Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Atheist Survival Guide

to the Rapture . . .

I guess this would be useful for many of the people here.Since nobody believes anymore.

Since you're all damned sinners going to hell!!1!!eleventy!!!

Post Rapture Survival Guide

by Kurt Seland

The purpose of this manual is twofold:

First of all, it is to warn those who receive this manual prior to the rapture of the events that will take place in the last days as foretold in the Bible. Based on what the Bible has to say about future events, nobody in their right mind would want live on earth after the rapture. Hopefully, many will read, believe, seek God, repent and be saved. Salvation is very simple, so simple to attain, in fact, that most people cannot accept its simplicity; thereby reject it completely. However, it is complex because it is life-changing and based on that which we cannot see; it is based on faith. Simple, because Jesus does all the work.

It's simple, but it's complex. Simply complex. Complexly simple.

By the way, this is listed as the Post Rapture (Atheist) Survival Guide which I find terribly amusing because according to the rapturites only a very tiny percentage of Christians are getting raptured, which means that either atheists need their own survival guide or we're now defining everything from Catholics to Pagans as atheists.

Let me be really frank with you. If you are reading this manual and the rapture has already occurred, then you probably are not going to physically survive; you most likely will die sometime in the next few years. This manual is about the survival of your soul. You are going to go through terrible suffering. The only question that remains is whether you will go to Heaven or go to hell when you die.

What's hilarious about that is that, according to rapturites, saving your soul is as simple as accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, so why the 40,000 word essay on physical conditions after the rapture? Oh, right, it's rapturite porn. I forgot.

Definition: Rapture--This is the event that will occur when Jesus calls His followers (both gentile and Jewish believers) with a trumpet blast, and in the "twinkling of an eye" they will be removed from the earth and transported to be with Jesus in the heavens.

So, not only do you not understand what an atheist is, you clearly don't know what a Jew is.

In today's political environment there is no effective leadership in the world. Every nation lacks strong and competent leaders able to deal with the problems at home and abroad. The United States, which has been the world leader for the last 50 years, has steadily lost its influence among other nations because of political leaders in the United States who have no moral center to direct their decision making process. However, this distrust and dislike of government and government leaders is not just an American phenomenon but is a common theme in Europe, South America, Asia and the entire world. Because of this leadership vacuum in the world, there is now an opportunity for a man to arise who is very charismatic, strong, and attractive to peoples of all nations. Based on the prophecies in the Bible such a man will arise, and he will be successful in uniting the various nations to rule as a dictator.

Europe, South America, Asia and the entire world. You forgot the rest of your continents, didn't you?

The foundational building block of society, that element which has always been responsible for social order and peace, is the family, and it has been virtually destroyed. The family is to be a man, his wife and their children. The man provides for the wife and children, the wife nurtures and educates the children, and the children obey their parents. In a community of families, adults hold the other adults and children accountable for their actions. The family is based on marriage.

Oh, so my disabled husband and I don't qualify as a family? Well, I guess we didn't even when he was the primary breadwinner, because we don't have children. Fuck it, then, I'm doomed to hell anyway.

Marriage is an institution of God and therefore hated by Satan. The devil has worked very hard, primarily through communications media such as TV, movies, news journalists, and entertainment in general to convince women that marriage is detrimental to their freedom and fulfillment in life. Satan has deceived women into believing that they have the same sexual desire as men and that all differences are the result of culture. Satan has worked hard to divide men and women and have them at war with one another, and because of this, the violence between men and women has dramatically increased.

Satan convinced me that I have the same sexual desires as men? Really? It was Satan. Good to know it wasn't, I dunno, biology. The cake is a lie, kids. I'm also amused that apparently, there was no spousal abuse or rape prior to the "communications media". Also good to know.

Civil war has been a constant theme of this age and unrest will continue into the end times: man vs. women, black vs. white, Moslem vs. Jew, Catholic vs. Protestant, Moslem vs. Christian, one Moslem faction vs. another Moslem faction, one black African tribe vs. another black African tribe, nation vs. nation, people vs. people. Whatever divides people into different groups, Satan uses to inspire hate, strife and violence.

Yes, there was no hate, strife or violence prior to the "communications media". Certainly no violence recorded in the Bible. Nope, none at all. (And absolutely no incest or murder!) Also loving the racism readily apparent in your examples, asshat.

Homosexuality and all sorts of perverse behavior are accepted as normal. The world dictator (anti-christ) himself will not have the normal sexual attraction to women and may be asexual. Many theologians believe that he will probably be openly homosexual as indicated in the Bible in the book of Daniel 11:37: "and he will show no regard for the gods of his fathers or for the desire of women". And therefore, after the rapture, more than likely marriage will be discouraged or illegal, and homosexual and lesbian relationships highly encouraged.

Uh huh. Have you considered Haldol? I hear it's lovely in situations such as yours.

In the gospel of Matthew, chapter 24, Jesus spoke to his disciples and indicated to them that one of the signs of the time of the end of the world would be, " it were in the days of Noah so will the coming of the son of man be." We read in Genesis that in the days of Noah "the earth was filled with violence.". This speaks not only of the violence that men inflict on one another—war, civil wars, rape, brutality, murder, abortion, and other indiscriminate, random acts of violence—but the earth itself is also filled with violence. We see increasing earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, drought, lightning storms and unusual atmospheric phenomena. While all of these have existed in the past, over the last 50 years, the number and intensity of these conditions and the property damage associated with these natural catastrophes has increased. As the level of violence that the human species has inflicted on one another has increased, so has the violent reaction of the earth increased.

Two words: climate change.

This is an event that will not be hidden. The concept of the rapture has already been made known to the masses. It will be treated with ridicule, contempt and mockery by the world's media, but God will see to it that it will be highly publicized before it occurs just so that those left behind might still come to their senses. It will occur in the open, and everybody left behind will know someone who was raptured.

Everyone will know someone who was raptured? Really? What about countries that are 98% Muslim? What about Buddhist monks? Will they know a raptured person? If so, how?

So, although the rapture will shock everybody and will be covered in the media and everybody left will be aware of someone who is gone, the leaders of the world will begin their great deception, trying to convince the population left behind that there was no rapture.

If we all know people who were raptured, how the fuck is CNN going to convince us that it didn't happen?

The Bible does not say who [the Two Witnesses] are. Many speculate that they are Elijah and Enoch, two ancient prophets of God who never died. Regardless, they will be responsible for many of the natural catastrophes that will wreak havoc on the property and economy of the earth. They will have the power to prevent rain, and there will be a 3 1/2 year drought on earth until they die. They will turn water into blood and cause all kinds of plagues on earth and, in general, make life miserable for those who are living on earth. Also, they will be invincible, as many will try to kill them only to be killed by their own hands. Those who attempt to blow them up will themselves be blown up; those who attempt to shoot them will have their guns explode in their hands; those who attempt to poison them will be poisoned by their own efforts. Only the world dictator will be able to kill them and only when God allows it.

The purpose of all the misery that these two witnesses inflict on the earth dwellers is to turn people back to God in repentance. The misery will be so great that when the world dictator does finally kill these two, the world will rejoice in a Christmas-like celebration, giving gifts to one another. Three and one-half days after their death they will be resurrected and, in full view of the entire population of the world, ascend to heaven at the command of God when He calls them to "Come up here." Shortly after he kills the two witnesses, the world dictator will declare himself to be God. He is the anti-christ.

So, in short, God will attempt to convince me to love him by causing to psychopaths with magic powers to torment me and everyone else on Earth. The ways of the Lord are mysterious indeed!

This era will be the most violent of times in the history of the world. Death, brutality and destruction will be part of everyday life. One of the defining characteristics of the last days following the rapture will be a lack of peace. There will be civil wars throughout the world: people will kill one another indiscriminately. Random acts of violence will fill people with fear. Car-jackings, home invasions, drive by shootings, and bombings will all increase with an intensity that will leave people with absolutely no sense of security.

So . . . the tribulation will be like every other point in history, involving wars and violence.

Prior to the rapture, the world experienced an increase in health-related catastrophes, an increase in new infectious diseases and an increase in the return of diseases thought to have been eradicated or brought under control. The past two decades have brought on AIDS, EBOLA virus, flesh-eating bacteria, the return of tuberculosis, incurable gonorrhea, herpes and many other virtually incurable sexually transmitted diseases.

In addition to all this, because of the poor economic situation worldwide and the 3 1/2 year drought that depletes the world's supply of water, sanitation practices will deteriorate even in what were advanced nations in Europe and North America. With the short supply of water, there won't be sufficient water for flushing toilets, taking baths, washing clothes and transporting wastewater to treatment facilities. This will result in the increase of typhus, cholera, salmonella and E.coli infections.

Therefore, since you have decided to reject Christ's offer to join in the rapture, your concern is how to maintain good health in the post rapture era. You must build a supply of multiple vitamins with particular emphasis on anti-oxidants such as C and E and minerals. It will also be necessary to have a supply of disinfectants, particularly one that can be added to water to make it potable.

Yeah, I don't think Vitamins C and E are going to prevent ebola and cholera. If they could, we wouldn't have ebola or cholera, or AIDS or herpes or anything else.

The one thing to avoid, however, beyond the carjackings, wars, ebola and cholera, is the mark.

Above all, do not accept the mark of the beast on your right hand or forehead. If you do take the mark then nothing can be done for you—you will suffer the malignant ulcer making the rest of your life almost unbearable. Did you ever have a canker sore in your mouth? If so, then you know how painful that one little canker sore was. Now think of having canker sores all over your body, on your genitalia, in your mouth. Think how painful and unbearable your life will be. Then follow that misery with eternity in hell. Don't take that mark!

Is it one malignant ulcer (what is that, anyway?) or is it bodywide herpes? Please be specific. I'd like to lay in a supply of Valtrex now. Oh, and the hell. Maybe that's what the Vitamin C is for.


  1. Some of the comments on that thread are absolutely priceless.

    And, yes, the whole idea is absurd. "It will happen just the way we've prophesied it, even though we've made the prophecies so mainstream that real events can't possibly turn out that way!"

  2. Bonus points for the Portal quote.

  3. Everyone will know someone who was raptured? Really? What about countries that are 98% Muslim? What about Buddhist monks? Will they know a raptured person? If so, how?

    You are forgetting about the children, remember that random age of accountability that no one is able to actually pin down. Although that still doesn't answer about Buddhist monks.

  4. Also, when I first saw your title, I figured this was going to be something like the Zombie Survival Guide - except, y'know, with atheists instead of zombies. So now I have this image of hordes of atheists roaming the streets in ragged clothing, infecting others with their disbelief.

  5. So, not only do you not understand what an atheist is, you clearly don't know what a Jew is.

    Oh, come on. Messianic Jews (you know, "Jews for Jesus") - not sure how many are rapture-ready, but there you go.

    You forgot the rest of your continents, didn't you?

    Are there a lot of rapture-followers in Antarctica? I'm thinking that's mostly scientists, who tend to be too smart to fall for this stuff.

    But you're right. This guy's a champ.

    The past two decades have brought on AIDS, EBOLA virus, flesh-eating bacteria, the return of tuberculosis, incurable gonorrhea, herpes and many other virtually incurable sexually transmitted diseases.

    You mean the theoretical "incurable gonorrhea" that MAY occur, at some point, since some strains are showing resistance to cephalosporins? Is that the one?

    BTW, AIDS, as best we can tell, originated in Africa about a century ago. Which is different from "the past two decades" by just a little bit.

    "the return of tuberculosis"? Really? Dude, it never went away. It just plateaued for a while in the industrialized nations, until exposure to drugs bred drug-resistant strains.

    And I really like "The past two decades have brought on... many other virtually incurable sexually transmitted diseases." Really? Which ones? The "newest" is about a century old. Herpes? Just because you hadn't heard about it doesn't mean it wasn't around in Ancient Greece. (Hell, in pre-Revolutionary France, it was called "the nobleman's disease")

    Just another area this guy is clueless in.

  6. Genital herpes actually gets three lines in Romeo & Juliet. Those "lady's lips"? Not the ones attached to her mouth.

  7. I drive some of the people I know crazy with my take on their rapture riff.

    I tell them that people being as contrary as they arte, we probably won't run wild in the streets. Should be able to kick back and go through the "raptureds" stuff. I like this appliance, that knick-knack...when you're gone I'll just come over and help myself, and enjoy it.

    You'd be surprised how angry some of the people get when I mention this. They indicate that I should leave their stuff alone, it's THEIRS even if they can't touch it and won't want it.

  8. ...

    you know what i sometimes sort of [not really just in a nasty way] hope for?

    Ragnorok. as in the RETURN OF THE GIANTS and Valkyries and Odin fighting...

    *JUST* to piss off all those sanctimonious "Christians" who are incapable of following the dictates of their faith...

  9. The atheists are coming to my city - MONTREAL!

    please be sure to stop by for tea

    atheism is dead forever!


    add comment moderation to your BS

    you will not have a PUBLIC FORUM

    NEW GAME WITH YOU LITTLE F*CKERS - SPEAK N DIE. Come see the latest DM videos for your viewing pleasure!


    And the Pope is 100% correct: The Nazis and the atheists both wish to ABOLISH FAITH....


    hawking is WRONG

    science cannot explain NOTHING!



  10. That sounds like it would make a really cool movie!!! A comedy, of course!

  11. @ Denelian - do you mind if I borrow that as an idea for a short story? (Or at least a humorous sketch...?)

  12. Michael;

    go for it! it does seem like it could be a great comedy sort o' thing [all my writing time is going to my Dresden game, with just a little bit of time devoted to my "The Rapture is REALLY aliens getting so mad at various BS injustices, they take everyone female away for a decade to see if people can stop being assholes" story. :) ]


  13. denelian, I recently had a dream that I survived Ragnarok. Somehow. Under the sea. With Thor. Who was actually Alexander Skarsgard. Who I was married to, but whose first wife wasn't actually dead? So it turned out we weren't married? (In our under-sea castle thing? And Eric Bana played into this somehow.

    Anyway, it was Ragnarok, and I survived it.

    (I don't know.)

  14. CNymph;

    Here's my crown, my trophy and my ribbon - you have now won FIRST PRIZE in the "weirdest WHAT THE FUCK dream EVAR!!!11!!!" contest. enjoy.

    but i'll grand that Alexander Skardgard is MMM!!! dream-worthy :D

    [if that's a PROPHETIC dream, will you be my friend? i wouldn't mind surving Ragnorok... lol]

  15. I HOPE it's a prophetic dream, because that means that I am somehow married to Eric Bana and Alexander Skarsgard, and that they are both secretly gods.

  16. true :) that WOULD be beyond awesome!

  17. Sorry I couldn't make it through this post but I see that you have overlooked the "bible" for the un-saved in the end-times, "How to Profit From the Coming Rapture: Getting Ahead When You're Left Behind" by Steve and Evie Levy. Just because the world is filled with disaster and death doesn't mean you can't make a killing. Here's the link to the paperback edition:


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