Saturday, September 18, 2010

Rules for the Empire

You should just assume I'll have crack squads of marksmen standing by everywhere.

Here it is folks, I'm laying out the Atheist Agendatm for all the world to see: to leverage this minor blog into my becoming Empress of the Entire Freakin' World. I know, who would've seen that coming?

Anyway, so you can be prepared when I seize power (during an incident that will later be known as the Improbable Soup Disaster), I thought I'd give you a preview of what the Empire will be all about.

Hats. Everyone will wear hats because I like them. If you don’t like your assigned hat, you are welcome to fight someone else for their hat. If you think your hat looks stupid, that’s probably because I don’t like you. You're welcome to complain, but then again, maybe I was complimenting you with that hat- is that a risk you're willing to take?

Health care. Universal. Free. Will include dental and vision. If you don’t like it, you can feel free to die of an infected papercut.

Birth Control. Free, available at every gas station convenient store and it will come in designer colours.

Jeggings. Jeggings will be a form of punishment only. Due to the universal and free healthcare, we will no longer be able to incarcerate any but the most dangerous criminals. This will result in a series of increasingly bizarre and amusing punishments, eventually culminating in a Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome dance contest, after which I assume people will no longer commit minor crimes.

Gay marriage. Of course.

Religion. I will allow major religions, but only so I can promote quirky, offbeat religions, so I suggest you work out the tenets of your faith in advance. Extra points for pageantry that creates an element of otherwise avoidable danger!

Grammar. The Grammar Police will be consuming fully 25% of our former defense budget. I suggest everyone learn how commas work now, before soldiers in lavender berets waltz through your front door and teach you at the end of a bayonet. A reciprocating saw bayonet. And they will literally waltz. It will be delightful.

Food, shelter water, electricity, internet, heat. No one will do without. End of story. I don’t see why people should freeze or starve in the dark, smelly and ignorant of the world around them.

Access. I see no reason why the disabled shouldn't enjoy shopping, dining out, libraries, museums, movies and other forms of, you know, living life. Therefore, everything and every place will be made accessible immediately. Also, I'm going to publicly execute the first 50 closed captioners who caption live TV as nf5njn7qiurft?!, which should greatly improve the quality of future captioning. Or at least the captioning of executions.

Taxes. Will be epic.

Complaints about taxes. You will be forced to address complaints about taxes directly to the beneficiaries of said taxes. So go ahead and threaten to shrug your atlas, bad boy, I’ll put you in a room with the parents of a child with cancer and you can explain to them why you don’t want to pay for their child’s treatment. The parents will be provided with rope and a baseball bat. I wonder what order they’ll use them in?

The Armed Forces. Well, I'll be Empress of the Entire Freakin' World, so other than the occasional doomed rebellion, I'm not sure what I'd really need an army for. So I will disband most of it. I've got all the world's nukes after all. And probably some bitchin' biological/chemical weapons. Disbanding the world's armies will have the added benefit of paying for things we really need, like food. And shelter. And gas lines that don’t explode. And bridges that don’t collapse. And the Grammar Police.

Pears. Will be free.

Books. Every citizen will receive a $5,000 yearly book allowance. Any book you want, paper or electronic. This allowance will come in the form of a card that, when used, triggers a recording of me dramatically yelling, “Are you not entertained?!” (Well, I at least will be entertained.)

That's what the Atheist Agendatm has so far. You should probably claim your overpaid cabinet position today.

32 comments:

  1. Well, I certainly, cannot be, the head of the grammar, police.'

    Maybe I could be the head cabinet officer of handing out free and yummy pears?

    ReplyDelete
  2. If I don’t get a smokin’ hot fedora as my designated hat, I’m suing.

    (There will still be courts, right? You can’t expect to have to decide every single legal issue on your own …)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oooh. I'd like to chair the Committee In Charge Of Promoting All Quirky, Unlikely, Interesting New Religions (CICOPAQUINR). Can I have Geds as my co-chair?

    If that's not possible, I want oversight of the Imperial Library.

    And I want one of those hats from the opening scene of Brotherhood of the Wolf. The coat too, please.

    ReplyDelete
  4. so. hats. i hope the grammar police are jagers. it would be so fitting and so much fun. read girl genius if you don't know what i mean by jagers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Best. Post. Ever.

    I typically only wear a hat in the winter... I suppose I can just wear it all the time now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Well, I will certainly be delighted to see such an Evil Agenda (c) pushed forward. Especially since pears will be free. That part of the deal really got me going. So, if you will ever get to be World Empress through democratic means, you have my vote.

    By the way, can I lead the Ministry of Free Pear Distribution and Availability of Other Healthy Foods (MFPDAOHF, it seems, it would spell)?

    Oh, and I've got a friend looking forward to graduating from med school that has some ideas about the new healthcare system that would sit very well with the new order (such as a declaration, under penalty of being stripped of all personal property and barred from ever practicing any form of medicine again, that doctors will never let personal prejudice (included, but not limited to, religious beliefs) get in the way of providing adequate healthcare and familial planning (including, but not limited to, providing abortions when necessary and adequate information on contraceptive means and procedures), regardless of personal variables of the patient (included, but not limited to religion, being a woman, political affiliation, being non-white, handicap, etc.) any time it is required). Could he be at least healthcare advisor to whomever claims the ministry?

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Also, I'm going to publicly execute the first 50 closed captioners who caption live TV as nf5njn7qiurft?!, "

    I think I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. And the Pope is 100% correct: The Nazis and the atheists both wish to ABOLISH FAITH....

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11332515



    the only crap you will ever need from this so-called "philosopher" called massimo pigliucci

    http://chem.tufts.edu/science/pigliucci/rationally-speaking/RS2001-091.htm


    "The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."


    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1iy39_depeche-mode-john-the-revelator_music


    JOHN THE REVELATOR!


    FAIR AND BALANCED!



    KING OF TERROR


    add comment moderation to your BS or more people will die with you...


    NO GODS AND NO POLITICS WITH THESE LITTLE IDIOTS!


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyEISfS15g4&feature=player_embedded


    plush safe he think

    http://www.christies.com/lotfinderimages/D14781/d1478164x.jpg



    http://vimeo.com/13704095


    but with recent revelations about James Randi, I think he likes DICKS!

    THE SECOND COMING!

    THE END OF ATHEISM

    FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Smwrw4sNCxE


    THE B**BQUAKE - 911

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeblvLoVJCA&feature=related

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpZZ2PPBzP8&feature=related

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvSljPf9on4&feature=related

    you are going to pay the price for this….

    THE RUBBER DUCKY OF PSEUDOSCIENCE III - JAMES RANDI


    http://daddytypes.com/archive/hofman_rubber_duckie.jpg

    there is a lot of sh*t to flush!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg2AezJo8aQ

    THE HEAD OF THE INFIDEL!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojR-XRt4rrA

    Is America burning yet?

    Maybe we need some more...

    we use the DIVINE against the ESTABLISHMENT... you?

    we do better DEMOLITIONS than you, savage...

    RENOUNCE YOUR ATHEISM AND JOIN THE SOCIALIST FAITH!

    let them know if the MDC continues more people will die...

    the WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY - THE DANCE OF DEATH

    WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY

    FLUSH ATHEISM!

    Actually it is a ROYAL FLUSH!!!

    Let me show you how ATHEISTS were partially responsible for 911

    These ATHEISTS NEED TO BE ON THE TERRORIST WATCH LIST!

    You don’t even have SCIENCE on your side…

    You’re a perfect example of when PHILOSOPHY becomes an ENEMY OF LIFE...

    http://stephenlaw.blogspot.com/2010/06/playing-mystery-card.html

    not quite samantha with her *supernatural spit*, eh?

    this isn't one of your little WORD GAMES...

    blasphemy is a DEATH SENTENCE

    you people actually BELIEVE the BS you preach!

    GOD 1 - atheists 0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQcNiD0Z3MU

    Atheists,

    you are ENEMIES OF GOD AND ARE GOING TO BE ANNIHILATED...

    Repent and turn to God or be destroyed...

    YOU HAVE NO CHOICE...

    my interpretation of the STATUE FIRE... it symbolizes the SPIRITUAL DEATH of atheism...

    http://www.salon.com/news/2010/06/15/us_lightning_strikes_jesus_statue

    http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/6/16/1276680110544/The-King-of-Kings-statue--005.jpg

    http://www.latimes.com/media/photo/2010-06/54332292.jpg

    http://friendlyatheist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/butterjesus-1.jpg




    http://skepticblog.org/2010/04/06/would-i-ever-pray-for-a-miracle/

    Shermer, I WANT TO SEE YOU BEG FOR A MIRACLE...

    The B**BQUAKE - 911

    Let me show you the FATE OF TRAITORS...

    http://www.loiterink.com/photos/products/182_3424_500x500.jpg

    they are incapable of telling the difference between SCIENTIFIC *FACT* AND
    RELIGIOUS AND PHILOSOPHICAL *TRUTH*... FATAL ERROR!

    THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!

    http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

    ReplyDelete
  9. personal failure...

    funny, you have no agenda because you are DEAD

    ReplyDelete
  10. Funny … she’s awfully interesting and mobile for a dead gal.

    ’Xplain that one, Denny?

    (Est-ce que tu parles Français? Ca serait l’fun de rire de ta yeule en deux langues.)

    ReplyDelete
  11. joe mcken you are going to LEARN THE LANGUAGE OF TORTURE, you little fuck....

    ReplyDelete
  12. Eille, au Québec, on parle Français, espèce de nichon.

    Go on, try it. You can do it!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I still get to be Grand Vizier, right?

    Also, any of my duties should really involve mocking Dennis Markuze from a platform where he's not allowed to cut and paste his bullshit spam all the time, but can threaten me with death and torture from approximately 2000 miles away...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Het, PF, can I have special dispensation?

    May I have my "wheel hat" in warm weather and my sheepskin papachka or kubanka in the winter?

    Do you have any positions for "Henchperson" available? Since I am disabled you wouldn't have to worry about OEO types.

    Some years back I was playing in an Oompah band the gig was in Cleveland) and I was introduced to one of the local noted polka band leaders of the area.

    A bit later an elderly gentleman approached me, and comment that he had heard me use this greeting, "How you is"? and wondered where I came by it. As far as he knew, the only people who used it were fromn the island Tristan de Cuna and some places in the Virginia Appalachians.

    I jokingly said, "Who are you? The language cops"?

    He pulled out an ID, in in his best Joe Friday imitation said, "English Department...Kent State... I'm a professor". as deadpan as he could.

    I was shocked, said, "Hot damn! You ARE the language cops"!

    He said, "Gee, I never thought of it that way... I guess I am".

    ReplyDelete
  15. PF;

    just FYI, i do NOT mind being the 4-Star General of an INCREDIBLY REDUCED military, so long as i get to keep my Airforce [of Sparkling Pink Pegasi, and don't forget the Terrible Teal Alicorns!], my Calvary [of Invisble Glittery Purple Unicorns] and my Navy [of Awesome Narhal Whales OF DOOM!] after the Revolution is OVER.


    SARGE - you had me LITERALLY LOLing here, with that story :)


    PF, also, as a disabled person, i APPROVE your plans! not just the "accesable" portion, of course. those pears look nummy. :D


    PS: *THIS* is why, when i'm pimping your blog, i say something like: "Go read my Online-Hetero-Girl-Crush-Of-Awesomeness Personal Failure! she is *THE* cult! GOGOGOGO!!!" [because i admit to being depraved and loving extra exlamation points...]

    ReplyDelete
  16. "Atheists, you are ENEMIES OF GOD AND ARE GOING TO BE ANNIHILATED" WOW. That is some good "christian love," right there!

    ReplyDelete
  17. That is some good "christian love," right there!

    Eh. At least he's up front about it. Y'know, unlike the rest of the Christians who are all, "We lurve you (Hellbound heathen...)!"

    ReplyDelete
  18. Fair point. For all his faults, Dipshit Mcgee is at least honest.

    ReplyDelete
  19. At this point, I'm progressively more convinced that it's less Christian love, and more mental illness.

    Seriously. The dude thinks he can torture and kill us with his mind.

    Take it somewhere else, would you, Dennis? Nobody here is going to actually bulldoze the metaphysical dimension, pull God off His throne, or deprive people of their souls. Mainly because that's impossible. So calm down, find yourself a competent shrink, and get on with your life, would you?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hehehehe, I love how you missed a comma between shelter and water in the entry immediately after the grammar entry.

    I shall go off and chuckle like a sufficiently subdued minion now. Heeheehee

    ReplyDelete
  21. And the Pope is 100% correct: The Nazis and the atheists both wish to ABOLISH FAITH....

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11332515



    shermer is a sack of shit who is going to be flushed down the toilet of the UNIVERSE!



    the only crap you will ever need from this so-called "philosopher" called massimo pigliucci

    http://chem.tufts.edu/science/pigliucci/rationally-speaking/RS2001-091.htm





    let them know if the MDC continues more people will die...

    the WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY - THE DANCE OF DEATH


    WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY



    THE BOOBQUAKE - 911!
    ****************************************************

    THE BOOBQUAKE 911

    ReplyDelete
  22. Are we allowed to make personal modifications to our hats? Because I want to install a mini-EMP cannon that pops out the top of mine (and by "mini" I mean "about half the size of the one I've got in orbit." My hat's going to need support struts. And possibly some sort of hyperspace portal so the entire thing can be stored in it).

    ReplyDelete
  23. And possibly some sort of hyperspace portal so the entire thing can be stored in it

    I believe hammerspace-based storage will be a requirement in the Empire. Fear not...

    ReplyDelete
  24. You have my vote, PersFail, if expats are allowed the vote. I'll accept the Dept. of Funny Music cabinet position.

    DM- nagyon bolond vagy. Nem érted? Miért nem?

    cheers from sunny Bécs, zilch

    ReplyDelete
  25. PF:
    I'd say if you pulled anything DM posts with links in it, it might not set off my firewall.
    ____________

    DM:
    sadly, thanks to Bush, the "language of torture" is English.

    Meanwhile, I think you need to avoid threatening people. What would Jesus say about that?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Instead of hat, can I wear a hood? You know, one of those white jobs with the two eyeholes like Robert Byrd used to wear back in the day?

    ReplyDelete
  27. Can we also promulgate a new set of standards in regards to appropriate manners, codes of conduct, and ritualized methods of obeisance? For example, can we abolish the hug as a standard for casual greetings and instead institute the fakey double cheek air kiss between the sexes (and women) and a firm handshake between men, leaving the hug for emotionally charged greetings? I say we need to reintroduce some class and an elevated sense of hierarchy back into our society.
    Genruk of Idle Truth

    ReplyDelete
  28. What, no firm handshakes for women, Derek? The double-cheek-kiss maneuvere always struck me as weird, embarrassing and kind of snobby. It's probably french.

    No wait, french kissing means something else, doesn't it?

    No, handshakes for formal greetings, a casual nod or "hello" for everyone else. And if you go for a hug and they look awkard about it, you are to discontinue the hug under pain of being pulled apart by wild tortoises.

    ReplyDelete
  29. The previous post came across as somewhat anti-social, didn't it? I probably need a hug.

    ReplyDelete
  30. *HUGS*

    erm, if you want 'em still :D


    dude, i just noticed something in DM's rant - he says "RENOUNCE YOUR ATHEISM AND JOIN THE SOCIALIST FAITH!"


    ... i thought Fundamentalist Christians were *AGAINST* socialism, it being evil because Nazi Germany used the word and all...

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hehe, denelian. I too love the way that fundies decry socialism as being the same as both Fascism and Communism at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Gods, i know! it's so idiotic! i mean, Nazi Germany and Italy were fascist; the USSR was [technically] Communist and they are NOT the same as socialism - which you saw in the US during after WWII, you see in Britain and France [sort of] and Scandanavia [with the possible exception of Finland, if i understand those two days on northern european politics correctly... Finland is, apparantly, just sort of "odd" compared to the rest of Scandanavia...]


    it'd be funny, if it didn't make me weep, ya know? sigh.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

I am attempting to use blogger's new comment spam feature. If you don't immediately see your comment, it is being held in spam, I will get it out next time I check the filter. Unless you are Dennis Markuze, in which case you're never seeing your comment.

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Forever in Hell by Personal Failure is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at foreverinhell.blogspot.com.