Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Babies? That's Your Problem, Bitch.

A woman writes into Cary Tennis (yeah, I don't know why, either) with the following problem: She and her husband have one child. They had put off having another indefinitely. She reached 33 and realized that her fertility wasn't going to last indefinitely and reopened discussions on having another child. At first, her husband was resistant, but then he agreed to having another child.

That's important, btw. He agreed to it. He knowingly and willingly had unprotected sex with a woman he had every reason to believe was fertile.

Anyway, she gets pregnant and his automatic reactions is "Congratulations- shit!" Unsurprisingly, it's been downhill from there.

Anyway, Cary's "answer" was as stupid as they normally are, but what interests me are the comments.

A man willingly and knowing has unprotected sex with his fertile wife. She gets pregnant. If she wanted an abortion that would be ZOMG! everyone's problem. But a pregnancy that's going forward? Oh, now that's entirely her fault and entirely her responsibility.

Uh... you're the one who should feel badly

You bullied your husband into fathering a child in order to fulfill some idiotic urge that you should have ignored. And now *you're* steamed that he isn't having a parade for you? Grow up. What you did was irresponsible emotional blackmail. You made this bed, now it's your responsibility to clean things up.

Uh . . . the expression is "You made this bed now lie in it." A made bed is clean. Anyway, she's "irresponsible", "idiotic" and a "bully". Apparently, she raped her husband. And now the resultant baby, which is his as well, is her problem and her problem alone.

You say you're tight financially. It sounds like he wasn't really on board with this. You may have been a bit manipulative and he should've been more forthright. Now that you're pregnant, he's mad about it - and probably also at himself to some extent.

It's too late to change things. But Id give him space. And while you're at it ask yourself why this was just so damned important to do. Now. You're 33. If you really thought things would be different in 40 weeks, why couldn't you wait 40 weeks. Or longer?

It feels like you were feeling pressured externally. Were your friends having issues? More kids? It just seems like you were ok then you weren't ok.

Maybe he'll open up after a while. Maybe he'll end up welcoming this. But if you must say anything to him about it now, I'd suggest something like: "I'm so sorry. It seems like you're not so happy about this pregnancy...That's ok. It really is. Can we talk honestly about it?"

But first you need to be honest with youself.

She's "dishonest", "manipulative" and she needs to apologize for having consensual, unprotected sex that both parties knew was unprotected.

molehill meet mountain

Ma'am, a new baby is a big responsibility and a lot of work, as you well know. What you might not know is that pregnant women are not "reasonable people". A smart husband knows that the three words he has to say a lot over 9 months is "You're right dear". More to the point, pregnant women aren't all that "rational" - getting yourself tied into knots over this, considering divorce, that's silly. You might try being nicer, considering what his POV might be. Work on that sex life some. Good luck!

She's barely even human right now! she's incapable of rational, reasonable thought! She needs to be nicer, she needs to think of his needs and give him a few blowjobs.

He engaged, willingly, in unprotected sex, knowingly, with a fertile woman. How else can I say this?

LW, to be blunt...

...it sounds like you cared more about having a baby/beating that bio-clock than you did as to whether your husband really wanted to have another child. Be honest--were you busy marshaling your arguments or were you really listening to what your husband wasn't saying and how he was really feeling? He was wrong to agree to this if he was reluctant. But you were wrong to put your 2.5-kid fantasy over your marriage. Cary's right--you're going to have to find out what your husband is feeling and go from there. If he wants to keep on not talking, then you have another set of decisions to make as to whether a cold war is the best environment for two kids.

Sure, the husband was wron-- Look over there! It's a manipulative, dishonest bitch! How dare she! How dare she conceive during consensual sex with her husband?!

Is the LW clueless to not only bringing yet another life into this equally clueless culture, but also to a father who did not agree to it? No, LW, your husband didn't change his tune, you didn't want to hear it.

The only testimony we have here is that the husband agreed to another baby and then, apparently, changed his mind after she was already pregnant. So how do all these people know, just know, that the wife is lying? How can they be so certain that her reporting of events is dishonest, that she manipulated him, that she used him, that she needs to pay?

How? The patriarchy, that's how. The misogyny, that's how. Women want babies, and we'll do anything to get them. We can't be trusted. When we're pregnant, we're basically mentally ill children that need to be constantly monitored. Our bodies are not ours to control. We trap men with our vaginas, and then enslave them with our babies. Mind you, Tennis is published at salon.com. It's a liberal website. These are die hard liberals spewing this crap.

We have a long, long, long way to go to equality, sisters.


  1. Oh, wow. This is one of my triggers. It's a deeply personal issue for me. What idiocy. So women can't be trusted. We're incapable of rational thought where babies are concerned. And the fact of the matter is, not only did he change his mind after the pregnancy, but apparently before. They evidently had agreed on more children and then put it off indefinitely. Maybe she wasn't on board with that!

  2. Exactly. And sorry for triggering you. (((hugs))) to help make you feel better.

  3. Thanks for the hugs. No need to apologize, you're blogging. That's what bloggers do. Keep on doing it. I was actually contemplating a post about it, and just haven't been able to yet. That seems to have helped in other areas that were painful. Maybe I'll go ahead and write about it.

  4. Yeah, I use this blog to exorcise some demons, myself. It does help.

  5. The guy sounds like a dick. One of his friends should dope slap him and tell him to take some responsibility.

  6. Yeah, the comments on Salon are always a leaky septic tank of meanness. I've never been able to figure out what that's about - a complete lack of moderation, I guess.

    Cary's answer wasn't all that great either. He wants her to manipulate her husband into accepting the situation, like he's a...dog? How is that supposed to get him to act like an adult, which is what he is and what she needs?

  7. What the actual fuck. FUCK. FUCK all those fucking dudes. Aghhhhh!

  8. soooooooooooooooo... here's the score:

    1. if we DON'T get pregnant/have babies, we're evil selfish sluts who need to grow up and stop being selfish and have some BAYBEES already - that's what we're HERE FOR, damnit! and we all secretly know that's ALL we want - babies.
    2.if we get pregnant accidentally, and DON'T want an abortion, we're evil selfish sluts who are "deserve" to be punished with a child, and shouldn't ask for "child support" because it's not like HE wanted the kid, Amirite? *HE* didn't do anything wrong, WE did, by getting pregnant.
    3. if we get pregnant accidentally, and we *DO* want an abortion, we're evil selfish sluts who are also MURDERERS who should just grow up and "take our punishment" of having the baby, and if we have the abortion we deserve to be punished in any way possible;
    A) if he WANTS the baby, but we don't and get an abortion, we're also evil and "stealing/murdering" HIS child and we need to stop being evil murdering selfish sluts and have that baby already!
    B) if he WANTS an abortion, we're evil sluts who KNEW he was an evil, murdering asshole, but it's not really our fault and we should have the baby anyway and make him pay, because we "know" that all we REALLY want is a baby!
    i) if we get an abortion, we were evilly abused and forced against our consent to do so, but we deserved it for being evil selfish sluts who were stupidly with a man who "made" us do it
    ii) if we DON'T get an abortion, we are evil manipulative selfish sluts who just want to live on $300/month of child support while eating bonbons and doing nothing - or maybe we're evil manipulative selfish sluts who are trying to force an innocent man to MARRY us! [GASP! PEARL CLUTCH!]
    4. if we get pregnant on purpose, within a marriage, with our husband's sperm and with our husband's consent, we're evil manipulative bitches who care ONLY about our "biological clocks" and BAYBEES!!! and we shouldn't be so selfish as to want a child with our husband even if he says he wants one.

    how, exactly, can we EVER win?

    oh, yes, PF already pointed it out - Patriarchy - heads, they win, tails, you lose.

    Did i miss anything?


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