Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Yee-hah! The War On Christmas Is On!

war, christmas, christian, stupid,

Yes! It has finally arrived, that magical time of year when atheists arise from their subterranean lairs to take on the mantle of Saint Dawkins, pick up the fabled Sword of Myers and begin again the dread War on Christmas. Let the children weep as we slay Lil' Baby Jesus in his manger at the Courthouse, silence carollers in our public schools and force the shopkeepers to acknowledge both the Christian and the not in their cheery greetings!

We shall remove every manger scene from every home, stop private institutions from singing religious songs and presenting religious plays, and verily this year you would not be allowed to attend a worship service on Christmas morn . . .

Wait, what?

You can totally do all that stuff in the second paragraph? What's the Sword of Myers for then, anyway? The Constitution takes care of most of that stuff in the first paragraph. I gotta say, Atheist Takeovers are never close to as much fun as Saint Dawkins makes them sound in the newsletter.

'Twas The Month Before Christmas (not the 'holidays')


Twas the month before Christmas*

I have no idea why every line is followed by an asterisk. Also, the original is a delightful candy-apple red font against a burgundy background. And this blog has background music! Classy.

When all through our land,*
Not a Christian was praying*
Nor taking a stand.*

Oh, yes, all those special "month before Christmas" prayers that used to be prayed. or something.

See the PC Police had taken away,*
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.*

The PC Police? Really? When was the last time anyone was arrested for being a douchebag misogynist, homophobic, racist, ablist asshole? Oh, right, never.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,*

You mean like every other day of the week, when they're not singing about their milkshake and the yard?

About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.*

"and things"? I'm fairly certain angels have wings, which would have rhymed with . . . oh, fuck it.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say*
December 25th is just a ' Holiday '.*
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit*
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!*

to get the shoppers, the cash/checks/credit or the floor? really unclear use of a pronoun.

CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod*
Something was changing, something quite odd! *
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa*
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.*

1995 called- it wants its pop star back. and which retailer is promoting Ramadan? Which ended in October, btw. And promoting Kwanzaa? You mean by selling Kwanzaa merchandise? Like they do with what other holiday?

As Targets were hanging their trees upside down*
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.*
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears*
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.*

Staples? The office supply store? and upside down trees? what. the. fuck.

Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty*
Are words that were used to intimidate me.*

Di-ver-si-ty intimidates me, too. It has all those scary dashes.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen*
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !*

Who's Darden? And where's the Antichrist Obama?

At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter*

To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter*

Separation of Church and State. bichez.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith*

if the cashier at Target doesn't say "Merry Christmas" to you, you aren't Christian anymore? I see the answer to all my problems here!

Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace*

Doing it right now, I think.

The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded*

The reason for the season, stopped before it started.*

2,000 years ago? Mary had an abortion? That must be some translation of the bible I missed.

So as you celebrate 'Winter Break' under your 'Dream Tree'*

Dream Tree?

Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.*

Starbucks=evil? What do have against sugary coffee-based beverages?

Choose your words carefully, choose what you say*

Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS ,not Happy Holiday !*

I thought Dan Rather prevented you from doing that.

I do so enjoy the War on Christmas. I'm glad it started it early this year.


  1. When talking about ignoring/quashing the "reason for the season" they mean totally ignoring/quashing the genuine Germanic pagan and solstice origins of a holiday in the third week of December, then... YES. THAT DOES HAPPEN.


  2. AWESOME! I've been waiting for this year's war to start!

    Of course, I've already got my own Christmas carols:

    Fundy Wonderland

    Church bells ring from the schoolhouse,
    minds are quiet as a doormouse.
    The books have been burned,
    rebellion unlearned,
    conformity in a Fundie Wonderland.

    Gone away is their free will,
    come and swallow your control pill.
    It's Jesus all day,
    attention you'll pay,
    or it's prison in a Fundie Wonderland.

    In an alley we're stopped by a policeman
    and his puppet master Parson Brown.
    He says "are ya married,"
    we say "Yes, man!"
    and then we beat a path out of that town.

    Later on, there's a pyre
    where fornicaters die in a fire.
    They're burned at the stake
    for daring to partake
    earthly pleasures in a Fundie Wonderland.

    In the halls of Congress Jerry Falwell
    shreds the Constitution as he please.
    They're rounding up the Pagans and the Muslims
    and some Catholics just for a tease.

    Move along, get back to work now,
    your state and god are as one now.
    Repressing your id,
    you're having that kid,
    it's burkas in a Fundie Wonderland!

  3. Cynical Nymph beat me to the punch. :(

  4. Yay! I love the War on Christmas!

    Also, this:

    And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith

    Should really be more like this:

    "Away went our faith with no word from the few
    Lost to the heathens, the Hindus, and Jews"

    The original is:

    Away to the window I flew like a flash
    Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash

    I mean, seriously. People think that they can just write poetry if it rhymes. People also think that they can simply ape something and it the structure is parallel it will be a poem. That's not how it works.

    You have to be able to mimic the content, the structure, and the meter. Why is that so friggin' hard to understand? You actually have to know how to use words to write poetry. Like, the word "heathens" in my version was originally "atheists," but it didn't work. I needed a two syllable word there in order to keep up the cadence and in order to keep "atheists" I would have had to split off the final syllable. And it's awkward.

    Also, is it weird that I've apparently put a lot more thought in to this than the person who originally wrote it? Although,really, that's to be expected. People who worry about such things as "the War on Christmas" don't actually have an appreciation for art...

    So while they're worried about my assault on their co-opted holiday, I'm worried about their assault on the written word. Maybe this can be the new "War on an Abstract Concept!"

  5. Get yer damn Christianity out of my Saturnalia

  6. http://www.atheist-community.org/atheisteve/?id=27

  7. You know, the more I think about it, the more I wonder...

    Why are they trying to take art away from us? No, no, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Geds, they're not doing that. There's no way they could." But they are. And you might not see it.

    But I do.

    It's right there in front of us. The co-opting of a beloved poem. The inability to use the right words. The complete ignorance of the iambic pentameter.

    The iambic pentameter. I want you to think about that for just a second.


    Have you thought about it? Good.

    They've TAKEN AWAY the IAMBIC PENTAMETER. It's just not there any more. It's nowhere to be found.

    And you know who's responsible for it, of course? The atheists. The Communists. That's right, The COMMUNISTS. They hate our freedom to use the iambic pentameter so much that they just want to take it away.

    You want proof? I'll get you proof. It's right here in this book. Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Don't believe me? Well what does the Grinch wear? Red. That's right. And what does he take away? Things, presents, toys. Things that the Whos down in Whoville spent their hard-earned capitalist dollars to buy for each other to show Jesus's love on the holiest of holidays.

    And how is How the Grinch Stole Christmas written? That's right. As a poem. And you know what is used to write poetry? The iambic pentameter.

    Even worse, they've now stooped to disguising themselves as good Christians and writing bad poetry just do disguise their nefarious plot and make it look like it's the Christians, the so-called "wing nuts" who hate the iambic pentameter. Well it's time to put a stop to that. And I know just how to do it.

    I call it the 1123 project. That's right. How the Grinch Stole Christmas was published on 11-24-1957. We need to get back to a time before then, a simpler time. We need to get back to a time when all the Whos in Whoville could keep their presents and the Grinches could do nothing but sit naked on top of a mountain.

    Out in the cold.

    Where they belong.

    So join me. On November 23rd, 2009 we're going to go out and burn every copy of How the Grinch Stole Christmas and the various movie adaptations we can find. Especially the Jim Carrey version. Then we're going to write poetry about how great it is that Jesus lets us make the money in this great nation to buy each other presents so we can open them on Christmas.

    And we'll take back America. Join me.

  8. I see no Grammies in that song’s future.

    Also, death and ugly yellow hats (with baubles) to whoever invented music that automatically plays when a webpage opens.

  9. wow, Geds!

    truely, you ARE the chosen one, the Moses of today, to lead us out of this hellish lack-of-Christian-theocracy!

    eeeeeew. someone got some Jesus on my Yule-log! ewewewew!

    for fuck's sake, you'd think Easter would be more important than Christmas!


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