Saturday, June 18, 2011

My Lips Are a Veritable Cesspool

What is the most important thing about me? Is it my generosity, my kindness, my intelligence, my patience, my sense of humor?

What is the greatest gift of myself I could give another person? My time, my loyalty, my love?

I actually called my husband and asked him these questions. He declined to pick any one thing out of the first list (that is kind of a minefield of a question), but for greatest gift he listened to the three options and said, "Yes."

So then I asked him if my first kiss, had I not recklessly squandered it at age 15 on a boy named Jake, would have been better.

His reply: "Will you stop reading those fucking fundy blogs? A kiss lasts, what, five minutes if you're really pushing it, you've been with me for how long? Going on 14 years now? I'd say putting up with me for that long is better than some kiss!" long pause "Not that you're bad kisser or anything. Your kisses are great! I gotta go." click

His greatest gift to me is probably putting up with those sorts of phone calls, but I digress.

What my husband values most about me are not physical qualities. Which is a damn good thing, because let me tell you, the view from 35 is getting a bit wrinkly.

So why is it that the fundamentalists, who are so much more moral than you and I, value most the physical? Why is the most important thing about a woman whether or not her lips have ever touched another's? Why is that the greatest gift?

I have kept my lips pure. I have never kissed another guy – besides my dad and brothers (and those are only on the cheek :) – and I don’t plan to, either…until that special moment at the altar. After we say ‘I do’…after the pastor says ‘You may kiss your bride’…and after my husband raises my veil. Then, and only then, am I going to give that man one of the greatest gifts I have.

Honey, that's really sad. I know I heartlessly mocked your "fictional", but you have so much more to offer than your "pure" lips. You are a person, with ideas and dreams and qualities so much more valuable than that one moment your lips become diseased, polluted cesspools of impurity. (Might I suggest Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush lip gloss in Mega Melon to deal with the disgusting lips you will have after that? During the Semi Annual Sale, it's only $1.75!*)

I just . . . sweetie . . . there is so much more to you than whether or not your lips have contacted a man's lips. I find you thoroughly obnoxious and I can see that. Why can't you?

I would encourage you to remember – and I guarantee this! – that your husband will delight in your kiss even more, knowing that no other man has touched your lips. That he is the only one who has known the delight of your kiss. And that he is the only one who will ever have that privilege.

Well, she guaranteed . . . I called my husband back and asked him if he would have delighted in being the only one who had ever delighted in my kiss (wow, she is a terrible writer) and after he got done working that one out, he said, "No, what do I care what you did before you met me?" So, Raquel, what do I get? Your guarantee was invalid for spouses equal to mine, so what now?

If I was part of the ‘dating scene’ – always having a new boyfriend, not having my parents involved in my relationship(s) and letting my boyfriend have too much freedom in touching me – what would happen to the sweetness of keeping myself for my husband? It would be…hurtful…sad…and could even lead to marriage problems. The same goes for him. If he and his girlfriend took too much freedom in expressing their ‘like’ for each other, how would that make me feel? Put yourself in that story…

Well, for values of spouses equal to my husband and me, the story's okay. But thanks for assuming that our relationship is a morass of pain and problems due my rank, tainted, revolting lips. 14 years in August, honey, call me back when you've been married that long.

*That comes off like I'm getting paid, but no, I'm just really excited about getting great lip gloss for less than $2.


  1. Wow, that took off in an unexpected direction. I thought this post would be about curse words!

    Metaphysically speaking, I don't see why morals should concern themselves with ideas rather than physical things. To impose morality on what people think is essentially a christian idea (if you look at another man's wife with desire, yadda yadda, you've heard it, I assume). I'm not aware of this being incorporated in any morality systems not derived from christianity. But maybe that's just ignorance on my part. Anyway, I don't percieve the two statements "She's very moral" and "She's quite unconcerned about physical things" as related. At all.

    Maybe the greatest gift inherent in unsullied lips is the self-control exhibited? Such a position would make sort of sense, if you value self-control higher than, say, generosity or kindness or humor or love.

    An on a totally different matter: why is this post here, and not on your nifty new .com domain?

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. First, self-control can be nice, but taken past a certain point it becomes a mental health issue. I mean, kissing (part of what I would call 'life') is not about a lack of self-control. I consume alcohol regularly. I do not lack self-control, I *choose* to have a beer deliberately and see no reason not to. I could refrain from doing so, but why?

    Purity is all about male insecurity. Men who want their ownership of women to be complete, and they can't feel like they fully own her if she has a past or any sort of independent existence. It's another way of making relationships into a pissing contest.

    Speaking of that, whenever I see people in 'pure' marriages, what I note is that the women have this generic, submissive, 'smiles and sunshine' *giggle giggle say wow really wow really* personalities. Had to take a slam based on my own observations there.

    I think part of being moral is keeping things in proper perspective. Making a huge deal out of a kiss is absurd, and people who think this way deserve derisive mockery.

    By the way, glad I FOUND YOU AGAIN!

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  7. All this whole preservation thing of virtue does matter but people are too afraid of admitting due to being accused of being 'immature'. But deep down a man wants everything of a womans and be the first at everything. Continue deluding yourselves. Ever wondered why people married off their daughters as virgins? because they are worth a whole lot more

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