Sunday, April 24, 2011

Blasphemy, I'm Committing It

Since it's the Easter today, I have been seeing for weeks posts about the great sacrifice of Jesus. He died for our sins, you see. He suffered for all mankind. We fucking owe him! (I'm condensing a bit.)

So I'm going to commit the same blasphemy I did at the age of 6 and ask, "What sacrifice? He was god. That can hardly be considered sacrifice from god."*

To condense the entire Jesus story into a single paragraph:

God makes man. God makes a tree that contains all truth and puts it, unwatched, right out in the open, five feet away from man. Unsurprisingly to everyone but God, man eats the fruit of the tree. Man is now sinful, and now all his descendants are sinful. Yes, the descendants didn't do a thing, but Hell for them, too. God lets this go for a few thousand years and then decides to go to Earth as a human to fix this by being tortured and killed. How this fixes anything or why this was the best method of fixing things or why God waited a few thousand years to fix things is never explained.

Now get on your knees and pray!

None of that makes sense. But what really doesn't make sense is how God as a man briefly suffering and then dying- how surprised was Satan to see God in Hell for a few days?- is a sacrifice at all. Jesus suffered for what, a few days? God is eternal, mind you. God's been around, unchanged since ever. What's three days in comparison to ever? Nothing, nothing at all.

I've been sick for about a decade now. That's 3,650 days. I've been suffering for 3,647 days more than Jesus suffered, ignoring leap years. So why isn't everyone worshipping me? I mean, 3 days? Fuck off! Don't you dare fucking whinge to me about 3 days of suffering. Seriously, fuck you.

If someone told me that I could, today, be whipped, have a crown of thorns shoved into my skull and then be nailed to a cross to hang there for 12 hours or so and then I would never be in pain again, my body would be healthy and without any disease of any kind, I would kiss their feet for offering me such an opportunity. I would buy the cat o' nine tails myself, build my own cross and nail my own feet to it. (I can't believe denelian wouldn't do so as well.) Don't act like that's a sacrifice, people.

And, I'm human. I'm not God. God is omnipresent, which means, practically speaking, that only a tiny portion of God was being human, since not all of God could fit in a human body. So only the tiniest portion of God suffered anything at all. That makes anyone going on about Jesus' suffering like someone with a hangnail telling me their agony is so much worse than what I've been enduring for ten fucking years.

Yeah, you know what? You come back and tell me about the Jesus story when he's suffering a tenth as much as me. Then we'll talk.

Feel free to hand me a bag of Cadbury MiniEggs in the meantime, though.

*I probably did not use those exact words.


  1. this is just what happened:
    i'm reading, i'm thinking "fuck, i'll build a GREAT cross, i'd decorated with little scrimshaw engravings - i'll go to SCHOOL to learn CARPENTRY to do this, i'm gonna tell PF that she - oh, wait, she KNEW i was gonna think that.
    huh - maybe PF *IS* a God, after all. at least she's NICE. good thing i'm her High Priestess"

    and that's when i wrote what i thought above, BTW.

    i STOPPED READING THE POST [a thing i NEVER do] so i could come write that IMMEDIATELY.

    now i finish the post...

    i... had never, actually, considered how LITTLE of God would have been there to be sacrificed. [maybe because i wasn't raised Christian? i tend to not notice little discrepencies like that] but it's TRUE, it COULDN'T have been all, or even MOST, of God in the body of Christ - because God was still "on the job" - fuck, he had CONVERSATIONS with himself-as-Jesus! and did other things!

    you know what *I* did today? it started yesterday, actually, when i shorted myself a dose so i could go to karaoke with my best friend to help her celebrate Easter [she was born on Easter, and is still "recovering" from being a fundy] because i need an extra dose to go out at ALL, and i sang "Zombie" by the Cranberries - and i actually prefaced it with "In honor of Zombie Jesus Day, here's the song Zombie"
    and made an ENTIRE bar do a spit-take [it's the ONLY time i've been actively happy about the smoking ban in bars - otherwise, the place would have gone up in flames]

    seriously - gimme a hammer and fucking nail. i'd do it ALL, TWICE, to be HEALTHY [and pain free!] even if it were only for a YEAR.

    *safe-pain-free-internet-hugs* if you want 'em

    really, every year, i find out ANOTHER new fucked up thing about easter. cuz of YOU. :)

  2. Yup. As has often been pointed out (very entertainingly by Jorge Luís Borges), even if you accept the Biblical account as "gospel", then the real sacrifice was made by Judas, not by Jesus: Jesus spent a very bad weekend for our sins, Judas (who must have known what was up), whose betrayal of Jesus was necessary for our redemption, is still in Hell, and has a long time to go yet.


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