Disabled Dating

disability, disability, chronic illness, dating, love, stupid, asshat,
I've thought of a few more rules for when I am Empress of the Entire Freakin' World (the business cards will be so cool!). No one will be allowed to write about disability or chronic illness unless they have a disability or chronic illness, or if they receive a special dispensation for me. Most people will not get those dispensations, including Brian Alexander at msnbc.com.

An Internet entrepreneur named Ricky Durham believes he has the answer to
Valentine’s Day loneliness for people living with chronic diseases or health conditions: match them up with other
people who either have the same conditions or are, for some reason, looking for
a lover who has them.

I cannot imagine dating. I just can't imagine it. Exactly when does one bring up their disability/chronic illness? "So, I'm a Saggitarius, I really like video games, and I can't stand in place for more than 30 seconds, can't lift more than 5-10 lbs and will never be able to have children. Oh, you just realized your house is on fire? You'd be surprised how often that happens."

This is, btw, the reason I have very few IRL friends. Most healthy people don't get it. I never know how I'm going to feel day to day. Some days I'm perfectly capable of going out to dinner or watching the game. Some days I'm barely capable of getting to the bathroom. So, I make plans for Saturday, and Saturday comes and I can hardly move and the pain has made me mean and I cancel. A few people are willing to put up with that, but most aren't. I can't imagine trying to explain that to a date.

So, yeah, why not try to find someone who is likely to understand your particular difficulties? If you did the above to me, I would totally understand. Let's try again another day, in the meantime, would you like me to call you later or stop by with something to eat? Not everyone will have that reaction.

But, oh, no, those silly sick people don't know what they're getting into! Mr. Alexander needs to set them straight.

Her experience did not surprise Miller, the psychologist at Fox Chase.
Often people with long-term health conditions are so pleased to simply find
somebody they like who understands the inconveniences and challenges, she said,
that “there is a very strong risk of overlooking things you should not
overlook.”

Cancer survivors, diabetics, people with psychological disorders —
anybody dealing with a chronic condition — can come to see that condition as the
main thing in their lives. “Your sense of self is so wrapped up in your physical
condition that becomes the main barrier to connecting with others. It becomes
your new identity," said Miller. "But it is just one piece of your overall
personality and your needs.”

The other person may have the same issue you’re facing, but is he or
she an extrovert while you are an introvert? Messy while you are neat? A planner
while you are spontaneous? We are more than our diseases.

And how is that different from any two people, healthy or not? Of course one point of similarity does not a relationship make. Nobody is suggesting that simply sharing the same race, love of Depeche Mode, or vegetarianism is enough to base a lifetime on. However, it's not a bad place to start. If you're a vegetarian, and watching people eat meat ruins your night, why not only look amongst other vegetarians for love? Is anybody chiding vegetarians for sticking with other vegetarians? No.

Also, I know that chronic pain isn't the only thing about me, but it does affect every other part of me. There is no facet of my life or my self that has not been impacted. If you have not been impacted this way, you really cannot understand. I say this not to offend or hurt my healthy friends, you are great and I love you, but you truly do not know what my illness has done to me, for which you should be eternally grateful. I fail to see where starting a relationship with that level of understanding is a bad idea.

And then we have this:

Imagine the possible financial consequences of, say, two bi-polar people with a
penchant for big spending during manic phases falling in love. Genetics are also
a consideration. Many long-term conditions like depression, some cancers,
Crohn’s, some auto-immune diseases and others, can involve inherited genetic
risk. The children of two parents who both have Crohn’s, for example, have a
greatly elevated risk of having an inflammatory bowel disease themselves.

OMG, what if two stupid people got together? What would be the consequences then? What about racists- can you imagine? Seriously, wtf?

Has Mr. Alexander never heard of birth control, genetic counseling or adoption? Does he think that the disabled/chronically ill among us aren't quite aware of the risks of reproducing? Does he think that healthy people don't produce less than perfect offspring? Down's Syndrome anyone?

I think we should prevent Mr. Alexander from breeding on the chance that patronizing condescension is genetic.