Female Stereotypes- They Are So True. Now Stop Fulfilling Them.

She is wearing the Mascara of +5 Smug Face.

Amy Alkon sees rude people, apparently when looking in the mirror. Her job title is, as far as I can tell, "Advice Goddess", which makes me think that perhaps the field of advice giving is not quite as hard to get into as I think it is*. So, let's put Amy's advice giving skills up against mine:

I have an online dating issue. When a man and I are going to have our first phone chat, I set up a specific day and time so we don't have to play phone tag. This allows me to schedule around it and be prepared and at my computer viewing his profile when we talk. I take the man's number and call him, because I'm not comfortable giving out mine right away. During my several years of online dating, the percentage of guys who aren't there at the planned time has been about 90. Many never contact me again, even to explain or apologize.

You know, this seems reasonable to me. Why should she give out her number first if she isn't comfortable with it? (I suppose she would have to accept if the man felt the same way, but clearly they don't.) I also don't see why she should just be waiting around for some guy to call. A specific call time really doesn't strike me as being outrageous, but I am a very organized person. Maybe it is weird.

I think it's very rude for those men to agree to this specific call in time and then not answer the phone. If they are offended by this request, they could just say so, or contact her to cancel it with some stupid excuse. Really, anything other than simply no showing would be better than no showing.

See, that's why Amy's a Goddess and I am not. The menz aren't being rude by agreed to be at a certain place at a certain time, the woman is being rude by requesting it. Not even just rude- she is all things that are wrong with women.

A woman can be a little premature in setting up who wears the ball gag in the relationship.

um, wut? Since when is "I will call you Thursday at 6:30" equivalent to ball gagging someone (which is a metaphor that is rather nasty towards the kink community. They enjoy ball gagging as a consensual activity.) Oh, I see, they are menz, and menz are like the wild animals of the Serengeti: they cannot be tamed. Asking them to be at a certain place at a certain time is just the same as cutting off their testicles! And then displaying said testicles in a jar over the fireplace!

Telling somebody they need to talk to you at a specific time might work fine in business, but because men tend to be wary of controlling women, it's a risky tactic when you're vying to maybe become a guy's girlfriend, not his supervisor. But, here you are, not only setting the call time but informing a guy that he'll be doing the waiting and you'll be doing the calling. Very possibly, there's more in your e-mails that suggests you're bossy and controlling. If so, for a guy, this can foreshadow a lot of being ordered around by you: "Sit. Stay. Repeat after me, 'I'd love nothing more than to turn off the playoffs and join you in watching Valerie Bertinelli kill her abusive husband with a shovel in the Lifetime Movie Of The Week.'"

That's right, it is totally unreasonable to ask a person to pick up their phone at 6pm on Thursday! It's completely insane! And making a man wait for a woman to call? Why not just paint his toenails pink and slap some lipstick on him? He's your bitch now! Menz do the calling, women wait!

Ahem. Nongoddess advice: If a man is really that turned off by the thought of him waiting for you to call, you do not want to date him. If his ego can't handle that tiny role reversal, imagine what will happen when you ask him to put a plate in the dishwasher.

I also enjoy that Amy assumes that the writer is super controlling and her emails, which Amy has never seen, are just odes to controlling behavior. Amy has no way of knowing that, but women, you know.

And good job dragging out some tired stereotypes to fill your word count, Amy. Hurhur- womenz don't like sports. Womenz like sappy movies. Womenz are controlling bitches trying to trap a man into watching chick flicks while the Superbowl is on. Gah! At least be creative about your misogyny, Amy.

Now, maybe you have a peculiar attraction to rude men, but more than likely, you just need to try something new: Relax a little. Give out your number. Not your home number, connected to your address, but the number to your cell or one of those pay-as-you-go phones that isn't traceable to you. Should you start getting unwanted calls, put the thing on silent or give it to some wino and tell him to answer it by breathing heavy and asking, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

Yes! Give out your cell phone number to random internet strangers! That sounds like a great idea! That's completely untraceable, right? Or spend even more money on a paygo phone, and then give it to a . . . fuck? wino? . . . stranger and let them deal with the abusive phone calls. That's called charity!

Seriously, though, wino? You are not a good person, Amy Alkon.

Instead of trying to wring every bit of uncertainty out of your life, accept that there might be a little phone tag. When you do get on the phone with a guy, step away from the computer and your spreadsheet of questions. Your goal shouldn't be vacuuming him for data; it should be having fun getting to know him. If you're having fun, you'll be more likely to sound like fun -- like the sort of woman who keeps the spark in a relationship (and not by tasing the guy whenever he's a little slow to take out the trash).

You aren't fun, letter writer. You are a boring person. Fun people like to waste their time waiting for people to call. It's what women do, after all. Stop trying to have time for things other than men and waiting around for men and being more attractive to men. What do you think you are, a man, deserving of respect and suchlike?

Why is Amy Alkon getting paid for her writing and I'm not? That's just proof there is no god, right there.

*Which is not a good thing, because if I can enter the field of professional advice giving, I will give out advice designed purely to amuse myself. "First, put on a mouse costume . . ."

I'm Sorry, But No, It's Not All About You

Have you ever noticed how ultimately narcissistic religion is, any religion? The creator of the entire fucking universe totally cares, a lot, about every detail of your life. Every action, every thought, every moment of every day, every meal, every prayer, every Sabbath, every Sunday. It's all so very important to the creator of the entire universe.

How self centered is that?

Which is exactly my reaction to this:

Just about every day someone approaches me and tells me how much they enjoy my writing, this is always humbling because I was never a good writer while I was in school. It’s strange to now be a published writer and have zero writing experience or background. It’s even more insane to get a request to speak to a high school creative writing class! What do I say? “Hi, my name is Baron. I failed English, let me show you my writing skills?" I’m not really sure how things got to this point where writing is such a huge part of who I am. Maybe it’s all a coincidence. Maybe everything is just random, and this is another one of my crazy hobbies that I have picked up; just like the time I watched the Karate Kid marathon and then researched bonsai trees and decided I needed one. Or maybe there is a reason, maybe there is an order, maybe there could possibly be a plan.

Honestly, I have no idea who this guy is, but (a) there's no reason a person who failed English* couldn't go on to improve their English skills or work ethic and go on to a successful career in writing, this does not require divine intervention, and (b) no, it's not random, but (c) there is room between completely random and godditit.

Why is a plan necessary here? I never thought blogging was something I would do until I started blogging. I never thought I'd enjoy twitter at all until I got an account. That's just how things work: there's no way of knowing if you'll like or be good at something until you try it. This does not require divine intervention.

Maybe someone, somewhere, at some time, needed to read something that I would at some point write.

Would it be far-fetched to say that there is a reason you are standing where you are standing at this exact moment and reading these words at this exact time? Would it be far fetched to say that a small decision that you see as pointless or routine could save a life? Perhaps we are all far more connected than anyone can see or comprehend. Maybe one day you will save my life. It’s not as far-fetched as you may think. Maybe everything is just a coincidence, but maybe its not.

Get on board, buckle up, and lets take a trip.

I'm going to go door to door teaching statistics at the end of a sword, I swear. Here's the thing: the odds of having any particular poker hand are something like 6,000,000:1, yet every time you play a hand, that's the hand you have. Is that divine intervention? Is that a plan?

To skip ahead, Baron is offered the chance to write a weekly column that appeared in the paper on Wednesdays. Keep in mind, this is probably a paper that is published 5 days a week, so there was a 20% chance, completely at random, of Wednesday being the publication date, but no, This Has Meaning. Deep, deep meaning. Oh, and Baron thought about quitting, but he didn't. This Has Meaning. Deep, deep meaning.

I think about quitting all the time, too. So does every writer. Anything you do on a regular basis gets a bit chore-like, no matter how much you enjoy it. This is just human psychology. I don't think Baron would have any trouble believing that the entirety of human evolution was guided in a specific direction to produce him and his column. But this narcissism is well deserved, because he saved a life!

Finally [guy who approached Baron] released his grasp and spoke words that I will never forget. This is what he said:

You saved my life. Five months ago I had given up, I was going to end it all. It was a Wednesday (ripple 2). I felt like I had nothing else to live for. I had my pistol in my lap while I sat at my desk. I had set newspaper out around the floor so I wouldn’t make a mess for whoever found me. I was about to do it. Right before I pulled the trigger I looked down and saw a piece of newspaper that said, “The easiest thing in the world to do is quit.” I put the gun down and started to read more. It was a column that you had written. Your column saved me. Thank you.

I’m glad that he told me that he didn’t expect me to respond because I was speechless. I was in awe. I was stunned. Before I could even think of anything to say back to him he said, “I’m doing much better now. I feel like you just needed to know that you’re making a huge difference.” Then he walked away.

I’m not an emotional person at all but I almost cried in the meat section of the United Supermarket. At that exact moment all of those random coincidences swirled into one beautiful event that made perfect sense.

You know what? Good for you. I'm glad that guy did not kill himself. That does not mean you are the center of some sort of divine plan. I mean, the entire purpose of writing is to reach people. If you didn't want to, or expect to, reach people, why did you write at all?

As for "random coincidences", I'm beginning to think no one knows what "random" or "coincidence" mean. A coin toss is a random event. You toss the coin, it lands heads or tails. This is random. Each coin toss is independent of each previous coin toss. Ten heads in a row does not affect the next toss. (See also: wheel, roulette) This is random.

Baron's column being printed on Wednesday was not random. It wasn't divine intervention, either. Factors Baron apparently was unaware of impacted the printing date, factors like space on various days, when opinion/lifestyle pieces are printed in that paper, when other, established columns were running. In other words, the publisher didn't throw a dart at a calendar to come up with Wednesday, zie carefully considered where and when such a column would fit and put it there.

What about the suicidal stranger? Many, many, many people who attempt (and sometimes succeed) to commit suicide are ambivalent about it at best. They don't necessarily want to die, they just don't want to live as they are living and they can't see any possibility to live any other way. So, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that Suicidal Stranger, despite having obtained a gun and decided how to reduce the mess, wasn't really interest in dying so much as he was in not living as he had been living. I know this because I have been that person. I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to be in pain anymore, and it didn't seem like there was any other way to end that. There was, btw.

Would it really require that God, centering a scheme entirely around Baron, did anything at all in this situation? Baron wrote a column in a newspaper, presumably for the purposes of reaching people through his writing. A suicidal but ambivalent man reads said column and decides not to commit suicide. It's narcissism at best for Baron to assume that the entire world was shaping itself around Baron so that this would happen.

How many other people committed suicide that day? In 2006, suicide was the 7th leading cause of death for males in the US. 33,300 people committed suicide that year. That's 91 suicides every day. That's not attempts, btw, which is all Suicide Stranger was. That's actual ended-in-death suicides.

So, on the day Baron was saving a man's life, 91 other people's lives were not saved. Would you like me to reel off a list of horrors that also occurred that day? Do I need to get numerical data on rapes and molestations and abuse and murders? No, good, because I don't feel like digging it up. It's upsetting.

I think you get my point. Even if you allow that God set up that entire series of events to save one man's life, you can't ignore that at the same time, the exact same time, God allowed women to be raped, children to be raped, people to be beaten and killed, people to starve to death, people to die of treatable diseases, etc.

So, really, what's so fucking special about you, Baron? What's so special about Suicide Stranger? Why are either of you more important than those other 33,300 people per year?

You know what really pisses me off about this? This post could have been a great post about the power of writing to touch people, people the writer has no idea exist. Do you know why I write about deeply personal topics like my illnesses, physical and mental? Because I know that there are other people feeling what I am feeling. I know this. I am not the only one in pain. I hope that somewhere there is someone who will read what I have written and think, "Oh, wait, I'm not the only one? There is more to life than pain and anxiety and misery?"

I choose, personally, to give my suffering meaning, if only to one other person. If that's you, you make it all worthwhile, and I don't even know you. I don't have to.

Oh, and Baron's column? He wrote it after losing a football game. Wait a moment while I roll my eyes. Almost done. Okay, look, Baron, darling, you don't know shit about losing. You lost a game or two, I've been losing my entire life. Come back in 15 years and tell me all about losing.

*What does that even mean? Did he get one "F" on one report card, was he held back an entire year, did he have trouble learning to read initially, was he too lazy to read the assigned books and do his homework? We can't really judge this statement at all.

Oh, C'mon Now, Who Are You Trying to Fool?

You wanna mess up your kids? Tell them every stray thought will land them in hell and then show them the works of Heironymous Bosch.

Sin.

Once upon a time, sin was a big deal to me. I was convinced, utterly convinced, that every little sin was sending me to Hell. I absolutely, sincerely convinced that Satan watched everyone at all times and listened to our thoughts and that any stray thought or negative emotion of any kind- no matter how fleeting- could land me in Hell. Immediately.

I was nine.

Yes, my childhood was a happy one. Ever try not thinking about Satan? Good luck with that.

Ever try not feeling angry about anything ever? Better luck with that one.

Keep in mind, that's not unusual Christian theology. Plenty of Christians belief that even feeling slightly angry at someone else is the same as murder. (coughRayComfortcough) Even more feel that finding a woman vaguely attractive is exactly the same as a gangbang with five hermaphrodite hookers, a goat and a pineapple- and it's all the woman's fault, btw.

Now, I know this guy comes from the Ray Comfort school of "ever been angry? enjoy hell, sucka!" school of theology, which is why I find this post a little bit . . . disingenuous.

The following comes from page 1951 in the John MacMarthur Bible Commentary and addresses the fact that born again believers do not habitually sin.

Why Christians Won't Habitually Sin

This passage begins with the phrase "Whoever commits sin" (v. 4). Commits translates a Greek verb that conveys the idea of habitual practice. Although genuine Christians have a sin nature (1 John 1:8) and do behave sinfully, their confession of sin (1 John 1:9; 2:1) and acceptance of forgiveness prevent sin from becoming the unbroken pattern of their lives (John 8:31, 34-36;Romans 6:11; 2 John 1:9). God builds a certain growing awareness about sin that provides four effective reasons why true Christians cannot habitually practice sin:

1. Genuine Christians cannot practice sin because sin is incompatible with the law of God, which they love (1 John 3:4; Psalm 119:34, 77, 97; Romans 7:12, 22); whereas habitual sin betrays the ultimate sense of rebellion - living as if there were no law or ignoring what laws exist (James 4:17) - in short, lawlessness.

2. Genuine Christians cannot practice sin because sin is incompatible with the work of Christ (1 John 3:5). Christ died to sanctify (make holy) the believer (2 Corinthians 5:21;Ephesians 5:25-27). Habitual sin contradicts Christ's work of breaking the dominion of sin in the believer's life (Romans 6:1-15).

3. Genuine Christians cannot practice sin because Christ came to destroy the works of the arch-sinner, Satan (1 John 3:8). The devil is still operating, but he has been defeated, and in Christ we escape his tyranny. The day will come when all of Satan's activity will cease in the universe, and he will be sent to hell forever (Revelation 20:10).

4. Genuine Christians cannot practice sin because sin is incompatible with the ministry of the Holy Spirit, who has imparted a new nature to the believer (1 John 3:9; John 3:5-8). This new nature shuns sin and exhibits the habitual character of righteousness produced by the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24).

So, who sins? Everyone. Who doesn't lie, who doesn't get angry, who doesn't feel lustful? Surely some of the people who claim to be Christians must actually be Christians, and I've never noticed a difference in behavior between Christians and nonChristians, have you? Christians have a higher divorce rate, there are more Christians in prison and the more religious a country is, the more crime it has. Christians sin, just like the rest of us.

What this is, really, is a No True Scotsman and a Guilt Complex. This allows you to say, "But they're not really Christians" any time I point to a clearly sinning Christian, "real Christians don't sin!" Sure. Unless conversion is actually being replaced with a pod person, yes, Christians sin like the rest of us.

[Note: before you go all apeshit in the comments section, follow the link, see why that is a logical fallacy and not acceptable in argumentation and DON'T USE IT.]

The Guilt Complex of this is a little more subtle. It explains the constant rerererererededicating their lives to Jesus that so many Christians engage in. You'd think once or twice or three times would be enough, but no, they're dedicating their lives to Jesus on a weekly basis. How many times does it take, really? 58,000 apparently. I can tell you what the internal struggle is, because I've lived it.

Christian: Oh, not again!

Atheist: What?

Christian: I keep sinning. I'm not really a Christian!

Atheist: You believe in Jesus, right? You accept him as your Lord and Savior, right? Sure you're Christian. Fairly obnoxious about it, actually.

Christian: No, no, no! I can't be a Christian, I keep sinning!

Atheist: Sinning how?

Christian: I keep finding women other than my wife attractive!

Atheist: Srsly?

Christian: How did you say that without vowels? Never mind, yes, it's sinning! It's adultery!

Atheist: Dude, finding an attractive woman attractive is no big deal. You're not fucking them, are you?

Christian: NO!

Atheist: Yeah, you'll be fine.

Christian: No, I won't be fine. I need to become a Christian, or I'll burn forever in hell when I die! I could die at any moment! Please, God, save me!

Atheist: Um, yeah, well, call me when you're done with that.

These poor people, they're absolutely tormented. Tormented by assholes who tell them, over and over again, that being human is proof of their worthiness for eternal torment. It's sick.

The Contradictions Are Killing Me

Is it too much to ask that people be consistent in their beliefs? It's bad enough when someone believes in stupid bullshit, but when their stupid bullshit isn't even consistent, that's a whole new level of obnoxious.

First of all, I have to say that Barbara Curtis deserves a round of applause for adopting three children. That's a wonderful, loving act that I truly admire. The fact that she adopted three disabled children is all the more admirable.

However, and this is bothering me so much I just cannot stop thinking about it, in the linked post Ms. Curtis goes on and on about how wonderful a place the US is to raise disabled children, specifically citing the Americans with Disabilities Act, inclusion in public schools, availability of health care and a low rate of institutionalization for disabled children.

What, you may ask, is wrong with that? Ms. Curtis is an avid Tea Partier. She posts 10-20 times a day in favor of Tea Partiers and/or against liberals, particularly President Obama. That's certainly her right, but all those things that make America a wonderful place for her children? Those are all taxpayer funded liberal mandates. You know, the very ideas and policies the Tea Party is so desperate to destroy.

How do you spend half the day benefiting from taxpayer funded liberal mandates and the other half of the day decrying big government and government spending and politically correct liberals? How do you do that and not see the hypocrisy? How do benefit, every single day, from taxpayer funded liberal mandates and then claim that taxes are too high and government spending needs to end? How do you do all that and look at yourself in the mirror?

She's not the only one, just the most recent example I've come across. Half the crowd at every Tea Party gathering is on Social Security or disability. "Get your government out of my Medicare" was the rallying cry for these people at one point. How do you say that without your brain exploding?

I, for one, am thrilled that my tax dollars help Ms. Curtis' children and others like them. I'm also perfectly happy to fund welfare, food stamps and disability. I want those programs expanded- and I don't even use them. I may be a crazy commieIslamoFacistliberal, but at least I'm internally consistent. Unlike some people . . .

Why It's Hard to be a Girl

In case you're not female and you're wondering why women are always going on about how hard it is to be a woman and body image this and Hollywood that, here you go:

Is Angelina Jolie Turning Shiloh Into a Boy? Parenting Experts
Weigh In

When Brad Pitt was spotted in Paris on Feb. 23, it looked like he and
Angelina Jolie had adopted a new child -- an adorable blond boy. Instead, it was
the couple's 3-year-old daughter, Shiloh, sporting boys' clothes and a new
haircut so shockingly short it immediately ignited a firestorm of controversy.
"It's a drastic change," says an eyewitness. "The last time we'd seen her, her
hair was longer and blonder, and she was more girlie. We were surprised Angelina
dressed her so much like a little boy."Reaction on the Internet was far harsher
and even some seen-it-all celebrity stylists were stunned by the transformation. "Shiloh is pushing the boundaries of a tomboy look and crossing over to
cross-dresser territory," Alana Kelen, senior fashion stylist at VH1,
tells Life &
Style. "Shiloh is looking more and more like her daddy these days," agrees
celebrity stylist Gili Rashal-Niv.

The cross-dresser in question is 3. THREE. Senior fashion stylists are seriously discussing, in the media, the style preferences of a toddler.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Oh, and those "parenting experts"? They work for Focus on the Family.

I repeat. WHAT. THE FUCK.