Below are nine points of comparison between Conservatives and Liberals in modern America. The nine points give a broad unrealistic view of the differences in outlook between Conservatives and Liberals.
If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he feels that no one should have one.
I like guns just fine. In fact, I own a shotgun and a .22 rifle. I even know how to use them. However, living over here in reality, I know that gun violence is a huge problem in this country. There were 30,896 gun deaths in the US in 2006. Therefore, I have drawn the conclusion that a good portion of the people who currently have guns can't be trusted with them. And who the fuck needs an AK-47? You can't hunt with an AK-47 and it's only appropriate for home protection if you happen to be living on the Maginot Line. In 1940.
If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.
I'm a vegetarian, feel free. I regularly go to restaurants and eat pasta or salad while friends or family members eat steak. Have at it.
If a Conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a Liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
I don't look at the world and see "enemies". I look at the world and see people. We are currently involved in two wars, one of which we had no business being in, the other one a repeat of Alexander the Great's one big embarrassment, so maybe seeing enemies everywhere you look isn't the way to go.
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.
A friend of mine said to me, "I wouldn't mind heterosexuals so much if they would stop being all hetero in my face." Yeah. So, uh, could all the gays quit squicking jonolan out? It's rude.
If a Black or Hispanic is Conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
If a Black or Hispanic is Liberal, they see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
So, um, being conservative is automatically success? What? I can't even parse that. Yes, I think racism is endemic in this country, and we really need to do something about that. Other than victim blaming.
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Liberal is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
If a Liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those they don’t like be shut down.
Yeah, I think people who incite murder and treason should shut the fuck up. Why do you hate America, jonolan? The terrorists have won.**
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
If a Liberal is non-believer, he wants any mention of God or religion silenced.
Yes, that's right. I spend most of my time cataloguing my neighbor's books to remove any mention of god and listening at windows in an attempt to report people to
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.
It's your own fault if you're poor and can't afford health insurance, and you deserve to die horribly for the mistakes you've made.
Yes, these comparisons are sarcastic and funny – at least to some people if you're not laughing, it's because you've got no sense of humor, not because I said something that wasn't funny– they’re also disturbingly true. you tell yourself that. It largely stems from Conservatives adhering to the American principles of self-determinism and personal responsibility while the Liberals adhere to the ideologies of Statism and Collectivism. Conservatives are real Americans, Liberals are Nazi/Commie/muslims.
*Seriously, I'm a little jealous
**Now I see why Republicans do that. It's fun!