There Is Nothing Glorious Here

"Oh, did I break your fingers? That's your fault, bitch. Shoulda listened."

God is love. God is grace. God is forgiveness.

God will slam your fingers in a car door and set your house on fire if you don't do what he wants.

God wants you to remain married to your abuser, and if you're very good, he'll kill the bastard for you.

Praise the great and wonderful creator who has so little to do with his time, he breaks fingers and sets stoves on fire in order to get one woman to wear skirts instead of pants.

So in the mean time I was wearing dresses when I would go out into public. I was at Sears and thinking of what a hypocrite I truly was...almost as if God was laughing at me. So I proceeded to shut my finger in the sliding van door..and yes I needed to go to the hospital and yes this cost over 2,000.00. The girls were hysterical and I was just dumbfounded as to why God would allow this to happen. Fast forward to a few months after I had been completely convicted to always wear skirt or a dress, and was doing so...I was cleaning the kitchen....pondering....what would be the big deal if I wore capri's while gardening???? I looked over and my oven was on fire. I had it on cleaning cycle and it was locked shut. I had forgotten the bread drying for stuffing from the night before. After my 16 year old son broke the latch and put it out with the fire extinguisher, the entire kitchen was now covered in soot. I immediately apologized, knowing it was my own fault.

That's . . . horrifying. That's worship of an abuser. It's not like god sent her a letter, "wear skirts or else", she had a "feeling" she ought to wear skirts. And when she didn't, stitches and soot. It's so sad, and, if you've ever read Foreskin's Lament (excellent book), you know it's not an uncommon view of god, a deity with little else to do with his time other than torment his powerless creations. And for this we should praise him. Because god is love. And broken fingers and fire.

I suppose it's unsurprising, given that view of god, that believers often see nothing wrong with women being abused. God does it, why shouldn't husbands?

The only Biblical recourse for a horrible marriage, or any marriage for that matter, is death. If your husband is an abusive, mean, hateful, fill-in-the-blank jerk in spite of you doing your best as a wife, God can kill him whenever He wants to. If he is still alive, God must want you to still be married to him. A wife could pray and fast for her husband/marriage, and for the kids to turn out right in spite of marital problems. If nothing else, it will be a great lesson for the kids, who hopefully will grow up and make wiser and more careful choices regarding their future spouse, rather than learning that marriage can be dissolved at a whim.

That's right, if you pray hard enough, god will kill your abusive spouse. Unless your abusive spouse kills you first, but, hey, them's the breaks. And if you pray even harder, your children, unlike all the other children of abusers, won't be affected at all.

If you just pray hard enough. And do everything god tells you to do. And interpret those feelings just right.

But You Already Knew That, I'm Sure

Attorneys for nearly 150 people who claim sexual abuse by Roman Catholic priests made nearly 10,000 pages of previously sealed internal church documents public Sunday . . .

I can't say these documents reveal facts that I find surprising, but the tone of some of the letters is disturbing to say the least.

"In early August 1963, Father was placed under arrest by the civil police of the City of San Diego for violation of the State Penal Code," then-Bishop Charles F. Buddy wrote the Colombian bishop in the Diocese of Cali. "At that time, arrangements were made between this Chancery and the civil authorities of San Diego in which, if Father left the United States with the promise never to return, the charges against Father would be set aside by Civil Law."

How would solve anything? They simply moved him to a different parish, a parish that presumably also had children in it, unless Columbia was devoid of children in the mid 60s. Oh, wait, the aim of the Church wasn't to protect children, it was to protect itself.

Church files indicate he also served in Florida and Texas before arriving in the San Diego diocese, where he worked with migrant workers in the Coachella Valley about 150 miles southeast of Los Angeles.

"You have won a reputation as a zealous worker and devoted to the poor," Bishop Buddy wrote the priest in a December 1962 letter.

"On the other hand, the 'incidents' at Indio were more serious than first presented to me, especially inasmuch as the police have made a record of them. You know how word gets around, so that you be certain that the police here will be on your trail. ... It will be more prudent and more secure for you to return to your own diocese."

You know how word gets around?! That's the issue? Not that children were molested, their entire lives scarred by the actions of a monster, but word, it'll get around. And that's what's important here. Children? Unless they're in the womb, fuck 'em. Literally. Feel free. The Church will hide you. So as not to make a fuss.

Another case outlined in the files involves the Rev. Robert Nikliborc, who was sent to a psychiatric treatment facility in the 1950s after the diocese received complaints, then became director of a Roman Catholic residential facility for troubled boys called Boystown of the Desert in Banning, Calif.

I'm trying to imagine the Church's decision making process here. "Hmmm, we have a residential facility for troubled boys, who should we put in charge? Oh, I know! The known pedophile. Nothing can go wrong there!"

The papers also contain documents from the files of Rev. Anthony Rodrigue. In 1976, a group of parents at Rodrigue's parish in Heber, Calif., complained he had molested their children, according to court documents.

The priest was sent to a psychiatric facility in Massachusetts for treatment but was put back in ministry despite the recommendations of those who treated him.

Really, the only conclusion one can draw at this point, from the Church's actions, is that the Catholic Church is an organization devoted to giving pedophiles endless access to children to molest and then protect them from any consequences.

And the faithful pay for it. Lovely. They should just be honest with themselves and start giving cash to pedophiles directly. Cut out the middleman.

The Problem is Bigger Than That

[trigger warning: explicit descriptions of medical procedures and childbirth. If this will upset you, please visit the otter instead.]

There's been a lot of talk lately about trauma women in labor experience at the hands of medical professionals, a/k/a "birth rape"* The stories are horrific, but, in my opinion, developed after ten long years at the mercy of medical professionals, this ruckus totally misses the point.

The problem isn't that women in labor are uniquely in a position to be victimized by medical professionals. The victims of such medical professionals are not uniquely women in labor. In other words, you don't have to be a woman in labor to be victimized by a medical professional. You simply have to be in a room with certain medical professionals.

Case in point: a friend of mine needed a lumbar puncture (spinal tap) in order to tell if he had Multiple Sclerosis or Lyme Disease. These two diseases can cause similar symptoms and similar MRI results, but have vastly different treatments, so distinguishing between the two is necessary. My friend is a large man, so he needed to have the lumbar puncture done at the hospital by a doctor.

Before the procedure began, the nurse told the doctor that the needle they had was too large, they needed to get another. "Too bad," snapped the doctor. He had a schedule to keep, he had a golf game to get to. Waiting for someone to get the correct needle would take too long, so, before my friend could object, doctor forced the needle into my friend's spine. When I say "forced", I mean forced.

I could hear him scream from down the hall.

Then, to add insult to injury, the doctor refused to draw enough cerebral spinal fluid to allow for

two tests. "We've got enough to test for MS, what more do we need?" he said.

That's right. This doctor tortured a man so as not delay a golf game and didn't even get the damn test done.

My friend still doesn't know what is wrong with him and he's likely to die without knowing, because he's not going back for another lumbar puncture.

That is exactly the same arrogance that leads to this:

The quickest example I can come up with is the time a doula friend of mine heard the OB say while a VBAC mom was pushing (pretty much under his breath, I don’t even think the mom heard this): “It’s the LEAST you can do for your VBAC” and he put one end of the scissors in her vagina and one in her anus and cut her a 4th degree episiotomy. No fetal distress, no reason beyond what I guess was his irritation at not just doing a repeat cesarean?

The problem isn't women and it isn't birth. It's doctors. It's doctors who think that eight years of medical school and a fancy title give them rights over other people's bodies.

I have had many, many tests and procedures performed on me in the last ten years. Every time the test was done by a technician, I received a description of the test beforehand, was told what level of discomfort or pain to expect and invited to speak up if I needed to during the test. The man who gave me my first nerve conduction study had done it to himself twice just to see what his patients would be experiencing. (NCS involves repeated electric shocks to test how the nerves conduct electricity.)

Teh Hubby once took three hours to complete an MRI because the technician allowed him to stop and calm down in between cycles. MRIs should take 40 minutes or so, but she was unfailingly kind the entire time. Not once did she display the slightest irritation.

Every test or procedure performed by a doctor came with exactly the same concern I feel for the potato I slice for dinner. Once, I demanded that a doctor stop a test (that can be stopped at any time, which I know because a technician had allowed me to stop the test the previous time I had it done) and he laughed at me.

What needs to be done is not tell women what they can do to stop abuses during labor. We need to talk to the doctors, before they ever see a patient. We need to remind them that it's not their body, it's not their choice, and they won't have to live with it afterwards. We need to remind them that abuse is abuse is abuse, and we need to start prosecuting accordingly.

For everyone.

*NOT my term. I think it's inappropriate at best to use the word "rape" that way.

Damaged Goods

[Note: click the link if you want to confirm that I am not making this up, but if you comment on this girl's post, please be positive and not confrontational.]

The back story on this is that a 16-year-old fundamentalist girl married an 18-year-old she barely knew and hadn't even been in the same room with alone before. Unsurprisingly, things turned bad very quickly.

As soon as 2 days after the wedding, Jon was a different person. He was
quiet, mopey, irritable. I was confused. Why would he be like this only 2 days
after our wedding? He was verbally abusive, putting down everything that I did.
Nothing I did pleased him. No matter how hard I tried, nothing was good enough.
Soon enough, the verbal abuse turned into physical abuse. I will spare you of
most of the details of that- he was pinning me to walls and floors, even going
so far as to head to the closet for a gun.

. . . .

I held it all inside. I told everyone that we were doing wonderfully. But
mom knew that something was wrong. She would ask if I was ok, and I would assure
her that everything was fine. I would always come up with one excuse or
another.
Eventually, I couldn't take it any more. I told mom. Everything. She
was very concerned and upset, and advised me to talk to the church elders so
that Jon could get help. A meeting was arranged.

This man is threatening his teenage wife with a gun so the answer is to meet with church officials? I can't tell you how much fundys piss me the fuck off sometimes. If you are being abused, you need to leave. If your loved one is being abused, you need to help them leave, as quickly as possible. A meeting with the church elders isn't going to fix anything, but the time spent waiting for the meeting could mean injury or death for the victim.

Some people told me that I wasn't even abused. That they treated
their own wives this way. The first year of marriage is hard for everyone- every
couple goes through this exact same thing. There are so many problems in the
world- did I really think I had something to complain about?

Be a good little fundy wife and submit, submit, submit until I stop hitting you. You know how I know Jesus isn't coming back? Because he hasn't come back yet to put a stop to the horrors carried out in his name. Also, somebody used the starving kids in Africa argument as a reason to suffer abuse? What is wrong with people?!

He has since admitted to the church session that he lied about his virginity.
Finding this out was just as hard as the abuse. To have trusted someone so
completely, and then to find that nothing about them was as you thought, is
heartbreaking.
Deuteronomy 22 states this as a reason for a biblical
divorce. Matthew 1:19 also states that Joseph was a just man and was going to
divorce Mary. Our church session agrees with this. The church has given me
grounds for a biblical divorce. Everything was finalized 2 weeks ago.

So, threatening your wife with a gun is not a reason for divorce, but lying about being a virgin is. Well, good to know what's important in life.

A few people have made the comment that I am now, "damaged goods." I do not feel
this way at all. I do not feel impure. I did nothing wrong. I was married- if,
down the road, I get married again, a good, godly man will see no wrong in what
I did.

Sweetie, there is no such thing as human damaged goods. You are not damaged goods. You are a human being as deserving of love and respect as any other human being. You married the wrong person (hardly surprising considering that you were 16 and hardly knew the man), you suffered horribly and now it is over. Experiences, good and bad, make us who we are, and that is never damaged goods. If you had prostituted yourself for drugs, you still wouldn't be any less worthy of love and respect.

Please, just give yourself a hug for me.

I hate religion for things like this. A girl- not a woman, a girl- suffered terrible abuse, abuse that was helped along and supported by religion, and now that she is out of that situation, she is made to feel bad for saving her own life. Because escaping abuse makes baby Jesus cry.

Ugh.

Please Make It Stop

patriarchy, fundamentalism, fundy, freejinger
freejinger, fundamentalism, fundy, patriarchy, abuse
I found Free Jinger (why did no one tell me about this?!) this weekend. For the most part, I am thrilled, but they have provided me with endlessly disturbing glimpses at fundyness I didn't even know existed. I, Personal Failure, found mind blowing fundynsanity. Proceed with caution, people.

7xsunday.net is a horror show run by people well respected in certain fundy circles, including Gabriel Anast and his wife, Rebekah.

This is the kind of advice fundy women are receiving.

I am a regular member but I am choosing to post anonymously because I fear
I will be ridiculed and shamed for my behavior. My husband, who I love dearly,
has been very aggressive with the kids and I lately. It has gotten worse over
the past several weeks. He has been accusing me of seeing other men. He
belittles me in front of the children. He has spit in my face at the dinner
table when my cooking was not up to standards. I have been so terribly stressed
that my mind was not on my cooking!

I fear he is sending the wrong message to the children. I know he is knows
what is best for my family but my son needs to learn that a firm hand comes with
a gentle message. But there is no message! He is full of rage and jealousy. I
don't know if I can take much more. Do I stand up to my husband? I feel like I
should but I am filled with shame because of it. There is much I feel I can't
reveal here because I do not want to bring humiliation to my family, even though
we are only speaking over the internet it feels like I will be bringing more
shame... I am so lost

This. Is. Abuse. You need to leave. He is absolutely giving your children ideas- that abusing women is okay. That being abused is okay. You need to leave. Now. This will only get worse.

Unfortunately, nobody asked the atheist.

You mention your husband believes you have been seeing another man, or
men. Has there been a specific situation or situations that he might have
misinterpreted?

It is your fault. Can't be the man's fault, must be yours.

Certainly, a man can get the wrong idea, all on his own... but often there can
be one or two "coincidental" situations that give him pause. As he mulls
the situations over and over, these can build in his mind - to a level that
leaves him desperately hoping his wife has not "stepped out."

He got the wrong idea, and that's your fault.

Of course, as wives, we are to guard our husbands hearts diligently -
from real, or perceived, indiscretions.

It doesn't matter whether or not you've done anything, it's your fault.

They are to know their wives will not do them "evil" all the days of her
life. Proverbs 31:11-1211The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so
that he shall have no need of spoil. 12She will do him good and not evil all the
days of her life. For a husband who truly believes there may have been an
indiscretion, this is a HUGE blow, on so many levels. It likely leaves him
with a variety of feelings... Men don't like to be hurt (neither do we),
they don't like to be out of "control" (neither do we), they don't like to give
someone the opportunity to betray their trust (neither do we!) The
feelings of betrayal, jealousy, hurt, wounded pride... often melt down into the
"safety" of only feeling anger and resentment.This would then come to the
question of how to establish trust again... ??

Regardless of circumstances, I agree with Siege - The Lord can fix even the
toughest marriages!!!

I wonder how RunAmokFarm will feel when this woman ends up in the hospital or dead because of her advice.

Gabriel Anast steps up to the plate with:

FYI... not that a situation like the one that the OP posted couldn't happen...
but it doesn't seem likely that this specific story is true due to the fact that
the opening statement (I am a long time member, etc) appears to be false.

Actually, Gabriel, she says that she used a different screen name to prevent anyone from knowing who she is, but even if this is a troll, look at the advice she got. Shameful. (Of course, we are talking about the same man who quit his job while his wife was pregnant to study the Bible. And then asked for donations.)

The advice (from Rebeka) just gets worse:

So, if you are A) guilty of infidelity or B) just a flirt... your husband feels
the fact that he doesn't have your heart... that he isn't THE MAN for you. When
Israel left God to follow after other gods... God called this "whoring" and was
so angry that He describes His own wrath as "cannot be quenched."In this case I
recommend that you come to your husband in absolute repentance and humility and
confess before him something along these lines (whatever your sin may be:) "I
confess I am a flirt, and that this is terribly wrong, and I ready to work on
"being yours only." I want to be YOUR wife, and I want to please you. I pray
that you can forgive me for being a flirt, and restore me as your wife... and
gently help with this if I seem to be doing something that jeopardizes
this." If your husband is willing to let you stay, then praise God and
commit yourself to becoming a "keeper at home" in both heart and actions. Ask
God for grace... He is faithful to give it.

Yes, your husband has a right to spit in your face if you so much as look at another man. You should beg your abuser for forgiveness. See you in the morgue!

Suppose you really never, ever looked at another man ever? Well, you can leave, but you'll be screwing up your children.

There is (IMO) place for a woman to leave a man that abuses her and the
children simply because he is a mean godless man. However, leaving a mean and
harsh man is not always the best move either in these times. It's tough out
there for a woman. If your husband has any qualities of providing for you, and
making place for you at all... then I'd recommend first asking God to stand on
your behalf and make a way for you to stay married to this hard man. Your
children are safer with a hard father (I don't mean an abusive one) than they
are with no father.

. . .

There is no point (that I can find in the Bible) in "standing up to your
husband." Either stay, and figure out how to make it work, or leave and find a
believing man.

That's right, there's nothing in the Bible about women having rights or deserving respect. No, that's actually true. Which is probably why fundamentalism is so very, very dangerous.

Heroes Make Me Happy

Wynona Ward makes me happy. The founder of Have Justice Will Travel, this former truck driver and victim of abuse herself has devoted herself to helping victims of domestic abuse, often the poorest of the poor, escape abuse and start their lives anew. In fact, in the last 11 years, Have Justice Will Travel has helped 10,000 people.

Too often, all we hear about are the terrorists, murderers and rapists that make the world a bad place. It's nice to celebrate someone making the world a better place.

Michael Vick, My Dog and Second Chances

puppy, happy, abuse, animal, michael vick, eagles, crime,

As you have no doubt heard, unless you've spent the last few days waiting for Lassie in a well, Michael Vick has been signed by the Eagles. And, unless you've spent the last few years in that well, you also know that Michael Vick tortured and killed innocent dogs for entertainment. Some people call it "sport", I call it torturing and killing innocent animals that just want to be your friend.

All of the pictures in this post are of my best friend, Muggsy. (I didn't name him.) When I brought Muggsy home, he was between 1.5 and 2 years old. His tail never wagged and he didn't grin like that. He did pee himself anytime someone raised their hand, or their voice. Muggsy bit me the first time I tried to put a leash on him. He cried when I tried to pet him. Because someone like Michael Vick thought it would be fun to put out cigarettes on Muggsy's skin. Because someone like Michael Vick thought it was perfectly fine to choke, kick, beat and pour boiling water on a dog. On my sweet, cuddly friend.

It took a long time to get Muggsy to trust me, to understand that I was never going to hurt him, ever. He lacked any kind of "manners": didn't know "sit" or "stay", had never walked on a leash, was barely house trained. I trained without punishment by highly praising behavior I wanted, and punishing bad behavior with lack of attention. It took a while, and some modification of my own behavior*, but it worked.

Now I have a best friend who follows me around like a big, furry shadow. Muggsy can't bear for me to be out of sight, even for as long as it takes me to pee. He'll lay on the floor, nose pressed to the gap between the bathroom door and the floor, and sigh while he waits. When I return, whether from the bathroom or from work, there is celebration. He jumps and dances, tail wagging so hard his whole body wiggles, mouth wide open in a big smile. Muggsy sleeps as near me as he can get (I don't let him on the bed or other furniture), and wakes up to check if I'm still there. Sometimes he'll wake me up in the middle of the night to see if I want to play. Muggsy knows when I'm upset or in pain and his cure is always the same: pet my soft fur, you'll feel better. I always do.

So you can imagine how I felt when my favorite team signed Michael Vick. How dare they! How could anyone give that monster a million dollars? What message does this send about the severity of Vick's crimes, and the children! What message does this send to them?

Then I heard about second chances and regret. Muggsy got a second chance with me- the shelter wanted to put him down. They didn't have the resources to deal with a dog as traumatized as he was. So why shouldn't Michael Vick get a second chance? Maybe Vick was as traumatized at some point in his past as Muggsy. I don't know. Muggsy bit me out of fear and pain, maybe Vick's motivation was much the same.

The honest truth is, I don't know. On the one hand, I want to believe that Vick is truly remorseful, that he really can change. I want to believe that people can learn a lesson and better themselves instead of just sinking further into the muck. On the other hand, I haven't seen too many people who really have changed. Am I influenced by wanting to believe the best about the Eagles? Sure. Am I influenced by my desire to poor boiling water on the person who hurt Muggsy, and really, Vick'll do in a pinch? Absolutely. My motivations are too muddled, my anger too deep to evaluate this situation rationally.

We'll have to see, I suppose.

*I can't leave food out, I have to empty the garbage immediately after placing meat or bones in it, and Muggsy will not bark or otherwise alert me if he needs to go out. He'll just stare at the basement door. If I'm in another room, I can't see that. So, if I haven't seen him in a while, I have to go find him. Sometimes, he's just sleeping. Oh, and he recently figured out how to make the icemaker in the fridge give him delightfully cold and crunchy icecubes, so I have walk across the kitchen floor carefully.

Abuse of Power

homeless, evangelism, witnessing, religion, abuse,
Dominic Mapstone at change.org has captured exactly how I feel about so-called "faith based initiatives": it's an abuse of power. It's an abuse of power to combine evangelization with helping the needy.

Imagine yourself in the shoes of a homeless person. Every moment of your life is fraught with difficulties and indignities. You have no home, so you have no safe place to sleep, no bathroom, no shower, no refrigerator, nothing but what you can carry on you. Your needs are enormous and basic and no doubt overwhelming. How you will pay for a meal is complicated by the fact that few businesses are willing to tolerate those who cannot bathe or do laundry on a regular basis. Most people won't even look you in the eye, let alone seat you at a table.

Where I work is where most of my city's homeless congregate. I see this every day. I listen to people in the convenient store next to my work mock the homeless who dare to go step inside to buy something to eat or drink. "He should have bought some Tide," they say, or "How about a bar of soap to go with that?" This from teenagers working a part time job to pay for clothes or gas for their cars. Once, I asked the cashier exactly where she thought that man could wait, naked, while he washed his only set of clothes. "Don't be such a bitch," was her reply.

Now imagine being this man, and having the person who does offer you a meal, and maybe a place to sleep that night, ask you about your religious beliefs, or invite you to pray with them or attend a church service. What would you say? If it were me, I'd agree with their beliefs, pray along or attend the service. I'd be too afraid that disagreeing or saying no would mean no more meals and no bed to sleep on. Maybe, if I do well enough at praying, I can have clean clothes, I'd think. Maybe even a bath and a toothbrush. That'd be pretty sweet.

I can't imagine what these sorts of evangelizers think they are proving. All they are proving is that desperation breeds a certain sort of agreeability. That's not a win, people.

Comparing Fundamentalism and Abusive Relationships

fundamentalism, fundamentalist, religion, god, jesus, bible, sex, sexuality, abuse, women, misogyny,
I started thinking of this after reading a post by the Accidental Historian. For some reason, the post hit me hard, way harder than it should have. Then it struck me- I'd been triggered. I'd suddenly seen a connection between fundamentalism and abuse, and that got me thinking: What is the difference between religious fundamentalism and an abusive relationship? As far as I can tell, not much.

[trigger warning- abusive relationships]

Fundamentalism: Humans are depraved and hopeless without god.
If you've ever been in an abusive relationship, this will sound familiar, only you've probably heard it put this way: You're nothing without me. You're ugly, stupid and nobody but me would ever want to be with you. I don't even know why I stick around.

Fundamentalism: Do what I tell you, or you will spend forever in hell. God doesn't want people to burn for all eternity, but if you don't follow the rules, he has no choice.
Again, this should sound familiar. If you would just do what I tell you, I wouldn't have to punish you. You burned the toast, it's your fault. It's not like I like want to do this, but I have to- otherwise how would you learn?

Fundamentalism: Watch your every though, because god knows and judges all of them. And they're really, really bad.
An abuser doesn't just want to control your every move, they want to control your every thought, as well. You can never admit to liking a movie or TV show your abuser doesn't, and forget about having your own hobbies. Just say what will make your abuser happy- until one day you find that you really just can't think of anything they don't want you to.

Fundamentalism: Chastity and purity demand that you where these clothes- not those stylish clothes or those comfortable clothes you might actually want to wear.
Sound familiar? If you've ever been berated for wearing a pretty new blouse that shows, well, nothing much, or had someone cut into pieces the clothes they don't like, it should. What, do you want people to think you're a big slut? Or maybe you are a big slut . . .

Fundamentalism: A woman's sexuality is not her own. It first belongs to her father, and then she "gives" her virginity to her husband. She should please him on demand, but not really enjoy it all that much.
If you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you know exactly how demeaning all of this is. And that's exactly what it's supposed to be.

Fundamentalism: You can only associate with others who believe as you do. Nonbelievers are depraved sinners and you should have nothing to do with them.
This is the abuser's most potent weapon: making absolutely certain their victim has no one to turn to, nowhere to run, by isolating them from everyone who cares. If all you ever hear is the same opinion, the same commands, the same thoughts, it's hard to conceive of any other way to think.

I think this is why fundamentalism, and the willing embrace of fundamentalism, is so hard for me to take. It's like watching people march eagerly towards what I worked so hard to escape. And there's me, watching the parade, shouting, "Hey! You'll never entirely get out of this. It will scar you forever in places you didn't even know could be hurt. Stop!"

Functioning Genitalia Do Not Make You a Good Parent

abuse, child, children, homophobia, homosexual, SAHM, swope, jennifer, prop 8, marriage, tradition, gay
Jennifer Swope, a stay-at-home mother in Derry, gives us this little gem from Redefining marriage will come with costs:


What makes marriage unique among all human relationships and raises it to the level of a sacred bond is this: The union of one man and one woman is the only natural way that children are conceived. Moreover, the people best suited and motivated to take on the great task of raising a child from helpless newborn to independent adult are the mother and father whose love first brought that child into the world.

Catch that? In Jenny's world, all children are planned and conceived in love. If you can create a child, you are the best qualified person in the world to raise it. Conversely, if you can't create children, you must be a terrible person.

I don't know where Jenny's been living, but over here in the real world, none of that is true. Specifically, creating a child does not make one best qualified to raise a child. (Anyone who has experienced this first hand, raise your hand with me.)

In fact, according to the US Administration for Children & Families, in 2006, nearly 80 percent (79.4%) of perpetrators of child maltreatment were parents, and another 6.7 percent were other relatives of the victim . . . Of the perpetrators who were parents, more than 90 percent (91.5%) were the biological parent of the victim.

Clearly, in 2006, 657,492 children would have been better off with complete strangers than with their biological parents*. (If that number doesn't make you cry, it should.) Also quite clearly, simply sharing DNA with a child does not a parent make.

Really, people, do a little research before you make assertions, m'kay?

*total number of abused children in 2006 estimated to be 905,000. So, (0.794 x 0.915) x 905,000. If I did that wrong, please let me know.

Liberals Stole My Children!

christian, christianity, religion, sound, doctrine, mills, custody, home schooling, jesus, god, religion, bible, child, abuse,
You know, or not.

Hat tip to The Panda's Thumb for finding the actual Court documents relating to this case. (If you haven't checked out The Panda's Thumb, you should. I only understand about one in three words of some of their posts, but it's still really interesting. And if you only read about what you already know, how would you learn anything new?)

The christosphere has been abuzz with stories of a woman who is losing custody of her children because she dared to homeschool them and raise them as good christians. In fact, check out this email from the Christian Anti Defamation League:

Dear Personal*,

A North Carolina Judge, Ned Magnum, has a issued an order that three homeschool children be returned to public school next year as part of a pending divorce settlement. This ruling is against the wishes of a Christian homeschooling mother Venessa Mills. Venessa has been homeschooling her children, ages 10, 11, and 12,for the past four years, taking them out of public schools in 2005. The father, Thomas Mills, who is an admitted adulterer, wants the children to go to public school. He is opposed to the children being exposed to "religious-based science curriculum."Judge Magnum must now decide between two competing sets of parental wishes. The way this is settled will set a very important legal precedence. The judge must decide what is in the best interest of the children. But under this very vague standard much havoc can be wrecked. Parental rights of homeschooling parents can be undermined as well as unintended harm done to the children.

Read more about the Judge's critic of homeschooling and why this is a threat to its future.

Sincerely,

Dr. Gary L. Cass

P.S. Many Christian families choose to homeschool their children instead of placing them in private or public schools. Yet, as seen in the case of Venessa Mills, this right might be taken away soon. Click here to read more about this case and why it is so important.

Wow! That sounds really dire, doesn't it? Interfering with peoples' religion and how they raise their children- hardly sounds American at all, does it?

Because that's not what happened.

As the Mills v. Mills Temporary Custody Order shows, the issue wasn't homeschooling at all.

Mrs. Mills joined a cult (don't get me started on the difference between religions and cults. We will be using the accepted definition of cult for the purposes of this post.) and went from what everyone, including her exhusband, described as a "loving mother" to an abusive control freak.

According to a member of the cult that has since left, the leader of the cult "directed me to develop a 'boot camp style' program to instill better manners in my children. The point of this program . . . should be to 'break' the children and to establish my authority as a parent, so that the children would obey me right away. The program that I ultimately devised, and that [the cult leader] approved, involved waking the children up in the middle of the night to do push-ups and physical exercises, and screaming at them 'boot camp style.' This program lasted approximately one month. My children were ages 11, 7 and 4 at this time. During this month of 'training', my middle child became stressed out to the point of throwing up. When I informed [the cult leader] that she was stressed out and need to lie down and rest, he told me that she did not need rest, but she needed to work and that I needed to 'break her.'"

As an example of what Mrs. Mills was doing to her own children at the behest of the cult leader, we have this testimony: "The children were in the kitchen doing dishes and Daniel asked for permission to go to the bathroom. Mrs. Mills said that Daniel had to stay and finish the dishes. Instead of going to the bathroom, Daniel urinated in his pants right there in the kitchen, soaking the floor." Daniel would have been 8 years old at that point.

This is not a religion issue or a homeschooling issue, and I find it appalling that people are defending this woman's abusive behavior in the name of defending Christianity.

Secretaries and Other People Who Answer the Phone

I'm going to share with you my pet peeves about the way people abuse secretaries and other people who answer the phone (staffers, customer service representatives, receptionists, etc.)

First and foremost, I have no control over what my boss does, doesn't do, says, doesn't say, where he goes, or what phone calls, letters or other communications he responds to or ignores. None. Yes, he got your message/letter/fax/email. If he chose not to respond to it, yelling at me isn't going to change anything. If he responded in a way that you don't like, I can't do anything about it. Stop yelling at me. I just work here.

I talk to dozens of people every day. I do not recognize all of their voices. I don't know what your relationship is like with my boss. So stop getting pissy when I don't recognize your voice or know that you go golfing with my boss twice a week. When you're golfing, I'm here answering phones.

My boss does not have your number memorized. I do not have your number memorized. I take down dozens of numbers every day. If you want a call back, just give me the damn number.

Making the same request in different words doesn't change the answer. I don't keep my boss' calendar. If you want to make an appointment, you'll have to talk to him. Asking me if I "think" he "might" be available at a certain date and time won't magically give me knowledge of his calendar.

If I tell you that my boss is on the phone, not at his desk, or not in the building, you can't talk to him. Either what I said to you is true, or it's what he told me to tell you, but either way, he's not talking to you. At that point, it's not helpful to say things like, "but I was just talking to him". Well, you're not now.

Yes, I do know my boss' cell phone number, but if I give it to you, I will be fired. You will need a gun, some barbed wire and a mesh cage filled with tarantulas to get it out of me.



Just as a reminder, secretaries and other people who answer the phone work very hard for relatively little money. Abusing them is like kicking puppies or punching babies- they can't fight back, they just have to sit there and take it. So stop it.