Unintended Hilarity

First up, we have this quote from an 11-year-old author:

"I, Sullivan Alexander, have been prompted to create a Christian Star Wars. My ambition is to add some nutrition to the science fiction diet many kids my age enjoy. I, as a Christian, believe God can perform miracles any time and at any place. I do not like immoral books or shows and can promise that in this series there will be: no prejudice, no pornography, and no Pantheism."

Am I the only one freaked out by an 11-year-old promising that his book will not have porn in it?

I think my reaction is supposed to be, "Oh, wonderful! Books for my children that are sexy free!", but my reaction is a combination of wild laughter and, "Why is that tween talking about pr0n?!"

Seriously, why is that preteen, really still a child by any measure, promising that his book does not contain pornography? Does anyone expect porn from a book written by a barely pubescent child? Does Star Wars contain porn?

I really think this is the result of a very frustrated young scifi lover asking his parents if he can see a movie or read a book or watch a tv show, and them saying:

"No! It has porn in it!"

"Um, really, porn? Okay, what about this one?"

"Porn!"

"It says it's for readers ages 8 to 12."

"Prejudice! Everyone is calling everyone else the n-word!"

"All right then, what about this?"

"N-word!"

"It's the Lord of the Rings. Everyone in it is some form of white. Including the undead."

"Pantheism!!1!!eleventy!!!"

"Fine. I guess I'll just have to write it myself."

***********************************************************

Our second bout of hilarity comes from John Piper, who has a whole list of reasons why fundamentalist Christians are awesome:

1. They are humble and respectful and courteous and even funny (the ones I've met).

For what definitions of "humble", "respectful" and "courteous"? Oh, I see. The ones you've met. Not the ones I've met.

5. They know that the Bible calls for some kind of separation from the world.

Or a theocracy. You know, one of those.

6. They have backbone and are not prone to compromise principle.

"WHAAAA! Gays have rights! WHAAAA! I can't make secular atheist muslims believe what I believe!"

7. They put obedience to Jesus above the approval of man (even though they fall short, like others).

Really? You're going with this? Hmmmm . . . let's see what Jesus had to say about . . . taxes:

Then Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him.

Do churches pay taxes in the US? What's that, no? Huh. Okay, how about what to do with wealth:

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

I see people do that every day . . . what, they don't? Well, maybe that's unfair. Let's see what Jesus had to say about praying:

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

⁶But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

⁷But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

Fundamentalists always pray in private . . . Do they even read this book?

Their "social action" is helping the person next door (like Jesus), which doesn't usually get written up in the newspaper.

Or, you know, campaigning for certain candidates, picketing abortion clinics and writing laws to bring about the theocracy.

They tend to raise law-abiding, chaste children, in spite of the fact that Barna says evangelical kids in general don't have any better track record than non-Christians.

Mmmm-hmmm. well, in spite of the fact that all evidence says otherwise, I'm Superman. Nice to meet you.

They resist trendiness.

13. They don’t think too much is gained by sounding hip.

C'mon now, how many times have we heard fundamentalists using out of date slang to try to connect with the people? How could we forget "surfing the tube*"?

16. They are not breathless about being accepted in the scholarly guild.

That's one way of putting it.

Oh, John Piper, if you were a comic, you'd be brilliant!

*Which really sounds like some sort of euphemism now that I think about it.

You Shall Know Them By Their Love

The Rapturites were asked to define the Conservative Christian lifestyle- a request that had me cackling with glee right here at my desk before I even saw the responses.

I was wondering this today. What would make the Conservative Christian lifestyle stand out?

Things like no tv or movies, or nothing like that?

Honestly, I'm confused, too. I hope the Rapturites can clear this up for us.

The obvious answer to me is to put "Christ-honoring" things in your life, as opposed to things that satisfy the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life.

Of course, as far as I'm concerned, Conservative Christians tend to stand out from the crowd anyway, in that the things that matter most to the world, matter not to us.

Yeah, like CCs don't care about taxes or immigration or money or politics or owning stuff or status symbols or . . . um, yeah.

John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Yeah. CCs totally love everybody- except for gays, muslims, brown people, atheists, democrats, pacifists . . . everybody . . . who is just like them. It's love, I tell you!

The fruits of the Spirit.

Mangoes? It's mangoes, isn't it!

No one likes us because we hold to the Bible being true and the Word of God and it can be taken in literal context and no one likes us............

I don't like you because you used that smilee. Others may feel differently.

Obedience to God's will.

Dedication to daily prayer and Bible study.

Following Matthew Chapter 5.

Really? All of Chapter 5? That's interesting. Here's Matt 5:3-10, you may recognize it:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

The meek, the merciful, the peacemakers and the poor in spirit, huh? Really? That's who you think you are? Fascinating.

My idea of a conservative or fundamentalist Christian believer is not seeing or hearing or doing anything that our Lord and Savior would not want you to do.Jesus is right by our side.Should you be listening or watching or doing what you are doing with Jesus sitting by you?That can mean sacrificing alot of things that others around you are doing. But it will be well worth it when you meet Jesus face to face.

So you never urinate, defecate or bathe? Because I certainly couldn't do any of those things with some guy sitting right next to me*.

+1 Love. All the things you do and don't do on account of the love that is in you. Each of us is a unique creation, we weren't punched out with the same shape cookie cutter. We'll be different and do or not do different things, but it is God's love that is a common link and denominator among His children.

God's love . . . of hating brown people and socialism? Although, I would like the Underpants of +1 Love. That'd be awesome.

I would add: show and share the peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the worst of times. Show the JOY that that only come from God. Live by example. Of course flee all appearance of evil.

God does not want us to put on any kind of a show. He wants us to be a witness of what having the one true God in our lives can do. No other faith or religion has what we have. That is what stands out.

Show and share the peace that surpasses all understanding, but don't put on a show. Be a witness, but don't be all showy about it. Does mutually exclusive mean nothing to these people?

Well, the OP actually seems to have found wisdom in that mess, I'm just as confused as I ever was.

*Bathroom time is alone time. I cannot stress this enough.

Slavery or Slavery, Which Would You Prefer?

I have The Christian Post in my reader, so every day I have 15-30 articles waiting for me. I doubt The Christian Post really intended for anyone to read the following articles back to back, but I did and it made me lol*.

The truth is, to be a Christian is to be a slave of Christ, according to an evangelical author.

That may not sit well with a lot of people, especially in America where the image of slavery is undoubtedly ugly and regrettable. But John MacArthur suggests in his new book Slave that it's the most accurate way of truly understanding what it means to be a Christ follower.

First of all, is there a country where slavery is or was not ugly and regrettable? I'm a little disturbed by that statement. Anyway, what immediately followed that was this:

When we ignore God's rules and live any way we want to, however, we end up only hurting ourselves. Some of the Bible's most sobering words are found in the Old Testament book of Proverbs: "There is a way that seems right to a man (or woman), but in the end it leads to death" (Proverbs 16:25).

You may think you're free right now, but in reality you have become a slave -- a slave to your own desires and appetites.

So, I can be a slave to your god or a slave to my desires, but there's not freedom here. Slavery is good! Slavery is bad! Free yourself! Enslave yourself! Happiness is slavery! All the black is really white, if only you believe!

I can't imagine how these people keep up with their own beliefs . . . oh, wait, that actually explains a lot.

*Right now, there's a wavy red line under "lol" so it looks like a little guy drowning. And that's what's going on inside my head 95% of the time.

Whacktastic!

I read this and yelled, "That's whacktistic!" at my desk at work. And then mumbled sheepishly, "Some lady on youtube . . . fell into a fountain . . ."

But seriously, this is so whacktastic I can only assume the Blogging Fairy had it written just for me.

The One Indispensable Constituent of a Good Education

Grammar? Spelling? Logic? A questioning nature?

"The beginning of wisdom is the fear of God."

Ooookay . . .

If the beginning of wisdom and knowledge is the fear of God, then one should never teach anything without this very basic foundational truth either clearly expressed or assumed.

Anything at all? How would one manage this? I can think of any number of subjects entirely neutral to the question of god.

This guy can't.

What then would constitute a good science class, for example? Picture the instructor describing the order, the beauty, the complexity, the expanse, and the glory of the universe, the human body, and the animal kingdom. Then, he lifts his arms and says in a whisper to the class, Silence for a moment! All of you, stand in awe of him! Stand in awe of him! Let us worship the mighty Creator of heaven and earth. Anything short of this is not good science.

Whacktastic! Can you imagine? That's just . . . just . . .O.o

Words, they fail me.

The history professor will discuss the bubonic plague that destroyed 1/3 of Europe in the latter half of the 15th century. But unless he turns around and tells his students to fear the God behind it all, the One who does his will in the whirlwind and in the storm (Nah. 1:3),he has failed to teach good history.

e.e

If the beginning of wisdom and knowledge is the fear of God, then the first lesson in every sex education class should be a discussion on fearing God, because he is the one who first wrote the words, "Thou shalt not commit adultery. . ." And, "Be not deceived. God is not mocked. Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. . ." And, "The eyes of the Lord are in every place beholding the evil and the good."

This is a penis . . . What is it, Timmy? Oh, yes, Be not deceived, now, upon arousal, the penis . . .

This, by the way, is what happens when you study Psalms instead of physics:

Last year our family was traveling through Wyoming on vacation, heading west on I-80 in the dead of winter. It was about 8:00 pm and my wife was driving on dry pavement at full speed. I drifted off for what seemed like a moment, when I woke to my wifes screaming, Help me Jesus! Apparently, she had hit a patch of ice formed by blowing snow on a high point in the road, and instantly I realized we were sliding sideways down the freeway. There was only one thing I could do. I joined in with my wife, yelling, Help us Lord. Help us now! Now! Please? It was a very charismatic moment, prayers going up to God in rather disorderly fashion.

In mere seconds, God took the vehicle and moved it onto the center divider where the vehicle plowed through 18 inches of snow for about one hundred feet. As we came to rest, we could not tell that we had stopped, for the snow had covered the entire vehicle like an igloo. Peering outside, I announced to everybody that we had come to a stop. We woke up the children. We trembled, and wept, and cried out to God, Thank you oh God for saving our lives today! And together we sang To God be the Glory. There was somebody else in the car with us. We knew that he was there. He was there!

Yes, god picked up your car, carefully placed it onto the center divider and used snow to slow you down. After allowing you to hit a patch of black ice and go sliding sideways in the first place. That god, such a kidder!

But what happens to a civilization that neglects to root an education in the fear of God over successive generations? It will eventually destroy knowledge itself. Scientists would be unable to distinguish between the science that drops a ball 100 times, and notes that mass seems to attract other mass to itself by a gravitational pull (at a probability of 99%), and the science that takes a look at a rock and calls it 4,325,000,000 years old. With equal levels of dogmatism, they conclude that force equals mass times acceleration, and then look at 600 factors that might cause global warming, and insist that the world will come to an end as we know it in 100 years unless we replace our SUV's with mopeds. A science without the fear of God will produce a hubris that can only end in irrationality

Damn, I used O.o too soon. Apparently, this dude is, with no scientific training whatsoever, qualified to decide what science is true and what science is just silliness. That Stephen Hawking, such a fool!

As one scientist told me recently, There is no essential difference between the science of Darwin and the science of Boyle, Newton, Pasteur and Pascal. What a breathtaking lapse in clear thinking! What exactly did Darwin give the modern world, but one lousy hypothesis concerning origins. Such blurring of science and pseudo-scientific guesswork began with Darwins hypothesis of species-evolution by a survival-of-the-fittest mechanism. While millions of scientists worldwide pursued this new pseudo-science with appropriate levels of hubris, thankfully there were men who feared God like Boyle, Newton, Pasteur, and Pascal who produced multiple advancements in the engineering and medical sciences as they took real dominion over Gods green earth with real observable, measurable, and reproducible science.

Is there something stronger than O.o, because I really need it now.

What happens to the minds of men who wander for 150 years without acknowledging their need for the Creator and His truth? Their scientists will busy themselves with worthless projects like extracting gold from lead, or acquiring clones from unfertilized parthenogenocized zygotes, or building towers that keep falling down. Science without the fear of God will in the end prove to be futile, and fatal in the brave new world without God.

lol wut? First of all, anyone whose mind is wandering for 150 years is living about twice as long as average for today, so good for them. Secondly, last time I checked, cloning worked and "towers that fall down"? What is he referring to? I have no idea, unless he's referring to the Twin Towers, in which case, in poor taste, and nobody builds anything with a contingency for "asshole flying a plane into it".

What happens to a nation that doesn't teach the fear of God as the beginning of wisdom for five generations? What happens to a nation that will not build its house upon Jesus and his words? When the rains come and floods rise, that house will come down, and great will be the fall of it (Matt. 7:27)! That nation will find 37% of children born without fathers, up from 6% in 1960, and half of marriages ending in divorce. That nation will become the greatest debtor nation on earth and inherit the weakest families in the entire western world. Sound familiar?

Really, it says that in Bible? Matt 7:28- and 37% of children will be born without fathers and national debt shall exceed net GDP. I must have skipped that day in Sunday School.

Oooh! A Test! Did I Pass?

Yes, I was one of the freaky weirdos who liked tests. Because I test well and tests were always a nice pat on the head for me. And really, I didn't have a whole lot going on in the whole self esteem department, so there you go*.

Anyway, the Boot Camp for Girls (previously discussed here) has a "final exam" up, so I thought I'd take it and see if I still have it.

Attention, Girls! The exam is open-book, take-home, more homework than test, and more guidance than testing. Completion will make you unique among female peers.

Oooh! Unique! I feel special already!

Boyfriend has a greatest fear. You can avoid yours by helping prevent his. Do you?

Is it spiders? Because that's what my greatest fear is. Is there any place on earth that doesn't have spiders? *whips out some googlefu* Hmmm, Antarctica. Well, that's a little extreme even for me, so no, I don't.

Commitment makes a man use his head about you. Devotion makes a man use his heart about you. Which do you prefer?

That's like asking if I want chocolate or strawberries. Fuck that, I'm dipping the strawberries in the chocolate and calling it a party.

You habitually seek Full Disclosure under the mistaken idea that it bonds a couple. Not so! In fact, you tell boyfriends far too much about yourself, don’t you?

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a black sheet. I haven't even told my husband my name. He's not entirely certain where I live. I am the ninja of relationships! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Female qualities generate attractiveness for more than sex. Do you possess enough of the right virtues?

Is snarkiness a virtue? What about the ability to raise only one eyebrow?

Feminine mystique captures the kind of male attention that more easily turns into devotion. Do you capitalize on mystery?

MySTerY? Mystery?

Happiness flows from gratitude. Are you grateful enough?

I . . . what definition of happy is that?

Relationships often split over misuse of two terms, ‘compete’ and ‘cooperate’. How do they work successfully in male/female relationships?

In male/female romantic relationships, male/female work relationships, male/female friendships? Do be more specific.

Prettiness, self-confidence, and happiness shine from the mirrors in your life. Have you put it all together yet?

Yes! I am the prettiest frog in this entire pond! I hear the loons!

Some female personality traits turn off males and shift their focus from you as person to you as sex object. Are you guilty?

Sure. Now who wants to punish me?

Teen sex shapes an adult’s life. Have you figured out how to handle it? Can you fulfill your hopes and dreams in adult life?

20 years later, I think I'm okay.

Female uniqueness starts with female modesty. Are you unique enough? You become embarrassed under certain circumstances. Do you appreciate what a blessing that is?

Ahem. Unique: Being the only one of its kind, Without an equal or equivalent; unparalleled. "Unique" is a superlative. Just as one cannot be "best enough", one cannot be "unique enough". One is unique or one is not.

You know you’re pretty, but can you be sure? Yes!

Oh, thank you creepy, misogynist, binary gender complimentarian! Truly, I needed your assurance, man who has never seen me before, that I'm pretty. Now I can truly live!

So, how'd I do?

*Now I play video games and work on achievements, and feel absurdly accomplished when I get one. Same thing, different format.

Sucks to Be You!

LifeSiteNews is being sued for $500,000, isn't that tragic? (h/t to [redacted] for the heads up)

It is with great concern that we have to inform our readers that LifeSiteNews (LSN) Canada has been hit with a lawsuit – by a Catholic priest of all things!

Um, "things"? I'm fairly certain even Catholic priests are people.

Regular readers of LSN will need no introduction to Fr. Raymond Gravel – he’s the Quebec priest and former Member of Canada’s Parliament who, as we reported, said on a radio interview in 2004: “I am pro-choice and there is not a bishop on earth that will prevent me from receiving Communion, not even the Pope.”

I like this guy!

Then, in 2008, he defended the awarding of Canada’s highest civilian award to the country’s ‘father of abortion’ – arch-abortionist Henry Morgentaler!

"Arch-abortionist?" I think DC Comics just found its new villain! Henry Morgentaler, btw, is a doctor who has spent his career fighting for the right of women to have safe, legal abortions. That will be one boring comic.

During his political career he was rated as ‘pro-abortion’ by the political arm of the pro-life movement.

I'm surprised they didn't rate him "murderer".

He has also repeatedly and publicly criticized his church’s teachings on homosexuality and abortion.

And . . .? So have I. Of course, I'm not a priest, but still, publicly criticizing the RCC for their teachings on homosexuality and abortion isn't unusual in this day and age, and he's hardly the first priest to do so.

Even though LifeSiteNews reports have overwhelmingly reported on what Fr. Gravel himself has publicly said,

out of context, I guarantee you. That's pretty much all LSN does.

he is suing us for libel. Among other things, he argues that he isn’t pro-abortion, but he has said in the past that he is “pro-choice.”

Oh, I see. So you lied in a way that could do damage to Fr. Gravel's career (the definition of libel) and now you're all surprised he's doing something about it. You poor things.

He’s demanding $500,000 in damages – which, coincidentally, is a full year’s budget for us. That would put LifeSiteNews out of business!

Watch me while I weep. Or not.

At LSN we are completely dependent upon Divine Providence; we usually have just enough in our bank account to get by until our next quarterly fundraiser (if even!). We simply have no money to spend on potentially crippling legal fees.

So let me get this straight. God provides your operating budget, but not your legal fees? Interesting. I guess God's funding is like the WIC program, only good for very specific items.

This lawsuit also comes at the same time that attacks on the free speech rights of pro-life, pro-family and Christian citizens and media have been increasing all across the West.

I don't know what free speech rights are like in Canada, but lying does not come under the heading of free speech anywhere.

It is vitally important that LifeSiteNews win this case – not just for our sake, but for the sake of the whole movement. We simply cannot let the opponents of life and family shut down one of the few media voices that upholds the right to life and the sanctity of marriage and the family.

Gee, I thought LSN was a two bit internet site dependent entirely on lies, inflammatory interpretations and vicious misogyny. I had no idea that without them, my family will simply disappear.

The very fact that Fr. Gravel feels he has to sue LSN is proof-positive of just how much LSN is needed. Writing about LifeSiteNews.com in Le Devoir on April 20, 2009, Fr. Gravel said that when his bishop received a letter from the Vatican “which forced me to retire from political life,” attached to the letter “was a file almost exclusively in English made up of negative comments about me … which came from those ultra-conservative media.” He even complained about LifeSiteNews during a speech on the floor of the House of Commons!

Oh, I see. Wrong doing is proof of the need for wrong doing.

Despite the fact that LSN has made it clear that we wish no harm to Fr. Gravel, and that, in fact, we are concerned for his wellbeing, he has launched a suit that could severely, even permanently disrupt our life- and culture-saving work.

We care so much we ruined his life, but only to preserve misogyny and bigotry. It's a higher calling.

Already our staff have had to dedicate several full days’ work just to responding to his charges – and that’s before the case has even really begun. The first preliminary hearing is this Thursday in Joliette, Quebec.

Oh, poor LSN staff, having to do actual work instead of making shit up and defaming people.

At this difficult time, we must once again turn to our ever-faithful supporters. The only way we can withstand this attack is with your help.

We are confident about the truthfulness and professionalism of our reporting on this matter and are determined to fight and win against this unjust lawsuit. Will you join us?

Will you also appeal to others that you know to help us at this time of extra special need?

No. I will giggle when the good Father drains your bank accounts and attaches liens on your homes, if that's any consolation. Reap what you sow, motherfuckers, reap what you sow.