Female Stereotypes- They Are So True. Now Stop Fulfilling Them.

She is wearing the Mascara of +5 Smug Face.

Amy Alkon sees rude people, apparently when looking in the mirror. Her job title is, as far as I can tell, "Advice Goddess", which makes me think that perhaps the field of advice giving is not quite as hard to get into as I think it is*. So, let's put Amy's advice giving skills up against mine:

I have an online dating issue. When a man and I are going to have our first phone chat, I set up a specific day and time so we don't have to play phone tag. This allows me to schedule around it and be prepared and at my computer viewing his profile when we talk. I take the man's number and call him, because I'm not comfortable giving out mine right away. During my several years of online dating, the percentage of guys who aren't there at the planned time has been about 90. Many never contact me again, even to explain or apologize.

You know, this seems reasonable to me. Why should she give out her number first if she isn't comfortable with it? (I suppose she would have to accept if the man felt the same way, but clearly they don't.) I also don't see why she should just be waiting around for some guy to call. A specific call time really doesn't strike me as being outrageous, but I am a very organized person. Maybe it is weird.

I think it's very rude for those men to agree to this specific call in time and then not answer the phone. If they are offended by this request, they could just say so, or contact her to cancel it with some stupid excuse. Really, anything other than simply no showing would be better than no showing.

See, that's why Amy's a Goddess and I am not. The menz aren't being rude by agreed to be at a certain place at a certain time, the woman is being rude by requesting it. Not even just rude- she is all things that are wrong with women.

A woman can be a little premature in setting up who wears the ball gag in the relationship.

um, wut? Since when is "I will call you Thursday at 6:30" equivalent to ball gagging someone (which is a metaphor that is rather nasty towards the kink community. They enjoy ball gagging as a consensual activity.) Oh, I see, they are menz, and menz are like the wild animals of the Serengeti: they cannot be tamed. Asking them to be at a certain place at a certain time is just the same as cutting off their testicles! And then displaying said testicles in a jar over the fireplace!

Telling somebody they need to talk to you at a specific time might work fine in business, but because men tend to be wary of controlling women, it's a risky tactic when you're vying to maybe become a guy's girlfriend, not his supervisor. But, here you are, not only setting the call time but informing a guy that he'll be doing the waiting and you'll be doing the calling. Very possibly, there's more in your e-mails that suggests you're bossy and controlling. If so, for a guy, this can foreshadow a lot of being ordered around by you: "Sit. Stay. Repeat after me, 'I'd love nothing more than to turn off the playoffs and join you in watching Valerie Bertinelli kill her abusive husband with a shovel in the Lifetime Movie Of The Week.'"

That's right, it is totally unreasonable to ask a person to pick up their phone at 6pm on Thursday! It's completely insane! And making a man wait for a woman to call? Why not just paint his toenails pink and slap some lipstick on him? He's your bitch now! Menz do the calling, women wait!

Ahem. Nongoddess advice: If a man is really that turned off by the thought of him waiting for you to call, you do not want to date him. If his ego can't handle that tiny role reversal, imagine what will happen when you ask him to put a plate in the dishwasher.

I also enjoy that Amy assumes that the writer is super controlling and her emails, which Amy has never seen, are just odes to controlling behavior. Amy has no way of knowing that, but women, you know.

And good job dragging out some tired stereotypes to fill your word count, Amy. Hurhur- womenz don't like sports. Womenz like sappy movies. Womenz are controlling bitches trying to trap a man into watching chick flicks while the Superbowl is on. Gah! At least be creative about your misogyny, Amy.

Now, maybe you have a peculiar attraction to rude men, but more than likely, you just need to try something new: Relax a little. Give out your number. Not your home number, connected to your address, but the number to your cell or one of those pay-as-you-go phones that isn't traceable to you. Should you start getting unwanted calls, put the thing on silent or give it to some wino and tell him to answer it by breathing heavy and asking, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

Yes! Give out your cell phone number to random internet strangers! That sounds like a great idea! That's completely untraceable, right? Or spend even more money on a paygo phone, and then give it to a . . . fuck? wino? . . . stranger and let them deal with the abusive phone calls. That's called charity!

Seriously, though, wino? You are not a good person, Amy Alkon.

Instead of trying to wring every bit of uncertainty out of your life, accept that there might be a little phone tag. When you do get on the phone with a guy, step away from the computer and your spreadsheet of questions. Your goal shouldn't be vacuuming him for data; it should be having fun getting to know him. If you're having fun, you'll be more likely to sound like fun -- like the sort of woman who keeps the spark in a relationship (and not by tasing the guy whenever he's a little slow to take out the trash).

You aren't fun, letter writer. You are a boring person. Fun people like to waste their time waiting for people to call. It's what women do, after all. Stop trying to have time for things other than men and waiting around for men and being more attractive to men. What do you think you are, a man, deserving of respect and suchlike?

Why is Amy Alkon getting paid for her writing and I'm not? That's just proof there is no god, right there.

*Which is not a good thing, because if I can enter the field of professional advice giving, I will give out advice designed purely to amuse myself. "First, put on a mouse costume . . ."