Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Craziest Freakin' Thing Evah!

Ok, this is so freakin' crazy, I don't really know where to start!

The End-Time Deliverance Ministry has a website with specific instructions on how to rid yourselves of demons. Really. They're serious about it (though it's a little hard to take the pink background seriously).

But, you may ask, where in the bible does it state that I have demons? (Probably you wouldn't ask that, or if you did, it would be about the 50th question on the list, but just play along, ok?) Here's the answer: For those of you who demand to see a Scripture before you can believe something, there are NO Scriptures that say YOU do NOT have demons. That should settle it!

Just let that sink in for minute.

Yes, you read that right.

There are also no scriptures that say that you are not satan, that I am not an alien and that god isn't a huge Fallout 3 fan. In fact, there are far more things that scripture doesn't speak on than things it does speak on . . . so feel free to believe anything at all. Flying Spaghetti Monsters for all!

You are a triune being - BODY, SOUL and SPIRIT. Your SOUL is your MIND, WILL and EMOTIONS. so i am a triune of a triune? my will is 11.11% of my being?

BODY - Christians can have a sickness/disease just like the unSaved. That's caused by demons (if not caused by other factors). If it weren't for the demons, I wouldn't have porphyria. If I follow the directions on this site, and I am not instantly cured of porphyria, then I'm just not a good christian. try this logic on your grandma if she gets cancer. i'm sure she'll appreciate it.

SOUL - Do you have a bad temper? no, actually i'm pretty zen. i don't feel a need to fill my life with anger and hatred. That's a demon. yeah, so if my husband leaves his dirty dishes on the counter, exactly 2" from the dishwasher, and i get a little pissy about it, that's a demon? at least i'm not hormonal. Is there mental illness in your family background? there's a reason i'm not procreating. That is a demon. again, when your mom gets hit with depression, tell her the problem is a demon. i'm sure she'll feel better immediately! Do you have trouble serving God? That's a demon. hey, not my fault! Do you have problems with bad thoughts? i guess that depends on your definition of "bad". if your talking about my recent obssession with [censored] and [censored], i consider that fun, not bad. That is/are (a) demon(s) in your mind, will or emotions. 11.11%, remember.

SPIRIT - Demons cannot get into your SPIRIT, but, the demons surround your SPIRIT like a glass jar surrounds its contents, and you have trouble serving the Lord JESUS. isn't that quite the image? The contents of the jar your spirit! cannot get out until you remove the lid (demons) i thought they were the jar. so, i'm just removing the lid, not the entire jar?. Deliverance can get rid of the demons. they thought that movie was scary? silly demons.

The URL for this main page is
that is halfway down the damn page. hello, i know what the URL is because I'm already here, asshat!

BOYCE and BOICE are two demons that interfere with any electronic equipment, i.e., phone, computer, printer, automobile. If something malfunctions, command these two demons to leave your equipment, in the name of Jesus. We get many emails saying this worked. BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Oh my Festivus, I can't breathe! Plug "boyce" or "boice" into google. They're pretty common last names, there's even a Boyce College in Kentucky.

Here's all the things Deliverance promises to cure:

Would you like help from being Depressed? psychiatrist. Abused? call the police! Afraid i guess it depends of what? Tormented? huh? Suicidal? go to the hospital. right now. Sick? ear infection or cancer? Alcoholic? Alcoholics Anonymous Addict? see previous. Obese? exercise, diet Homosexual (gay, lesbian)? that's not a problem, any more than my height is something which needs to be cured. Witch? hehehehe Satanist? you know it! Brotherhood? I have no idea with this is a reference to. Want out of the occult or a cult? Hooked on porno? worked for me! Dying? he's going to cure me of death? uh-huh. Diseased? that probably was covered under sick.

Molester? And stop. That's not funny. Jack Chick has pulled this one before, it wasn't acceptable or christian or even human from him, and it isn't from you either, fuckwad. How dare you? How dare you suggest that we should just make the molesters pray and everything will be just fine? You are evil. You should be locked in a room with a hundred molestation victims and be forced to listen- really listen- to what their molester did to them. And I don't mean where they got touched, I mean the shame and the loss and the sadness, the inability to trust, the feeling that they don't deserve love or respect or happiness. You listen to that, you motherfucker, and then you tell me all about "healing" the molesters.

Self-Abuse? masturbation or cutting? Bi-polar? psychiatrist Etc.? ??? Get Saved, then cast out these demons!

Print this out and pray it often. This is an anti-evil Prayer. aren't all prayers . . .

In the name of JESUS, I cover myself and the one reading this with the Blood of JESUS ewww! leave me out of that!. I ask for giant warrior angels hahahaha marcus fenix angels! to protect us. As your war club and weapons of war wha?, I break down, undam, and blow up all walls of protection around all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, and the like, and I break the power of all curses, hexes, vexes, spells, charms, fetishes, psychic prayers, psychic thoughts, all witchcraft, sorcery, magic, voodoo, all mind control, jinxes, potions, bewitchments, death, destruction, sickness, pain, torment, psychic power, psychic warfare, prayer chains, incense and candle burning, incantations, chanting, blessings, hoodoo, crystals, root works, and everything else being sent my way, basically, he believes ALL of this crap is real, a clear and present danger. or my family member's way, or any Deliverance Ministries way, and I return it, and the demons to the sender, SEVENFOLD, and I bind it to them by the Blood of Jesus, and I cut and burn their ungodly silver cord and lay lines hmmm? that's ley lines, for one thing, in JESUS' Name.

If you can hear the Oh the Blood of Jesus midi file, apparently there is some background song that I can't hear because I don't have sound on my computer at work. could someone please take one for the team and tell me what it's like? you know, hannah montana gets under my skin, too, is that casting out demons? how does he even know what demons do and don't like to listen to? oh, that's right, NIN is Teh Evil. and it gets under your skin, don't turn your speakers off. The demons absolutely hate this song or any song that is about the Blood of Jesus. The more this bothers you, the more demon infested you are. You actually could get some Deliverance by having this tune play in the background, and some demons may actually leave your home or apartment too. Tape the song and play it in your home over and over or just let it play on your computer.

moving on to personal care advice:

Did you know that apple cider or white vinegar is an effective deodorant? so smelling like cider or vinegar is in some way better than BO? You may not believe it, but it is true, and actually works. You must try it to see for yourself. Note: Vinegar use has nothing to do with demons. The point is that you must try and do Deliverance to see that it works. did you know that mint tea can help settle an upset stomach? this has nothing to do with anything. the point is that you must try atheism and see that it works. (actually, the tea thing is true. try celestial seasonings, it's 100% peppermint leaves from the pacific northwest. tasty!)

Apparently, religous idiocy has no boundaries.


  1. wait. waitwaitwaitwaitwait.
    i stopped reading at this one word:
    i have Accute Intermitent Porphyria. (diagnosed at nine, i will be 32 in febuary) and i have never actually met anyone else with porphyria (well, i guess we haven't *met*, but you know what i mean).
    what flavor do you have?

  2. Hereditary Coproporphyria. i was on house 2 weeks ago! Mine's actually fairly controllable with birth control pills and sugar, hence the love of baking.

    I think there are a lot more people with porphyria than we think. It took me 7 years to get diagnosed, and that's not taking into account a lifetime of extreme sun sensitivity (the doctor said, "well, your family is irish") and bouts of excrutiating stomach pain ("she doesn't like school").

    I wasn't diagnosed until I went completely psychotic and had to be hospitalized. Fortunately, the psych intern I had was a huge House fan and the first porphyria (AIP!) episode had just aired, so I didn't end up spending years on psych meds I didn't need. I did end up with serious nerve damage and mild liver damage.

    So, hello fellow friend in wierd genetic disorders!

    Sure you don't want cookies?


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