed to those who are not concerned about modesty. It is not addressed to anyone who is not a member of the blood-bought church of our dear Lord. It is more precisely aimed at the faithful members of the Lord's church, who claim to have the truth in doctrine and in practice.

I'm not talking about you, you unfaithful person completely unconcerned about truth, you harlot, you black-hearted heathen, you! That entire disclaimer is a rather nasty diatribe against people who don't care as much about bra straps as she does. (Seriously, people who are attracted to the bra wearing among us, are they really that sexy? Really?)

The first picture she includes is from the late 1800s, early 1900s and depicts two women walking along the water's edge in full, head to toe, white dresses, including hats and parasols. Ignoring that fact that prior to Coco Chanel's famous tan, women desperately wanted the palest skin possible, thus ensuring a great degree of covering up, guess what those women weren't doing? Anything. They weren't swimming or building sand castles or running along the surf. They couldn't in those outfits. Which would entirely be the point, I'm sure.

The pictures here will show you a something about the way people dressed on the public beaches just a hundred years ago. There does not seem to be anything to blush about in these pictures, and it gives you an idea of the kind of manners that people used to have. They thought it was rude to expose nakedness or private parts of the body. Only the circus women would have been brazen enough to wear bras showing straps and tattoos. What was considered a bizarre, crude way of dressing a hundred years ago, is now paraded as normal. I feel sorry for the children growing up today, who see people looking the way only clowns looked in the past. Clowns these days have a lot to compete with, in order to be identified as clowns.

Circus women? Clowns? I'm both amused and appalled. Yeah, so clothing preferences are different according to time period and place. Clearly, the Lady Lydia* is referencing clothing preferences from Europe and America 100 years ago. In plenty of places 100 years ago, generally mild climates, little or no clothing at all was considered entirely polite. Why are the social mores of Europe from 100 years ago the best possible social mores? Who decides?

The popular summer style for women seems to be: two sets of straps showing on each shoulder (one set being the bra strap), one black and one white or green or whatever they have, tattoos in the blank spaces of the arms, back and chest, short-shorts, flip-flops, naked bellies and exposed chests. What little fabric they have on is drab and dull, and no one dares wear the the array of shades that nature has to offer.

The popular summer style for which women? I am a woman and while I do my share of two strappin' it(tm), and I certainly do wear flip flops, I do not wear short shorts, expose my "belly" or have tattoos. I still can't figure out why tattoos are immodest. There's really no explanation of this other than the fact that Lydia doesn't like them, therefore immodest.

What little fabric they have on is drab and dull, and no one dares wear the the array of shades that nature has to offer. "Dull" and "drab" colours are immodest? Since when? How long has it been since Lydia has been out of the house? Neon is so in these days. No matter how you feel about neon, it's hardly drab or dull.

This goes on for a while and then we get a picture labeled as natives of Sri Lanka (69.1% Buddhist)on the beach, dressed in what looks like t-shirts and longish skirts. Of course, we have no idea whether or not the Sri Lankans were merely walking past the beach or whether they could afford separate swimwear or even if Sri Lankans simply dress that way no matter what the occasion.

This is a contemporary photograph of poorer women in Sri Lanka. I have always insisted that modest dress is not a matter of wealth. It is a matter of politeness, belief, and personal dignity. Many women grew up much poorer than people are today, and still managed to keep their clothes on, keep their flesh covered, and be modest even in hot climates.

As far as I can tell, Lydia has done nothing but prove that Buddhists are more modest than American Christians. It could very well be a matter of wealth, btw. I have a very small budget for clothing, so much of what I buy is for work. Therefore, generally any time you see me, I am appropriately dressed for a law office. It's entirely possible that the pictured Sri Lankans do the same thing: they buy clothes appropriate for the fanciest place they need to go, and wear those clothes everywhere, including the beach. Who knows?

One woman has written, "I am always hopeful that someone will be converted, so I take a friend to church once in awhile. They always make a comment about the blatant amount of immodesty in the worship assembly, from bare legs, to bare backs, bare chests, bare shoulders and bare midriffs. The astonishing amount of piercings and tattoos make me think that people are going back to primitive ways, rather than progressing on to the high mark of the high calling. One friend asked me, 'Shouldn't some of the older women teach those young women about modesty?' You see, they have been reading the Bible, searching for truth. They come to assemble with believers and find out that the believers do not follow the great book they claim to believe."

The Bible doesn't have as much to say about clothing as you might think. Well, there's those 2 pages in Leviticus defining exactly what a High Priest at the Temple should be wearing, right down the pomegranate embroidery at the hem of the purple robes, but other than that. . . oh right, no mixed fabrics . . . and only hookers braid their hair. It's not much to go on, really.

The astonishing amount of piercings and tattoos make me think that people are going back to primitive ways, rather than progressing on to the high mark of the high calling. For the love of . . . Lydia, just say it. Those n**gers in Africa have those big lip things and good white people shouldn't imitate them. Good white folk should know better than to do anything those n**gers do. Yeesh. I wonder if we'll be getting a rant about "jungle music" next.

Of course we then get the standard modesty admonition to stop making men think bad thoughts, as if men need my help to do that. (Really, do these people think lust just shuts down between November and March, when everyone's covered from head to toe in fleece and wool?)

In the 1960's it was popular to be on the beaches in the hot summer in the garb of the day: small pieces of cloth barely covering private areas, called "bathers." One day, a young woman wearing a blue and white gingham peasant style dress with a hat trimmed in a matching ribbon, was seen walking barefoot on the shore. Although there were many perfect figures and sun-tanned young people on that beach, all eyes were upon this woman. Her beautiful dress was a perfect compliment to the ocean and the blue sky in the background. She wore this kind of thing to the beach because she burned so easily, but she did not let it get in the way of enjoying the elements. Although people were looking at this young lady, it was not for the wrong reasons. They were not admiring her sexiness or the size of her bust. They were admiring her romantic sweetness. We have lost our sweetness and our innocence in America today. It is up to the Christian women, the members of the church, those who have been washed in the blood of the lamb by obeying the gospel, to show a good example to the next generation.

$10 says the girl was her and that this blanket admiration was purely in her own mind.

I'm sorry, allow me to explain two concepts to you: modesty and the allure of the different. First of all, dressing in a manner that draws all eyes to you is not modest. It doesn't matter whether or not anyone can see the outline of your bust, if you are dressed so differently that everyone cannot help but stare at you, you are not being modest. In fact, you are being immodest. Words, they have meanings.

Secondly, men are attracted to what is different. I wish I could find the link to a study I ran across a few years ago. They showed men lingerie in black, white, red, pink and turquoise. Men liked black best and turquoise the least. However, when the researchers showed the men pictures of women wearing the lingerie, if they showed the men 9 pictures of women in black lingerie and then 1 picture of a women in turquoise lingerie, they overwhelmingly preferred the turquoise lingerie. Why? Men crave variety. (Not that any of the men in the study complained about the 9 pictures of women in black lingerie.)

Therefore, appearing in public in a manner of dress entirely different from what everyone else is wearing is not only immodest by definition, it's immodest in that it taps into the male enjoyment of variety.

Fail, my dear Lydia. Fail.

*Are you nobility, Lydia? No? Then no more "lady" for you!