Friday, October 2, 2009

The Difference Between Us

Reflections From a Murky Pond is a blog with a really cool name* and a really stupid post.

Below are nine points of comparison between Conservatives and Liberals in modern America. The nine points give a broad unrealistic view of the differences in outlook between Conservatives and Liberals.

If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he feels that no one should have one.


I like guns just fine. In fact, I own a shotgun and a .22 rifle. I even know how to use them. However, living over here in reality, I know that gun violence is a huge problem in this country. There were 30,896 gun deaths in the US in 2006. Therefore, I have drawn the conclusion that a good portion of the people who currently have guns can't be trusted with them. And who the fuck needs an AK-47? You can't hunt with an AK-47 and it's only appropriate for home protection if you happen to be living on the Maginot Line. In 1940.

~*~

If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.


I'm a vegetarian, feel free. I regularly go to restaurants and eat pasta or salad while friends or family members eat steak. Have at it.

~*~
If a Conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a Liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.


I don't look at the world and see "enemies". I look at the world and see people. We are currently involved in two wars, one of which we had no business being in, the other one a repeat of Alexander the Great's one big embarrassment, so maybe seeing enemies everywhere you look isn't the way to go.

~*~
If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.


A friend of mine said to me, "I wouldn't mind heterosexuals so much if they would stop being all hetero in my face." Yeah. So, uh, could all the gays quit squicking jonolan out? It's rude.

~*~
If a Black or Hispanic is Conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
If a Black or Hispanic is Liberal, they see themselves as victims in need of government protection.


So, um, being conservative is automatically success? What? I can't even parse that. Yes, I think racism is endemic in this country, and we really need to do something about that. Other than victim blaming.
~*~
If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a Liberal is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.


Welfare queens!
~*~
If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
If a Liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those they don’t like be shut down.


Yeah, I think people who incite murder and treason should shut the fuck up. Why do you hate America, jonolan? The terrorists have won.**

~*~
If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
If a Liberal is non-believer, he wants any mention of God or religion silenced.


Yes, that's right. I spend most of my time cataloguing my neighbor's books to remove any mention of god and listening at windows in an attempt to report people to The FuhrerPresident Obama for praying.

~*~
If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.


It's your own fault if you're poor and can't afford health insurance, and you deserve to die horribly for the mistakes you've made.

Yes, these comparisons are sarcastic and funny – at least to some people if you're not laughing, it's because you've got no sense of humor, not because I said something that wasn't funny– they’re also disturbingly true. you tell yourself that. It largely stems from Conservatives adhering to the American principles of self-determinism and personal responsibility while the Liberals adhere to the ideologies of Statism and Collectivism. Conservatives are real Americans, Liberals are Nazi/Commie/muslims.




*Seriously, I'm a little jealous

**Now I see why Republicans do that. It's fun!

12 comments:

  1. This is all just making me sick, can we go back in time and kill Karl Rove before he started all this partisan crap?

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  2. It's like he's comparing cats to dogs. As if liberals and conservatives were two different species.

    It's easy to see how these types see a guy in a keffiyeh and instantly think ENEMY!!!one!!!

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  3. Ooooh, omigod, can I MST3K it? Pleeeeez?

    "If a Conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
    If a Liberal doesn’t like guns, he feels that no one should have one."

    If a Liberal doesn't like abortion, she doesn't have one.
    If a Conservative doesn't like abortion, she feels that no one should have one.

    "If a Conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
    If a Liberal is a vegetarian, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone."

    If a Liberal is straight, she doesn't have sex with women.
    If a Conservative is straight, she wants to ban all gay sex for everyone.

    "If a Conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
    If a Liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good."

    If a Liberal sees a foreign threat, she tries to resolve it without sending her own people to die needlessly.
    If a Conservative sees (or imagines) a foreign threat, she is happy to sacrifice her own people's lives and the lives of others in order to secure her power and make money for big corporations.

    "If a Conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
    If a Liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect."

    If a Liberal is Christian, she quietly leads her life.
    If a Conservative is Christian, she loudly demands legislated deference.

    "If a Black or Hispanic is Conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
    If a Black or Hispanic is Liberal, they see themselves as victims in need of government protection."

    If a Black or Hispanic (or woman) is Liberal, she recognizes that only through liberal policies can the playing field be leveled for people of her ethnicity or sex in order for her to have the same opportunity as a white man to be independently successful.
    If a Black or Hispanic (or woman) is Conservative, she is stunningly ignorant of history, unaware that she is a token, and/or throwing in her lot with the oppressors in the hope of table scraps.

    "If a Conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
    If a Liberal is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him."

    If a Liberal is successful, she thinks about how to make sure that everyone has the same opportunities that she did.
    If a Conservative is successful, she's so arrogant that she thinks she did it all on her own.

    "If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
    If a Liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those they don’t like be shut down."

    If a Liberal doesn't like a filmmaker, she doesn't watch his films.
    If a Conservative doesn't like a filmmaker, she calls him an un-American traitor who should be in jail.

    "If a Conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
    If a Liberal is non-believer, he wants any mention of God or religion silenced."

    If a Liberal is a believer, she accepts everyone's right to freedom of and freedom from religion.
    If a Conservative is a believer, she wants any mention of atheism, secularism, or anyone else's religion silenced.

    "If a Conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
    If a Liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his."

    If a Liberal decides her children need to learn certain religious values, she teaches them to her children, or may choose a school that teaches them.
    If a Conservative decides her children need to learn certain religious values, she demands that the rest of the children be forced to learn them as well.


    Yes, these comparisons are sarcastic and funny – at least to some people – they’re also disturbingly true. It largely stems from Liberals adhering to the American principles of self-determinism and personal responsibility while the Conservatives adhere to the ideologies of Authoritarianism and Dominionism.

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  4. Rebecca, that was absolutely brilliant!

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  5. Rebecca, I like some of your counterpoints. They're just a funny as the originals one I got via email and posted.

    One of my commenters, zhann, also had some good ones.

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  6. rebecca is brilliant, but jonolan wins for being cool about it all.

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  7. Personal Failure,

    My post was a combination of sarcasm and humor. Trust me, when people come up with good sarcasm and/or jokes about my side, I laugh too.

    Here were zhann's contribution on the original post:

    #1 – Conservatives Love guns, and will shoot anyone that thinks otherwise

    #2 – Conservative Vegetarian? Conservatives not only hunt their dinner, but often shoot their friends if they step out of line during the hunt.

    #3 – The Conservatives solution to foreign threats is simple, all countries outside the USA should be either parking lots or US military installations.

    #4 – Conservatives love homosexuals … as they drag behind their pickup truck.


    I especially liked the vegetarian one. :lol:

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  8. I actually find all of those comparisons to be reversed. But folks let's face it, sometimes legislating things is the only way to change minds. But education and dialogue should, IMO, be exhaustive first.

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  9. "If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life."


    You mean, like Andrew Sullivan?


    And also, now that we know what liberal and conservatives dudes do, what do liberal and conservative ladies do?

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  10. "If a Conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
    If a Liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those they don’t like be shut down."

    How, then, do you explain what happened to the Dixie Chicks? Or does this only apply to talk show hosts?

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Comments are for you guys, not for me. Say what you will. Don't feel compelled to stay on topic, I enjoy it when comments enter Tangentville or veer off into Non Sequitur Town. Just keep it polite, okay?

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