Rush Limbaugh, Bound and Gagged

No, not really. That would be awesome, though. *sigh*

We're going to read a transcript of a Limbaugh show in which we learn that Limbaugh does not exist in the universe we exist in. Clearly, Limbaugh lives in some alternate dimension populated by duplicates of people in this universe who do/did things that never happened here. Basically, the Limbaugh Show is a news report of events in that alternate universe. (or Limbaugh didn't do as well in rehab as he says he did.)

CALLER: Me neither. We have Ms. Palin back so we're happy here. I had a question about what I see as an unusual amount of pressure by the Obama pre-elect staffers and how much they're trying to get done prior to Obama becoming the actual president. Do you see this as different in situations in the past, that there is an excessive amount of pressure to get Bush to do things that he wouldn't normally do such as more aid and bailouts and stuff?

Yeah, I don't get Alaskans either. I'd be way happier with Palin gone. I especially like "more aid and bailouts and stuff?" What stuff? Acting like a decent human being? Being presidential? As for what Bush "wouldn't normally do", ummm . . . what is a "normal" response to an extreme situation? Our economy hasn't been in this much trouble since the great depression. That would be like saying that your coworker, whose mother, father, wife and six kids all died in a fire last week, was acting "a little off."

Obama is thuggish (BLACK!) blahblahblah thuggish behavior (BLACK!) blahblahblah Chicago thugs (THEY'RE ALL BLACK!) and then . . . I think Bush could teach Obama a lot reality about what's going on in the world. I'll bet there was some of that, but we've heard... Julie, it's a great question, because do you remember when Senator McCain, decently and graciously suspended his campaign to fly to Washington to save the country during the financial crisis? Do you remember that?

*Wipes coffee off of screen* I'm not even going to address whether or not Bush exists in this universe, though vacationing through Katrina and reading through 9/11 points to NO. Senator McCain decently and graciously suspended his campaign? How? By giving interviews and running political ads? And then attending the debate he said he wasn't going to attend? Hey, I'm going to be out of work for the next few days . . . but I'll continue to show up and do my job, the difference will be all in my attitude!

And, when did the financial crisis end, exactly? Layoffs continue, unemployment mounts, the real estate market is fading faster than a freshman at his first frat party and the stock market is doing its best impression of a pinball machine. But really, the financial crisis ended the moment McCain "resumed" his "suspended" campaign.

NEXT: Limbaugh misses the point entirely

There's something "creepy" about the guy. In fact, he has created this "creature" that we all see. I'm quoting Newsweek here, by the way, if you're just tuning in. Jon Meacham, Evan Thomas wrote he's creepy; very creepy, very singular. He makes that acceptance speech and kicks the kids and the wife backstage. Scram, Michelle! Get the hell outta here; it's my time now! You come back when I'm finished. And, by the way, go unlock Biden, he's in the bar. And when he go off the airplane yesterday in Washington to go meet the president, got off the plane alone. We know Michelle was there because she ended up getting out of the limo at the White House. (interruption) You gotta be kidding me! You have got to be kidding. I did not know that! They took separate flights? They took separate planes? He chartered...?

That's not creepy, Limbaugh. That's a sad commentary on this country and the nutballs you and Palin worked up into frenzies. (The natural result of Palin constantly calling Obama a terrorist and Hussein was a crowd calling a random camerman the "n" word.)

Obama was worried that he was a target for assassination. He was afraid that anyone else on the stage with him would either (1) also be a target, or (2) be shot by accident. That's not "creepy" gesture, that's a loving gesture. I wouldn't put my loved ones in danger, either, Limbaugh, but I guess you're ok with it.

NEXT: Limbaugh is "shocked" and "stunned" that Michelle and Barack Obama arrived in separate airplanes. Then, I will be both shocked and stunned that the sky is blue, water is wet and Limbaugh is an asshole.

You know, sometimes it's the way people with families think. There's something creepy about this, though, folks, I must admit. I am stunned. I am shocked. I'm... I'm... Well, I'm not speechless. That never happens. But they took separate chartered flights, because you know she didn't fly commercial. There was no way she was going to fly commercial. So he chartered two airplanes. She has to have gotten in early. She's waiting for him in a limo, he gets off the airplane waving singularly -- very, very creepy -- and he gets in the limo, and she's there? And then they're drive there? Oh, well, I know she was in the same limo because they got out together. But, there was a decoy limo as well.

Again, what is it about legitimate security concerns that is creepy, shocking and stunning? The Pres and VP never travel on the same airplane, is that creepy, shocking and stunning? Ah, they're BLACK! BLACK!

Oh, Limbaugh, I'm shocked! stunned! creeped out! at how consistently you manage to entirely miss the point, then catch it, then mangle it beyond recognition, then mount it on your wall, still bloody.