Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Thoughts I Have Never Had- Labia Edition

(h/t to the blag hag.)

You know what I've never thought, not even once in my life? I wish my labia were pinker. I have never, ever thought that.

Apparently someone has, because there is a product you can buy called My New Button to make your labia one of 4 delightful shades of pink. (It also works on nipples and penises. No, I have no fucking idea.)

These are the testimonials concerning this product:

After having my children I noticed things didn’t look quite the same down there esp. the color! No one told me that could happen. I am pretty young and was shocked when I found out from my doctor that this is a typical thing that can happen. I am so happy to have this product. It works great, and it is easy to use. It makes me feel better about myself. Thank you!
-Jennifer W. 34 years old

Seriously, Jennifer? You were surprised that shoving 8 lbs through your vagina might change the way it looks? Uh-huh.

Finally! I have been living with the embarrassment of color loss for years now. As an older- single (divorced) woman I feel a little more confident with the lights on!
-Linda M. 61 years old

"Living with the embarrassment"? Who is seeing your vagina, Linda? Your doctor, who's seen everything and the man lucky enough to have sex with you, who probably doesn't know a damn thing about labial color loss. Even if he does, his only thought upon seeing anyone's vagina should be "yay!"

I just don't buy that these testimonials are real. I think (just stick with me here) that somebody's trying to create a problem so they can sell me a solution. Honestly, after reading about this stuff, I went into the bathroom at work just so I could see what color my labia are. Then I called Teh Hubby, and after he got done sputtering "WHA?!", he demanded a link, which led to a 5 minute conversation of the name. I mean "button"? Wouldn't that be my clitoris? Technically, I guess that could refer to my G-spot, but you can't really see that . . . I dunno.

Anyway, I refuse to entertain the notion that my genitals are the incorrect color. Ever.


  1. pics or it didnt happen - is just to easy of a comment for this thread so I am trying to come up with something more original.

  2. All right, so, when they came out with dye for one's "Betty," I chuckled. I mean, they have hot pink and aqua blue. What's not to LOL about? Sure, I'd be leery of getting dye around my nether regions since dye is fairly aggravating to skin, but surely they have it pH balanced for pubic hair, right?

    But labial dye? Labial dye??? That sounds about as healthy and logical as deodorizing, scented tampons. You do not put deodorant in your vagina. You do not do that. Just like you should not DYE THE SKIN around your vagina. It just sounds unhealthy, I mean, honest to QF. If you're dumb enough to want to dye your labia, you're dumb enough to deserve the raging irritation that DYE on your LABIA is bound to produce.

  3. That was my thought. There's nothing that says "sexy" like raging labial irritation.

  4. Hey you may have a raging labial irritation, but the guy won't notice because the dye covers the irritation, so without the dye it would be just be irritated, right?

    That argument of course makes as much sense as the one Fred Clark gave:

    "They strangle bunnies"

    "You know that isn't true"

    "Yeah but what is a little lie when compared to strangling bunnies"

  5. This is SO bizarre. Do people really need another reason to feel insecure about their bodies?

    Funny that you went and checked things out at work though. LOL.

  6. From ExPatMatt:
    "The G-what?"

    I nearly fell out of my chair.

  7. Another example of a product creating a need for itself. Jeesh.

  8. and, seriously, if i were a guy and the woman that i was about to go down on had a HOT PINK labia i would...

    run, actually. i'm pretty sure i would run.

    now, on the one hand, this comment is me boiling it down to the fucking *male gaze* which btw is the REASON shit like this happens.
    but, on the other hand, fight fire with fire - not that i really think my comment is for stopping a teen from doing this. mostly, it's aimed at guys [those who won't come here, sadly, to see it] because i think that if a certain segment of the male population - the segment that gets so much out of the marginilization and sexification of women - would just get the fuck OVER themselves and stop pushing these unrealistic beauty standards... i mean, yes, most of the gender policing is done by women. but a large minority is done by "significant others". who really should shut up and appreciate that they have a partner, and not worry that she makes the perfect trophy.


  9. Yeah, this is an awful lot like when they invented a horrible "disease" called "dandruff" back in the 60s (or was it the 50s?) - & immediately did their best to convince people that dead skin sloughing off your scalp was the HIV of its time, just so they could sell them special weapons-grade shampoo to combat the dread menace to our Way Of Life ... but with beef-curtains.


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