Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"reserve a lot of pity for the youngest girls that give fellatio"

The post snarked below could very well have been written by this dog.

Yeah, um, I'm not sure what to say about that. I'm not even sure context really helps here, either.

This is from a cracktastic series purporting to teach women about men? proper behavior? technical terms for blowjobs?

Maybe the labels for this post will help:

, , ,, , , ,

I've accidentally viewed some fetish porn* that left me feeling the same way those labels do.

Moving on to the post:

Precious granddaughter, I continue describing potential mistakes. In the words of a radio ad in my youth, ‘An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.’ Fortunately, your parents have taught you to avoid what follows. Permit me, in the interest of eliminating ignorance, to describe what likely happens to a girl that experiments and participates sexually with boys.

I feel like this was written for Playboy, if Playboy had been around in 1832.

So, anyway, what happens when a "girl", and I'm really hoping he means "teenaged girl", "experiments and participates sexually with boys"? Keeping in mind of course, I was 15 when I began experimenting -for science!- and participating sexually with boys, so I actually know the answer to this question.

She handicaps herself. She can’t associate normally with peers that are focused on developing and maturing themselves with adult skills, values, and attitudes.

Does anyone know any teenagers that are "focused on developing and maturing themselves with adult skills, values, and attitudes"? Anyone? Bueller? Anyway, I graduated top 2% of my class, got 5s on all three AP exams that I took, got a 1520 on my SATs and when I left college, due to financial issues, I had a 3.92 gpa.

Her mental maturation slows. After enough encounters it virtually stops. She then passes into her adult persona with mental development still locked in adolescence. Acting as mature adult women act and deal with the subject of sex seems foreign to her.

I left college at 22, 19 credits shy of graduation**, in order to help support my mother and younger sister after my father left. I worked two jobs and frequently didn't eat in order to help buy asthma medication for my sister and heart medication for my mother. My sex life was one of the few bright spots in my life at that point.

She absorbs a sense of girlish worthlessness except when desired sexually. It pushes her mindset to drop feminine and absorb masculine values.

I'm not removing links or footnotes or anything. There is no proof offered, no outside opinions, just assertions pulled out of grandpa's imagination. I don't feel worthless except when desired sexually. Actually, I get more self affirmation out of earning achievements in video games than in being sexually desired.

What grandpa is talking about is the dual mindfuck of the patriarchy. If a woman has sex and enjoys sex and seeks out sex she is a worthless slut. If a woman does not enjoy, have or seek out sex, she is frigid and worthless. There's just no winning for women in a patriarchy, and as long as you continue to try to play the game, you will be miserable. The answer, of course, is to reject the patriarchy, not your sexual nature.

Her will power doesn’t mature. It doesn’t embolden her to resist masculine assaults on her feminine spirit.

I think what he means here is that will power in women is purely a matter of resisting sexual advances from men, which are assaults on her very soul. Hey, buddy, have you ever had consensual sex? Are you sure?

She becomes afraid to refuse sex for fear of being disliked. Can promiscuity be far behind when teen girls are so plagued with anxieties?

I'm not even sure why promiscuity is a problem, really.

Her hopes and dreams die as she shifts her hopes toward attracting and holding masculine attention today.

Mmm-hmmm. All that from a little fellatio, huh?

She turns more to thinking as boys think. She seeks more stroking of her ego, as she learns how to live with being treated like trash. She cries for attention.

First of all, there's nothing wrong with how men think. (And they say feminists hate men!) Apparently, grandpa needs ego strokes, lives with being treated like trash and cries for attention. No wonder grandpa hates the ladies, if this is his inner life.

After she enters the workforce, self-defense pushes her to adopt the strategy of ‘screw my way to the top’. She fails to develop belief in herself that she can do it any other way.

Sure. You show me a study, asshole, because I've never actually seen this. I have seen, and been, sexually harrassed at work, but that's not something I did, that's something that was done to me. Possibly by grandpa here.

And here's the truly cracktastic part:

Honey, other girls must look out for themselves. You owe them respect as a person but little else until the bonds of friendship arrive in your life.

"Hi! We're the Bonds of Friendship and we'd like to see if you have any interest in attending our Sunday service . . ."

However, reserve a lot of pity for the youngest girls that give fellatio and a lot of sorrow for those that do it in public. They doom their futures much faster and dramatically than other girls.

Um . . . wut? How young are we talking, grandpa? Should the FBI have any interest in your hard drive? Do you regularly visit the Dominican Republic with Rush Limbaugh? And "in public"? Who's giving blowjobs in public? I . . . I'm a little concerned.

*Fetish porn is awesome- if you happen to have that fetish. If you don't, you're left feeling confused and vaguely skeeved. "I know this is supposed to be sexy, but I have no idea why-" *tilts head to side* "Nope, that didn't help." *tilts head in opposite direction* "What, how many penises does that guy have?"

**Technically, I could have graduated in 4 years, but the program I chose, international business finance with a minor in Spanish, was, like so many, a 5 year degree. It's not uncommon these days.


  1. Please tell me that's a Poe. 'Cause... um... otherwise I'm really, really creeped out.

  2. I think Grandpa here is full of shit.
    Define young girl for me?

    Although,I haven't had fellatio performed on me by a young girl since,well,since I was a young boy. Women? That's an entirely different answer.

    It seems he may have a problem with fellatio in general, not just with "young girls"

  3. I think there is a lot of projection going on here. I think he has been passed up in jobs by better qualified women, whom he now thinks, no knows slept their way to the top. It is not his fault, it is the evil promiscuous women's fault. Yes, they go around giving blowjobs in the office bathroom and get raises while I sit here in squalor not moving up. It certainly can't be because I am an unmotivated jack ass who spends most of his time moping, no it is those dirty dirty women. They started as girls and this is where it got them. Now I am must go home and masturbate myself to sleep.

    Yeah I feel icky typing that up.

  4. 1) "She turns more to thinking as boys think. She seeks more stroking of her ego"

    I see what he did there. Clever fellow.

    2) I'd love to know this guy's take on what happens to "girls who experiment and participate sexually" with other girl.

    3) "However, reserve a lot of pity for the youngest girls that give fellatio and a lot of sorrow for those that do it in public.

    Question. Are these "girls" fellating disembodies penises or something? Because I'm pretty sure he just wrote an article shaming only one-half of the participants in the aforementioned fellatio.

  5. In the patriarchy, penises are legally disembodied, and the body they happen to be attached to bears no responsibility for the actions of said penises.

  6. No, Fannie, obviously you fail to understand. As a man, naturally I can clear this up for you.

    You see, men are really simple creatures, and we can only focus on one thing at a time. That means that when we are - ahem - involved in fellatio, that is what occupies the whole of our very limited attention. And afterwards, we are occupied with... well, whatever we think about next. Curing cancer, no doubt, or blowing things up, or plotting how to get someone to participate in fellatio with us again. You will perceive that there is no room in this process for men to absorb a sense guilt, a feeling of worthlessness, or even a vague disquiet. Nor is there is any question of slowing our mental maturation, as males never advance beyond an adolescent mindset to any sort of mental adulthood. In this area, women inarguably become victims of their own God-given ability to multi-task.

    It is therefore clear that in order to protect our nation's young women, young men should only ever receive fellatio from other young men. Q.E.D.

    (I'm a bit disturbed at having just written that. Gah...)

  7. No, Fannie, obviously you fail to understand. As a man, naturally I can clear this up for you.

    Unfortunately, you did not clear it up clear it up fully. As another man, I am fortunately in a place to step in and point out the places where you got it wrong. In doing so, I believe I will also prove that you are not, in fact, a strong, masculine man and, therefore, some sort of wussy little girl, since there is only room for two data points on this particular continuum.

    Anyway, while men may only be able to focus on one thing at a time and, therefore, must be forgiven if those wily women use their feminine wiles to distract them through fellatio (undoubtedly so they can get the man to buy them things, as women are only good for two things: blowjobs and shopping), that is not the complete case. The default state for a man is sexually active. Even if they are not having sex, they're still sexually active. So, really, a woman who happens to be kneeling down to pick up an accidentally dropped book may find herself fellating a man completely by accident.

    Since the default state of men is "sexually active," it is then the job of the woman to maintain her default state of "sexually inert." Otherwise the universe explodes. And by "explodes," I mean, god hisownself comes down from heaven to point out that the woman in question is a damn, dirty slut who should really be ashamed of herself for what she just did there.


    Although, in all seriousness...

    There was an episode of King of the Hill once where someone or other got slut shamed. At the end of the episode Bobby promised Hank that he wouldn't have sex before marriage. Hank's reply was, "No, it's okay if you do it." Bobby was confused, so Hank explained, "It's called a double-standard, but keep quiet about it. We get the benefit of that one."

    Brilliant, really...

  8. King of the Hill is significantly more clever than most people give it credit for.

  9. King of the Hill is significantly more clever than most people give it credit for.

    Most people probably don't think of it as intentionally satirical. Of course it could also be an aspect of some variant of Poe's Law for suburban Texas...

  10. I see that this blog is called What Women Never Hear.

    Am.... Am I to understand that grandpa here thinks we women have never heard that having teh secks before marriage will ruin us? Because rather than echo the points already made in your post and in these comments, I will just tell grandpa that, dude. I have heard this one before.

  11. i tell you true - if one of my grandparents [of ANY gender] wrote me bullshit like that, i'd be pulling a Stephen Lynch.

    i grant that i went thru social hell for having sex, but in my case, it was nothing new - i'd been recieving the SAME SHIT since i was 11 and "got breasts". [not getting into other stuff]

    but - i had fun. lots of safe, GOOD fun.

    and, honestly, i'm not about to fucking cut myself off because of shit like this, and i am so godsdamned SICK of people piling this on their daughters.

    if you *REALLY* want to "stop" teenage sex [and seriously? there are so many things wrong with that premise] why the fuck aren't "you" going after the main perpetrators - i.e. the BOYS who pressure girls for sex?

    oh, wait... it's not about teens having sex [GASP!] - it's about the fear that if women have any sexual experience, they'll LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE YOU SUCK IN BED

  12. I think "grandpa" has an unhealthy fixation centered on young girls. Called "granddaughter" here.


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