Monday, September 20, 2010

Lucidity Optional

[Note: I haven't slept in 24 hours. In that time, I have spent 12 hours unable to pee, 6 hours in the ER and had 3 doses of Dilaudid. Lucidity may vary.]

Dear Doctors, Physician's Assistants, Nurses, etc. at the ER Thursday night and Sunday night:

You are awesome. You were kind, patient and understanding when I was suffering horribly and that made it better. Oh, and the Radiology Techs with the warmed blankets? Amazing!

Dear Doctor GoFuckYourself on Saturday morning:

Seriously, go fuck yourself. I don't care if it is the grossest thing you've ever seen, please do not refer to my painfully swollen genitals as NAAAASTYY!!1!! ever again. Let alone three times. I was so humiliated by you, I waited far too long to go back to the hospital to get some actual help. Which, amazingly, was provided. By actual human beings instead of sociopaths.

To the reader:

I know it sucks to pee if you have irritation from an infection or kidney stones or whatever. Sucks as in "feels like pouring sulfuric acid all over my genitals". I know it is tempting to restrict your drinking on the grounds that you'll be peeing less, ergo less pain. (That's what I thought, anyway.)

Quick chemistry lesson: Urine is water, uric acid and salts. It's the uric acid and salts that cause the pain and irritation. If you cut out the water, that's just concentrating the uric acid and salts. Can you say "ZOMG THAT'S SWOLLEN!" Can you also say "HOLY SHIT, IT'S SO SWOLLEN I CAN NO LONGER PEE!" That's what I said. And yes, I did say it all in caps. See, if you increase your water intake, the urine is diluted, so it's mostly water and very little acid and salt. Yes, you pee more, but it hurts way less each time. That's the sort of knowledge that would have saved me 6 hours in the ER last night.

Anyway, I'm much better now, I just need a nap. You should review the Revised Standard Pain Chart before your next ER venture.



7 comments:

  1. Owww. Thanks for reminding me why I should consider myself divinely lucky never to have experienced any urinary infections or kidney stones or whatever (it’s not very clear which you have). Or migraines. Or broken bones. Makes sheltered bedroom living seem that much better all of a sudden.

    … No comment.

    Anyway. Best wishes, of course, and have a good convalescence. Hope to hear more snark from ya soon.

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  2. Except for the swollen prostate, the water works is in fairly good fettle. The one place that seems OK, and I don't think I'd like it if it wasn't.

    For cancer I go from Altoona to Pittsburgh, and today was my day. Water works are extremely important. If you don't want to drive yourself (I don't drive, it really tires my wife) the VA doth provide a shuttle. One catcheth it very early in the morning, it departeth at 0700. One is well advised to NOT take one's blood pressure medication prior to leaving as there is only one stop between Altoona and Pittsburgh where one may use the facilities. And the road is BUMPY!
    The good news: There IS a stop
    Bad news: the men's room has only a one-holer
    GN: most of us are elderly and somewhat crippled up so the more hale can get there quickly
    BN: We're ALL pretty crippled up and get there in a bunch
    GN: We all have enlarged prostates so while painful, retention is a bit easier
    BN: The guy using the facilities has an enlarged prostate, too, and it reeeaaally takes a while for relief.
    So, there's over twenty old geezers trying to look nonchalant as they do their best to keep from doing a wee-wee dance like a three year old or leap about in distress like demented salmon.

    Yeah, life can suck.

    Two doctors that I would really be tempted to teach the wisdom of the old southern saying, "Never pick a fight with an old man" the hard way:

    They were going to start me on Interferon, and this person told me I better put on weight as the side effects were such that I needed some sort of a nutritional cushion.
    Due to my siezure disorder and the effects of Inertferon, they took me off of it, and the same guy really gave me hell for my weight, called me a "fat slob" and professed contempt for all who "let themselves go" as I had. Lucky for him my wife wasn't with me that day.

    Then there was that Albert Schweizer clone last year who, when apprised of the fact that I was in agony, simply said, "So"? His thesis was that pain wasn't "clinically signifigant". If it couldn't be quantified it had no meaning or importance and it concerned him not.

    If I could have moved and gotten to my cane, we'd of seen how "subjective" and "insignifigant" he would have found it.

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  3. That doctor is a fuckbag. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

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  4. Dude, Dr. Gofuckyourself is fucked up. I am hoping you feel better! love and puppies!

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  5. My sympathies, Pers. All the best to you.

    cheers from sunny Vienna, zilch

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  6. Gah. Getter better, and fast.

    I command it!

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  7. this is the 3rd or 4th time a comment of mine has dissapeard. ??


    so, i say again - i send you GoodThoughts, through the Pagan Ether of course! feel better.

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Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

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