Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Willing Suspension of Math

christianity, science, god, stupid,

I'd love for xkcd to do a comic on the email forwarded to [redacted], because if I can see the obvious math/physics problems involved, I'm sure xkcd reading this would have hilarious results.

Three Bullets

There once was a man who lived in Nantucket . . . had nothing for his family to eat. apparently, he couldn't get food stamps. or he doesn't live in the US? or pretty much anywhere in Europe? He had an old rifle and three bullets.. So, he decided that he would go out hunting and kill some wild game for dinner.. obviously not living in Europe or an urban center, then. As he went down the road, he saw a rabbit. He shot at the rabbit and missed it. hitting a rabbit with a rifle is not that easy. rabbits are fast.

The rabbit ran away. Then he saw a squirrel and fired a shot at the squirrel and missed it.
he attempted to shoot a squirrel with a rifle in order to provide dinner? in case you don't live in the US, a squirrel is about half the size of a housecat. you can certainly eat squirrel (squirrel stew is usually the punchline of a joke about inbred poor people or the homeless), but there's not much meat on any one squirrel.

The squirrel disappeared into a hole in a cottonwood tree.. ah, the West.

As he went further, he saw a large wild 'Tom' (male) turkey in the tree, but he had only one bullet remaining. according to hunters i know (turkey hunting is popular in NEPA), wild turkeys are harder to kill than you might think. domesticated turkeys, on the other hand, are sometimes born so stupid they can't figure out how to eat.

A voice spoke to him and said, 'Pray first, aim high and stay focused. [missing quote] However, at the same time, he saw a deer which was a better kill. He brought the gun down and aimed at the deer. But, then he saw a rattlesnake between his legs about to bite him, so he naturally brought the gun down further to shoot the rattlesnake. Still, the voice said again to him, 'I said 'Pray, Aim high and Stay focused.'

So, the man decided to listen to God's voice.

if you decide to obey the random voices in your head while there is a rattlesnake within striking distance of your genitals, you deserve whatever you get.

He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree and shot the wild turkey. The bullet bounced off the turkey and killed the deer. The handle fell off the gun and hit the snake in the head and killed it. And, when the gun had gone off, it knocked him into a pond. When he stood up to look around, he had fish in all his pockets, a dead deer and a turkey to eat for his family.

so, the bullet bounced off the turkey, instantly killing the turkey, ricocheted with sufficient force to kill a deer (a fairly large creature), and the force of the gun going off was enough to knock him backwards. apparently, in this universe, pi is 6, the square root of -1 is 53, turkeys are made of rubber and bullets go 10 billion miles per hour. oh, and fish, rather than dashing off in terror at a man suddenly landing in their midst, instead swim into his pockets for comfort.

The snake (Satan) was dead simply because the man listened to God.

There's no fucking explanation for the dead snake? i'm currently playing a video game in which I am War, the first Horseman of the Apocalypse. I've been squishing zombies, ripping the wings off angels, oh, and I have a vertical jump of about 26 feet and hang time like you wouldn't believe, and that makes more sense than this email.

Moral of the story: math has no meaning! there are no reliable physical laws! we should all cling to the earth for we might float away at any moment!

Pray first before you do anything dear lord, before i pee, i would like your blessing, aim and shoot high in your goals, and stay focused on God. Never let others discourage you concerning your past. where did that come from? The past is exactly that, 'the past.' it is what it is. trees are trees, squirrels are squirrels and the past has HAS PASSED! Live every day one day at a time is there some sort of other option? and remember that only God knows our future and that he will not put you through any more than you can bare. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i was about to get angry, but i guess i can "bare" it!

Do not look to man for your blessings, but look to the doors that only He has prepared in advance for you in your favor. i don't even know what that means.

Wait, be still and patient: keep God first and everything else will follow. Pass this on in order that someone else might be blessed. because god only answers prayers if you send chain emails to the demanded number of persons.

FROM ONE FRIEND TO ANOTHER Don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there!!! ending with predestination? that's a whole 'nother can of worms!


  1. I believe the snake died because the dude's gun fell apart and killed it. I think. The whole email makes very little sense.

  2. That's what I thought until it was stated that the snake died purely for being Satan.

  3. Moral of the story: Crafting a parable is harder than it looks. (Achieving competence in spelling and grammar might be a good starting point.)

    There. Fixed that for you.

  4. How is Darksiders? I was thinking of buying it.

  5. Darksiders is what would happen if God of War and Zelda had a baby, and then that baby had an affair with the Book of Revelation.

    In short: buy it!

  6. That's just... oww. oww.

    I don't want to know how many neurons I lost reading that.

  7. Alternative ending to the story:

    So, the man decided to listen to God's voice.

    He prayed, then aimed the gun high up in the tree and shot the wild turkey. As he did so, he felt a piercing pain in his [author resists temptation] leg as the rattlesnake bit him, and saw the deer take fright and run off.
    "Well shit," he said, his leg collapsing underneath him and sending bursts of burning pain up his side. Lying on the ground, he stared into the snakes eyes.
    "Theriously, dude, what the hell did you do that for?" the snake said, lisping through it's fangs.
    "You can talk?" the man asked, staring at the apparation.
    "Ofth courthe not, moron," the snake said. "A thnake talking? What a thtupid idea. I don't even have vocal chordth. You're probably jutht having one of them halluthenationth from the venom ruthhing to your brain."
    "He's right you know," said the dead turky, wandering over. "Just a hallucenation."
    "Okay, this is getting freaky," said the man, feeling the horrible pain spread to his torso.
    "This coming from the guy who listens to the voice of God?" said the turkey sarcastically. "Do you really think it was a good idea to make a loud noise with a rattlesnake between your legs?"
    "Yeah, you thcared the living crap out of me, dude!" said the snake. "Thorry about the bite, natural reaction, you know."
    "Am I going to die?" asked the man, the pain overwhelming his body and reaching up past his neck. He noticed that he couldn't feel his leg anymore...
    "Oh yeah," said the snake.
    "I don't want to die!"
    "Oh noes I don't want to die" said the turkey in a sarcastic falsetto. "Whiner. I had my internal organs pulverised and you don't see me complaining."
    The man noticed he was having trouble seeing the world around him. The pain was still there, but it seemed further away, like it mattered less now...
    "Oh, one latht thing before you go?" said the snake.
    "Yes, talking snake?"
    "Tell god he's a sadistic douchebag."

    "Are you kidding? That was fucking hilarious. Man dies: has conversation with turkey."
    "You know what? The snake's right. You are a sadistic douchebag."
    "Wait, that asshole's still down there? Well, crap."

  8. ...it bounces off the turkey???

  9. Handles don't fall off guns. That's retarded. As a matter of fact, there is not a single part on a gun called a 'handle'.

  10. Maybe he was so poor he couldn't afford a real gun, and had to assemble one from wood and cardboard, only he had to use cheap glue so the handle fell off. You ever think of that? Huh? Huh?

    Oy. I think I got out of bed too early.


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Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.