Showing posts with label rapture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rapture. Show all posts

Monday, May 23, 2011

Heads I Win, Tails You Lose

At 6:01 on Saturday, May 21, my husband turned to me and said, "Well, we'll be seeing a lot of new atheists soon."

He's wrong. He's not totally wrong. I think the children of those who believed Camping and watched their parents lose everything to a rapture that never happened may end up questioning their faith, but the adults? No. For one thing, they're too invested in their belief. Once you've sold your home, quit your job and put down your dog for your beliefs, you're not backing down. For another, the Bible provides the perfect out for these people: Deuteronomy 18:20-22.

“But if any prophet presumes to speak anything in my name that I have not authorized him to speak, or speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet must die. 18:21 Now if you say to yourselves, ‘How can we tell that a message is not from the Lord?’ – 18:22 whenever a prophet speaks in my name and the prediction is not fulfilled, then I have not spoken it; the prophet has presumed to speak it, so you need not fear him.”

So, let me get this straight, predictions that do come true are from Yhwh, predictions that do not come true are not from Yhwh. Heads, I win, tails, you lose.

It's almost like the writer of Deuteronomy knew these sorts of things would happen- over and over again. Funny, that.

So don't expect that Camping's devotees will lose their faith along with their homes and jobs. They might, might mind you, stop listening to Camping, but their belief in god will remain unaffected.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Grandma's Roasting in Hell, Being Tortured by Demons, Honey. Now Eat Your Peas!

There's a lesson here somewhere.

I've probably mentioned this before, but my first crisis of faith occurred when I was six and a nun told me that dogs don't go to Heaven. Really, what's the point of Heaven if there won't be dogs* in it**?

Now imagine if that nun had told me my beloved grandparents were being tortured by demons for all eternity. Only the nun is your mom. And she says it like it's a good thing.

I know many of us have many unsaved family members, spouses, parents, sisters, brothers, etc.

But, as a parent, I think having an unsaved child(ren), no matter how old they are, is heartwretching and I am having a very difficult time with this.

As a parent we have tried to protect our children since birth and now when they don't know Jesus, it is like watching them die a slow death.

I have 2 children, a son 44 and a daughter 43.

My daughter is not saved, lives in Florida, never married, no children, beautiful, but is a party girl. She doesn't talk to me much or to the rest of the family either. I think deep down she is not as happy as she pretends to be. If I mention Jesus to her, she tells me to have fun thinking about my "afterlife" while she does everything she can to enjoy this one.

Yeah, she sounds miserable.

My son wa saved over 20 years ago during a relationship with a born again believer. All 3 of us attended church together. He was a changed man. But the relatioship ended and my son didn't show alot of fruit in later years, But, he always assured me he knew Jesus and would be in Heaven with me. Always! A couple months ago he told me he changed his mind and he thinks there are many ways to Heaven as he can't fathom the thought that his paternal grandparents whom he adored (but were as Catholic as they come) are in Hell.

I like him. Poor guy. Can you imagine being raised by this woman. "You know your grandparents, sweetie? Yes, they loved you very much. They played with you and hugged you and got you great presents and they're screaming their lungs out while being tortured by demons right now. Right now! Isn't that great?" Srsly.

I have to admit that knowing the Rapture is upon us, I am already grieving for my children. I can't stand the agony, even though I know in my heart that if God wants them for His own, He will find a way.

This may sound awful, but I think I could deal better if they died KNOWING Jesus (prior to the Rapture) then knowing that they could die without knowing Jesus or that we could be taken at any time and they will be left behind.

Wow. That's . . . um . . . I dunno, maybe German has a word for that? English sure doesn't. I have never ever looked at any of my loved ones and thought, "You know, I'd feel better about things if you were dead. Right now. Yeah, that would make me more comfortable." That's . . . O.o

How do you find joy when you are a parent of lost children and you never know when the phone will ring with bad news with an accident or we never know when we will be raptured when things appear that it will likely be soon?

See, now I can answer that question: Take a lesson from your son and your daughter and stop believing silly shit like this and enjoy the life you have with them now, before it's too late.




*Or cats or horses or bunnies or hamsters, etc.

**I can't remember who came up with this idea, but I read once that Heaven and Hell are the same place, it's just that two different people will find the same thing to be both pleasing and displeasing, so for me, Heaven is endless fields of puppies, but for someone who is scared of dogs, that's simultaneously Hell. It's really quite a clever idea.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

You Shall Know Them By Their Love


The Rapturites were asked to define the Conservative Christian lifestyle- a request that had me cackling with glee right here at my desk before I even saw the responses.

I was wondering this today. What would make the Conservative Christian lifestyle stand out?

Things like no tv or movies, or nothing like that?


Honestly, I'm confused, too. I hope the Rapturites can clear this up for us.

The obvious answer to me is to put "Christ-honoring" things in your life, as opposed to things that satisfy the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, and the pride of life.

Of course, as far as I'm concerned, Conservative Christians tend to stand out from the crowd anyway, in that the things that matter most to the world, matter not to us.

Yeah, like CCs don't care about taxes or immigration or money or politics or owning stuff or status symbols or . . . um, yeah.

John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Yeah. CCs totally love everybody- except for gays, muslims, brown people, atheists, democrats, pacifists . . . everybody . . . who is just like them. It's love, I tell you!

The fruits of the Spirit.

Mangoes? It's mangoes, isn't it!

No one likes us because we hold to the Bible being true and the Word of God and it can be taken in literal context and no one likes us............

I don't like you because you used that smilee. Others may feel differently.

Obedience to God's will.

Dedication to daily prayer and Bible study.

Following Matthew Chapter 5.

Really? All of Chapter 5? That's interesting. Here's Matt 5:3-10, you may recognize it:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

The meek, the merciful, the peacemakers and the poor in spirit, huh? Really? That's who you think you are? Fascinating.

My idea of a conservative or fundamentalist Christian believer is not seeing or hearing or doing anything that our Lord and Savior would not want you to do.Jesus is right by our side.Should you be listening or watching or doing what you are doing with Jesus sitting by you?That can mean sacrificing alot of things that others around you are doing. But it will be well worth it when you meet Jesus face to face.

So you never urinate, defecate or bathe? Because I certainly couldn't do any of those things with some guy sitting right next to me*.

+1 Love. All the things you do and don't do on account of the love that is in you. Each of us is a unique creation, we weren't punched out with the same shape cookie cutter. We'll be different and do or not do different things, but it is God's love that is a common link and denominator among His children.

God's love . . . of hating brown people and socialism? Although, I would like the Underpants of +1 Love. That'd be awesome.

I would add: show and share the peace that surpasses all understanding, even in the worst of times. Show the JOY that that only come from God. Live by example. Of course flee all appearance of evil.

God does not want us to put on any kind of a show. He wants us to be a witness of what having the one true God in our lives can do. No other faith or religion has what we have. That is what stands out.

Show and share the peace that surpasses all understanding, but don't put on a show. Be a witness, but don't be all showy about it. Does mutually exclusive mean nothing to these people?

Well, the OP actually seems to have found wisdom in that mess, I'm just as confused as I ever was.




*Bathroom time is alone time. I cannot stress this enough.

Monday, March 28, 2011

You Should Have Listened

This was the perfect
cure to my very bad mood. Who can be cranky with such snarkilicious fun to be had?


Tony sat on his sofa surfing away on the tube.....

Surfing the tube, huh?

Life is fast and ya gotta play hard ....that is his motto

Really? My motto is water is wet and ur gonna need a towel.

last night, he was clubbing and this morning he's paying...."4 ibuprofen's and a gatorade...he's got to fuel up and replenish because he's dehydrated from too much alcohol

I . . . I . . . where does the quote end? Is that a quote? I'm a little unsure. In all honesty 4 advils and a gatorade is just a normal morning for me.

head's a pounding, his stomach's turning and life's passing him by....that part he doesn't get

"head's a pounding"? why are you doing this to me? it hurts- my soul.

his cell phone's got ten messages ....."Tony, I just called to remind you of the INVITE" "hey Tony, hope you get a chance to come" "hey bro, heard Sandy Invited ya already, but just wanted to invite ya myself....hope to see ya there"

okay, look, i don't care how you pronounce "you", it is spelled y-o-u. that is one more letter than "ya", i think you can handle it. also, why does "invite" keep getting unnecessary capitals? is it perhaps the capitol of some nation i am unfamiliar with? RSVPia?

It's Easter Sunday....and Tony had been invited to his cousin's church....they are having this drama or some type of special service "for us heathens" Tony had thought

who thinks "for us heathens"? anyone? anyone? is anyone in america unaware that christian churches have special services on easter?

"I know what they are up to?" "I got their game all figured out"

"I'm not their token show pony"

WTF does that mean? "token show pony"? i . . . i . . . my soul, it is weeping.


his head throbs in pain.....

"if I needed God to get women or something I could understand" but he see's

"see's"?! that is an apostrophe, not a decoration!

three text from his newest entree's on his phone....

i can't decide what's bothering me more, the use of "entree" in this situation, or the repeated apostrophe abuse. apostrophes are not used to create plurals, in case you were confused. the "s" does that. the "s" does not need further help.

"hey stud...can't wait to hook up next week" "yo, Tony it's me from last night at Grumpy's....REMEMBER?" "thanks for the drinks, call me when your in my area...we will have to hook up ..ya know?"

Y-O-U

Tony smiles in pride...."I hear ya ladies"..."so many women, and so little time"

i really dislike present tense writing.

SO LITTLE TIME.....boy did Tony have that right

DUM DUM DUM!

flying through the channels ..crashed on his couch, he came to one channel where a man stood speaking to the camera


a news reporter? "flying" and "crashed"? this is the description of an aviation accident.

"Today is the day of salvation, Now is the appointed time, and maybe Last time you are EVER GOING TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY AGAIN" ....

Tony hit the mute and cursed..."shut the heck up dude" "I've heard that all my life, Jesus has been coming back for over 2,000 years....give it a rest"

he didn't change the channel?

His cell phone is buzzing...new text

elipses do not replace words. His cell phone is buzzing, he has a new text. now was that so hard?

"Tony, so sorry you missed us today, .....praying you can come next week"

"Praying for ya Tony, prayed all service cause I thought you said you would come" "75 people gave their lives to Jesus ...it was awesome"

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE

don't blame you, Tony.

as quick as they came....Tony deleted every mention of Jesus and Church, his family was a bunch of "holy rollers" and it was just not on his radar

he had world's to conquer...women to meet

comma, use a fucking comma!

but the last text to come across ....jarred him for a sec

A space! That's all that is necessary, a single space. "but the last text to come across jarred him for a secOND".

"Hey Tony, it's Lizzie, I heard you might be at Church today....got my hopes up again but you didn't make it"

Tony slammed his cell phone shut.....Lizzie has always been his dream girl, but she dumped his butt when she gave her life to Jesus and Tony has resented Jesus ever since

um, sure, okay. Tony got cockblocked by Jesus. that's why we're all atheists. although, in my case, that would have to be a vagblock? Pussyblock? I'm not even sure.

all day long Tony ponders a reply, he hasn't hit delete to Lizzie's Message ..but it's not worth a reply

after a long nap.....his hangover "stealing time"

what does that mean? why is it in quotes? why is my brain outside of my skull, crawling away?

it's 10pm CST .....He turns his tv set back on.....BREAKING NEWS.......JUST MOMENTS AGO....911 call centers started receiving calls reporting hundreds and thousands of missing people

The Rapture occurs at 10pm CST? So, 11pm EST? Good to know.

Tony sat up from his place on his couch, His heart racing....."Tony, someday Jesus will Shout and Call His Church Home"..."and I don't want to miss out" "you can give Your Life to Jesus with Me or NOT but I'm going to be ready with or without you"

Lizzie's former plea... flashes in Tony's mind as he quickly picks up his cell phone and hits SEND ..calling Lizzie's number....NO ANSWER

NO ANSWER. DUM DUM DUM!

Tony dials his brother and sister n law who had text him earlier to remind him of THE
INVITE........NO ANSWER....PANIC sets in....

JESUS Has come and those most closest to Tony are Gone....They Heard the Shout

but NOT TONY,

Why?

He was NOT READY

Yeah, Tony, you have to take a shower before Jesus comes. Gatorade and Advil are not going to cut it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Ruling with a Rod of Iron

I realized, reading this, that a lot of people in this country screaming about fascism aren't actually opposed to fascism, they just want a very specific fascist state- one led by Jesus and his rod o' iron*.

Ruling with a rod of iron. I can't wait!

Revelation 12:5 (King James Version)

"And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne."

When you think about all the nations today, can you think of ONE nation that doesn't need to be "ruled with a rod of iron"? Including the U.S.? I can't. We have lost our way more than ever before.

Funny, I can't think of any countries that would benefit from theocracy/fascism/autocracy. It's really sad when Tunisians and Egyptians and Libyans are teaching Americans lessons in freedom and democracy. That was supposed to be our thing. We were so proud of it.

Come quickly Lord Jesus. I long for your rightous rule over this planet. I long for the day when the word "politician" and "dear leader" are no longer in our vocabulary. The meek shall inherit the earth and rightly so.

These people use the oddest definition of "meek" I've ever seen.

We need you Jesus. We have proven for thousands of years that without you, we are nothing but filthy rags; meaningless and good for nothing.

Speak for yourself. I am neither a filthy rag, nor meaningless, nor good for nothing. Honestly, say that sort of thing in any other context and people will be shipping you off to a therapist.

I agree with you on this one!

There'll be no more need for a press secretary, Cabinet meetings. The word "consensus" no longer needed. No more compromises made. No more presidential scandals. No criticisms directed against our King. Righteous judgment meted out immediately....no more dragged out trials. No need for LAWYERS. (no offense to any lawyers out there) Chances are you'll be just as thrilled, too!

Um, no. I just can't imagine what is supposed to be so attractive. This is an excellent description of the USSR under Stalin.

We won't have to question what our King says. Absolute Truth will reign supreme.

The list goes on and on with these wonderful thoughts....

You are scaring me.


You know, the Lost probably don't understand how we look forward to Someone reigning with a "rod of iron". Just as they don't understand how giving our lives away, surrendering our will, brings total freedom in this life. How submission truly works in marriage and in our relationship with the Lord.

No, I don't understand what is so awesome about someone reigning with a rod of iron. Nor do I understand how slavery = freedom and submission = healthy relationship. I don't think

YES!! Soooo looking forward to this time! Just imagine the peace and happiness and fullfillment you will experience knowing you are living under His authority on this planet.

Our hearts and our lives and our relationships will soar!

I'm going to send you to Egypt so you can learn all about democracy.

Can you imagine living in a place where there's no need to lock your doors - there might not even be locks! And children can play outside without parents worrying they'll be kidnapped or murdered. What a glorious day that will be!!!

No, I cannot imagine living on a planet populated by aliens.

The "rod of iron" is how God rules. It simply means that there's no compromise. God's kingdom holds the line in righteousnes and justice. If it was compromised, corruption would ensue, so the Lord isn't making any concessions.

It gives us peace knowing that He runs a kingdom where no evil dwells and that it is secure in every way.

As another has said, I'm looking forward to it.

Why can't any of these people handle spelling "righteous/ness"? So . . . the rod of iron means there will be no mercy, no sympathy, no compromise as if that were a bad thing. Scaring me, you are.

I've been watching FOX News programs (Huckabee/Judge Napolitano/John Stossel) this evening --all of them dealing with our debt crisis and unions and all--loss of our freedoms...) and have been thinking the same thing, Maranatha. Sitting in the chair, I was wondering what it will be like when our Lord governs. We know with each passing day we're getting closer.

So, loss of all our freedoms is bad until Jesus makes the loss of all our freedoms good?

IMO there will be sin in the millenium, thus the need for the 'rod of iron'. Sin will not go unpunished. Saints will serve as judges in disputes among people, and will decide these disputes on the principles and precepts of God, and nothing else. Decisions will be final, as in no endless appeals. No bribes, favorites, etc. There will be peace in nature: the lion and lamb; the child near a viper's nest, etc.
I think only the church actually receives incorruptible and immortal spiritual bodies, and in this way we will display and demonstrate the grace of God through all eternity. I just don't recall having read this particular promise in regard to OT and Trib saints, or residents of earth during the millenium.

AHA! The only reason any person supports fascism/autocracy/theocracy is because they think they will be on the winning end of things. If they thought they'd be on the whipping end of the stick, they'd fight against it with their dying breath. So, losing freedom is bad, unless you'll be the one taking away the freedom, in which case boo-yah!

Our fellow citizens, they are terrifying.


*I guarantee you that's already a porno.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

If You See My Brain, Let Me Know

As I read this discussion amongst raptards, my brain slipped out through my ear and ran away screaming. I can't say I blame it. (If you'd like to make your own brain run away screaming, consider that the following people vote.)


If you were the next elected President of the United States, what would you do fix the current problems facing Americans, and America, today?

At what point can America and Americans be separated?

I would get rid of the IRS. I would either do away with income tax entirely, OR, have a small amount that is paid by people with incomes greater than $50,000.00, something along the lines of 5%. No income tax forms to fill out at the end of the year. A value tax on most items, but not groceries, prescriptions, or medical services.

So . . . who's collecting that "small tax" and how will they differ from the IRS? How will you run the country without taxes? Hopes and dreams?

Remove as much government bureaucracy as possible. I'd love to hear examples from others on this one.

As I have none of my own. I'm not even sure what government bureaucracy is, just that Glenn Beck says it's bad.

Make it as easy as possible for people to start businesses, and stay in business.

Um, okay. Got something other than platitudes?

I'd get Dave Ramsey's message across to all Americans.....get out of debt, and stay out.

*headdesk*

What would you do to help our country get back on track, and make it better than ever?

First response:

The current income tax may still be workable, but we need to eliminate all the deductions (loopholes) and set the rates accordingly. Maybe the flat tax with variable rates would be better. I'm sure we could run all the data through a computer to get an unbiased opinion.

A variable flat tax, huh? Also, computers- how do they work?

Declare a one year income tax holiday for all small business owners making less than $$$ (to be determined). Perhaps a 50% off deal the second year, if necessary. That won't directly help the average Joe already working, but it sure could go a long way to putting 15 million people back to work.

And you will be replacing those tax dollars with what? Love? Maybe we can ask the computer, it has an unbiased opinion.

We also need to make it mandatory for every parent to actively participate in the educational process of their children from K thru 12. I would make Bill Cosby the Education Czar with broad, sweeping powers. I'm tired of hearing mothers shouting, "They shot my Johnny. We have to stop this." We can. Get involved with your kids and know what they are doing. Teach them pride in being productive citizens and they'll want to get an education.

I think that may be racist, but how? How will you make people involved and how are you defining "involved"? How will you enforce that? More bureaucracy?

Next up:


I'd start with a zero based budget. In other words, there is no "you got $x last year, so this year you'll get that plus a little extra." There would be a lot of "is this program really necessary?" My guess is 99 times out of a 100 the answer would be no.

Bet that hundredth time is the military, right? Does anyone at Rapture Ready have any clue what the government does for them every day? No, of course they don't. They want to build their own roads and direct their own air traffic and eat tainted meat. It's what Jesus would want!

But wait, there's more!

The first thing I would do is declare a mandatory (temporary) evacuation of all muslims in the workplace.
I'd send an ARMY to keep the border safe and then, I would have a little "Come to Jesus" meeting with America and try to steer them back to Jesus.

So you think Hitler was right, just a little off on the details. These people vote. They vote!

Reminding me that Hitler didn't work alone:

This short list in no way covers everything I would do, though the few things I mention would have to be executed gradually.

1. Flat tax across the board.

2. Slash government down to 1/4 it's current size. Shrink IRS down to a very small size and eliminate the EPA except for the regulatory part that works to keep our land clean. These reductions would be well-calculated and targeted throughout the different governmental roles. Government reduction is the most important part of everything because this is where the greatest offset will occur.

3. Eliminate death tax, capital gains, FICA, and eventually Soc Security with its taxes.

4. Businesses no longer required to provide healthcare - that should be an independent purchase by the consumer.

5. Balanced budget amendment.

I can sum that up as: I hate the poor and want them all to die.

He's not the only one.


No more progressive income tax. Everyone across the board would pay 13% flat tax no matter what your income is. Businesses and corporations would be tax exempt because this will open up more revenue, and would make the US the largest tax haven in the world.

Poor people, I hate them. A lot. It's weird, I swear Jesus had something to say about the poor. Apparently, it was, "Starve them to death and dance on their wasted corpses."

Someone doesn't understand where money comes from.

Find a way to bring healthcare other than the emergency room to all Americans. Especially the working poor who cannot afford even a doctors office visit or insurance.

Fucking government spending! How does it work?

Limit law enforcements power to stick their nose in everybodys business and limit their power to actual crimes which actually hurt other people.

Fucking law enforcement! How does it work?

Sticking with the ICP theme, we have:

Amend the Constitution: It is illegal for any congress/president to sacrifice national sovreignty.
Administrations may establish protocols for international dealings, but such protocols must be readopted by each succeeding administration or they become null and void.

Fucking international relations! How do they work? Seriously, if the entire world knows that every treaty with the US has an expiration date of, at most, 4 years in the future, are they likely to want to deal with us?

Cut spending, bureracracy, waste. Call in the Marines if its too difficult.

Somebody's been watching too much Rambo.

Move the UN off of US soil and advise islam to take their argument up with God. As for US, we know which side of the Bread is buttered. Israel has put up with enough. Islam does not want peace, open your eyes and look.

Yes, that will solve everything!

These are serious ideas from people who vote. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

WOW Is About to Get That Much More Annoying

Dark elves apparently frequent Country & Western bars.

I played WOW* for about 5 minutes, and I spent that entire time dancing, but for the love of gaming, does absolutely everything have to be about evangelism? Honestly, just because you have no life and no other interests, doesn't mean the rest of us don't.


I am exploring creative ways to evangelize in the dark corners where few people tread with the Gospel.

One of those, is in the realm of MMORPG, specifically, World of Warcraft. I've started low-level characters on a couple of the RP (Role play) servers. Some of these are Priests, and so it's natural for them to talk like, well, Priests!! (I don't know why I didn't think of this before, it's working brilliantly!) I get to share the Gospel and I've had some positive responses!

OK so another avenue I want to exploit is the fact that World of Warcraft is going to be going through a huge change in November.... the game "world" is going to change drastically, and they call this game update "Cataclysm". Interesting, with everything going on in the real world, that this is being brought about in-game. Well, I'm not going to let this go to waste!!

Those of you who have seen The Princess Bride will remember the scene where Andre the Giant wears a Holocoaust Cloak and spooks the guards at the castle... he's muttering some sort of weird doom scenario... so I want to replicate that. I have a character with the perfect outfit (cloak and hood) and I want a script about the upcoming *real* Cataclysm, to tell about the truth of the Rapture... people will disappear.... tribulation is coming.... one world government, the AC, the MOTB, all of that stuff, and that there is still time to repent while it is today.


And The Princess Bride? Is nothing sacred?

Also, isn't it always today?



*World of Warcraft. It wasn't for me, but the dancing is awesome.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Atheist Survival Guide

to the Rapture . . .

I guess this would be useful for many of the people here.Since nobody believes anymore.

Since you're all damned sinners going to hell!!1!!eleventy!!!

Post Rapture Survival Guide

by Kurt Seland


The purpose of this manual is twofold:

First of all, it is to warn those who receive this manual prior to the rapture of the events that will take place in the last days as foretold in the Bible. Based on what the Bible has to say about future events, nobody in their right mind would want live on earth after the rapture. Hopefully, many will read, believe, seek God, repent and be saved. Salvation is very simple, so simple to attain, in fact, that most people cannot accept its simplicity; thereby reject it completely. However, it is complex because it is life-changing and based on that which we cannot see; it is based on faith. Simple, because Jesus does all the work.

It's simple, but it's complex. Simply complex. Complexly simple.

By the way, this is listed as the Post Rapture (Atheist) Survival Guide which I find terribly amusing because according to the rapturites only a very tiny percentage of Christians are getting raptured, which means that either atheists need their own survival guide or we're now defining everything from Catholics to Pagans as atheists.

Let me be really frank with you. If you are reading this manual and the rapture has already occurred, then you probably are not going to physically survive; you most likely will die sometime in the next few years. This manual is about the survival of your soul. You are going to go through terrible suffering. The only question that remains is whether you will go to Heaven or go to hell when you die.

What's hilarious about that is that, according to rapturites, saving your soul is as simple as accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, so why the 40,000 word essay on physical conditions after the rapture? Oh, right, it's rapturite porn. I forgot.

Definition: Rapture--This is the event that will occur when Jesus calls His followers (both gentile and Jewish believers) with a trumpet blast, and in the "twinkling of an eye" they will be removed from the earth and transported to be with Jesus in the heavens.

So, not only do you not understand what an atheist is, you clearly don't know what a Jew is.

In today's political environment there is no effective leadership in the world. Every nation lacks strong and competent leaders able to deal with the problems at home and abroad. The United States, which has been the world leader for the last 50 years, has steadily lost its influence among other nations because of political leaders in the United States who have no moral center to direct their decision making process. However, this distrust and dislike of government and government leaders is not just an American phenomenon but is a common theme in Europe, South America, Asia and the entire world. Because of this leadership vacuum in the world, there is now an opportunity for a man to arise who is very charismatic, strong, and attractive to peoples of all nations. Based on the prophecies in the Bible such a man will arise, and he will be successful in uniting the various nations to rule as a dictator.

Europe, South America, Asia and the entire world. You forgot the rest of your continents, didn't you?

The foundational building block of society, that element which has always been responsible for social order and peace, is the family, and it has been virtually destroyed. The family is to be a man, his wife and their children. The man provides for the wife and children, the wife nurtures and educates the children, and the children obey their parents. In a community of families, adults hold the other adults and children accountable for their actions. The family is based on marriage.

Oh, so my disabled husband and I don't qualify as a family? Well, I guess we didn't even when he was the primary breadwinner, because we don't have children. Fuck it, then, I'm doomed to hell anyway.

Marriage is an institution of God and therefore hated by Satan. The devil has worked very hard, primarily through communications media such as TV, movies, news journalists, and entertainment in general to convince women that marriage is detrimental to their freedom and fulfillment in life. Satan has deceived women into believing that they have the same sexual desire as men and that all differences are the result of culture. Satan has worked hard to divide men and women and have them at war with one another, and because of this, the violence between men and women has dramatically increased.

Satan convinced me that I have the same sexual desires as men? Really? It was Satan. Good to know it wasn't, I dunno, biology. The cake is a lie, kids. I'm also amused that apparently, there was no spousal abuse or rape prior to the "communications media". Also good to know.

Civil war has been a constant theme of this age and unrest will continue into the end times: man vs. women, black vs. white, Moslem vs. Jew, Catholic vs. Protestant, Moslem vs. Christian, one Moslem faction vs. another Moslem faction, one black African tribe vs. another black African tribe, nation vs. nation, people vs. people. Whatever divides people into different groups, Satan uses to inspire hate, strife and violence.

Yes, there was no hate, strife or violence prior to the "communications media". Certainly no violence recorded in the Bible. Nope, none at all. (And absolutely no incest or murder!) Also loving the racism readily apparent in your examples, asshat.

Homosexuality and all sorts of perverse behavior are accepted as normal. The world dictator (anti-christ) himself will not have the normal sexual attraction to women and may be asexual. Many theologians believe that he will probably be openly homosexual as indicated in the Bible in the book of Daniel 11:37: "and he will show no regard for the gods of his fathers or for the desire of women". And therefore, after the rapture, more than likely marriage will be discouraged or illegal, and homosexual and lesbian relationships highly encouraged.

Uh huh. Have you considered Haldol? I hear it's lovely in situations such as yours.

In the gospel of Matthew, chapter 24, Jesus spoke to his disciples and indicated to them that one of the signs of the time of the end of the world would be, "...as it were in the days of Noah so will the coming of the son of man be." We read in Genesis that in the days of Noah "the earth was filled with violence.". This speaks not only of the violence that men inflict on one another—war, civil wars, rape, brutality, murder, abortion, and other indiscriminate, random acts of violence—but the earth itself is also filled with violence. We see increasing earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, drought, lightning storms and unusual atmospheric phenomena. While all of these have existed in the past, over the last 50 years, the number and intensity of these conditions and the property damage associated with these natural catastrophes has increased. As the level of violence that the human species has inflicted on one another has increased, so has the violent reaction of the earth increased.

Two words: climate change.

This is an event that will not be hidden. The concept of the rapture has already been made known to the masses. It will be treated with ridicule, contempt and mockery by the world's media, but God will see to it that it will be highly publicized before it occurs just so that those left behind might still come to their senses. It will occur in the open, and everybody left behind will know someone who was raptured.

Everyone will know someone who was raptured? Really? What about countries that are 98% Muslim? What about Buddhist monks? Will they know a raptured person? If so, how?

So, although the rapture will shock everybody and will be covered in the media and everybody left will be aware of someone who is gone, the leaders of the world will begin their great deception, trying to convince the population left behind that there was no rapture.

If we all know people who were raptured, how the fuck is CNN going to convince us that it didn't happen?

The Bible does not say who [the Two Witnesses] are. Many speculate that they are Elijah and Enoch, two ancient prophets of God who never died. Regardless, they will be responsible for many of the natural catastrophes that will wreak havoc on the property and economy of the earth. They will have the power to prevent rain, and there will be a 3 1/2 year drought on earth until they die. They will turn water into blood and cause all kinds of plagues on earth and, in general, make life miserable for those who are living on earth. Also, they will be invincible, as many will try to kill them only to be killed by their own hands. Those who attempt to blow them up will themselves be blown up; those who attempt to shoot them will have their guns explode in their hands; those who attempt to poison them will be poisoned by their own efforts. Only the world dictator will be able to kill them and only when God allows it.

The purpose of all the misery that these two witnesses inflict on the earth dwellers is to turn people back to God in repentance. The misery will be so great that when the world dictator does finally kill these two, the world will rejoice in a Christmas-like celebration, giving gifts to one another. Three and one-half days after their death they will be resurrected and, in full view of the entire population of the world, ascend to heaven at the command of God when He calls them to "Come up here." Shortly after he kills the two witnesses, the world dictator will declare himself to be God. He is the anti-christ.

So, in short, God will attempt to convince me to love him by causing to psychopaths with magic powers to torment me and everyone else on Earth. The ways of the Lord are mysterious indeed!

This era will be the most violent of times in the history of the world. Death, brutality and destruction will be part of everyday life. One of the defining characteristics of the last days following the rapture will be a lack of peace. There will be civil wars throughout the world: people will kill one another indiscriminately. Random acts of violence will fill people with fear. Car-jackings, home invasions, drive by shootings, and bombings will all increase with an intensity that will leave people with absolutely no sense of security.

So . . . the tribulation will be like every other point in history, involving wars and violence.

Prior to the rapture, the world experienced an increase in health-related catastrophes, an increase in new infectious diseases and an increase in the return of diseases thought to have been eradicated or brought under control. The past two decades have brought on AIDS, EBOLA virus, flesh-eating bacteria, the return of tuberculosis, incurable gonorrhea, herpes and many other virtually incurable sexually transmitted diseases.

In addition to all this, because of the poor economic situation worldwide and the 3 1/2 year drought that depletes the world's supply of water, sanitation practices will deteriorate even in what were advanced nations in Europe and North America. With the short supply of water, there won't be sufficient water for flushing toilets, taking baths, washing clothes and transporting wastewater to treatment facilities. This will result in the increase of typhus, cholera, salmonella and E.coli infections.

Therefore, since you have decided to reject Christ's offer to join in the rapture, your concern is how to maintain good health in the post rapture era. You must build a supply of multiple vitamins with particular emphasis on anti-oxidants such as C and E and minerals. It will also be necessary to have a supply of disinfectants, particularly one that can be added to water to make it potable.

Yeah, I don't think Vitamins C and E are going to prevent ebola and cholera. If they could, we wouldn't have ebola or cholera, or AIDS or herpes or anything else.

The one thing to avoid, however, beyond the carjackings, wars, ebola and cholera, is the mark.

Above all, do not accept the mark of the beast on your right hand or forehead. If you do take the mark then nothing can be done for you—you will suffer the malignant ulcer making the rest of your life almost unbearable. Did you ever have a canker sore in your mouth? If so, then you know how painful that one little canker sore was. Now think of having canker sores all over your body, on your genitalia, in your mouth. Think how painful and unbearable your life will be. Then follow that misery with eternity in hell. Don't take that mark!

Is it one malignant ulcer (what is that, anyway?) or is it bodywide herpes? Please be specific. I'd like to lay in a supply of Valtrex now. Oh, and the hell. Maybe that's what the Vitamin C is for.
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Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.