Yeah, Those Helicopters Are For Me- News at 10!

That's what was buzzing my house for about an hour yesterday. Apparently, they know.

I clicked on 4 Types of Women Men Avoid voluntarily, so I suppose I deserve what I get, but then again, so does the author when I find him.

Getting involved with certain women has irreversible ramifications that can eventually cause interference with the simple joys of life, like the Rose Bowl or the World Series, for instance. Instead of the NBA Finals, it will be Breakfast at Wimbledon and a day of shopping with your future mother-in-law.

Hardeharhar! Cuz teh wimmenz like teh shopping and not teh sports! Ur so funny!

There are different types of women who should be avoided at all costs.

Serial killers? We should probably all avoid serial killers. Oooh, maybe it's Anne Coulter or Sarah Palin. No, don't be silly. It's women with children and women without children and cougars!

By comparing your dates to certain female Hollywood icons, you can quickly identify these potentially problematic partners on your next date.

Cuz all women are alike. Really, there's no individuality to vaginas with legs.

1. The Zellweger

Renee Zellweger provides a case study for men to learn from about the type of woman to avoid.

Nice, hard working loyal women who totally love you and look slammin' in a sheath dress? Well, I can see why you'd want to avoid that!

Her character on Jerry Maguire is waiting patiently for a man to enter her home, wield her child

um, "wield" her child? How does one "wield" a child? Is it more like wielding a rapier or wielding a broadsword?

and discover his inner father before he even becomes one. The lovable son is too young to realize you're not his real dad, but he soon will.

Other people's children suck! Run away!

What the movie does not show is the United States Marine husband who is serving his third tour in Iraq. He'll soon be bringing the war to all those pretty boys who hung around while he was gone, including you.

Um, was that some deleted scene from Jerry Maguire I missed? I don't remember that. Oh, that's because it didn't happen. But all women are cheating whores just waiting to unleash a soldier with PTSD and a Desert Eagle on your ass!

2. The Jolie

Her mysteriousness exudes a tortured, creative secret that you simply must uncover, but be advised: The Angelina Jolie type is a mess. She looks like a piece of wonderment, and there's something about her copious tattoos that attracts you. The appeal of the Jolie type is strange, though: Add chewing tobacco and she would look like a superhot, female version of your mechanic.

Who's your mechanic?

She is adventurous, has a wild side and is comfortable riding a motorcycle, but eventually her depression will roll over like a herd of bloated cattle in your living room.

A what?! That's the stupidest simile I've ever heard, and I've been to poetry.com.

Her obsession with death and Gothic astrology

Gothic astrology? Do you know what "Gothic" means?

will quickly violate all holy days, like Monday Night Football.

CUZ GIRLZ DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL! Apparently, I'm not a girl. If you tried to get between me and football, I would nailgun you to the floor.

For you, this will be an emotional, emasculating loss.

I'm pretty sure you actually have to have a penis to be emasculated, buddy.

3. The Bancroft

A woman has the best chance of conceiving before 35, so time is important to her.

ALL WIMMENZ WANT TEH BAYBEEZ!

If you are a young man, understanding her urgency will be nearly impossible. A younger man will always feel rushed by an older woman. Hollywood has depicted the older woman and the younger man as a wonderful excursion into sexual fantasy. This is true only if the involvement with the older woman is kept strictly as an affair.

Use her for her vagina lest she use you for your precious, precious sperm! Do not love the woman over 20- she will eat your soul!

If she is much older and has children, rest assured that her adult children are already too old to care about you. If the woman is only five years your senior, listen for a ticking sound beating in her head, like in "The Tell-Tale Heart."

BAYBEEeEEEeEEEEZ!!!1!!eleventy!!!

By age 30, if she has invested any time into you, the ultimatums are secretly being loaded like torpedoes.

Secretly loaded torpedoes?

Prepare to issue countermeasures.

What are the countermeasures to secretly loaded torpedoes? Bloated cows?

Hot on the heels of the marriage ultimatum will be the request for children.

TEH EVUL!!!!!!!

It will actually be more like a papal decree to Catholics.

Easily ignored?

If you can keep an older woman as a fling and make sure her children are all in college, then enjoy the ride. Otherwise, break it off while you can.

The ride. Hahahahahaha!

4. The Curie

Her intelligence fascinated you from the start, but wait until Marie Curie deconstructs you with her triple-major, PhD-educated mind.

Yeah, that's right, when a woman can make change without a calculator, it's hot, but when she starts thinking? Ew.

The scientist/psych major/accountant can't help but put you into logical boxes. She will dissect you and examine you from oblique perspectives, using ratios and quantum physics to weigh the pros and cons of all your flaws.

Because educated people have no souls. We can't love. We're like androids. And not awesome androids that costar with Will Smith, we're evil androids. Evil, deconstructing, oblique, quantum androids with logical boxes. In which we store ratios.

Around her apartment will be little notes, data-flow diagrams and pie charts outlining your personality qualities

.

It's rude to leave those out, ladies. Put them back in your logical boxes. (If you're dating this guy, you'll need to rent a storage space.)

These will be mostly negative, but don't worry, she also has a five-year project outline that will ensure your "improvement."

People expecting me to eat with utensils, hah!

Your love for the Miami Dolphins will be viewed as the manifestation of childhood guilt from the time you saw your father naked.

WOMEN AND SPORTS! HURDEHURDEHURDEHUR!

Sex in this relationship will be deconstructed and analyzed until your desire becomes as flat and lifeless as the university degrees she has hanging on her bedroom wall.

Intelligence means nothing if your vagina isn't porny enough.

Nobody's perfect, but…

Two rules to follow in your search for a girlfriend are: If she's cool and has no baggage, go for it.

So, 12. You want a 12-year-old. Okay there, pedobear.

The other rule is: No woman is perfect, but at the very least, avoid the Gothic senior citizen who comes equipped with children and four degrees in psychology.

You, sir, can feel free to go back to fapping in front of your computer to amateur porn. The rest of us will be over here treating each other like human beings.

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