Wednesday, April 22, 2009

How to Have Sex- Advice from Virgins

homosexual, sex, lust, marriage, christian, virginity, religion, jesus, god, humor,
Next up, a physical virgin (you tell me, what does that mean?) gives us advice on having great sex. (My advice would be, if you're planning on sex in the great outdoors, bring a blanket. And check for poison ivy. And don't attempt to have sex against a newly planted, $500 Japanese Maple. Other than that, as long as you're enjoying it, who cares if it involves a wiffle ball, a skein of yarn and a clown with a violin?)

First, let me say that I am a proud physical virgin seriously, what does that mean? and I plan on remaining one until my marriage. spiritually, he's a slut? i can't figure this out. I cannot give firsthand experience. then you probably should not be giving the rest of us advice about sex then, should you. What I can do is refer you to the top sex expert out there. that crazy german lady? she is awesome. The One I am talking about is very serious about sex - He invented it! not the crazy german lady then. I am of course referring to God. shoulda seen that coming If you had a problem with your computer, you would likely look to the manufacturer for help. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. apparently, someone's never called their manufacturer for help with broken computer. good luck with that. Please don’t take my word on anything of significance wasn't really planning on it- look to God and His word. wasn't planning on that either. here's a clue for the clueless: sex- if it feels good and everybody's happy, you're doing it right.

Sex was God’s idea. God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and increase in number” (Genesis 1:28) cause after making 2 people, he couldn't possibly make more. He also said(Genesis 2:24) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” that always gives me a horror movie image of two people melting into each other- ew! This means many things other than physical care to name them?, but you cannot deny the physical implications. God made man in the garden of Eden, but He knew that it was not fit for man to be alone. His solution? To form a woman out of Adam’s side. because he couldn't just make adam and eve at the same time, or make a million people all at once. genesis is a weird story. Before sin Adam and Eve did not see their “nakedness” - or shame. they would have to see their nakedness, if they were capable of seeing at all. they may not have particularly perceived it, anymore than my dog does, but they certainly saw it. I do not believe that God supernaturally had Adam and Eve’s eyes lie to them and believe they were wearing clothes, *sigh* but rather since they were originally morally pure, they did not have shame in any way. i doubt it's their "moral purity". it was ignorance. hello, adam and eve were newly made. they may have physically been adults, but mentally they were infants. my 7 month old niece doesn't see anything wrong in nudity, either. Adam and Eve as the first life partners could have enjoyed unlimited intimacy and pleasure. sex, everywhere! sex, as far as the eye could see! sex, sex, sex all the time! dude- get laid.

Then they were deceived to sin. really? i'd say they were tempted into sin by god's extremely unkind placement of the trees of life and knowledge of good and evil. if god really didn't want anyone eating from those trees, why didn't he just put them at the top of a mountain? or make their fruit singularly unappealing? Do you realize how much we have missed out on? sexy sex sex, all the time, apparently. The absolute best that God had for us in the garden - intimacy with Him and with each other in an unshamful fashion - was torn. dear salvador dali this guy has issues. When disobedience entered into the picture, Adam and Eve were seperated by the feeling of dirtiness they had. please give me a bible quote for that one. adam and eve were said to notice their nakedness, there was nothing about dirtiness. i think i just learned more about the writer than i ever wanted to know. The first husband and wife felt the need to form makeshift coverings from fig leaves (Genesis 3:7). which mormons recreate today! Then the couple hid from God (Genesis 3:8). The intimacy with God and each other was put on hold. Later, the Creator Jesus would restore that connection to those who will turn from their selfish life to one of faith in Christ. wait, so if i convert, i get hot sexy sex sex sex all the time? well, sign me up then!

Physical intimacy is wonderful. how would you know? It is so great that in today’s society a great multitude want to jump the gun and have sex before they are ready. again, how would you know? maybe they are ready. God invented water, but I do not recommend drowning in it. that's a freudian analogy in my opinion. water=wet=well, you know. In the same way, you need to use sex in the right way. is this the instruction manual for my blow dryer or something? First, it should be within the confines of marriage. cause nothing's sexier than two virgins nervously fumbling about. 1 Corinthians 7:2 gives us a problem and solution scenario. The problem is sexual immoraity. The solution is relations between one man and woman. wait for it . . . The verse says “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband” because married people never, ever, ever cheat on their spouses. ever. in the history of time. Obviously the Bible tells us that the morally pure way to have the best sex ever no actually, the bible says absolutely nothing about "best sex ever", just religiously acceptable sex. those are two entirely different concepts.- sex the way the sex designer made it - is within marriage. When you wait until marriage for sex and build up that relationship with your future spouse, you are growing in intimacy. I don’t have to tel you that the peak of physical imtimacy for a couple - sex - is very peasureable. since you're a "physical virgin", apparently i need to tell you that. However, it is nothing to compare to the connection we will have with our Savior Jesus in Heaven. how would you know? The Christian who enjoys marital sex is going to have his mind blown away by the joy of Heaven. oh. dear.

More coming soon: lust and homosexuality. It's gonna be like christmas!


  1. Oh dear, this boy really needs to have him some sex.
    You know, the best definition of virgin I ever heard was you're a virgin until you have an orgasm with a partner. It is inclusive of same sex couples where the technical definition of penetration may not be.
    However using that definition I have a terrible feeling this boy's wife may stay a virgin the whole time she is married to him.

  2. That poor girl. Maybe we should Mrs. Robinson this guy- take one for the team for the sake of a fellow sister?

  3. "More coming soon: lust and homosexuality."

    Oh joy, yet another topic he's (presumably) completely ignorant to talk about.

  4. This reminds me. I need to start up my new series over at my blog on how to do brain surgery.

    I'm sure I could do it. I've talked to a neurosurgeon before, I watched every episode of House up until the 13/Foreman kiss, and I just watched Scrubs last night. What else could I need to know?

  5. I am not sure what a "physical virgin" is. What I really want to know is what a "non-physical virgin" might be... hmmm.

    Oh and I love how sex was God's idea not Adams. You know, most times sex is my idea... am I god?

  6. Dr. Ruth! That's who the crazy german lady is.

    Why not, maze monster? I have more proof of you than the sky daddy.

    Geds: I think Sarah Palin has proven to us all that simply being within 50 miles of a neurosurgeon (or within viewing distance of Russia) qualifies one for immediate hospital privileges.

  7. You made a good point with me saying "physical virgin". That was redundant so I changed it to simply virgin. Thanks for posting a response to my blog.

  8. OK, 'fess up; what's the story with the Japanese Maple?

  9. let's just say, if you're going to do it against a tree, don't pick a relatively small, newly planted one.

  10. You break it you buy it huh? So really if it's small and newly planted at least make it cheap ... like the sex ;-)

  11. if you're 16, you break it, you deny to the death you have any idea how that happened! i had no idea trees cost that much.

  12. Was at a party at a friends house when one reveller rode a bicycle into a tree/bush in the back garden causing quite considerable damage.

    Nobody thought much of it until the friends' parents returned home and pointed out that the bush was a Japanese ornamental tree/bush and was worth around £8000 (this was nearly 20 years ago) - you've never seen people disappear so fast in your life :-D


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