Thursday, August 26, 2010

Um, No. Just No. GFYADIARI*, Please.

My breasts would like to have a moment of your time . . .

What Women Never Hear is normally just the rantings of a misogodude and his personal thoughts on women (he hates them. a lot.), but he occasionally does hit a more universal feeling.

Her Highness Delicate Petals at post 982 cited how men expect sex based on a woman’s sexual history. Men interpret their due according to what she provided others.

First of all, I'm calling shenanigans on the name Delicate Petals not relating to labia. There's no way "Delicate Petals" isn't yonic. But anyway, yeah, you know what? That's true. A disturbingly large number of men are of the opinion that if you've fucked one guy, you owe it to the rest of them to keep on fucking your way through humanity.

Hey, guess what? I can fuck every guy on earth but you. It's totally my right. I can fuck all of you**, half of you, two of you or none of you. It's up to me. And just because I fucked Josh, Joe, Jeremiah and Jared doesn't mean I have to fuck you or anyone else. Get over it.

Oh, and just because I fucked you in the past doesn't mean I have to fuck you in the future. And this outfit, not for you. Sure, go ahead and look, but try not to be creepy about it. They're breasts. Calm down.

And buddy, the title of your post? Another Conquerer's Rights Don't Apply? Nobody "conquered" me. I am an active participant in my own sex life. I am not England and your penis is not a Viking. And you don't get rights to me no matter what I have willingly done in the past, and I don't care if that's 5 minutes in the past, the only person with rights to my body is me.

Men do whatever women require for frequent and convenient access to sex. The best marriage candidates become devoted to her based on the promise he sees and not the promises she makes. Promises more easily imagined when her sexual history does not cloud her man’s imagination.

I am not my vagina and I don't want to marry anyone who's only doing it for "frequent and convenient access to sex". Get a blowup doll if that's what you want. What I do with my vagina is none of your business. You imagine whatever you wish, it's none of your business. I've been told that the "correct" answer to the question of how many men you have in your past is "3", just enough to be experienced, not enough to seem like a slut. You know what my answer is? "I don't even know!" I do know, it's just none of your damn business.

/end Sex Positivity 101

*Go Fuck Yourself and Die in a Raging Inferno
** I'm going to be very busy for the next 1,376 years.


  1. I think we need t-shirts that say "YOUR PENIS IS NOT A VIKING."

  2. and now i'm picturing tiny hats with horns . . .

  3. your penis is not a Viking

    Technically, mine is. But that's just because I'm Norwegian...

    Also, it weirds me out that I grew up fundamentalist Christian with all the stupid anti-sex stuff, I've managed to make it well in to my 29th year without ever getting around to having sex, and yet, somehow, I'm pretty sure that I have completely healthy views on sex. And that's entirely based on two ideas:

    1. Women are people, too. Which is to say that they're not objects, amalgamations of meat,* or collections of convenient holes.

    2. Sex ain't the end-all, be-all of life.

    Weirdly, I blame Nietzsche for this. In Thus Spake Zarathustra (if I recall...) at one point he wrote (and I paraphrase), "If you are going to get married, marry a good conversationalist. For it is the conversations that last."

    I jokingly kept that as my Nietzsche quote, since that was high school when idiot 17 year-olds decided they were deep by randomly spewing Nietzsche quotes in all directions and I was like, "Hey, this isn't a quote about darkness or the abyss, so I'll just toss it out there as an F-U response..." But, still, that idea apparently stuck with me.

    So...Nietzsche. Leading to a proper understanding of male-female relationships. Did not see that coming...

    *That's either a band name or debut album right there. "Have you heard the new one by Amalgamations of Meat? It's bitchin'!"

  4. PF, if we weren't already married to other people, I'd go totally Sapphic and want to marry you. LUH You. Can we Cafe Press the t-shirt, CN?

    And Geds, we always say you're such a cool guy. (When we're Comtessing). Great name for a band. We're Smirk, btw.

  5. Um, I don't know what Comtessing is, nor why anybody would bother to talk about me whilst doing it.

    Of course I often wonder why anyone would bother to talk about me at all, so that's no surprise.

  6. We assign ruling-the-world tasks, decide on uniforms, divvy up celebrities. You know.

  7. Hm. We need an Urban Dictionary campaign.

  8. Definitely. My husband is actually jealous of our Comtessing.

    Geds, we just changed the name of our band from Smirk to Penis Viking Helmets. The private Comtesse was in charge of band names. Hope that's okay, with use of the Viking bit. Personally, we like Vikings. Just sayin'.

  9. And every explanation just leaves me more confused than before. If anybody needs me I'll be in the corner thinking about fajitas and bourbon.

  10. Dammit, now I can't stop thinking about Penis Vikings. I suppose it's better than the reverse. At least, I think it is. It is, right?

    [starts questioning both sexuality and regionality]

    "Men do whatever women require for frequent and convenient access to sex."

    Yeah, because who cares about trivial, superficial things like companionship and intelligence and common interests and, oh I dunno... love?

    Fuck you, dude. Right up the arse with a viking helmet on top.

  11. PS: something to add to the "not to shout during sex" list: "Ah conquer thee in tha' name of Thor!"

  12. You know, much as I want my own "Your Penis Is Not A Viking" shirt, this gave me pause:

    "Hey, guess what? I can fuck every guy on earth but you. It's totally my right."

    I know how you meant it, but no - it isn't your right. You can fuck every *willing* guy that you want to, but simple statistics says that some will not be interested/available for your world-conquering vagina. And your WCV has no right to the ones who aren't interested.

    Hey, look! A nit! ::picks:: Ooh, and there's another! ::picks that one, too::

  13. lol Michael. but, yeah...

    also, PF - you? you are my HERO!!!

    also, i've been here with you on the conquering the world the longest, and i've never heard of Comtessing...


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