Your Issues Have Nothing to Do with Religion

In today's episode of Your Issues Have Nothing to Do with Religion (h/t to Kathryn31), we meet Tzvi Fishman and Michael Tuesday, who have written an article on God-approved married sex that makes me weep for their wives. (Note: standard Jewish teaching on the subject is that sex between spouses is a mitzvah and should be enjoyed any way the couple wishes. This group is apparently rather bizarre, even for fundamentalist Jews.)

So, what does God approve of in the sack? Not a whole lot.

In public and private forums, HaRav Leon has emphasized that the mitzvah of marital congress should not be carried out in a timid and fearful manner, but rather in a robust, loving, and joyous fashion, so that the souls which are brought into the world will be robust and joyful in their service of G-d. Referring to the Gemara that tells how Rabbi Eleazar would conduct his marital relations against his own will as if a demon were compelling him ("kfao shed" - Nedarim 20b), HaRav Leon takes vehement exception and warns that if a person engages in marital relations in such a way, then the offspring, G-d forbid, will be like demons.

Yes, they are indeed saying that whatever your mood is during sex will affect the behavior of the resultant offspring. They say it repeatedly. Sex while angry results in angry children. Thinking of someone else during sex results in horrible children. This is so 5,000 years ago . . . well, so's the holy book, I suppose.

It is a severe transgression for a husband to force himself upon his wife against her will, or when either of them is angry, for this results in children who are aggressive and crude.

"Forcing yourself upon your wife" is rape. That is why it is wrong. End of story.

It is the man’s duty to please his wife, to make her feel loved, and to take the time needed to make sure that her pleasure is complete.

I'd take that more seriously if you didn't just say that rape is wrong because it produces "crude" children.

Before marital relations, a husband should ask G-d to forgive him for all transgressions to the Brit [of a sexual nature] which he committed in the past, including brazen conduct with his wife, which gave strength to the Sitra Achra [negative forces] and caused pain to the Shechinah [Divine Presence]. His intention should be that in engaging in proper and holy marital relations, the souls which fell captive to the realm of impurity through his sins should be rectified and returned their Maker. Both husband and wife should have the intention to bring a holy soul into the world. They should long to unite the Holy One Blessed He and the exiled Shechinah. By guarding his eyes and his thoughts, the husband will radiate holiness and blessing to all of the spirituals worlds that were damaged through his former wrongdoings.

Catch that? Your every sexual thought can cause others' souls to fall captive to the realm of impurity. Boy, Catholics have nothing on this guilt!

During marital relations, the husband and wife should not think of anyone else, for in addition to damaging spiritual worlds, this brings great harm to the children who are born from such unions.

Again with this nonsense!

The exclusive position of the marital union is with the wife lying on her back, facing up, and the husband lying upon her, facing down. This way of union is the select and most perfect union, which the Torah desires. This is called, "the face to face union." Any other position is almost certain to bring about the spilling of semen in vain. If the woman is on top of the man, this is considered brazenness (Shulchan Aruch, 240:5) and the pull of gravity will surely cause the wasting of semen. The same is true if they are standing or sitting. Anal intercourse is considered an act of loathsome brazenness. Besides the absolute spilling of semen in vain, this is considered in the Kabbalah like sacrificing one’s children to the idol Molech. Intercourse from the back is also brazenness, even if the organ of the Brit is inserted into the proper place, and the pull of gravity will cause the spilling of semen in vain from the wife, since she lies on her stomach. Furthermore, because the strongest of klipot surround the buttocks of the woman, when the Brit passes by this impure area, it will be polluted by klipot and these klipot will be transferred to the wife’s sexual organ and to the offspring of such a union. Only in the case of physical handicap or advanced pregnancy may this positioned be approved by a qualified rabbinic authority.

My butt is Teh Evul? Good to know. I thought it was my boobs. Also, um, there's no difference in the length between vagina and anus ever. They're always the same distance apart, whether you're approaching from the front or the rear. I'm also terribly amused at the concept of asking someone other than your partner if you can pretty please do it doggy style.

Oral sex is certainly not kosher, causing the eyes to see what is forbidden to see, and causing the spilling of semen in vain.

So, a husband is not to see his wife's genitals, ever, nor is a wife to ever see her husband's penis. Ever. Um, yeah.

As a warning, the wife should continue to lie on her back after marital relation for approximately ten minutes, and not turn on her stomach or side, and not immediately rise from the bed to go the bathroom, so that her husband’s semen should not flow out from her and cause the wasting of semen.

Okay, here's a little anatomy lesson, or several. Semen is not entirely made up of sperm. Sperm will travel up the vagina to the uterus, though it might take longer than 10 minutes, but the rest of the ejaculate will come back out no matter how long you wait. In fact, given that the uterus/vagina is a self-cleaning organ, it's absolutely guaranteed that all of the ejaculate is eventually coming back out, save for the one sperm who fertilized an egg. Always. Guaranteed. Waiting 10 minutes is useless.

As for not getting up to go to the bathroom, another anatomy lesson. First of all, I suspect these people don't know that the urethral opening and the vaginal opening are two separate holes. (A surprising number of people do not know this.) So, peeing after sex will not clear out the semen. However, the urethral opening is close enough to the vagina that, especially during face-to-face sex, the urethral opening can be irritated or have bacteria introduced to it, which can lead to UTIs. Doctors recommend that women always pee after sex. I guess UTIs are holy!

The marital union should not be engaged in during the day. Children resulting from such unions, when the klipot are strongest, will be afflicted with sufferings throughout most of their lives. If a man cannot control his lust, and if there is thus a danger of spilling semen in vain, then relations may be conducted in a dark room, under blankets or sheets.

Really?

Having relations in a lighted room, whether by lamplight, candle, or moonlight, causes suffering in the children who are born from such unions. Rather, the marital union should be in a dark room at night, preferably after midnight when the klipot are weakened, and the couple must cover their bodies with a blanket or sheet out of modesty. Sabbath night after midnight is the most suitable time for a holy union.

No, really? I just can't see how anyone who believes this ever manages to have children. Also, every time of day is "after midnight", so you might want to be specific as to the ending time for holy unions.

It is a very great mitzvah to engage in marital relations on Sabbath night. It is also fitting one other night during the week, also on Rosh Chodesh, and on holidays when relations are permitted. A Torah scholar should endeavor not to engage in marital relations during weekdays, but rather on Sabbath night after midnight. On the night of the wife’s ritual immersion, or when she hints that she would like his favor, he can engage even during the week, preferably after midnight. It is known that marital relations on weeknights are more accessible to the influence of klipot, therefore one should strive for added holiness.

Never! You are never to have sex!

After going to the bathroom, it is proper for both husband and wife to wait ten minutes before engaging in marital relations. Otherwise impurity will be transferred to the offspring of such a union, adversely influencing their spiritual make-up.

Bodily functions = bad babies

Wow. I don't even know what to say. And if this is a Poe, well, check out the website, that's one determined Poe.