Monday, December 22, 2008

It Is Officially Misogyny Monday

The Artificial Virginity Hymen just went on sale. Yeah, you heard me. It's an articifical hymen made out of albumin, medical use inflation element and water-soluble base medicinal preparation, so, uh, egg whites and . . . stuff.

Look, this is so disturbing, I don't know what to say. Trust me, women aren't doing this for themselves. I don't know a single woman whose first time wasn't painful and/or scary and/or icky and/or outright humiliating. Sex is not something most people just know how to do well. Badly, anyone can manage. This is why women are way more into sex at 36 than at 16. By 36, you know exactly what you want and need, and exactly how to get it. (Or you should. If you don't, we should talk.)

Suffice it to say, I would not want to repeat my first time.

A few more facts people may not be aware of:

1. The hymen is not in the vagina. It is attached to the vulva, the outer portion of the genitalia.
2. Most girls are born with the hymen mostly open. Some girls are born with it completely gone.
3. Most girls' hymens are gone by 13, due to bike-riding, other sports, tampon insertion, etc.
4. Most women do not bleed the first time from hymen breakage, they bleed from tearing in the vulva and vagina caused by lack of lubrication. Since most young women don't have lubrication problems (though allergy medications are a common cause), this is caused most frequently by fear and lack of foreplay.

What is it about virgins that turn men on? Hell, the men I've asked don't get it. As my dearest friend said, "What the hell do I want with a women who doesn't know how to fuck? I don't have that kind of time!"


  1. I'll have to put this Artificial Virginity Hymen on my holiday gift list... or not ;)

  2. from the people that gave you melamine laced baby formula- the artificial useless body part!

    i wonder if they'll start marketing artificial appendices next? probably not.


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