Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Please Make It Stop

patriarchy, fundamentalism, fundy, freejinger
freejinger, fundamentalism, fundy, patriarchy, abuse
I found Free Jinger (why did no one tell me about this?!) this weekend. For the most part, I am thrilled, but they have provided me with endlessly disturbing glimpses at fundyness I didn't even know existed. I, Personal Failure, found mind blowing fundynsanity. Proceed with caution, people.

7xsunday.net is a horror show run by people well respected in certain fundy circles, including Gabriel Anast and his wife, Rebekah.

This is the kind of advice fundy women are receiving.

I am a regular member but I am choosing to post anonymously because I fear
I will be ridiculed and shamed for my behavior. My husband, who I love dearly,
has been very aggressive with the kids and I lately. It has gotten worse over
the past several weeks. He has been accusing me of seeing other men. He
belittles me in front of the children. He has spit in my face at the dinner
table when my cooking was not up to standards. I have been so terribly stressed
that my mind was not on my cooking!

I fear he is sending the wrong message to the children. I know he is knows
what is best for my family but my son needs to learn that a firm hand comes with
a gentle message. But there is no message! He is full of rage and jealousy. I
don't know if I can take much more. Do I stand up to my husband? I feel like I
should but I am filled with shame because of it. There is much I feel I can't
reveal here because I do not want to bring humiliation to my family, even though
we are only speaking over the internet it feels like I will be bringing more
shame... I am so lost

This. Is. Abuse. You need to leave. He is absolutely giving your children ideas- that abusing women is okay. That being abused is okay. You need to leave. Now. This will only get worse.

Unfortunately, nobody asked the atheist.

You mention your husband believes you have been seeing another man, or
men. Has there been a specific situation or situations that he might have

It is your fault. Can't be the man's fault, must be yours.

Certainly, a man can get the wrong idea, all on his own... but often there can
be one or two "coincidental" situations that give him pause. As he mulls
the situations over and over, these can build in his mind - to a level that
leaves him desperately hoping his wife has not "stepped out."

He got the wrong idea, and that's your fault.

Of course, as wives, we are to guard our husbands hearts diligently -
from real, or perceived, indiscretions.

It doesn't matter whether or not you've done anything, it's your fault.

They are to know their wives will not do them "evil" all the days of her
life. Proverbs 31:11-1211The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so
that he shall have no need of spoil. 12She will do him good and not evil all the
days of her life. For a husband who truly believes there may have been an
indiscretion, this is a HUGE blow, on so many levels. It likely leaves him
with a variety of feelings... Men don't like to be hurt (neither do we),
they don't like to be out of "control" (neither do we), they don't like to give
someone the opportunity to betray their trust (neither do we!) The
feelings of betrayal, jealousy, hurt, wounded pride... often melt down into the
"safety" of only feeling anger and resentment.This would then come to the
question of how to establish trust again... ??

Regardless of circumstances, I agree with Siege - The Lord can fix even the
toughest marriages!!!

I wonder how RunAmokFarm will feel when this woman ends up in the hospital or dead because of her advice.

Gabriel Anast steps up to the plate with:

FYI... not that a situation like the one that the OP posted couldn't happen...
but it doesn't seem likely that this specific story is true due to the fact that
the opening statement (I am a long time member, etc) appears to be false.

Actually, Gabriel, she says that she used a different screen name to prevent anyone from knowing who she is, but even if this is a troll, look at the advice she got. Shameful. (Of course, we are talking about the same man who quit his job while his wife was pregnant to study the Bible. And then asked for donations.)

The advice (from Rebeka) just gets worse:

So, if you are A) guilty of infidelity or B) just a flirt... your husband feels
the fact that he doesn't have your heart... that he isn't THE MAN for you. When
Israel left God to follow after other gods... God called this "whoring" and was
so angry that He describes His own wrath as "cannot be quenched."In this case I
recommend that you come to your husband in absolute repentance and humility and
confess before him something along these lines (whatever your sin may be:) "I
confess I am a flirt, and that this is terribly wrong, and I ready to work on
"being yours only." I want to be YOUR wife, and I want to please you. I pray
that you can forgive me for being a flirt, and restore me as your wife... and
gently help with this if I seem to be doing something that jeopardizes
this." If your husband is willing to let you stay, then praise God and
commit yourself to becoming a "keeper at home" in both heart and actions. Ask
God for grace... He is faithful to give it.

Yes, your husband has a right to spit in your face if you so much as look at another man. You should beg your abuser for forgiveness. See you in the morgue!

Suppose you really never, ever looked at another man ever? Well, you can leave, but you'll be screwing up your children.

There is (IMO) place for a woman to leave a man that abuses her and the
children simply because he is a mean godless man. However, leaving a mean and
harsh man is not always the best move either in these times. It's tough out
there for a woman. If your husband has any qualities of providing for you, and
making place for you at all... then I'd recommend first asking God to stand on
your behalf and make a way for you to stay married to this hard man. Your
children are safer with a hard father (I don't mean an abusive one) than they
are with no father.

. . .

There is no point (that I can find in the Bible) in "standing up to your
husband." Either stay, and figure out how to make it work, or leave and find a
believing man.

That's right, there's nothing in the Bible about women having rights or deserving respect. No, that's actually true. Which is probably why fundamentalism is so very, very dangerous.


  1. Gabriel's website is pretty low tech considering he calls himself tech savy.

  2. This sort of crap makes me wonder if it wouldn’t sometimes be permissible to barge into their home, forcibly take the woman and the kids, and place them in a shelter or something, if it meant saving them from abuse, perhaps even death (even if it’s accidental), and years and years of continuing hell.

    But then, I have a feeling most would see that as not being much of a better situation.

  3. I bet this is where Benjamin Simon is going to end up in fifteen years time when his 'life of purity' isn't working out the way he planned.

    This is disgusting. It is abuse. I feel so sorry for her and the kids, she is obviously surrounded by people who won't help her.

  4. Some of the things that I've read on the Pearl/Anast websites make me wonder about the safety of the children in that home. Rebekkah Pearl has stated that her children "never go to the doctor", that her family has lived without electricity, that she is asking at the store for scrap produce to can, that she has violent dreams on a regular basis, that she cannot permit herself to even take a break to read the Bible because she must be serving her family at all times, and that she is training her young daughters to also serve their father and wait on him (this is the man who doesn't work). I hope for the children's sake that these two parents are more responsible and sane than they sometimes appear to be in their writings.

  5. Hi, I'm a Christian and none of this crap is Biblical... Jesus treated women with love and respect and as far as women not having rights... it's only to the degree that men also have no rights in the sense that as Christians we are supposed to give up our selfishness (both men and women). The advice St. Paul gives to husbands is that they are to love their wives, to care for them and nurture their families. In his time, the head was considered to function the way the heart functions now - so when you put it into its historical context, when Paul says a man is to be head of the household, that means he is to be the one who nurtures and cares for his household, the way Christ nurtured the church.

    If Christ models how a man should behave, what do we see? Christ did not try to dominate people, He fed them, healed them and forgave them. He encouraged women to learn and taught them.

    Paul also says that before God there is no male nor female, slave nor free, Jew nor Greek - in other words, gender, social position and race are irrelevant before God. We are all equal. If a man does not treat his wife with love and respect then he is not obeying God's word.

    The only way the Pearls and these people who believe in domination by men can justify their beliefs is if they do not actually read the Bible, do not study the historical context, do not learn the actual Greek, etc. In other words, if they only do a superficial study.

    What I believe - all Christians are to try to be like Christ. The way that works in a marriage - both partners need to submit to each other. It means not thinking only of your own needs but also your mate's needs and putting your mate first. And how that occurs will be different in different marriages because every couple is different. In some perfectly healthy, happy marriages there will be "traditional" roles where the man is the breadwinner and the wife is the homemaker and they will both be happy in those roles. In those marriages, the wife might put her husband first by making sure a hot meal is on the table when he gets home, etc. However, in those same marriages, he might do things for her such as planning regular date nights, making sure she has the support she needs, etc.

    In other marriages (like my own) there will be more egalitarianism. My husband does more of the housework than I do and I do more of the gardening. He pays the bills but I handle our taxes and "research" projects - our investments, researching what car or computer to buy, etc. It's based on our strengths and desires, not gender roles.

    However, the most important thing is that we love and respect each other and we sacrifice for each other. If my husband spit in my face during dinner with anger, my first thought would be - maybe he has a medical condition that has caused such a huge mood shift and I'd be trying to get him to a doctor to find out what is going on.

    Why did the Anasts not advise this? For someone to express that kind of hostility "out of the blue" indicates there might be a chemical imbalance or some deeper medical issue... there is of course the possibility that the wife has actually cheated, in which case she needs to take responsibility, but even if she has cheated, his abusing her is not the answer. Two wrongs don't make a right.

    Just so you know - not all Christians buy into this "the woman is always wrong" garbage. Both men and women have rights AND responsibilities.


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