The Bible Says What, Now?

bible, translation, schafly, conservapedia, conservative,
Hat tip to PZ Myers for picking up on Conservapedia's rewriting of the bible to match their own principles.

Some commentors at Pharyngula think that Conservapedia is being spoofed. I think somebody actually read their bible and thought, "Oh, shit! I'm totally not doing what Jesus said. He said to give away your money and help the poor and sick- what the fuck am I going to do? I've got- I'll rewrite the bible!"

As of 2009, there is no fully conservative translation of the Bible because that's not how one translates books, asshat which satisfies the following ten guidelines:[2]

Framework against Liberal Bias: providing a strong framework that enables a thought-for-thought translation without corruption by liberal bias the fact that Jesus espouses liberalism every fifth word is a feature, not a bug, moran.

Not Emasculated: avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity Christianity: now with testicles!

Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level[3] i can't . . . the irony . . . it hurts!

Utilize Powerful Conservative Terms: using powerful new conservative terms as they develop;[4] defective translations use the word "comrade" three times as often as "volunteer"; similarly, updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle".

comrade: a person who shares in one's activities, occupation, etc.; companion, associate, or friend.

it's an accurate word as used in the bible. the above definition is the first definition, btw. i'd also like to know when "word", "peace" and "miracle" changed in meaning, and what the previous definitions were.

Combat Harmful Addiction: combating addiction by using modern terms for it, such as "gamble" rather than "cast lots";[5] using modern political terms, such as "register" rather than "enroll" for the census um, the "casting of lots" in the bible isn't gambling in several instances, from what i remember, it referred to divination at least once. divination isn't gambling. and replacing "enroll" with "register"- why? does "enroll" have some alternate meaning in ConservaLand I am unaware of?

Accept the Logic of Hell: applying logic with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil. what? i don't even know what that means.

Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning where, where, where in the bible are there "Free Market Parables"? And Jesus said unto them: thou shalt charge what the market shall bear, even in the case of health care, because if poor people die of treatable illness, it's their own damn faults!

Exclude Later-Inserted Liberal Passages: excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story ah, the adulteress story, in which Jesus tells an adulteress to go and sin no more. good of them to admit that forgiveness is a liberal trait.

Credit Open-Mindedness of Disciples: crediting open-mindedness, often found in youngsters like the eyewitnesses Mark and John, the authors of two of the Gospels again, i have no fucking idea what they're getting at.

Prefer Conciseness over Liberal Wordiness: preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities; prefer concise, consistent use of the word "Lord" rather than "Jehovah" or "Yahweh" or "Lord God." "Liberal Wordiness"? The new, revised Song of Solomon: Hey baby, let's fuck.

They really are serious about this, btw. Well, sort of. Clearly, Andy Schafly has no idea what is involved in translating ancient documents, as evidenced by his expectation that they can translate 4 verses an hour, from the original, every day for the next year, with no problem.