Monday, March 28, 2011

You Should Have Listened

This was the perfect
cure to my very bad mood. Who can be cranky with such snarkilicious fun to be had?


Tony sat on his sofa surfing away on the tube.....

Surfing the tube, huh?

Life is fast and ya gotta play hard ....that is his motto

Really? My motto is water is wet and ur gonna need a towel.

last night, he was clubbing and this morning he's paying...."4 ibuprofen's and a gatorade...he's got to fuel up and replenish because he's dehydrated from too much alcohol

I . . . I . . . where does the quote end? Is that a quote? I'm a little unsure. In all honesty 4 advils and a gatorade is just a normal morning for me.

head's a pounding, his stomach's turning and life's passing him by....that part he doesn't get

"head's a pounding"? why are you doing this to me? it hurts- my soul.

his cell phone's got ten messages ....."Tony, I just called to remind you of the INVITE" "hey Tony, hope you get a chance to come" "hey bro, heard Sandy Invited ya already, but just wanted to invite ya myself....hope to see ya there"

okay, look, i don't care how you pronounce "you", it is spelled y-o-u. that is one more letter than "ya", i think you can handle it. also, why does "invite" keep getting unnecessary capitals? is it perhaps the capitol of some nation i am unfamiliar with? RSVPia?

It's Easter Sunday....and Tony had been invited to his cousin's church....they are having this drama or some type of special service "for us heathens" Tony had thought

who thinks "for us heathens"? anyone? anyone? is anyone in america unaware that christian churches have special services on easter?

"I know what they are up to?" "I got their game all figured out"

"I'm not their token show pony"

WTF does that mean? "token show pony"? i . . . i . . . my soul, it is weeping.


his head throbs in pain.....

"if I needed God to get women or something I could understand" but he see's

"see's"?! that is an apostrophe, not a decoration!

three text from his newest entree's on his phone....

i can't decide what's bothering me more, the use of "entree" in this situation, or the repeated apostrophe abuse. apostrophes are not used to create plurals, in case you were confused. the "s" does that. the "s" does not need further help.

"hey stud...can't wait to hook up next week" "yo, Tony it's me from last night at Grumpy's....REMEMBER?" "thanks for the drinks, call me when your in my area...we will have to hook up ..ya know?"

Y-O-U

Tony smiles in pride...."I hear ya ladies"..."so many women, and so little time"

i really dislike present tense writing.

SO LITTLE TIME.....boy did Tony have that right

DUM DUM DUM!

flying through the channels ..crashed on his couch, he came to one channel where a man stood speaking to the camera


a news reporter? "flying" and "crashed"? this is the description of an aviation accident.

"Today is the day of salvation, Now is the appointed time, and maybe Last time you are EVER GOING TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY AGAIN" ....

Tony hit the mute and cursed..."shut the heck up dude" "I've heard that all my life, Jesus has been coming back for over 2,000 years....give it a rest"

he didn't change the channel?

His cell phone is buzzing...new text

elipses do not replace words. His cell phone is buzzing, he has a new text. now was that so hard?

"Tony, so sorry you missed us today, .....praying you can come next week"

"Praying for ya Tony, prayed all service cause I thought you said you would come" "75 people gave their lives to Jesus ...it was awesome"

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE

don't blame you, Tony.

as quick as they came....Tony deleted every mention of Jesus and Church, his family was a bunch of "holy rollers" and it was just not on his radar

he had world's to conquer...women to meet

comma, use a fucking comma!

but the last text to come across ....jarred him for a sec

A space! That's all that is necessary, a single space. "but the last text to come across jarred him for a secOND".

"Hey Tony, it's Lizzie, I heard you might be at Church today....got my hopes up again but you didn't make it"

Tony slammed his cell phone shut.....Lizzie has always been his dream girl, but she dumped his butt when she gave her life to Jesus and Tony has resented Jesus ever since

um, sure, okay. Tony got cockblocked by Jesus. that's why we're all atheists. although, in my case, that would have to be a vagblock? Pussyblock? I'm not even sure.

all day long Tony ponders a reply, he hasn't hit delete to Lizzie's Message ..but it's not worth a reply

after a long nap.....his hangover "stealing time"

what does that mean? why is it in quotes? why is my brain outside of my skull, crawling away?

it's 10pm CST .....He turns his tv set back on.....BREAKING NEWS.......JUST MOMENTS AGO....911 call centers started receiving calls reporting hundreds and thousands of missing people

The Rapture occurs at 10pm CST? So, 11pm EST? Good to know.

Tony sat up from his place on his couch, His heart racing....."Tony, someday Jesus will Shout and Call His Church Home"..."and I don't want to miss out" "you can give Your Life to Jesus with Me or NOT but I'm going to be ready with or without you"

Lizzie's former plea... flashes in Tony's mind as he quickly picks up his cell phone and hits SEND ..calling Lizzie's number....NO ANSWER

NO ANSWER. DUM DUM DUM!

Tony dials his brother and sister n law who had text him earlier to remind him of THE
INVITE........NO ANSWER....PANIC sets in....

JESUS Has come and those most closest to Tony are Gone....They Heard the Shout

but NOT TONY,

Why?

He was NOT READY

Yeah, Tony, you have to take a shower before Jesus comes. Gatorade and Advil are not going to cut it.

16 comments:

  1. It's sad just thinking of the deluded person who wrote that piece.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Poor, poor Tony. Now Jesus has stolen his dream girl Lizzie away twice.

    I guess there's nothing left for him but to "surf the tube" until he feels better, and then, I don't know, maybe go hang with the dozens of unsaved hotties who keep texting him?!?!?!

    Seriously, are they trying to make atheistic hedonism look appealing? Or have they just completely internalized the idea that unbelievers are all out there having fun all the time, but it's okay because someday They'll Get Theirs? (Hey, look, deliberate use of capitalization for emphasis!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Really, they do make atheism look better than my life . . . wait, um . . . huh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. OK, here's the reaction I had after reading this:

    BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...fast forward 5 minutes later...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA *cough* *cough* Hmm... I wonder what's for dinner?

    ReplyDelete
  5. "yo, Tony it's me from last night at Grumpy's....REMEMBER?"

    I think the real moral of this story is that Tony got wasted and hooked up with Rocky Balboa.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Poor, poor Tony. Now Jesus has stolen his dream girl Lizzie away twice.

    I wonder if he's sitting around right now listening to The Fratellis' "Jesus Stole My Baby."

    ReplyDelete
  7. Honestly I don't mind the abbreviations in the quoted text messages, but enough with the ellipses. That was really getting on my nerves.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Geds, that was the first thing that popped into my head as well.

    Jesus stole my baby. Jesus stole my girl. He took her away an hour every Sunday and cut off all her beautiful curls.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jesus stole proper punctuation, and left an ...'- shaped hole in my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh god dammit. Seriously, why can't these people write halfway decent fiction with, you know, realistic characters? I mean seriously: how hard is it to spend a few hours with a good book (as opposed to the "good book", which is written pretty terribly) and learn what to do?

    Tony sat on his sofa surfing away on the tube..... Life is fast and ya gotta play hard ....that is his motto

    Let's see: "Tony let himself flop onto the couch, scratching at his unshaved chin as he unfolded his laptop. The machine automatically connected to the wireless router in the other room and he logged onto the internet, getting confortable in the soft leather seat."

    "He winced as his hangover momentarily got the better of him and took another gulp of the strangly pixelated energy drink on the coffee table. Damn it. Somewhere in the depths of his mind he knew he was pushing himself too hard, but what good was a long life you you weren't having a hell of a time? He'd rather follow Elvis' example: Live fast, Die Another Day. Or was that Bond? Ah, screw it: what did he care? One of those assholes."

    See that right there? Characterisation. Four sentences and we've got a first impression of what sort of guy Tony is. How hard is it to do that?

    Okay, that's my literature rant out of the way. Let's have some fun!

    ...

    "they are having this drama or some type of special service "for us heathens" Tony had thought"

    "who thinks "for us heathens"? anyone? anyone?"

    I've been known to describe myself as such sarcastically. Does that count? :)

    "I know what they are up to?" "I got their game all figured out"

    "I'm not their token show pony"


    At first I thought this story was supposed to be a beat-poem or some sort of rap-off, give the extremely weird sentence structure. Nope. Turns out they're just that bad at writing.

    SO LITTLE TIME.....boy did Tony have that right

    DUM DUM DUM!

    EPIC. FORESHADOWING.

    he came to one channel where a man stood speaking to the camera

    I wonder if he was speaking ernestly and passionately?

    but the last text to come across ....jarred him for a sec

    A space! That's all that is necessary, a single space.

    Actually, I think I'm beginning to understand the ellipses. Imagine this is an audio book, and the ellipses are dramatic pauses. Since the pauses are dramatic, it stands to reason that more pauses means more drama. So read it again, with dramatic pauses or "DUM DUM DUUM"s or Scare Chords or Ominous Latin Chanting in the place of elipses (seriously, it makes it so much funnier):

    "but the last text to come across [EPIC PAUSE] jarred him for a second. [EPIC THEME MUSIC]"

    ReplyDelete
  11. if these people really think all non-Christians are like Tony, NO WONDER they're so fucking bad at dealing with us.

    sure, i've known guys like Tony - they USUALLY learn this behavior from their family's, so i'd question the presumption that the entire rest of his family is actually composed of real actual Christians. as opposed to people who THINK they're Christian but aren't at ALL Christ-like.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "At first I thought this story was supposed to be a beat-poem or some sort of rap-off, give the extremely weird sentence structure."

    Oh good, I wasn't the only one.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "as opposed to people who THINK they're Christian but aren't at ALL Christ-like."

    That describes a lot of fundies to me...

    ReplyDelete
  14. and me. and you can't tell 'em - they won't hear. they know what they know and anyone trying to say anything else is a tool of Satan, and honestly, i feel REALLY bad for so many of them -

    ESPECIALLY if the Bible is "right" [not them - most of their beliefs are non-Biblical...] and they think they're going to Heaven...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Convert for the lay-dees, if nothing else.

    Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

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Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.