Monday, April 20, 2009

Spiritual Warfare

spiritual, attacks, warfare, religion, christian, warrior, bible, god, jesus, satan, demon,
Those aren't boobs- those are a spiritual attack.

Having a bad day? Get into a fight with a friend or family member? Accidentally think about sex or evolution?

It's not you, it's Satan!

I never realized this before, but apparently a large number of people watched Stigmata or The Exorcism of Emily Rose and thought they had found a documentary.

Spiritual Warfare: Turning Spiritual Attack into Victory*

by Grantley Morris

Humanists imagine they have suddenly become incredibly smart, it was a ShamWow sort of moment, yes. being able to discern physical and psychological reasons for phenomena. it's amazing how silly we are to look for observable, testable, falsifiable reasons for the events that occur around us. it's insane, really. They have actually become incredibly thick, being able to see nothing but the blatantly obvious. The Apostle Paul’s words stick with appalling accuracy: ‘Professing to be wise, they became fools’ (Romans 1:22). Don’t catch their blindness. um, yeah.

The presence of obvious physical reasons for our problems does not reduce the likelihood that they are shots fired from the spirit world. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. where are her keys? in the 4th to last place she looked. Paul faced enough natural dangers to seize anyone’s attention – wild seas, infected wounds, bandits – yet he focused on spiritual battle. Though he regularly bled at the hands of human opponents, Paul insisted that our fight is not with people but with spiritual powers (Ephesians 6:12). so some bronze age guy said something silly and we are forever to ignore science in favor of superstition? fantastic. His gospel threatened the livelihood, pride and traditions of thousands. iconoclasm =/= truth Wherever he looked, human reasons for his struggle glared at him. rrrrrr. Yet he saw the human component of his conflict as inconsequential. paul's sounding more and more like a schizophrenic. Either the apostle was a fruit loop my vote or we clash with the non-physical realm more than most of us suppose. or, to break the false dichotomy, paul lived in a time when scientific reasoning amounted to a vague understanding that if I throw a rock up, it will eventually come down. we don't live in that time anymore.

Spiritual Parasites:

Demons are spiritual parasites that want to attach themselves to us and suck spiritual life from us. Left to their own vices devices?, they will weaken us and make life needlessly unpleasant. not bad or anything, just mildly uncomfortable. They are the spiritual equivalent of physical parasites, such as tapeworm or hookworm. i don't even know what to say to that.

It is not just non-Christians who need to be wary of parasitic worms. It is quite possible to have them for years without realizing what it is that is keeping us that bit below optimum health. do i need to say anything here? this satirizes itself more effectively than I ever could. oh, wait, I've got it- PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS SHIT. really and truly believe it.

A person cannot be said to be ‘possessed’ by parasites. He has full control, except for a tiny aspect of his life, and even in that he retains partial control. A person with worms can do almost anything without parasitic interference. Only in the area of nutrition has he lost a degree of control. He can decide what he eats and when he eats but until the worms are banished he cannot prevent them from robbing him of some of his nutrition. so where are spiritual parasites located, anyway? intestines like real parasites, or more in the . . . uh . . . where does your soul reside?

Demons of lust used the maniacal laughter too soon, i see. might, for instance, harass a Christian with unusually intense and prolonged temptation. or you could just be horny. This could be most distressing, and the person might voluntarily surrender to the temptation; and have teh evul seks! perhaps, for example, under the illusion that resistance is useless. teh evul seks wit teh borg? In reality, however, God has promised that no temptation will be too strong for a Christian. i guess if you give in, you're not really a christian. So a demon could flood a person with horrific temptation but it could never compel a Christian to sin. when was the last time hookworms filled you with "horrific temptation"?

What happens next is awesome. Awesomely awesome.

Not so many years ago, I felt sexually assaulted by every sensually dressed woman I saw. that's right, my boobs were raping him. I wasn’t particularly defeated by it but it was a continual, wearying battle. my boobs are relentless. There is sure to have been a natural element to this. ya think? It is God’s intention that women flout their bodies solely within the confines of holy matrimony. oh, that's it, everyone on the internet is seeing my boobs again. If only more Christian women would let God remove carnality from their lives! it's your fault I felt sexual desire. if you'd just put on a burqa, i wouldn't feel this way. you slut. Nevertheless, I wondered if in addition to the natural, there might also be a demonic element to what I suffered. So I made an appointment with someone experienced in the deliverance ministry. uh, yeah. To this day, I’m uncertain whether, in my particular case, that was the reason why things have improved. i dunno, but there's definitely demons. or maybe, like psychiatrists have been telling us for a while, talking about things can make you feel better about them. It might have helped. I don’t know for sure. I have the satisfaction, however, of knowing that I was not so foolish as to let pride or embarrassment keep me refusing a potential source of help. Things to be thankful for as an atheist #24: If I think about sex, I don't have to tell anyone about it. Unless I want to.

Parasitic worms are so repulsive that we naturally recoil from the thought of having them. The worse thing we can do, however, is to live in denial, because if we do, they will continue to afflict us. with sexy thoughts! Someone with parasites has foreign invaders in his life that have no right to be there. The only smart reaction is to face the possibility head-on, with a view to eradicating anything that could be afflicting us. yes, the only smart thing to do would be to assume that our sexy thoughts are caused by demons.
Prayer is Not Enough in which we learn that the prayers of mere humans are more powerful than god's will.
Satanic opposition hampered Daniel’s ministry. He had sought a revelation. Heaven was silent. Though uncertain about what was happening, Daniel fought on in prayer and fasting, day after day. Heaven’s reply had been dispatched on angel’s wings, but evil powers blockaded it. gunships, you see. When the celestial courier finally arrived, he revealed he had been engaged in heaven’s answer to Star Wars (Daniel 10:12-13). wait, isn't god more powerful than satan? if so, why 3 weeks of successful blockade? Spiritual powers had been locked in supernatural combat. For twenty-one earth-days the battle raged. Perhaps the weapons used defy our comprehension, apparently heaven needs some hellfire missiles . . . but I believe a deciding factor was something we know a little about – the impassioned prayers of a man who longed to serve God. so, man's prayers are more powerful than god's will?With the resolve of a marathon winner, Daniel prayed on and on and on. Had he accepted the hold-up as heaven’s final answer, the enemy might have successfully intercepted the prophetic message. how that could possibly happen with an omnipotent god is beyond me.
With Satan lusting after us like a crazed beast, apparently, satan needs some help with the sexy thoughts, too. we either pray or are preyed upon. fun with homonyms!

And yet we often need more than prayer. i thought we just established that prayer is more powerful than anything, including god.

Foot-sloggers wtf? are no match for the prince of the power of the air. ummmm . . . If we neglect prayer, dark forces will forever sabotage our labors didn't get that promotion? satan.; our attempts to attack their kingdom will never get off the ground. god needs fighter jets, too! Join the prayer force. like the air force, with less shooting. A defiant fist amuses Satan. well, he is lusting like a crazed beast. An uplifted hand terrifies him. Prayer will shoot him down. but apparently angels cannot.
. . .
What follows is an excellent indictment of god, though I doubt the writer intended it to be so.
If you were granted police powers you mean like became a police officer?, would you tolerate a law breaker vandalizing a sacred place the police tolerate vandalism of nonsacred places?, or assaulting someone, or molesting a child? Well aren’t you the Spirit’s holy sanctuary, part of Christ’s body and God’s own child? not me, no. not that i'd let vandalism, assualt or child molestation go. Is it proper for you to passively endure an evil assault upon your person? teh boobees! Shouldn’t you be incensed that a cowering low-life, whose defeat cost the very life of the Son of God, but is impervious to god's will and angelic attack would have the audacity to trespass onto God’s turf, insult a work of God and violate a part of Christ’s very body? When opposed by vile spirits, rise with indignation and enforce your Christ-won authority by ousting those frauds.
so why doesn't god do that? i'm not supposed to tolerate vandalism, assualt, or molestation, but god stands idly by? why am i supposed to do what god either cannot or will not?

When buffeted by malicious powers like my boobs we are likely to feel as green and as limp as wilted spinach. limp, i get, but green? We must understand that authority has nothing to do with how vibrant we feel. A police officer has as much authority when he is tired as when he is fresh. A bed-ridden king has more authority than a nobleman in the prime of manhood. oh, that's a weird analogy. The issue is not how strong we feel, but whether we are bound to the One granted all authority in heaven and earth. granted all authority by whom? who gives god authority?

Prayer is fearsome ammunition. apparently. Without a canon, however, even the deadliest ammunition cannot pound the enemy. what about 50 caliber bullets or hellfire missiles? welcome to the 21st century, analogy. For faith-packed prayer is there some other kind of prayer? to reach its full ferocity it must be used in conjunction with two other aspects of spiritual warfare. One aspect – legality – is automatic for the born again warrior. these war references are getting a little weird. It is the other – authoritative aggression – where many of us falter. you mean like the US invading Iraq for no good reason? Add this to prayer and you have an arsenal against which the combined forces of hell are reduced to a cringing rabble of terrified wimps. uh, yeah.

That was too much fun. Scary, but fun.

*for reasons I cannot begin to imagine, this page is decorated in flowers. and butterflies.


  1. yeah... but I like your brand of spiritual warfare.

  2. Y'know, I was at a Chili's yesterday being buffeted by the malicious powers of my waitress, who was wandering about the section cleaning and spending quite a bit of time bending over. And, um, I've seldom seen a more marvelous sight. Let's just leave it at that.

    Anyway, I found that the feelings created were quite the opposite of "limp." And, I suppose, green. But I don't know what the opposite of green is, since I'm not sure where that comes from.

  3. I'm going to have to admit to being a little confused by this guy. Though the lust thing is so awesome. God forbid people admit that lust is natural, nooooo, it's Satan!! Hee!

  4. Just another soldier in Satan's Army, that's me. And my parasitic boobs.

  5. Well, Geds, on the color wheel the opposite of green is red. The opposite of yellow-green (really just a lighter green) is purple. Both of which are probably sort of fitting.

    Three cheers for boobs.

  6. Raised with spiritual warfare here. Still believe in weird stuff, not out of an innate desire to be weird, but because it's so dang hard to break the habit. Also some weird stuff does do something, once in a very great while. Though not what you'd expect, nor does it tend to happen in the ways anybody says it's supposed to.

    For me personally, separating out my own emotions and motives got rid of a vast majority of the things I'd been taught to believe were the results of demonic influence. There every so very often, comes along a bit of stuff that doesn't seem to be me-in-disguise and seems a decent candidate for not being entirely the product of my imagination. But these are things which are subject to debate, small, subtle and not a very big part of life, and for the most part, somewhat interesting but morally neutral. Y'know, the way a stick it morally neutral, until you either trip over it or use it to knock your windblown hat out of a tree.

    There's also the wonderful grey area between demonics and memetics. (Ok, so I haven't read the whole thing yet. But so far it's pretty good.)

    Maybe a "demon" inside a human personality is something between a "virus" in the software of a computer and a virus in a living organism. Memes in human culture may behave in ways that make them easy to anthropomoprhize. I think it is an interesting concept, and if there is an "idea environment" parallel to the physical environment it would expand our knowledge of how the human personality works to study it. But whether these things we call "demons" and "angels" are organisms which exist in an objective sense is not something I expect science to be tackling anytime soon.

    Because we basically have three subcultures with opinions on the subject:

    Fundies: YA SRSLY!!! D3M0NZZZ EXIZTS & U GETS 2 PWN THEM CUZ JESUS!! w000000t!1!1!!

    Hippes: Yeah, man. They like, exist, and...what? Yeah. And one helped me like, find my car keys, that time I got really stoned. Man. We should go get really stoned now, then we could totally see some shit, man...


    So...yeah. I actually prefer talking about invisible stuff with atheist types, because even when they're totally like "dude, you're making it all up in your brain, whatever," they at least have a chance of being interested in my brain. With religious types, they pretty much recoil in horror at everything right away. The bravest and most asinine will first take a little time to tell you what all you experiences mean, and why the fact that you are having them is irrefutable proof that Satan Has Invaded Your Brain and the Jesus Alone Can Save You. But then they also will recoil in horror when you don't collapse weeping on their shoulder and go "yes! you're right! why did I wait so long to turn over all responsibility for my emotional and spiritual well-being to you--er, that is, Jesus!"

    I swear. Prayer warriors are the ultrasqueam. They are the most squeamish of squeaminy face-making gradeschool children the world has ever seen.

    "Oh, noes, a deck of Tarot cards was inside my house for a couple of hours, we must pray for several days and anoint all the doorways with oil to cleanse the wickedness! It is worse than that time there was termites!"

    "Oh, look, we are driving past a naked dancing lady club, I must use the power of Christ to rebuke and condemn the evil nasty naked lady thoughts it is beaming into my brain! For which I am in no way responsible! Cooties!"

    "Oh, you, my child, did not say and think and feel exactly what I told you to at all times but deviated slightly and have even become listless and apathetic for some reason! I will place my hands on your head and make you repeatedly swear to resist and get rid of the many swarms of horrible disgusting demons which are squirming and crawling around inside your body and soul and you let them in there to make you yucky! And tomorrow if you are still not good it is because you want to be filled with nasty crawly demons and I will have to pray for you again!"

    "Oh noes! I stubbed my toe! Demons are teh oppressing me! God plz save me from teh demons!"

    "Oh noes! You lost your faith! I cannot listen to the reasons you tell me about social dysfunction and theodicy and evil-lution! Because that is how the demons got into your mind and cut the puppet strings that God was using to make you dance his perfectly planned life dance that he came up with for you since before the beginning of time! Which for some reason includes you being repeatedly attacked by demons!"

    Okay. This is getting silly.

    This is my only day of work this week and I am abusing your comment window, PF. I will stop and try to do some work for a change.

  7. I love how the hippies are the only ones using proper english!

    I've actually seen people talking about how they had things break/disappear or they lost their job, got divorced, etc. because of: a black candle, a ouija board or a copy of the Necronomicon in their house.

    Uh, yeah.

  8. so kewlz! lol jk! ..jk to the jk! I think I'm hyper...too much reading *shakes fist*

    Ok wellz I love a lot of the points you bring up and the commentary is hilarious. Hellfire missiles! Even though I run a spiriutal (ish) blog (ish) I think you have valuable insight. I do believe the spiritual world is a very complex thing and (some) demons react in ways as the person states...but not all are malicious. Some have as much to gain as you do like a mutual relationship even though I'm sure those wouldn't be demons....

    Sorry I know you're an atheist and I am probally saying all the wrong things but I guess I'm trying to say I agree (to an extent anyways). Sometimes people need to take responsibility for their own actions...and not blame other things. Unless they are spititually sensitive but then that's another story...chrisitans are generally not bugged by's a psychological process of sorts. They are already protected by holy energies and then go crazy not realizing everything is fine and that they are protected and have the power to heal themselves. God is mighty...but he gave us free will so we can stand on our own two feet.

    ..I think fun >3

  9. So, if I have really big boobs am I higher up in Satans grand army? Dang, I must be at least a general or something!

    Christianity has been blaming women for all their problems since day one. What's new?

  10. Really, the best I can hope for is Sargent.

  11. This seems like a case where a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. Morris knows a little bit about intestinal parasites, and suddenly demon boobies are raping his mind! I shudder to think what he'd conclude if he found out that 90% of the cells in his body aren't human at all. Or, God forbid, if he discovered that his very DNA includes thousands of viruses, watching and waiting for the right moment to strike...

    Bwahaha! <- that's the evil viruses laughing

  12. Classic. He begins with the classic attempt to try to play it as if relying on non-supernatural explanations is a bad thing, and that we can actually say anything with an ounce of certainty about this "spirit world" he then continues to babble on and on about. A perfect segue into sentence after sentence of "the devil is making me do it" ( will...). Also: lol "canon". He made a funny.

  13. So that maniacal laughter I keep hearing isn't all in my head?

  14. i love how so many Christians practice magic. and how they do it.

    also: Green... Lantern? in which case, the opposite of Green is Yellow... but the Yellow Lanterns are the BAD GUYS. the only thing that can defeat Green is Yellow! so why is he being all bitchy about the Green? it makes no sense, because *obviously* Green is the power, the best power, and its the GOOD power, so not limp, either.

    wow. and i don't even *like* DC comics...

  15. also, i am jealous of your boobies.

    mine are... too big. yes, really. i've an FF sized bra since i was 16, and the word "perky" will never apply. the descriptive phrase "stretch marked" does, though...

  16. Lord, open the eyes of the blind that they may see.


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