O_o

I think the people at Ministering Deliverance are serious. I'd like for them to be a bunch of Poes poe'ing each other, but I think they really believe what they say. Which is alarming to say the least.

hi everyone i just wanna ask a question.

i have a demon called beast that was put there before i was born. the demon says that only my father has the authority to cast it out. the problem is, my father does not believe in Jesus and wont cast it out! what can i do? will i ever be able to get rid of this demon? is there another way?

Ummm . . . I . . . . yeah. See, hearing voices isn't really a good sign. You're pretty much looking at brain tumors, seizures or schizophrenia. You really need to see a doctor, today.

Sadly, that advice never comes up.

Typically, demons are liars. Something to file away in your heart.

I've encountered demons who tell me the same thing, that my father/mother gave them permission to abide, and only they have the authority to make them leave. It's simply not true - maybe when I was a child, but as an adult, surrendered wholly to Christ, there is a HIGHER authority, and the demons KNOW THIS.

You need to repent of any agreement made on your behalf by your parents, renounce it, and break the authority that the demon is holding onto.

There are a lot of gifted ministers here who can help you figure out the details - everyone is different, but one thing that NEVER changes is WHO is in charge, and that EVERY single knee will bow to Him. His authority superscedes all other. Period.

I suppose schizophrenia or epilepsy left untreated for a short period of time might be relatively safe, in that it probably won't progress much, but untreated brain tumors? That'll just keep growing. Inside your skull. There's only so much room.

I'm especially concerned in that this the next posting from the OP's profile:

hi jay jay this is charlie
we ar ok daron is hapy cos he got a presont at crismus and i got won to! nataleys dad wil met yo but he wont let yo tawlk bout jesus cos he no lik him and he dont beleve in him so wont want to help nataley and wil larf at her and she wil get sad agan.
yo ar come her soon? i very exsited to see yo!

That can't be good. Irresponsibility, thy name is fundamentalism.

O_o

*edited to put blockquoting in the right place*

Spiritual Warfare

spiritual, attacks, warfare, religion, christian, warrior, bible, god, jesus, satan, demon,

Those aren't boobs- those are a spiritual attack.

Having a bad day? Get into a fight with a friend or family member? Accidentally think about sex or evolution?

It's not you, it's Satan!

I never realized this before, but apparently a large number of people watched Stigmata or The Exorcism of Emily Rose and thought they had found a documentary.

Spiritual Warfare: Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory*

by Grantley Morris

Humanists imagine they have suddenly become incredibly smart, it was a ShamWow sort of moment, yes. being able to discern physical and psychological reasons for phenomena. it's amazing how silly we are to look for observable, testable, falsifiable reasons for the events that occur around us. it's insane, really. They have actually become incredibly thick, being able to see nothing but the blatantly obvious. The Apostle Paul’s words stick with appalling accuracy: ‘Professing to be wise, they became fools’ (Romans 1:22). Don’t catch their blindness. um, yeah.

The presence of obvious physical reasons for our problems does not reduce the likelihood that they are shots fired from the spirit world. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. where are her keys? in the 4th to last place she looked. Paul faced enough natural dangers to seize anyone’s attention – wild seas, infected wounds, bandits – yet he focused on spiritual battle. Though he regularly bled at the hands of human opponents, Paul insisted that our fight is not with people but with spiritual powers (Ephesians 6:12). so some bronze age guy said something silly and we are forever to ignore science in favor of superstition? fantastic. His gospel threatened the livelihood, pride and traditions of thousands. iconoclasm =/= truth Wherever he looked, human reasons for his struggle glared at him. rrrrrr. Yet he saw the human component of his conflict as inconsequential. paul's sounding more and more like a schizophrenic. Either the apostle was a fruit loop my vote or we clash with the non-physical realm more than most of us suppose. or, to break the false dichotomy, paul lived in a time when scientific reasoning amounted to a vague understanding that if I throw a rock up, it will eventually come down. we don't live in that time anymore.

Spiritual Parasites:

Demons are spiritual parasites that want to attach themselves to us and suck spiritual life from us. Left to their own vices devices?, they will weaken us and make life needlessly unpleasant. not bad or anything, just mildly uncomfortable. They are the spiritual equivalent of physical parasites, such as tapeworm or hookworm. i don't even know what to say to that.

It is not just non-Christians who need to be wary of parasitic worms. It is quite possible to have them for years without realizing what it is that is keeping us that bit below optimum health. do i need to say anything here? this satirizes itself more effectively than I ever could. oh, wait, I've got it- PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS SHIT. really and truly believe it.

A person cannot be said to be ‘possessed’ by parasites. He has full control, except for a tiny aspect of his life, and even in that he retains partial control. A person with worms can do almost anything without parasitic interference. Only in the area of nutrition has he lost a degree of control. He can decide what he eats and when he eats but until the worms are banished he cannot prevent them from robbing him of some of his nutrition. so where are spiritual parasites located, anyway? intestines like real parasites, or more in the . . . uh . . . where does your soul reside?

Demons of lust used the maniacal laughter too soon, i see. might, for instance, harass a Christian with unusually intense and prolonged temptation. or you could just be horny. This could be most distressing, and the person might voluntarily surrender to the temptation; and have teh evul seks! perhaps, for example, under the illusion that resistance is useless. teh evul seks wit teh borg? In reality, however, God has promised that no temptation will be too strong for a Christian. i guess if you give in, you're not really a christian. So a demon could flood a person with horrific temptation but it could never compel a Christian to sin. when was the last time hookworms filled you with "horrific temptation"?

What happens next is awesome. Awesomely awesome.

Not so many years ago, I felt sexually assaulted by every sensually dressed woman I saw. that's right, my boobs were raping him. I wasn’t particularly defeated by it but it was a continual, wearying battle. my boobs are relentless. There is sure to have been a natural element to this. ya think? It is God’s intention that women flout their bodies solely within the confines of holy matrimony. oh, that's it, everyone on the internet is seeing my boobs again. If only more Christian women would let God remove carnality from their lives! it's your fault I felt sexual desire. if you'd just put on a burqa, i wouldn't feel this way. you slut. Nevertheless, I wondered if in addition to the natural, there might also be a demonic element to what I suffered. So I made an appointment with someone experienced in the deliverance ministry. uh, yeah. To this day, I’m uncertain whether, in my particular case, that was the reason why things have improved. i dunno, but there's definitely demons. or maybe, like psychiatrists have been telling us for a while, talking about things can make you feel better about them. It might have helped. I don’t know for sure. I have the satisfaction, however, of knowing that I was not so foolish as to let pride or embarrassment keep me refusing a potential source of help. Things to be thankful for as an atheist #24: If I think about sex, I don't have to tell anyone about it. Unless I want to.

Parasitic worms are so repulsive that we naturally recoil from the thought of having them. The worse thing we can do, however, is to live in denial, because if we do, they will continue to afflict us. with sexy thoughts! Someone with parasites has foreign invaders in his life that have no right to be there. The only smart reaction is to face the possibility head-on, with a view to eradicating anything that could be afflicting us. yes, the only smart thing to do would be to assume that our sexy thoughts are caused by demons.

Prayer is Not Enough in which we learn that the prayers of mere humans are more powerful than god's will.

Satanic opposition hampered Daniel’s ministry. He had sought a revelation. Heaven was silent. Though uncertain about what was happening, Daniel fought on in prayer and fasting, day after day. Heaven’s reply had been dispatched on angel’s wings, but evil powers blockaded it. gunships, you see. When the celestial courier finally arrived, he revealed he had been engaged in heaven’s answer to Star Wars (Daniel 10:12-13). wait, isn't god more powerful than satan? if so, why 3 weeks of successful blockade? Spiritual powers had been locked in supernatural combat. For twenty-one earth-days the battle raged. Perhaps the weapons used defy our comprehension, apparently heaven needs some hellfire missiles . . . but I believe a deciding factor was something we know a little about – the impassioned prayers of a man who longed to serve God. so, man's prayers are more powerful than god's will?With the resolve of a marathon winner, Daniel prayed on and on and on. Had he accepted the hold-up as heaven’s final answer, the enemy might have successfully intercepted the prophetic message. how that could possibly happen with an omnipotent god is beyond me.

With Satan lusting after us like a crazed beast, apparently, satan needs some help with the sexy thoughts, too. we either pray or are preyed upon. fun with homonyms!

And yet we often need more than prayer. i thought we just established that prayer is more powerful than anything, including god.

Foot-sloggers wtf? are no match for the prince of the power of the air. ummmm . . . If we neglect prayer, dark forces will forever sabotage our labors didn't get that promotion? satan.; our attempts to attack their kingdom will never get off the ground. god needs fighter jets, too! Join the prayer force. like the air force, with less shooting. A defiant fist amuses Satan. well, he is lusting like a crazed beast. An uplifted hand terrifies him. Prayer will shoot him down. but apparently angels cannot.

. . .

What follows is an excellent indictment of god, though I doubt the writer intended it to be so.

If you were granted police powers you mean like became a police officer?, would you tolerate a law breaker vandalizing a sacred place the police tolerate vandalism of nonsacred places?, or assaulting someone, or molesting a child? Well aren’t you the Spirit’s holy sanctuary, part of Christ’s body and God’s own child? not me, no. not that i'd let vandalism, assualt or child molestation go. Is it proper for you to passively endure an evil assault upon your person? teh boobees! Shouldn’t you be incensed that a cowering low-life, whose defeat cost the very life of the Son of God, but is impervious to god's will and angelic attack would have the audacity to trespass onto God’s turf, insult a work of God and violate a part of Christ’s very body? When opposed by vile spirits, rise with indignation and enforce your Christ-won authority by ousting those frauds.

so why doesn't god do that? i'm not supposed to tolerate vandalism, assualt, or molestation, but god stands idly by? why am i supposed to do what god either cannot or will not?

When buffeted by malicious powers like my boobs we are likely to feel as green and as limp as wilted spinach. limp, i get, but green? We must understand that authority has nothing to do with how vibrant we feel. A police officer has as much authority when he is tired as when he is fresh. A bed-ridden king has more authority than a nobleman in the prime of manhood. oh, that's a weird analogy. The issue is not how strong we feel, but whether we are bound to the One granted all authority in heaven and earth. granted all authority by whom? who gives god authority?

Prayer is fearsome ammunition. apparently. Without a canon, however, even the deadliest ammunition cannot pound the enemy. what about 50 caliber bullets or hellfire missiles? welcome to the 21st century, analogy. For faith-packed prayer is there some other kind of prayer? to reach its full ferocity it must be used in conjunction with two other aspects of spiritual warfare. One aspect – legality – is automatic for the born again warrior. these war references are getting a little weird. It is the other – authoritative aggression – where many of us falter. you mean like the US invading Iraq for no good reason? Add this to prayer and you have an arsenal against which the combined forces of hell are reduced to a cringing rabble of terrified wimps. uh, yeah.

That was too much fun. Scary, but fun.

*for reasons I cannot begin to imagine, this page is decorated in flowers. and butterflies.

Craziest Freakin' Thing Evah!

Ok, this is so freakin' crazy, I don't really know where to start!

The End-Time Deliverance Ministry has a website with specific instructions on how to rid yourselves of demons. Really. They're serious about it (though it's a little hard to take the pink background seriously).

But, you may ask, where in the bible does it state that I have demons? (Probably you wouldn't ask that, or if you did, it would be about the 50th question on the list, but just play along, ok?) Here's the answer: For those of you who demand to see a Scripture before you can believe something, there are NO Scriptures that say YOU do NOT have demons. That should settle it!

Just let that sink in for minute.

Yes, you read that right.

There are also no scriptures that say that you are not satan, that I am not an alien and that god isn't a huge Fallout 3 fan. In fact, there are far more things that scripture doesn't speak on than things it does speak on . . . so feel free to believe anything at all. Flying Spaghetti Monsters for all!

You are a triune being - BODY, SOUL and SPIRIT. Your SOUL is your MIND, WILL and EMOTIONS. so i am a triune of a triune? my will is 11.11% of my being?

BODY - Christians can have a sickness/disease just like the unSaved. That's caused by demons (if not caused by other factors). If it weren't for the demons, I wouldn't have porphyria. If I follow the directions on this site, and I am not instantly cured of porphyria, then I'm just not a good christian. try this logic on your grandma if she gets cancer. i'm sure she'll appreciate it.

SOUL - Do you have a bad temper? no, actually i'm pretty zen. i don't feel a need to fill my life with anger and hatred. That's a demon. yeah, so if my husband leaves his dirty dishes on the counter, exactly 2" from the dishwasher, and i get a little pissy about it, that's a demon? at least i'm not hormonal. Is there mental illness in your family background? there's a reason i'm not procreating. That is a demon. again, when your mom gets hit with depression, tell her the problem is a demon. i'm sure she'll feel better immediately! Do you have trouble serving God? That's a demon. hey, not my fault! Do you have problems with bad thoughts? i guess that depends on your definition of "bad". if your talking about my recent obssession with [censored] and [censored], i consider that fun, not bad. That is/are (a) demon(s) in your mind, will or emotions. 11.11%, remember.

SPIRIT - Demons cannot get into your SPIRIT, but, the demons surround your SPIRIT like a glass jar surrounds its contents, and you have trouble serving the Lord JESUS. isn't that quite the image? The contents of the jar your spirit! cannot get out until you remove the lid (demons) i thought they were the jar. so, i'm just removing the lid, not the entire jar?. Deliverance can get rid of the demons. they thought that movie was scary? silly demons.

The URL for this main page is
http://www.demonbuster.com that is halfway down the damn page. hello, i know what the URL is because I'm already here, asshat!

BOYCE and BOICE are two demons that interfere with any electronic equipment, i.e., phone, computer, printer, automobile. If something malfunctions, command these two demons to leave your equipment, in the name of Jesus. We get many emails saying this worked. BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh my Festivus, I can't breathe! Plug "boyce" or "boice" into google. They're pretty common last names, there's even a Boyce College in Kentucky.

Here's all the things Deliverance promises to cure:

Would you like help from being Depressed? psychiatrist. Abused? call the police! Afraid i guess it depends of what? Tormented? huh? Suicidal? go to the hospital. right now. Sick? ear infection or cancer? Alcoholic? Alcoholics Anonymous Addict? see previous. Obese? exercise, diet Homosexual (gay, lesbian)? that's not a problem, any more than my height is something which needs to be cured. Witch? hehehehe Satanist? you know it! Brotherhood? I have no idea with this is a reference to. Want out of the occult or a cult? Hooked on porno? worked for me! Dying? he's going to cure me of death? uh-huh. Diseased? that probably was covered under sick.

Molester? And stop. That's not funny. Jack Chick has pulled this one before, it wasn't acceptable or christian or even human from him, and it isn't from you either, fuckwad. How dare you? How dare you suggest that we should just make the molesters pray and everything will be just fine? You are evil. You should be locked in a room with a hundred molestation victims and be forced to listen- really listen- to what their molester did to them. And I don't mean where they got touched, I mean the shame and the loss and the sadness, the inability to trust, the feeling that they don't deserve love or respect or happiness. You listen to that, you motherfucker, and then you tell me all about "healing" the molesters.

Self-Abuse? masturbation or cutting? Bi-polar? psychiatrist Etc.? ??? Get Saved, then cast out these demons!

Print this out and pray it often. This is an anti-evil Prayer. aren't all prayers . . .

In the name of JESUS, I cover myself and the one reading this with the Blood of JESUS ewww! leave me out of that!. I ask for giant warrior angels hahahaha marcus fenix angels! to protect us. As your war club and weapons of war wha?, I break down, undam, and blow up all walls of protection around all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, and the like, and I break the power of all curses, hexes, vexes, spells, charms, fetishes, psychic prayers, psychic thoughts, all witchcraft, sorcery, magic, voodoo, all mind control, jinxes, potions, bewitchments, death, destruction, sickness, pain, torment, psychic power, psychic warfare, prayer chains, incense and candle burning, incantations, chanting, blessings, hoodoo, crystals, root works, and everything else being sent my way, basically, he believes ALL of this crap is real, a clear and present danger. or my family member's way, or any Deliverance Ministries way, and I return it, and the demons to the sender, SEVENFOLD, and I bind it to them by the Blood of Jesus, and I cut and burn their ungodly silver cord and lay lines hmmm? that's ley lines, for one thing, in JESUS' Name.

If you can hear the Oh the Blood of Jesus midi file, apparently there is some background song that I can't hear because I don't have sound on my computer at work. could someone please take one for the team and tell me what it's like? you know, hannah montana gets under my skin, too, is that casting out demons? how does he even know what demons do and don't like to listen to? oh, that's right, NIN is Teh Evil. and it gets under your skin, don't turn your speakers off. The demons absolutely hate this song or any song that is about the Blood of Jesus. The more this bothers you, the more demon infested you are. You actually could get some Deliverance by having this tune play in the background, and some demons may actually leave your home or apartment too. Tape the song and play it in your home over and over or just let it play on your computer.

moving on to personal care advice:

Did you know that apple cider or white vinegar is an effective deodorant? so smelling like cider or vinegar is in some way better than BO? You may not believe it, but it is true, and actually works. You must try it to see for yourself. Note: Vinegar use has nothing to do with demons. The point is that you must try and do Deliverance to see that it works. did you know that mint tea can help settle an upset stomach? this has nothing to do with anything. the point is that you must try atheism and see that it works. (actually, the tea thing is true. try celestial seasonings, it's 100% peppermint leaves from the pacific northwest. tasty!)

Apparently, religous idiocy has no boundaries.