Sunday, January 31, 2010

I Regret a Lot, But Not the Sex

safe sex, candies, abstinence,

I have regrets. You can't get to age 5 without regrets. You know what I don't regret? Being powerful, active and involved in my own sexuality and sex life.

I didn't "give away" my virginity, I enjoyed the first time I had sex. Sure, it was akward and painful at first, and exciting and fun. I've said no to a few people in my time, and I've never "given in" to anyone's demands to have sex, either. I've never had sex in order to be loved or keep a man. I have had sex because I wanted to. I've had sex with a man I had no intentions of ever seeing again. I've used condoms and been tested for AIDS*.

My point is that it's my body, my life and my choice. Every choice I've made, I made, and I've owned it. I've owned the good and the bad, and let me tell you, if you want to be satisfied with yourself as a person, if you want to like yourself, owning your decisions is crucial. If you want to stop being the victim of your own life, you have to make our own damn choices.

So it really pisses me off to see girls exposed to this kind of crap from the candie's foundation.


91: The percentage of teens who think it's important to get a strong message that they should wait to have sex.

76: The percentage of teens who wish the media showed the consequences of sex more.

75: The percentage of teens who don't thinks it's embarrassing to admit to being a virgin.

60: The percentage of teens who wish they'd waited longer to have sex.

First of all, I can't figure out where these "facts" come from. Have these teens never seen the Lifetime Channel? How about Bristol Palin? Who doesn't know the consequences of . . . oh, right, people who haven't had sex ed. Okay, then, what does candies have for teens to help them be strong, independent owners of their own existence?

A tank top with a slogan across the breasts, involving the word "sexy" in bright pink. That sound? That's my forehead repeatedly slamming into my desk.

Here's the advice I give all the girls in my family. If you're not sure you should be having sex, you shouldn't be. And that applies equally the first and the millionth time you have sex. If you're too embarrassed to buy condoms, you're not ready to have sex. If you can't deal with the possible consequences of sex, i.e., an unplanned pregnancy or an abortion, you're not ready to have sex, and that applies to 16 year olds and 40 year olds alike.

It's your body, own it.

*Actually, having had a blood transfusion prior to 1979, I've had lots of AIDS tests. Like 15 of them. Oh, and at least that many Hep C tests.


  1. Seriously, you are my doublganger...

    When my special lady friend and I were talking about having sex for the first time, we went to the store to buy condoms. We were both like...this is so embarrassing, buying condoms. To which I said...if we are too embarrassed to buy condoms, we should probably not be having sex.

    Of course, that did not mean I did not by the condoms. Instead, I quickly got over the embarrassment, and bought them. Then after purchasing them, I said to my woman, "Let us FUCK!" (okay, I made that very last part up).

    Our attitudes toward sex really annoys me. It is not bad, and instead came be an enriching part of your life. It is something that every person has the right to do (so long as they find a willing partner of course). Men and women should be able to have one night stands if they want to, without filling any guilt. Because thse actions and those experiences are something that you own, not everyone else.

    Just, for the love of the little baby jesus, by safe and smart about it.

  2. opps..I meant doppelganger not doubleganger

  3. It took me a long time to own up to some of my decisions when it came to sex. Obviously I haven't totally owned up to them, since I'm not posting this comment with my actual name! Sadly, one of the things that made it hard for me to totally accept my decisions was that I knew if I could reverse time, those decisions would have been different. Even worse, I experienced some serious double-standard judgment from my husband when we initially discussed some of the mutual acquaintances I'd slept with (before I met my husband). It took me a long time to accept that not only was it not his business but that my experiences made me who I am; it took even longer for me to start standing up for myself when he'd occasionally "joke" about my having slept with so-and-so, "ugh," how could I have done that.
    He doesn't dare approach me with any criticism on that point now that I'm older, wiser and more sure of myself. And now that he's older, wiser and more sure of himself, he can look back on those comments from when we were young and realize, "Wow, not only was that none of my business, but if the situation were turned around, I'd really have to criticize my own sexual behavior pre-marriage."

  4. [An insight into the mind of Me]

    ~ Me see's girl.
    ~ Me thinks girl is attractive.
    ~ Me reads text on tank top.
    ~ Me no longer thinks girl is attractive.
    ~ Me avoids eye contact with crazy abstinance-only person.

    Don't get me wrong: I actually find modest and/or shy women more attractive than 'loose' ones. Self-control is a big turn on for me. But supporting abstinance-only is not even correlated to self-control. S-C is an entirely independent vector.

  5. Maybe the person should wear a shirt that says "I'm enough of a jerk to put my personal decisions about when I have sex on a tshirt for everyone to see?"

  6. The funny thing is the 'you' part in that T-shirt makes a pretty immodest assumption that every man that girl meets is dieing to shag her.

    I think most men will have a similar reaction to James. If I were a guy I wouldn't touch a chick like that with a ten foot pole, so she's going to get abstinence whether she likes it or not.

  7. Thanks for sharing this - as I've said in previous blogs - it is odd that in countries that are anally retentive when it comes to sex (the USA & the UK spring to mind - I live in the latter) there are high rates of STDs, divorce, abortion, teenage pregnancy etc. (all the woes the Religious Right blame on liberalism); yet in countries that have pragmatic attitudes to sex (Scandinavian countries, The Netherlands etc. – i.e. those countries with liberal social policies) these 'social problems' (for want of a better phrase) are much, much less - these countries also have far far lower rates of church attendance!

    The real issue is openness about sex – it is as natural as eating and drinking and we have a desire for it, no matter what we might tell ourselves. But I think we’ve all had sex when we didn’t really want it and (from personal experience) I have found myself in abusive relationships just because I was lonely and vulnerable. Things got better when I started taking charge. It’s a difficult subject, but I found this post useful.

    Quentin Crisp (one of England’s ‘Stately Homos’ (his phrase, not mine!)) once said something along the lines of: ‘If no one praised you and no one blamed you, who would you be?’ It’s question pertinent to us all and I think fits in with the above.


  8. Where the hell are they getting those numbers from?


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